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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a gut feeling about DH

283 replies

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:15

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 04/02/2023 13:09

It's a shame that everyone is so ready to accuse the husband of having an affair.

knittingaddict · 04/02/2023 13:11

Not everyone, by any means.

MovingOnwardsandUpwards · 04/02/2023 13:14

Christ, NEVER ask someone if they're cheating on you without evidence! The likelihood of them saying 'Yeah, you don't mind do you?' is zero if they are actually cheating!

You should have driven to his grandparents timing it so you were parked up out of sight with a view of their front door before he was due there. If he didn't turn up, you could have called him on the pretext of asking about something else then asked what time he arrived. If he hadn't then you'd know something was up but there could have been other reasons he'd have lied about going to his grandparents so still not evidence of cheating and you'd need to do more digging.

Even if OP did turn up at grandparents later on on the pretext of offering a lift, he'll probably be there as knew OP had cottoned on (if guilty) because she asked him so wouldn't have risked not going.

candycrush789 · 04/02/2023 13:15

I don’t mean to be a negative Nancy but everytime I’ve had a gut feeling it’s proved to be right. That’s not to say he is doing anything though. Asking him may help him to clear his tracks so I wouldn’t do that but then you can’t get access to his phone. Sorry I have no advice but I hope your okay, I really know how it feels xx

MovingOnwardsandUpwards · 04/02/2023 13:17

Also off topic but why doesn't he drive? It'd be a massive turn off for me to be with a man who didn't drive and had to get buses when I drove.

AuntieStella · 04/02/2023 13:24

It is the time of year when people start new fitness routines. So I hope it's storm in a teacup.

I would either announce 11th hour that I'm going with him to the GPs, or would find an errand in that direction, and ring him at a suitable time saying you are passing and will be there in about 20mins and will give him a lift back

PrinceHaz · 04/02/2023 13:28

Do you have Find my IPhone? Can you see where he is that way?
You're going to have to bide your time now as you’ve let the cat out of the bag. I’d give it about 2 weeks until he lets his guard down again. In the meantime, I’d act as if I’ve accepted his version and be normal and friendly.

BellePeppa · 04/02/2023 13:33

There’s another thread very similar to this one. Her husband has been going to ‘golf’. Very similar situation and advice pretty much the same. Might be worth looking at it for suggestions etc.

CrazyLadie · 04/02/2023 14:09

ivegotthisyeah · 03/02/2023 21:24

Just announce to him your going with him to the grandparents what his reaction carefully

This definitely

Flyinggeesei234 · 04/02/2023 14:37

What does ‘sat on his phone’ mean in the OP?

blueshoes · 04/02/2023 14:49

twoandcooplease · 04/02/2023 11:41

You think your HUSBAND is cheating and it's not that deep?
How could you not have run down the stairs and spoken face to face.

I think you're making this all up for entertainment and that's sad
Have a nice day

This.

OP, everything you said is bs.

If you were truly worried about your gut instinct you would have asked him face-to-face because body language is far more truthful than a text.

Good luck with your life.

badgergirly · 04/02/2023 14:56

@northstar19 has he gone to his grandparents?

BadNomad · 04/02/2023 14:59

Flyinggeesei234 · 04/02/2023 14:37

What does ‘sat on his phone’ mean in the OP?

Using his phone while sitting.

oiltrader · 04/02/2023 15:12

there is probably a logically explanation for it all. why do MN get so anti men on these threads? x

DontLikeMenthols · 04/02/2023 15:19

oiltrader · 04/02/2023 15:12

there is probably a logically explanation for it all. why do MN get so anti men on these threads? x

i assume because majority of PP are in unhappy, insecure relationships themselves and threads like this make them feel better about their own unhealthy situations and coping mechanisms.

the fact so many PP jump to ‘hire a private detective’ just says it all really, absolutely bonkers behaviour.

oiltrader · 04/02/2023 15:24

DontLikeMenthols · 04/02/2023 15:19

i assume because majority of PP are in unhappy, insecure relationships themselves and threads like this make them feel better about their own unhealthy situations and coping mechanisms.

the fact so many PP jump to ‘hire a private detective’ just says it all really, absolutely bonkers behaviour.

