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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is AIBU me or DH in regards to DD punching girl in her year.

287 replies

Pointlessworrying · 03/02/2023 20:20

Our 14 year old DD is a wonderful, intelligent and happy girl, she is in Y9 at an independent all girls school and has a lovely bunch of friends.

She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers.

I would say she has a good sense of worth which we obviously encourage and the following is an isolated incident.

I caught the tale end of her telling her DS at the dinner table that a girl in her year had slapped her, the 1st time she had turned round she thought it must have been an accident, the 2nd she had asked her to stop the 3 time she actually caught her head and DD had turned round and punched her in the Jaw.

The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future.

However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again.

Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying…

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her.

Mostly it’s highlighted that DH and I are obviously on quite different pages to how our DC should act in this kind of situation and wondered what people thought.

OP posts:
Pipinn · 03/02/2023 22:52

Privately I would say good for her but any ‘self defence’ has to have reasonable force.
If she did that as an adult in a fight in a club and broke the persons jaw then it would be your daughter who was being charged and with a criminal record, not the other girl.

whumpthereitis · 03/02/2023 22:55

Team DH and daughter. I hit back at a similar age, turns out ‘fight’ is my reflexive response to someone putting hands on me.

If you hit someone don’t be shocked if they hit you back. Good for your DD.

Nagado · 03/02/2023 22:59

She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers She took three slaps from this nasty little bully before she put a stop to it. I think her fuse sounds pretty long.

The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future I wonder if the teacher was so kind about it because she thought that your daughter did nothing wrong and the bully deserved it?

However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again I completely agree. However, now the bully realises that there are very real consequences to her repeatedly slapping other students, I suspect the situation won’t arise again. At least not for your daughter.

Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying… He’s quite right. Do you understand how bullies work? They pick on someone who won’t fight back and they don’t stop.

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her What did you expect her to do? She gave the bully the benefit of the doubt and she warned her not to do it again. Do you really think that a teenager who randomly attacks another teen will stop doing it because your DD threatens to tell on her?

anya21 · 03/02/2023 23:08

There was a similar situationto this when my DS was at school. Disppproportionate retaliato to provocation.He couldnt get a place at med school because the school disclosed it on the reference

MrsRandom123 · 03/02/2023 23:21

I’m with your DH. This is how i would hope my daughter would react too! She was slapped twice & asked her to stop when she didn’t your dd defended herself.

i don’t condone violence & i always tell mine to never raise their hand first but if someone hits them hit back & hit back hard. They won’t hit you again if they know what will happen.

MichaelKeaton · 03/02/2023 23:23

EarringsandLipstick · 03/02/2023 21:23

I’d hazard a guess his options would be expletives or violence, anything else would get him laughed at.

What?

Mine are told to tell them firmly to 'stop'. It's not the words, it's the confidence & authority.

And if it doesn't work, teacher.

My kids have gone to a school with broadly good kids & great teachers who support the kids& parents, though.

Not every child has the privilege of being bullied by ‘good’ kids though where a Hermione Granger-esque firm retort would work.

Mind you, even she resorted to punching Malloy in the chops.

OldFan · 03/02/2023 23:29

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands

What do you suggest she says @Pointlessworrying ? These are bullies, they are thugs. They don't listen to words, they would just mimic the person and have a go at them more. I know because I tried it.

whatthebejesus · 03/02/2023 23:39

sst1234 · 03/02/2023 20:23

He’s right. You are naive, if you think you can hug your way out of being bullied. Nicey nicey doesn’t work with bullies. She should have punched the other girl harder.

This^^

Someone hits you the first time you hit them back twice as hard. They learn fast.

WishingMyLifeAway · 03/02/2023 23:45

I was bullied all the way through school. I was not the type to know how to standup for myself. I have been left with a lifelong serious mental illness and problems making friends. Bullying has very serious consequences. Studies have shown that the impact is as bad or worse than abuse.

Bullies only respond to force. They need to know you aren't the one to target as you'll fight back. Schools generally do fuck all to stop bullying so "telling a teacher" generally has little effect.

I'm with your DH. Your DD sounds amazing. Good for her.

BackAgainstWall · 03/02/2023 23:58

I haven’t voted because it’s a difficult one.

As we all know every action gets a reaction, so I totally see and agree why your DD did it.

But I’m also with you on this, it could possibly escalate in the wrong direction, but more so the affect one punch can have in terms of damage and even causing death.

My DS is in YR11 and he is extremely strong and powerful.

He’s really not a bully and never has been, but I know he would also in the end defend himself and in doing so the damage could be catastrophic, which is very worrying.

Not much help but totally understand your concerns, particularly as there seems to be so much of this aggressive type of behaviour these days.

OldFan · 04/02/2023 00:06

I was bullied all the way through school. I was not the type to know how to standup for myself. I have been left with a lifelong serious mental illness and problems making friends. Bullying has very serious consequences. Studies have shown that the impact is as bad or worse than abuse.

