Page 10 | Who is AIBU me or DH in regards to DD punching girl in her year.

Pointlessworrying · 2023-02-03T20:20:20+00:00

Our 14 year old DD is a wonderful, intelligent and happy girl, she is in Y9 at an independent all girls school and has a lovely bunch of friends. She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers. I would say she has a good sense of worth which we obviously encourage and the following is an isolated incident. I caught the tale end of her telling her DS at the dinner table that a girl in her year had slapped her, the 1st time she had turned round she thought it must have been an accident, the 2nd she had asked her to stop the 3 time she actually caught her head and DD had turned round and punched her in the Jaw. The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future. However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again. Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying… I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her. Mostly it’s highlighted that DH and I are obviously on quite different pages to how our DC should act in this kind of situation and wondered what people thought.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 04/02/2023 11:24

@Genegenieee I agree with you. At 14, in a few years the OP's daughter is going to be out on nights out and punching won't be ok in all but exceptional circumstances (life-threatening). As adults, I have had to step in and remind my husband on one occasion that if he gave someone their 'just desserts' (in relation to a huge and upsetting slight on our family) then HE, not them would be in police custody with all that that entails for his job, his career: why should we suffer and then the perpetrator get off? Also see Will Smith for a similar situation; he undoubtedly was 'defending his wife' honour' but it was seen as unprovoked.

I agree that knowing how to de-escalate or use proportionate force is the way forward from here, even though no-one would blame her for reacting instinctively in the moment, especially if she is unusually strong for some reason.

RomeoOscarXrayIndigoEcho · 04/02/2023 11:29

After being provoked 3 times I can understand why she lashed out. I'm with your DH.

I was bullied at school. I tried everything suggested here to stop it. Nothing worked until I hit back. Once I hit back I was never bothered again.

We've told our DC to never, ever start anything and given them a list of tactics and techniques to try first. They also know that they have our support if they do hit back. I'm recording every incident of bullying with their guidance teachers so that there's a record if something happens.

ReneBumsWombats · 04/02/2023 11:35

Yeah, team husband. Slapping girl was lucky to get away with it twice. How many times are you supposed to put up with that?

Letthekidsplay · 04/02/2023 11:45

You’re ridiculous to want your daughter to use her words while being battered.

Genegenieee · 04/02/2023 12:11

Highdaysandholidays1 · 04/02/2023 11:24

@Genegenieee I agree with you. At 14, in a few years the OP's daughter is going to be out on nights out and punching won't be ok in all but exceptional circumstances (life-threatening). As adults, I have had to step in and remind my husband on one occasion that if he gave someone their 'just desserts' (in relation to a huge and upsetting slight on our family) then HE, not them would be in police custody with all that that entails for his job, his career: why should we suffer and then the perpetrator get off? Also see Will Smith for a similar situation; he undoubtedly was 'defending his wife' honour' but it was seen as unprovoked.

I agree that knowing how to de-escalate or use proportionate force is the way forward from here, even though no-one would blame her for reacting instinctively in the moment, especially if she is unusually strong for some reason.

My DB's friend gave someone their just desserts, didn't know his strength, was retaliating, had been taught by his da to defend himself, tried to claim self defence. He killed the lad who had attacked him with one punch to the head. All of the above was Irrelevant - he was convicted.

Killing someone has wrecked two families lives, and really really wrecked him and messed him up mentally for life.

A punch to the head can kill and everyone on here saying I'm with DH, when the DD has punched in the head, is either unspeakably ill informed, or has fucked up values.

The worst thing can happen in these situations.

Teach your kids to defend themselves legitimately.

PeanutButterSmoothie · 04/02/2023 12:17

I think after slapping her three times (possibly more if left to continue) the other girl was more than deserving.

PeanutButterSmoothie · 04/02/2023 12:21

And yes a punch has a very slim chance of killing (less likely from a female tbh) but a slap could blind if a nail caught the eye, which is probs more likely.

Everyonehasavoice · 04/02/2023 12:23

Toooldtoworry · 04/02/2023 07:29

If you were the DD what would you have done to stop the slapping?

On that note are you saying if someone is being attacked/burgled/raped/etc that they should just take it because 'two wrongs don't make a right'.

The world is not black and white. Plenty of grey areas, and sometimes you have to fight.

As I've already said the bully learnt the consequences of their actions.

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I would have spoken to a teacher straight away.
Just like the other girl did when she was attacked.

I would not condone violence

Helen901 · 04/02/2023 12:25

your daughter did the right thing in my opinion. Stand up for herself. She gave them a chance

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/02/2023 12:27

Broadly speaking I think your DH is right Op. I wouldn’t want my child to be forever hitting other kids or doing it unprovoked , but doesn’t sound like this was the case here.

Soozikinzii · 04/02/2023 12:52

I'm also with DD and DH . She told the girl to stop . She didn't. She got what She deserved.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 04/02/2023 12:59

I'm with your DH. Bullies need stood up to. She won't be picked on again.

