To ask for help- husband witnessed a death

[bingbangbongding]

Hi all,

Need help.

Husband was leaving work today and found a colleague dead in his car. He was about 50, was still warm. He asked passers by for help but no one would help him. Everyone had left work.

He called 999 and they got him to drag this man out of the car and perform CPR even though he said he was dead. It didn't work.

The ambulance and police arrived and the ambulance worked on him for a while. Police dismissed him immediately (didn't even want his details which I thought was weird).

He's absolutely shaken and has decided to get quite drunk (understandable).

Has anyone been through this?

How can I support him? I'm terrified he's going to get PTSD or something.

It actually really annoys me that the ambulance service do this to passers by. Getting involved in CPR is a choice that will affect the volunteer and have potentially long term mental health effects.

I've done CPR twice (outside of work) and several times inside work (HCP).
In both community events the patient was dead and I told the operator that.
With my father, although I knew he was dead I (stupidly) followed the advice of the 999 operator and continued with CPR for 20 fucking minutes.
I kept saying "I'm sorry I have to stop now" and she was like a high school cheerleader yelling "no you can't do that, you have to keep going" and "do this for your Dad".
I was traumatised for years.
What I wanted to do and should have done was to sit with my Dad, hold his hand and tell him that I loved him.
There are at least 2 victims in CPR events. I really hope your husband is OK.

Get him to play Tetris, it helps stop PTSD from developing.

I've done a trauma risk management course and key takeaways from that included that 90% of people who experience potentially traumatic events are not affected by PTSD - they may be a bit shaken for a while but are fine after 6 months. As PP have said counselling is not generally recommended early on as this can make PTSD more likely. Things that help include talking to friends and colleagues, trying to avoid regularly drinking to forget (straight after is quite common, but if it carries on this can block processing trauma) and looking at other sources of stress in his daily life. Focussing on the fact that he acted and did all he could to help the person should also help as a feeling of being powerlerss and out of control is a key risk factor for developing PTSD. It's very normal to have physical and mental side effects (dreams, shakiness, irritability, difficulty concentrating) immediately afterwards but these should start to subside over the next few weeks - if they don't or if he's starting to struggle more, get professional help.

I'm so sorry. I think if he gets counseling and talks to you or a friend about it he is in with a chance of disbursing this trauma without PTSD. He needs time and to be kind to himself.

As a teenager I witnessed an accident in which a man who I'd previously been talking to for a while sufelffered severe head injuries and died in a motor racing incident that happened right in front of where I was spectating.
I still remember it as plain as day, the sights the sounds and smells.
I remember coming home to my parents beimg very upset and talking to them about it.
I know everyone processes things like this differently but fore talking about the situation, the tragic outcome etc was a good way to help me get to a place where those events were more emotionally manageable.
Maybe attending the funeral, talking to the man's family will help bring some closure?
Keep him talking and/or seek grief counselling, bottling up emotions or trying to find the solution at the bottom of a bottle will not help in the long term.
Can/does, his employer offer support?
I hope he can process this tragic event and come to a more peaceful place knowing he did everything he could to help.

Please don't immediately think he needs counselling or will get ptsd.

He's had an awful shock and will need time to process it. Being upset at this stage is totally normal and shouldn't be pathologised. Let him deal with it how he wants.

I hope it eats away at the people who didnt help.

Hope you OH gets the helps he wants/needs

You're not obliged to do CPR. It must be stressful in a situation unfamiliar to you eith someone telling you, but there are many reasons to not carry out CPR. Most people looking at someone who has died will probably feel it is inappropriate/ invasive.

My dad died of a heart attack whilst out for a walk. The man who found him had to do the same thing your husband did when it was obvious dad was dead. My mum reached out to this man via the police and was able to let him know how grateful we were he tried to help and that there was absolutely nothing he could have done. Having been on the other side of this as a relative of the dead person please reassure your husband that this man's family would be so grateful that he even tried to help.

I would not have done it if was that obvious they were dead . Sorry you were put through this .

Practical things:

Let him talk as much as he needs to and just be there to listen and reassure him. You can't predict whether he'll get PTSD from this but would assume that with time and the space to talk it through he'll be ok.

Get him to take some time off work if that's what he needs and if it would help. He can ask his work for details of an Employee Assistance Programme or if they do referrals to Occupational Health just so he has someone to talk this through with that's an impartial professional.

Remind him that he did exactly the right thing, he did really well with a terrible situation and that I'm sure this man's family would be glad to know there was someone there who acted with concern and tried to help. Your DH was brave and kind and did brilliantly.

