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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a gut feeling about DH

283 replies

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:15

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
northstar19 · 04/02/2023 09:44

@Busbygirl Why would I lie 😂 I can easily access his phone bill as his contract is linked to my account. I texted him, he replied quickly, I reported back here. Not difficult.

OP posts:
DontLikeMenthols · 04/02/2023 09:47

The amount of people who claim ‘gut feeling’ when it’s actually just anxiety is astounding.

I feel so sorry for the partners of those who think they are entitled to look through their partners phones, check up on them, check their phone bills and stalk them just to ease their own anxieties and insecurities.

youre not entitled to invade someone else’s privacy because of your ‘gut feeling’ - that’s not how trust works. If you don’t trust him then what is looking at his phone bill going to change? You already think he’s cheating so the trust is gone.

i started going to the gym more in January after Christmas and got back into a proper routine, started looking after my appearance a bit more cos it makes ME feel good. If my partner accused me of cheating I’d be devastated.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 04/02/2023 09:51

Sorry OP I would be suspicious too, lets see if he still goes to granny's!

knittingaddict · 04/02/2023 09:55

northstar19 · 04/02/2023 09:44

@Busbygirl Why would I lie 😂 I can easily access his phone bill as his contract is linked to my account. I texted him, he replied quickly, I reported back here. Not difficult.

You asked him via text? Have I got that right?

ThePreacherLikesTheCold · 04/02/2023 09:59

Nothing you have said screams affair to me. Your gut feeling could just be anxiety.

Choconut · 04/02/2023 10:01

Asking him - while seeming like the mature and sensible thing to do - doesn't work in this situation. Of course he was going to deny it and of course he was going to say you're being daft (that's the start of gas lighting right there - making you doubt yourself and think maybe you're just being silly). Asking him by text was the worst possible way as then you couldn't even see his face or how he reacted and he had time to think what he wanted to type. Now you're no further forward and he knows that he needs to be a lot more careful.

NoraButty · 04/02/2023 10:09

the gym / running / visiting ‘might’ all be nothing untoward but if they are excuses to get out of the house without you there will be added signs, such as… new clothes, new underwear, new aftershave. Also, his gym clothes won’t need washing, he’ll not be sweaty after a run and, if he usually would take water, he’ll forget.

stoodmyground · 04/02/2023 10:10

Tell him last minute you’ll go with him to his gp’s.

WingBingo · 04/02/2023 10:12

Anyone who spends time on the relationship boards will know how these threads start and end. Usually a sad outcome.

I think I can tell who doesn’t usually spend time there. This is suspicious but you should always keep you cards close to your chest.

observe, wait and you’ll soon know. Trust your gut

I really hope it’s not the case though.

Laiste · 04/02/2023 10:25

Wow!
It's unbelievable!

creepycumsmile · 04/02/2023 10:28

I'm not so sure about all this "women's intuition" stuff. Some of it is sheer batshittery and paranoia, and overthinking the other person's normal fluctuations in mood etc. My teenage DD was a great one for saying that people were "being weird with her", when they were just being normal and she was ruminating on it.

Going to the gym is normal. Going on your phone if you can't sleep is presumably normal for people who use phones (for them, it's probably like reading a book). Going to see family without your partner is normal. That doesn't mean the OP's partner isn't having an affair, but it is decidedly not conclusive evidence that he is.

He might be watching porn on his phone during the night, but I couldn't get worked up about that.

Mirabai · 04/02/2023 10:31

northstar19 · 04/02/2023 09:44

@Busbygirl Why would I lie 😂 I can easily access his phone bill as his contract is linked to my account. I texted him, he replied quickly, I reported back here. Not difficult.

You can’t mean you asked your DH if he was having an affair by text?

forwhatitsworth22 · 04/02/2023 10:32

Different view, what if it's just wanting to getting to fit, lose weight etc, new year, new goals etc

Original poster
northstar19 · 04/02/2023 10:33

For now I'm going to take his word for it but watch closely from here as others have said. The truth always comes out in the end anyway eventually. Just hope I'm wrong though.

