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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a gut feeling about DH

283 replies

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:15

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Childre · 04/02/2023 06:35

Possible explanation:

Hes joined the gym like the other hundreds of thousands of people who do, especially in January. So everyone who joins a gym and goes for a run is having an affair?

You seen him on his phone at 3am....is there a rule to not be allowed to check your phone when you've had a piss?

I would probably want a day out on my own if someone was acting funny around me because I'd simply joined a gym and checked my phone when I had a piss.

If you have this level of suspicion, and would check his phone if you knew the password, then it sounds to me like the relationship is already dead.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/02/2023 06:50

redbigbananafeet · 04/02/2023 03:15

I thought you drove?

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Think she means for him.

kateandme · 04/02/2023 07:01

Stopthebusplease · 03/02/2023 22:26

This!

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Sadly this.it will be done this weekend. It's amazing how quick a slow to learn man can delete all evidence and "clean" up.he will watch everything now.make other plans.etc. if he's having an affair you won't know now unless he ctrips up. Of leaves.
Gave you everything in order incase this pushes test.
Is there anything else.
Could it be stress about work.weight.health.
What was his explanation about suddenly not asking you to grandparents.

Or if he hasn't still asked you tomorrow just go with his as he leaves.
Do you trust him.love him.
Even if no affair something is up between the two of you that needs help.

Busbygirl · 04/02/2023 07:14

I’m calling BS
Doesn’t know how to get his phone bill, within 4 minutes manages to get hold of it and read it all.
Less than 4 minutes to decide to confront him, have a conversation about whether he’s having an affair and get back on Mums net. Yeh right, it doesn’t add up.

Magnoliasunrise · 04/02/2023 07:21

Doesn't he just want to lose a bit of weight?🙄

CleaningOutMyCloset · 04/02/2023 07:25

Ask to see his phone

ivykaty44 · 04/02/2023 07:27

Tbh I’d go to his grandparents place tomorrow late in the day, I’d turn up with a bunch of flowers….

but that’s me, I’d need proof my gut was right or wrong

DarceyG · 04/02/2023 07:46

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:24

@Badger1970 Ah, phone bill is a good idea.. does that show the numbers that are being texted/called?

Red flags all over the place. Sorry hope you are wrong I hate people that do thisz

DarceyG · 04/02/2023 07:47

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:29

I think you didn’t detect the sarcasm in my post.

There’s dozens of people suggesting the OP follow her partner around, guess his passwords, trawl through his phone bill and other absolutely bonkers stuff about gathering evidence all because he’s started going to the gym and wants to spend a single Sunday at his grandparents without her.

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It’s the change in attitude when you know someone you just know.

missunderstood2023 · 04/02/2023 07:47

Are you able to keep an eye on him when he unlocks his phone and make a note of the passcode? How is your sex life?

MaireadMcSweeney · 04/02/2023 07:54

redskydelight · 03/02/2023 22:02

I never understand these posts.

Either he's not having an affair, but now you have it in your head you won't believe him regardless = relationship over

or he's having an affair = relationship over.

So you may as well just leave now.

Normal people don't end their marriages because they get a feeling their partner might be cheating. Don't be daft.

Wibblewibble1 · 04/02/2023 07:58

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 00:38

The mystery of my husband going to the gym and having a one-off visit to his grandparents would keep me up at night too

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if your thinking he is acting suspicious it’s better to ask him what’s happening than start going through his phone don’t you think?

Neveragain85 · 04/02/2023 08:05

Gut feelings are rarely wrong, it's your intuition telling you something is off. I'd also turn up at his grandparents to see if he's there, then you can at least establish if he's lying to you then take it from there. Sorry you're going through this

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 08:10

Wibblewibble1 · 04/02/2023 07:58

if your thinking he is acting suspicious it’s better to ask him what’s happening than start going through his phone don’t you think?

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Going to the gym and visiting family isn’t suspicious behaviour in my books.

youngestisapsycho · 04/02/2023 08:17

Busbygirl · 04/02/2023 07:14

I’m calling BS
Doesn’t know how to get his phone bill, within 4 minutes manages to get hold of it and read it all.
Less than 4 minutes to decide to confront him, have a conversation about whether he’s having an affair and get back on Mums net. Yeh right, it doesn’t add up.

