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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a gut feeling about DH

283 replies

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:15

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
MermaidEyes · 04/02/2023 11:13

knittingaddict · 04/02/2023 11:07

The timelines don't really work. 4 minutes to:

Op writes message with relevant details of affair.
Husband receives message.
Thinks about it for 2 seconds.
Writes a reply that isn't "wtf".
Op receives message.
Op posts on mn.

If I had received a text from my husband asking if I was having an affair I would not be typing a reply within seconds. I would be too stunned, even if I was guilty. There would be a dialogue surely? Too weird.

Agree with this. Either OP is having a laugh or OP doesn't really give a shit whether he's having an affair or not, hence a quick text then back to Mumsnet. Bizarre.

FloydPepper · 04/02/2023 11:15

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:29

I think you didn’t detect the sarcasm in my post.

There’s dozens of people suggesting the OP follow her partner around, guess his passwords, trawl through his phone bill and other absolutely bonkers stuff about gathering evidence all because he’s started going to the gym and wants to spend a single Sunday at his grandparents without her.

Show quote history

She’s trusting her gut, like women on here are told to. She’s been advised to hire a PI, secrete a tag to teach him, check his phone, “surprise” call or visit him when he’s out with family. If she finds anything it’s proof he’s guilty, if she doesn’t then he must be hiding it well. If he denies it he’s lying and gaslighting. It’s mad.

a bloke doing even a single one of those would be called abusive and controlling and any woman should run a mile from him. However, it’s fine to advise a woman to do it all.

mattyd · 04/02/2023 11:17

What does, 'It's not that deep' mean. I don't get it.

Catsbreakfast · 04/02/2023 11:17

You already don’t trust him, so what’s the point? Anything he’ll say is now either confirmation that he is either having an affair or denying it. And he knows you don’t trust him. Do you even want to be with him or are you just looking for a way out?

FloydPepper · 04/02/2023 11:19

northstar19 · 04/02/2023 10:41

Funny how people seem to think I'm lying 😂 honestly wtf would I get out of doing that? I asked here for advice, I've no reason to lie.

He wasn't out last night. I was upstairs in bed because I've been feeling unwell and he was downstairs. I'm not lying.

It’s because you’ve not jumped at their “advice”, aand immediately dumped your husband and posted about it all on here. You taking your time, and maybe even considering he might not actually be up to anything isn’t what they want you to do, so they decide you must be the one lying.

Justnot · 04/02/2023 11:26

I’ve only ever ever heard my 14 year old say it’s not that deep - think it means it’s not that deep and meaningful, she’s says it when she’s done something and I am trying to work out her reasoning

Diverging · 04/02/2023 11:28

The truth always comes out in the end anyway eventually.

Yes sometimes 5 years later. Obviously he’s going to deny it because he knows you have no proof. If he was seeing someone do you think he would have said ‘yeah you’re right I am’?

You should have carefully gone about gathering some evidence as you were advised on here.

Original poster
northstar19 · 04/02/2023 11:29

Have told him I'll be driving up near to where GPs live to do some shopping and I'll pick him up when I've finished. He's accepted so far..

OP posts:
Diverging · 04/02/2023 11:31

Course he has he knows you’re on to him now.

redskydelight · 04/02/2023 11:31

northstar19 · 04/02/2023 10:51

@anotherday11 He's already gone. I saw him checking the bus times on his phone

Well that sounds like circumstantial evidence that he has gone to his GPs.

<waits for people to reply that he's only decided to go because you scared him with your affair text last night>

Diverging · 04/02/2023 11:33

I don’t mean he definitely is. Just that you now cannot be sure.

DontLikeMenthols · 04/02/2023 11:36

Diverging · 04/02/2023 11:28

The truth always comes out in the end anyway eventually.

Yes sometimes 5 years later. Obviously he’s going to deny it because he knows you have no proof. If he was seeing someone do you think he would have said ‘yeah you’re right I am’?

You should have carefully gone about gathering some evidence as you were advised on here.

Why would you be with someone who you clearly don’t trust then?

Your partner/husband should be the person you trust the most, you should be able to sit down with them openly and honestly and say ‘look I’m having these thoughts about XYZ, they’re making me feel shit and I just need to chat to you about it.’

if your partner then says ‘there’s nothing going on’ and you still believe they’re lying then what does it matter if they’re actually cheating or not? You STILL don’t trust them. Where does a relationship go from there? All this ‘evidence gathering’ is BS - if you’re having to do that then just end the relationship. It’s a joke.

