To ask for help- husband witnessed a death

[bingbangbongding]

Hi all,

Need help.

Husband was leaving work today and found a colleague dead in his car. He was about 50, was still warm. He asked passers by for help but no one would help him. Everyone had left work.

He called 999 and they got him to drag this man out of the car and perform CPR even though he said he was dead. It didn't work.

The ambulance and police arrived and the ambulance worked on him for a while. Police dismissed him immediately (didn't even want his details which I thought was weird).

He's absolutely shaken and has decided to get quite drunk (understandable).

Has anyone been through this?

How can I support him? I'm terrified he's going to get PTSD or something.

Some really good advice on here, OP, especially about letting him talk when he's ready and trying to access a professional debrief session. I think the idea of him, and possibly you too if poss, undertaking a first aid course is a really, good and positive one when he's ready.

I was going to say about playing tetris, it's meant to help the brain process.

I witnessed a heart attack once although other people were helping so I left once it was clear I wasn't able to help. The sight of the poor man flopping about whilst they did CPR stayed with me for a very long time. I found it especially hard as I don't know the outcome (although of course the stats for out of hospital CPR are so so low so likely outcome is that he didn't make it). Anyway, that's just to say that I'm not traumatised by it anymore. It was a distressing thing to witness and I did come back to it often but I do think our brains mostly process and file away eventually.

Gosh that poor man. I hope he passed quickly and he didn’t suffer. Your husband did his best for him and stayed with him to offer him some dignity.
All adults should learn first aid, including CPR.

His reaction is normal. In my line of work we see death and damaged bodies a fair bit. It’s not a given at all that someone will get PTSD. Awareness is good, pathologising normal reactions isn’t. Not saying you are OP but there’s a tendency to leap straight to oMgPTSD on here. The usual things, talking, laughing, crying are all fine and should be encouraged. We have a gallows humour at work, it’s a recognised way of dealing with difficult experiences.

My daughter recently had something similar. She drives hospital transport and there was a young boy on the van. Suddenly she heard his mum start screaming as he’d gone into cardiac arrest. DD’s crew mate got the defibrillator and DD started giving chest compressions. They also shocked him twice. They’d just pulled up at the hospital when the mum started screaming and control had let the hospital know so the nurses were waiting to take him in.

He passed away a few hours later that day 😢 DD was very shaken up because she wondered if there was more she could have done. However, the boy had only had a heart and lung transplant about a year ago so maybe he was weaker due to that. DD cried when she got home and we talked about it for a couple of hours and then she took a couple of days off as this was the first time it had ever happened to her.

Maybe your husband’s work has got a counselling service to help him?

Great post, and was going to say much the same.

Let him talk about it and get it out when he needs to.
I was in the 999 world too and did CPR several times. It's hard, but trying to save life is an incredible effort - physically and emotionally.
Random hugs helped me too.
Sometimes it's just validation of support and real connection.

I am so, so sorry. This happened to me once. With a young person when I worked as a carer. I was also told to do CPR but I didn’t realise at the time that you can refuse. In my case there was absolutely no point as they had passed some hours before. I was terrified I would loose my job so I did what I was told.

I felt terrible for weeks. It’s took quite a long time to pass. If you can afford it, or even ask the company to pay get him a decent counsellor.

We also went on a holiday which helped. Only a few nights away in a different town but it did take my mind off of it.

I would encourage you to focus on advice given by @Winebeckons

Traumatic experiences, do not necessary always leave lasting Trauma nor result in lasting PTSD symptoms. In the majority of cases, single traumatic experiences do not lead to PTSD. That is not to be invalidating - its still shaken him, still awful, but does not mean an inevitable longer term decline in mental health.

Early on, the most protective things are normal routines of life (eating, sleeping, work, normal hobbies and socialising), and support from someone you are close to including talking it through the way he is doing with you.
As s/he said, immediate counselling is not helpful and may be harmful.

So sorry to hear this OP.