@WishingMyLifeAway Yep. It is trauma, I had to have EMDR partly for the effects of it.

TimeToFlyNow · 04/02/2023 00:11

So you don't know what actually happend because no teacher has been in touch with you? Neh don't believe it

Duckingella · 04/02/2023 00:18

Was she supposed to stand there and carry on being slapped?

Maray1967 · 04/02/2023 00:20

Toooldtoworry · 03/02/2023 20:26

Am also with your DH and DD. Bullies need to be shown that their actions have consequences. Your daughter taught the bully the consequence of slapping someone x 3 is getting punched back.

I agree with this entirely. The bully has hopefully learned a valuable lesson.

quietnightmare · 04/02/2023 00:22

Violence is never the answer which is true but in this case if said story is the turn then.... She did well not to smack her back the first or second time, the bully got what was coming to her, it's right to stick up for yourself and in this case she was backed into a corner

LemonSwan · 04/02/2023 00:22

I think you have to go with the teacher on this one. If teacher is being ‘really nice’ about your dd punching someone in the face - then the girl must be a real piece of work or your dd has made the whole thing up.

tweedledee12 · 04/02/2023 00:29

Genegenieee · 03/02/2023 20:39

Shocked that so many think this would be self defence.

A slap or a punch could both result in criminal charges if the victim went to the police. However the resulting charge if any for the slap would be far less than for a punch.

And no the punch is not self defence. That is utter shite. The force used has to be reasonable. There is a ton of case law on this.

But good luck to all of you bringing up your kids this way. Future inmates of the future, ignorance and stupidity is not a defence either. Jesus wept.

Good luck to people like you bringing kids up to be victims - who will later in life, have to deal with the consequences of being brought up to be a door mat.

My kids will be brought up to defend themselves, have kick-boxing lessons, and use them if required - but never, ever to bully.

I was brought up to hit back - and I did. I wasn't told to let someone hit me three times before I retaliated either.

The world has gone mad!

Duckingella · 04/02/2023 00:31

When my son was at school a boy in his year was giving him grief,threatened to f* up my son then told him he had a knife and was going to "shank him".

My son wasn't prepared to take the risk of a knife being pulled on him so punched the other boy hard enough to drop him on the floor then immediately went to the nearest staff member.

The head teacher hauled my husband in and tried to drag him over hot coals over the incident saying my son could prosecuted for assault and be expelled.My husband then proceeded to educate the headteacher on the laws surrounding self defence mainly on pre-emptive strikes (something my husband has experience in in a professional capacity) and asked him what he was planning on doing about the boy who said he was carrying a knife he obviously wanted to use for acts of violence and to cause harm and did the school call the police in to search him for a knife?

Myself and DH absolutely stand by our son punching the other boy;it was certainly better than getting a visit from the police to tell us our son had been stabbed.

It might be more extreme than the incident in question on this post but I agree with a child's right to defend themselves in such situations.

BashfulClam · 04/02/2023 00:33

I unfortunately have a short fuse, at school I was a swot and wore glasses but I’m also
tall. A wee ned in my class kept punching the bs is of my knee as I walked upstairs in front of her to make my knees buckle. She then karate chopped the soft bit on the back of my knee and I booted her in the face similar to how a horse would kick backwards . I had asked her repeatedly to stop as I was struggling to walk. I broke her nose, witnesses backed me and I said it was a reflex action caused by the way she hit my leg. I was never bullied by anyone after that as I had a reputation of taking no shit.

ButterCrackers · 04/02/2023 00:40

Your daughter seems to have acted in self defence. I’d be writing a letter to the school asking for them to deal with the violent pupil who attacked your daughter. I’d be reporting it to the police as well. Violence needs to be stopped.

Hawkins002 · 04/02/2023 00:41

Pointlessworrying · 03/02/2023 20:20

Our 14 year old DD is a wonderful, intelligent and happy girl, she is in Y9 at an independent all girls school and has a lovely bunch of friends.

She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers.

I would say she has a good sense of worth which we obviously encourage and the following is an isolated incident.

I caught the tale end of her telling her DS at the dinner table that a girl in her year had slapped her, the 1st time she had turned round she thought it must have been an accident, the 2nd she had asked her to stop the 3 time she actually caught her head and DD had turned round and punched her in the Jaw.

The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future.

However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again.

Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying…

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her.

Mostly it’s highlighted that DH and I are obviously on quite different pages to how our DC should act in this kind of situation and wondered what people thought.

Is it possible for your dd to take classes on marital arts, sorta like Jason Bourne training for self defence ?

DonnaBanana · 04/02/2023 00:41

Good on your son. A threat to be “shanked” is a literal death threat so even the hardest of punches is more than reasonable force in return. I hope he’s alright!

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2023 01:08

That girl played the game of Fuck Around and Find Out. She found out.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 04/02/2023 01:14

Fantastic daughter! Sensible Dad!

ForeverWeBlend · 04/02/2023 01:23

Your DH was right. I'd put money on the fact the other girl finds a different way to entertain herself from now on.