Show quote history

Totally agree

it is not ok to disrespect someone's privacy over a "gut feeling"

creepycumsmile · 04/02/2023 18:33

Flyinggeesei234 · 04/02/2023 14:37

What does ‘sat on his phone’ mean in the OP?

I'm the biggest grammar pedant on the planet, and even I know what this mangled English means. I don't believe you didn't understand it.

redskydelight · 04/02/2023 18:55

BellePeppa · 04/02/2023 13:33

There’s another thread very similar to this one. Her husband has been going to ‘golf’. Very similar situation and advice pretty much the same. Might be worth looking at it for suggestions etc.

Worth a look to see that not all men are having affairs and sometimes they are just doing what they say they are.

Turned out the man in that thread was actually playing golf.

Flyinggeesei234 · 04/02/2023 18:57

creepycumsmile · 04/02/2023 18:33

I'm the biggest grammar pedant on the planet, and even I know what this mangled English means. I don't believe you didn't understand it.

Show quote history

@creepycumsmile what? I thought it might mean trying to conceal it. Not a clue, sorry. What does it mean if you’re so smart?

Flyinggeesei234 · 04/02/2023 19:00

@creepycumsmile it seems to me you assume everyone has perfect English. Not understanding something doesn’t always mean they’re uneducated. It can be that English is not first language. I thought I was fluent, and every so often realise not and am put in my box online. Charming.

DontLikeMenthols · 04/02/2023 20:18

Flyinggeesei234 · 04/02/2023 18:57

@creepycumsmile what? I thought it might mean trying to conceal it. Not a clue, sorry. What does it mean if you’re so smart?

Show quote history

It means he was sat using his phone…

creepycumsmile · 04/02/2023 20:34

Flyinggeesei234 · 04/02/2023 19:00

@creepycumsmile it seems to me you assume everyone has perfect English. Not understanding something doesn’t always mean they’re uneducated. It can be that English is not first language. I thought I was fluent, and every so often realise not and am put in my box online. Charming.

I'm not "so smart". However, I'm savvy enough to know that people who don't know how to use English properly say "he was sat on his phone" to mean that he was sitting down, doing something involving his phone (I wouldn't know what, as I don't have a phone). It obviously doesn't mean that someone seated him somewhere in such a way that he had his arse plonked on top of his telephone.

If I can work this out, anyone can.

Original poster
northstar19 · 04/02/2023 20:41

Update: he asks me why I've been being "off", generally down and snappy. I was honest with him and told how how I've been feeling. Said that I had an instinct that I couldn't ignore and was struggling with it. He asks me why and what basis do I have for feeling like that? He says who with? When? And how? I said I don't know. He says is it because he's started going to the gym recently etc.. and he swears on DC life nothing is going on. If he was he would straight up end things with me rather then going down that route of doing it in secret and dragging it out.

What to think?

OP posts:
Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 20:48

northstar19 · 04/02/2023 20:41

Update: he asks me why I've been being "off", generally down and snappy. I was honest with him and told how how I've been feeling. Said that I had an instinct that I couldn't ignore and was struggling with it. He asks me why and what basis do I have for feeling like that? He says who with? When? And how? I said I don't know. He says is it because he's started going to the gym recently etc.. and he swears on DC life nothing is going on. If he was he would straight up end things with me rather then going down that route of doing it in secret and dragging it out.

What to think?

Think that everyone on here encouraging you to make accusations based on your husband starting the gym and going to visit his grandparents ONCE is enjoying the drama and winding you up to create a problem out of nothing.
Think about how you would feel to be accused of something like this with such little actual evidence of anything going on other than a niggling feeling that something is off.

Nagado · 04/02/2023 20:51

I think if you wanted a genuine answer to whether you were right to feel something was ‘off’ then you fucked it by showing your hand too early. As it is, he’s going to carry on doing what he’s doing, and if he is up to no good, then you’ll never find out because he’ll be super cautious because he knows your on to him.

You’re just going to have to put a smile on your face and stop being so openly suspicious. If he’s innocent, you’ll end up damaging your relationship because he’ll realise you don’t trust him. Unless he admits to it, the only way you’ll get an answer is to be sneaky about it.