Could you be with someone stupid?

[PlayDohOnTheWalls]

DH is a good partner and a good father. And I do love him, I think. We have set up quite a good life together. I enjoy his company.

Two things

1. The sex is rubbish. Infrequent and totally rubbish

1. He is a bit stupid. Examples

When we are watching films - he never knows what is going on and often at the end its obvious he's understood v little

He believes random things he's seen on YouTube- examples include that drinking water is poisoned by the government to keep us stupid and this is common knowledge. That the moon isn't a moon and is actually a space ship in disguise.

He's also v immature - periods are "gross". I catch him laughing at his phone and it's a video of someone falling over really horribly. That kind of thing.

Despite thinking this about him- I enjoy his company and our home is loving and functional. The kids love him. Though they are 3 and 5!

AIBU to consider leaving based on my slightly arrogant feeling that I'm smarter than him? Does that make me up my own arse? I just feel like I'm constantly explaining stuff to him or when he starts talking I just think about something else because I know it will be a load of rubbish

Am I really mean?

I think you’re phrasing it wrong. The bottom line is you’ve fell out of love with him and don’t want to be with him any more. You find him immature, thick, lazy. The relationship is over. So I think end it. Just don’t say it’s as he is stupid. Just your feelings have changed and no longer in love.

on the flip side, yes I could be with someone who I thought was a bit stupid. If they were really attractive , fun and the sex was great, but I’d be with them a short period and not marry them and have babies . That for me is quite stupid.

Not read many PP but I as a women have always found periods ''gross'' - I think a lot of women and men do. I'd be more concerned about his IQ and if kids inherited it. What sort of job does he do and will he have a serious problem if he needs to get another one? No I could live with a stupid person but factual details like when M Thatcher lived shows he never read a newspaper/watched TV news etc. Also regarding his ideas on the moon etc - I supposed they come from internet weirdos - which might be dangerous and become obsessive. What is his IQ and level of education?

Could he educate himself? Or is it terminal stupidity? Does he have a growth mindset at all?

@DonutsAreNotLunch well done for getting out at a young age. So many don't manage it until much later in life when they realise how bad it has got. In my experience it is always down to the insecurity of the man who feels they are losing the control they once had. The manipulation and control can be hard to break away from if it has been for years. I've not seen a single women that regretted it though.

ODFO.

She posted a raft of stuff about how loyal he is so basically gave up reading after 4 pages. But oh, she waited till page 6 to drop that he's a gamer who ignored his dying grandfather. That was a bit of a drip.

She's repeated why she got married and the good points. My argument still stands that she's shit for slagging him off.

I would hate this.

😆😆😆

My boyfriend from the ages of 20-24 was exactly as you describe. So i think i understand how you feel. We stayed together so long because we had a big group friends and were always out. He was kind, funny, obviously loved me, but when he used to say stupid stuff I'd cringe so badly, he had zero idea about the world or politics! Eventually his lack of desire to try new things e.g. different foods, travelling, killed off any love I had and i ended it. It's hard to end it with someone who really loves you. He had a bit of a breakdown when we split up. But he is married with two kids now.

The children are so young, stick with it for now.

No, come on. She’s only posted 15 things. Clicking ‘see all’ isn’t much to do. You defending a dopey man, don’t lash out because you feel a bit a Wally for doing so.

Yes it's a fetish, he just loves it so much

I agree with you. Feel so sorry for him.

You sound lovely OP. Some people on here are just being needlessly cruel or arsey.

I can completely see why you married him and feeling safe and secure and loved are hugely important but we do develop as we get older and in a happy marriage we do that parallel to our partner but yours is stuck in your younger needs and not really what you want or desire now. That’s not wrong. It’s sad but not wrong.

Ill be honest though that he sounds like he’s regressed a bit- the playing computer games all weekend instead of visiting a dying relative and getting into conspiracy stuff on you tube is worse than he used to be and no way could I cope with being married to a man who is like that. I just couldn’t respect him. And that’s before we get to him thinking periods are gross and happily voicing it. What message does that give to your kids?