ReneBumsWombats · 04/02/2023 13:11

Genegenieee · 04/02/2023 12:11

My DB's friend gave someone their just desserts, didn't know his strength, was retaliating, had been taught by his da to defend himself, tried to claim self defence. He killed the lad who had attacked him with one punch to the head. All of the above was Irrelevant - he was convicted.

Killing someone has wrecked two families lives, and really really wrecked him and messed him up mentally for life.

A punch to the head can kill and everyone on here saying I'm with DH, when the DD has punched in the head, is either unspeakably ill informed, or has fucked up values.

The worst thing can happen in these situations.

Teach your kids to defend themselves legitimately.

Show quote history

A punch to the head can kill

Which is why you don't stand there dithering when someone's already struck you three times for no reason.

Hellsmovie · 04/02/2023 13:17

It amazes me on here when parents are happy for there children to get assaulted with defending themselves

Hellsmovie · 04/02/2023 13:18

*Without defending themselves

Patineur · 04/02/2023 13:18

I'm with you, OP. The main question for me is: why did your DD not remove herself and tell the teacher the first time she was slapped? She's remarkable lucky that the teacher was nice about this, she could justifiably have been punished quite severely.

Out in the real world she could have been prosecuted for assault. Self defence is only a defence to a charge of using violence if it's a reasonable response; if you have another way of protecting yourself, i.e. walking away and seeking help, you may well be found guilty of assault if you hit someone instead.

Hellsmovie · 04/02/2023 13:23

Patineur · 04/02/2023 13:18

I'm with you, OP. The main question for me is: why did your DD not remove herself and tell the teacher the first time she was slapped? She's remarkable lucky that the teacher was nice about this, she could justifiably have been punished quite severely.

Out in the real world she could have been prosecuted for assault. Self defence is only a defence to a charge of using violence if it's a reasonable response; if you have another way of protecting yourself, i.e. walking away and seeking help, you may well be found guilty of assault if you hit someone instead.

I dont agree with the last bit about being prosecuted for assault.

I've seen police watch back cctv of a male shouting and swearing at another male . Then the male who was being shouted at punched the other male . The police just said looks like self defence to me.

I've also seen a security officer punch a male for pushing him . Then the police arrested the male that pushed the security officer .

hookiewookie29 · 04/02/2023 13:26

Im with DH.
This is how bullying starts.
If my daughter had fought back at the girls who bullied her right from the start, maybe she wouldn't be the mess that she is now......

woodhill · 04/02/2023 13:35

Yes the other girl started it

Isn't the 2 slaps counted as assault in the first place?

lobeliasb · 04/02/2023 14:01

For those suggesting the DD should have removed herself and told a teacher, what do you think that would accomplish? The bully and her friends would deny it and carry on harassing the DD another day.

Singleandproud · 04/02/2023 14:07

I always told DD that she couldn't start a fight but she could finish it, I stand by that. She has neverhurt another person or been in a fight but if someone had hit her three times despite her using her words then I would stand by her.

Minimalme · 04/02/2023 14:49

I couldn't hit anyone so would never hit back. But that is my choice and one I made having grown up being hit and kicked by my Mother.

However, my ds is gentle, kind and has grown up with loving parents in a safe, secure environment.

In year 7 (at his very rough secondary school) a boy went to punch him so he got in first, threw a punch and that was that.

No one ever bothered him again and he is still a happy, kind and confident child.

I wouldn't interfere - your dd made a choice and it doesn't matter if you agree or disagree.

ReneBumsWombats · 04/02/2023 15:02

Minimalme · 04/02/2023 14:49

I couldn't hit anyone so would never hit back. But that is my choice and one I made having grown up being hit and kicked by my Mother.

However, my ds is gentle, kind and has grown up with loving parents in a safe, secure environment.

In year 7 (at his very rough secondary school) a boy went to punch him so he got in first, threw a punch and that was that.

No one ever bothered him again and he is still a happy, kind and confident child.

I wouldn't interfere - your dd made a choice and it doesn't matter if you agree or disagree.

I couldn't hit anyone so would never hit back. But that is my choice and one I made having grown up being hit and kicked by my Mother.

I respect your choice.

I was hit and kicked by my father, until the day I hit the bastard right back.

Onnabugeisha · 04/02/2023 15:20

PeanutButterSmoothie · 04/02/2023 12:21

And yes a punch has a very slim chance of killing (less likely from a female tbh) but a slap could blind if a nail caught the eye, which is probs more likely.

Yep. Slaps can kill too. I know three open hand “slaps” that can kill with one blow.

It’s not whether you are hitting open hand(slap) or closed fist (punch) but how hard you hit and where you hit that matters. Men most often kill with a single punch, and women do a dainty slaps to a cheek and so there’s this cultural association with punches being more dangerous than slaps.

Simulacra · 04/02/2023 15:23

ReneBumsWombats · 04/02/2023 15:02

I couldn't hit anyone so would never hit back. But that is my choice and one I made having grown up being hit and kicked by my Mother.

I respect your choice.

I was hit and kicked by my father, until the day I hit the bastard right back.

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Same, only it was my mother. I was kicked out/left the day I finally clocked her one back over the head with a wine bottle as she was strangling me, or rather, limped out of there with three cracked ribs, a broken nose and a black eye.