Exactly what I was just thinking… must have been a quick conversation!

Schnooze · 04/02/2023 08:20

So what do you plan to do now or do you believe him now?

Biscuits1011 · 04/02/2023 08:21

Anyway of guessing his password for his phone? My ex asked me to use his card for something once, and i just thought I wonder if that’s his password. It was. Lots of backstory to this but anyway, it may not be hard to guess, men can be pretty stupid when it comes to things like that. No offence to any men that read this 🤣

Snoken · 04/02/2023 08:22

People on this thread are bonkers and controlling!

I would definitely leave any husband if they did what people on this thread suggests. I started to go to the gym (not for the first time) and once woke up in the night and picked up my phone, this doesn't justify my husband following me to my grandparents, putting a tracker in my car/bag, calling my grandparents to really check that I am where I said I was going, hacking into my phone account to see who I have been in contact with, going through my phone etc. This is what people who end up murdering their souses do. I'd be really scared if this happened to me. Maybe he is cheating, but most likely he is just going to the gym because he has overindulged over Christmas and doesn't feel good about himself.

Patineur · 04/02/2023 08:24

Has he said how he's getting to his grandparents. Offer him a lift anyway.

mattyd · 04/02/2023 08:47

@Busbygirl, Well spotted!

SwingandaPrayer · 04/02/2023 08:52

Coffeeandchocs · 03/02/2023 22:44

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that I think all of the suggestions to check phone bills, follow him tomorrow, guess his passwords for thing etc. are really off the mark! If a man had posted here saying he’d had suspicions about his wife so had been doing these things he’d be piled on for being insecure and controlling.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

He’s started going to the gym and running. That doesn’t automatically scream to me that he’s having an affair. An isolated incident where you’ve woke to him on his phone in the middle of the night doesn’t ring alarm bells for me either. I’d also think that if he was meeting another woman, surely using the excuse of a place you’d normally go together would be far too risky? Surely he’d worry about you mentioning his visit alone to his grandparents next time you are there?

I think there are a lot of scorned women replying to you with suggestions. I’ve been there myself! I know when you get those doubts they are hard to shake. Put the shoe on the other foot though, if you’d taken up a new hobby and then wanted to visit family alone one day and your parter jumped to the assumption you were having an affair, would you think their suspicions were outlandish? Because I would!

Yep, I'm with you on this one. If he works, running at night is the only time he can go, post-xmas bod prompting the return to the gym, as you said he used to go a lot. Personally waking up in the night and seeing my DH on his phone is perfectly normal. He doesn't read books and watch g the TV would wake me up so he scrolls through Twitter. Everyone needs some time to them selves and maybe he just fancies seeing Granny on his own.

Maybe I'm naive or just. more of a glass-half-full kind of person.

Your best option would have been to just him if there's anything bothering him at the mo if he seems more distant. Maybe there are problems at work, money issues, family probs he is keeping to himself.

I hope it's all a fuss over nothing, OP.

purpledalmation · 04/02/2023 09:00

People here said don't confront him because he will deny! Now you've put him on his guard and he will hide it better.

Mirabai · 04/02/2023 09:03

It would have been much more sensible just to ask to go along to gps to check he’s actually going.

Sometimes gut feeling is simply paranoia.

Cocobutt · 04/02/2023 09:10

I wouldn’t have asked him outright as he would never admit to it and now be much more secretive.

If you usually go to his grandparents together then I’d have just acted like you were going too until he said otherwise.
And then I would have dropped him off there like most couples would do.

None of what he is doing screams that he’s having an affair but that doesn’t mean he’s not.

Just drop it and apologise for asking him, then he’ll start getting sloppy again soon and you can get more concrete evidence.

CheshireCat1 · 04/02/2023 09:21

I’ve been in a similar situation, my ex denied an affair at first, but about a week later I sat him down explained my worries/concerns and he admitted it. You need to make some time to sit down with your husband and calmly discuss your thoughts, communication is the key. If you don’t this will fester and damage your relationship anyway,it may be an affair, it may not.

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