The intelligence thing is less an issue than the immaturity and complete lack of desire to engage with life in the real world- news, politics, family.

I think you should separate. You are young- another 40 years of living with him will break you. He doesn’t sound like he will want to travel or visit places when your kids are more independent whereas you sound curious and active. Your kids will adapt and you could seriously fly with the right partner. Life is too short not to be fulfilled.

Your fears that he won’t be amicable or even at best benign if you split up are concerning but that’s on him. You can’t stay in an unhappy marriage out of fear he will turn nasty. And if he does then I think that shows you a side to him that existed and was not created by you iyswim and would just reinforce that you made the right decision.

You deserve to be loved in all the ways you need not just grateful that someone is half decent.

Well I don’t think a stupid man would have got beyond first date with me, but then I value intelligence, and am aware other people value other things more.

you have outgrown him - I’m assuming he dated a younger woman to start with because he was too immature for woman his own age. He sounds like he got to 12 and then got stuck.

you need to make plans to either leave or think about how you can manage staying with a man who doesn’t interest you. You could build a separate life so you are surrounded by other people who are mentally stimulating and on your level.

A big positive of making a decision like leaving now would be the age of the DCs. I think it’s easier on younger kids.

Have you ever met anyone else that you think would make a good partner? I was in a fairly lacklustre but sweet marriage. The catalyst to end it was when a friend became more than a friend. I didn’t leave FOR them, but it gave me the realisation that I could be SO MUCH HAPPIER than I was in the marriage. My ExDH is significantly happier now too! But it would have been so easy to keep coasting along, safe but boring.

Agree.

OP, this will not last, it's just time until you will no longer be able to put up with listening to him.

I think your background has played a huge part in this.

Don't have any further children and start making your plans to be fully financially independent.

Waiting until both children are in school if that helps you, but definitely start making plans.

I know it's always infuriating when replies say "why did you marry/have children with this man" but in this case it's justified. Why?

No I couldn't be with someone like this. The frustrations would be daily and unbearable.

I think you are the unreasonable one though, if this is real. To meet someone who you are so obviously incompatible with and still marry them is mind boggling. I feel a bit sorry for him. He can't help his level of intelligence or his immaturity really. He might have been a perfect match for someone out there. Not for you though.

The sex he can do something about. You don't need to be bright to be good at sex.

No, I couldn’t be with a man like that, op. He doesn’t sound like a lovely man at all. He sounds immature, misogynistic and selfish. The stupidity is just the icing on the cake. And he’s crap in bed to boot.

I’d be making plans to leave. Much easier while your kids are a bit younger. I’d want to limit their exposure to him, frankly. (Even if you end up 50-50, that’s better than 100!)

What made you only realise this after two children? I had a bf like this as a student but even though he was kind and really loved me the experience made me realise I couldn't spend my life with someone who wasn't my intellectual equal.
If the sex is rubbish and can't have a good conversation, I'm struggling to see what you're getting out of the relationship exactly. Does he offer significant financial security or something?

Have you read all of the OP’s posts?

Obviously having read more of the thread, I no longer feel at all sorry for him. As for whether you leave him or not, that's a tricky one with small children involved. His world is so tiny and I don't think I could tolerate that personally.

Can you explain what you enjoy about his company? You don't explain that in your first post and it might help people give better advice.

I couldn't be with someone on a vastly different level of intelligence to me. That is someone who is a lot less intelligent and similarity someone a lot more intelligent.

I enjoy puzzles, quizzes, general knowledge and learning new things (documentaries, museums etc). I am by no means a genius but these are things I enjoy, my husband does too which is why we are so compatible.

I couldn't be who doesn't have these interests, less so if they open mock learning and education.

You’ve mentioned your dad a few times, op. Was he also stupid/a conspiracy nut? I ask because I think you’re under-reacting to the conspiracy stuff. It would really bother me- if it were my husband I’d be asking him to get medical help. Thinking the moon’s a spaceship and the government is poisoning us (plus regressing socially) sounds more like early stage schizophrenia to me than just being a bit thick. This isn’t the usual “government’s out to shaft us” conspiracy stuff.