It’s not your partners problem if you have trust issues or insecurities. Your husband/wife/partner should be able to go to the gym, visit their family and look at their phone at ANY time of the day without their partner accusing them of all sorts.

twoandcooplease · 04/02/2023 11:41

You think your HUSBAND is cheating and it's not that deep?
How could you not have run down the stairs and spoken face to face.

I think you're making this all up for entertainment and that's sad
Have a nice day

Hellonewgerw · 04/02/2023 11:50

Trust your gut it’s telling you the truth, also everything you’ve listed it appears he is.

knittingaddict · 04/02/2023 11:51

By saying *It's not that deep" I think the op means "don't worry your little heads about my posts which make no sense and look like swiss cheese". 😏

MegsMon · 04/02/2023 11:53

Amazing how so many posters are absolutely desperate for the DH to be engaged in sordid activity. No other, very simple reason will ever be acceptable to you, it's like you thrive on the possibility there will be a poor outcome. The OP's husband has been going to the gym, but no, she must call on the services of Nancy Drew.

Gut feelings are often anxiety related, but no, even that's not acceptable to you

Just projecting your own experiences of cheating because......it might make you feel better?

DrManhattan · 04/02/2023 11:54

Hes not gonna admit to it unless he has somewhere else to go lined up and ready. Sounds like it's early on with the new girlfriend so he's not gonna fess up now. Is this is all real BTW.

Original poster
northstar19 · 04/02/2023 11:56

Yes it is real for everyone doubting.

OP posts:
Notsurenotquiteright · 04/02/2023 11:56

When my partner is struggling with his anxiety he often wakes early hours and sits on his phone- as much as I tell him it’ll be easier to get back to sleep if he didn’t use his phone.

has he got something big happening at work, worried about money etc?

Original poster
northstar19 · 04/02/2023 11:57

@Notsurenotquiteright I could ask him. Though he finds it very difficult to open up usually and is the type to keep any problems to himself.

OP posts:
DontLikeMenthols · 04/02/2023 11:58

MegsMon · 04/02/2023 11:53

Amazing how so many posters are absolutely desperate for the DH to be engaged in sordid activity. No other, very simple reason will ever be acceptable to you, it's like you thrive on the possibility there will be a poor outcome. The OP's husband has been going to the gym, but no, she must call on the services of Nancy Drew.

Gut feelings are often anxiety related, but no, even that's not acceptable to you

Just projecting your own experiences of cheating because......it might make you feel better?

Amen. I’m so embarassed for the PP on here who instantly jump to ‘hire a PI’ or ‘get hold of his phone whilst he’s sleeping’. I also feel sorry for their partners.

knittingaddict · 04/02/2023 12:10

If this is real why on earth did you ask him via text if he is having an affair and not have an ongoing conversation about it beyond the 2 minutes that it took to happen? Why did you not wait until he was face to face and you could see his expressions? Even a phone call would have been better than a sodding text. Texts are for agreeing a time to meet, for asking what someone wants for tea, not for asking about a possible affair with slim to zero evidence of any wrongdoing.

And while I'm here there is rarely a night that my husband doesn't find me on my phone with chronic insomnia at 3.30 in the morning. I am most definitely not having an affair.

rainbowstardrops · 04/02/2023 12:10

If you usually drive him to his grandparent's house, what was his reasoning for getting a bus instead today?

redskydelight · 04/02/2023 12:23

MegsMon · 04/02/2023 11:53

Amazing how so many posters are absolutely desperate for the DH to be engaged in sordid activity. No other, very simple reason will ever be acceptable to you, it's like you thrive on the possibility there will be a poor outcome. The OP's husband has been going to the gym, but no, she must call on the services of Nancy Drew.

Gut feelings are often anxiety related, but no, even that's not acceptable to you

Just projecting your own experiences of cheating because......it might make you feel better?

The "strange" behaviours here aren't even really strange.
They are entirely explained by him deciding to get more healthy as a new year's resolution and him having something on his mind currently. It hasn't even been a very long lived thing ... just a couple of weeks!

It does frustrate me that every time someone posts their DH does something slightly out of the norm - pretty much anything - there is always a poster that shouts "OW".

And don't get me started on gut feelings. Yes, they are sometimes right, but they are also sometimes wrong, but most people tend to forget the times they were wrong.

redskydelight · 04/02/2023 12:26

rainbowstardrops · 04/02/2023 12:10

If you usually drive him to his grandparent's house, what was his reasoning for getting a bus instead today?

Why does he need a reason? I generally go to see my MIL with DH, but sometimes he decides he wants to go and see her on his own. I just say "ok" and assume he'd like some time with her without me there.

Actually, now I think about it my DH did go out for a long walk last night - he claimed it was because he had a headache, but putting the two together, perhaps I should be worried he is having an affair?