I also think PTSD is vanishingly unlikely. It’s important he gets to talk it through and it sounds like you are really on top of this so that’s great. It’s a real shock but he’ll return to normal pretty quickly I think, and the memory will gradually retreat back.

I would also encourage him to think that the fact he was there will be a comfort to the man’s family - if they ask if someone tried CPR, the records will show that they did.

My daughter went through something similar. She found an elderly friend who she lived with had died days earlier ( daughter had been away, came back, found body). She called the police and the operator insisted she perform cpr. Friend was clearly days/ week dead and decomposing. She refused and was shouted at but was forced into touching the body which was extremely traumatic. When the police arrived she was shut in a room in the house for three hours and then questioned in a harsh way. She was treated really badly by the services and that traumatised her as much as finding the body. She was only 18, did they have to be so unkind? She is over the horror of it, but it has left her vulnerable and frightened.

Yes try this

Glad the chiropractor tried to help

I gave cpr to someone who ‘looked’ dead. And despite having been on about 10 cpr causes in my life it’s never been discussed - it’s never been discussed if someone looks dead does that mean cpr is futile? I rang my most recent cpr trainer after the event to ask this question and she said people who have stopped breathing can look dead but some can be revived. It’s not for the families it’s for the person - although I must admit I continued until help arrived because I was thinking if I was this man’s family I would want to know someone tried

Not quite the point of the post. But my own father was involved in a horrible incident publically which him passing away in. The think thats always been a massive comfort is that a member of the public tried to help him. Please remind your husband that the family may well find out they a member of public tried to help him. Believe me that's tramendious.

If someone “looks dead”?

surely on your 10 cpr training courses you learned that you do a bit more then do a visual glance at the person before administering cpr?

I rang my most recent cpr trainer after the event to ask this question and she said people who have stopped breathing can look dead but some can be revived.

what on earth are you on about?

He's up, is ok.

He's had a call from the police who tracked him via his 999 call. They are going to come over for a statement I assume.

He's remembering little details like the chiropractor thing and laughing and said he's now considering how on earth he moved him as he was a 'massive bloke' in his eyes.

He's also remembering that Lionel Ritchie came on in the car as he was administering CPR and saying how he doesn't think he'll ever be able to listen to that song again.

He's ok though. We're off for a bike ride and a walk through the woods today.

Thanks everyone.

My husband had to give CPR to a neighbour in the summer, who didn't survive. It was pretty unpleasant but he has been ok.
Everyone is different but he's views things in a fairly practical way and doesn't tend to dwell (unlike me).

That's the same as mine. He's so steady normally so I think he will be ok.

I just panicked last night because I'd never seen him that panicked and wild eyed.

I think there's a difference between being in a job where you expect to deal with that kind of thing during a shift, and coming across it in everyday life, when you've had no training.
Your DH sounds level headed and sensible, and even if he does get PTSD from the incident, he can manage it. PTSD isn't the end of the world and its treatable, and I say that as someone who had it.
Taking steps to process what happened, and to be aware of what to do if it happens again will help most people prevent PTSD.

It will have been the adrenaline op. It is good to know he is a bit better today

My parents had this similar situation last week the emergency services were very aggressive in treating the poor elderly lady and they ended up being questioned separately by the police! They are pretty tough though but even they were shaken by it but self medicated that evening with red wine. Didnt occur to me that they would have PTSD though!

Sympathies to him.

I've worked in healthcare so I am used to seeing illness and death. If you're not it can be pretty scary especially under the circumstances you describe.
My husband isn't in healthcare, but he has been a beach lifeguard and so was trained in CPR and did come across some nasty situations from time to time.
I like talking things over after to process, he doesn't.

Support for people who've given CPR

Hi OP, check out this link from the British Heart Foundation, which might be useful.

As someone who has done plenty of CPR, most CPR is unsuccessful, but in all honesty, it might help to understand that there was zero chance of the patient surviving without CPR. Your husband doing CPR might have made a difference to the person surviving, and 100% did not do any damage or make things worse - the person's heart had stopped already - it doesn't get worse than that.

I'm sure the man's family will be grateful that someone did what they could to help him.