OP posts:
FannyChmelar · 04/02/2023 10:39

Busbygirl · 04/02/2023 07:14

I’m calling BS
Doesn’t know how to get his phone bill, within 4 minutes manages to get hold of it and read it all.
Less than 4 minutes to decide to confront him, have a conversation about whether he’s having an affair and get back on Mums net. Yeh right, it doesn’t add up.

Yes the 4 minute gap to ask him and then get back on MN to rely the message seems sus.

Although OP has since said she texted him.

So he was out on a Friday night without her (with who?) and managed to reply to her text almost immediately.

Anyway, even if this is real, the withdrawing and being on phone at 3am could point to an online gambling addiction.

Original poster
northstar19 · 04/02/2023 10:41

Funny how people seem to think I'm lying 😂 honestly wtf would I get out of doing that? I asked here for advice, I've no reason to lie.

He wasn't out last night. I was upstairs in bed because I've been feeling unwell and he was downstairs. I'm not lying.

OP posts:
anotherday11 · 04/02/2023 10:46

@northstar19 what time is he due to go to his grandparents today? Are you gonna try and go with him to see if he tries to wriggle out of it?

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 10:48

SwingandaPrayer · 04/02/2023 08:52

Yep, I'm with you on this one. If he works, running at night is the only time he can go, post-xmas bod prompting the return to the gym, as you said he used to go a lot. Personally waking up in the night and seeing my DH on his phone is perfectly normal. He doesn't read books and watch g the TV would wake me up so he scrolls through Twitter. Everyone needs some time to them selves and maybe he just fancies seeing Granny on his own.

Maybe I'm naive or just. more of a glass-half-full kind of person.

Your best option would have been to just him if there's anything bothering him at the mo if he seems more distant. Maybe there are problems at work, money issues, family probs he is keeping to himself.

I hope it's all a fuss over nothing, OP.

Show quote history

I don’t think you’re naive. I think the people saying that the OP should listen to her gut and follow her husband when he goes out have deep rooted issues and are very insecure. If the situation was reversed and the OP came on here saying her husband had been doing some of the things suggested she do, and his reasoning was that he was following his gut instincts, people would be telling her than he was controlling and insecure and she should reconsider her relationship.
I can’t believe the general consensus on this thread has been that the OP should “investigate” by snooping through phone records and following her partner around! All based on him going to the gym and visiting his family!!!

Original poster
northstar19 · 04/02/2023 10:51

@anotherday11 He's already gone. I saw him checking the bus times on his phone

OP posts:
mattyd · 04/02/2023 10:55

Texting your DH to ask if he's having an affair, while you're in the same house, is so bizarre it must be true. Did you not want to see his reaction OP?

knittingaddict · 04/02/2023 10:56

Laiste · 04/02/2023 10:25

Wow!
It's unbelievable!

😃

PrincessCalley · 04/02/2023 10:57

Just to point out OP my husband does all those things that have made u suspect yours of having an affair. I would often wake at night and he's on his phone or not even in bed but he's a terrible sleeper and would have work on his mind a lot. He also goes to visit his parents without me and stays over night. We live beside mine so I would see them almost every day so its his time with them. He also has taken up running recently and has lost weight and looks great but I would be a runner myself and would have spent a lot of time last year running alone. The thought of him having an affair has never crossed my mind. Its normal behaviour.

But how is your relationship overall? Are you close and having regular sex? Because something is not right if his behaviour is making you jump to the "he's having an affair" conclusion.

knittingaddict · 04/02/2023 11:07

The timelines don't really work. 4 minutes to:

Op writes message with relevant details of affair.
Husband receives message.
Thinks about it for 2 seconds.
Writes a reply that isn't "wtf".
Op receives message.
Op posts on mn.

If I had received a text from my husband asking if I was having an affair I would not be typing a reply within seconds. I would be too stunned, even if I was guilty. There would be a dialogue surely? Too weird.

Original poster
northstar19 · 04/02/2023 11:10

@knittingaddict Honestly it's not that deep.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 04/02/2023 11:10

Obviously not.