I had an elderly neighbor die in my arms when I was in my mid 20's. This was long long before the days of cell phones, so there was not even an option to call for help while she was dying. Her sister watched while she died. It was sad and 35 year later I still have a very vivid picture in my mind of it, but I wouldn't describe myself as traumatized.

He said that the passers by were female and he felt that they thought he was suspicious so I don't think he feels too bad about that as he was likely acting erratically trying to flag down help.

As awful as this sounds (the women not stopping to help) I remember attending a Women Drivers event held by the Police. One of the things they stressed was not to stop if someone was flagging you down to help at the scene of an incident. Apparently it is used by bad people on good people to then attack them. The advice was to drive on and stop away from the 'incident' and then phone the Police/Ambulance.

I remember thinking I was not sure I could just drive away. Just another case of bad people making good people wary about doing the right thing.

I hope your husband soon comes to terms with what must have been an awful experience. Assure him he is a wonderful person who did all they could to help the poor man.

@Littlewhitecat I am very sorry about your Dad but was very touched that your Mum reached out at what must have been such a very sad time and to think of others whilst in your own grief shows such a warmth.

Well done to your husband for attempting it.

CPR Is one of the skills you can download to an Alexa - it talks you through it step by step if you need it (we set it up when DH was terminal in case we needed it)

Don't overreact, I highly doubt he will get PTSD or even need counselling. A debrief would be beneficial but he sounds like he is already doing that with you. Death is a part of everyday life! Imagine if every HCP developed PTSD or required counselling for every death they witnessed?

You have children OP?

I would plan a long family walk today. Lots of family time and lots of time outside

I would get off your phones this weekend and just hunker down as a family

I saw a really tragic suicide and tried to help in absolute vain because it involved a fall from a great height. I was deeply affected for the first day or two and didnt think i would recover well, but I did. It is amazing how the brain can heal itself from certain tragedies. Big hugs to your DH, he did all he could.

I would try and help him reframe it by stressing that he did the right thing, unpleasant and shocking though it was. He behaved like a responsible citizen and a decent colleague in doing what he could. When he goes on about how awful it was, you agree and say how lucky it was that your husband found him and what a pity it was too late to save him. I hope that when he goes in to work next week his attempts to save his colleague are honoured. He needs to be recognised positively.

Some thoughts about trauma: in 2010 I was the victim of an armed robbery. Two men in balaclavas and guns burst into a shop I was in and robbed the place. I was un-hurt but having a gun pointed at you and threatened is pretty traumatic. What I found was- the first few days I was in shock and could barely remember any details- it was as if my mind had blanked them out to protect me. As the weeks went on the details starting coming back to me in pieces. Talking about it helped but I found I was really irritable for ages afterwards and very jumpy.

The things that helped me were not being pressured to talk about it, but being allowed/supported to talk when I felt up to it. Finding ways to relax and having space when I needed it. Affirming ways I could feel safe and being allowed to express anger which was my overwhelming emotion at the time. I didnt have counselling or anything but honestly- it just takes time to process it. I now look back on it with a weird detachment and have suffered no lasting ill effects. The book the gift of fear also really helped me (possibly not applicable in this case) but recommend he maybe read books about dealing with trauma/shock etc.

Just give him time. He will be ok.

www.psych.ox.ac.uk/news/tetris-used-to-prevent-post-traumatic-stress-symptoms

Just wanted to leave this here as it’s something not many people know about. Playing Tetris in the hours following a traumatic event can prevent or lessen the development of PTSD. There are tonnes of studies on this if you want to do a deep dive on the results.

Something I always suggest in scenarios like this because there is literally nothing to lose. Even if it doesn’t work, there’s no downside to playing a game.

I had to attempt resuscitation on a person who was already gone. It was upsetting but it hasn’t effected me long term. I done what I could to help. The worst part for me was the ladies daughter was there and became quite hysterical (understandably).

Please , give it a break, PTSD from finding someone dead , that’s a bit steep

This is awful op so sorry for what your husband went through. The same thing happened to me at work. I was working in the motor industry and I went outside to value a car and noticed a man slumped over in one of the courtesy cars. Opened the door and he had, had a heat attack before driving off the forecourt. Tried CPR on him but sadly he was already gone. Only 50 too.

Tell your husbands to get on the Employee programme for counselling if they have that. Otherwise, it will eventually pass with time but just remind him there was nothing he could've done