Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is AIBU me or DH in regards to DD punching girl in her year.

287 replies

Pointlessworrying · 03/02/2023 20:20

Our 14 year old DD is a wonderful, intelligent and happy girl, she is in Y9 at an independent all girls school and has a lovely bunch of friends.

She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers.

I would say she has a good sense of worth which we obviously encourage and the following is an isolated incident.

I caught the tale end of her telling her DS at the dinner table that a girl in her year had slapped her, the 1st time she had turned round she thought it must have been an accident, the 2nd she had asked her to stop the 3 time she actually caught her head and DD had turned round and punched her in the Jaw.

The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future.

However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again.

Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying…

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her.

Mostly it’s highlighted that DH and I are obviously on quite different pages to how our DC should act in this kind of situation and wondered what people thought.

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 03/02/2023 21:53

I'd love to know how many of the people saying they are shocked at the people saying they think this was Ok were actually bullied despite reporting things to the teacher or telling people to leave them alone.

I'm going to hazard a guess that few to none if them were bullied.

Being bullied or harassed through school sucks and if more bullies were stopped at the start (and, no, they don't stop because the teacher told them too) there would be a whole lot less kids being picked on.

teapotfullofsquash · 03/02/2023 21:55

I'm proud of your daughter on your behalf. She stood up to a bully. Good for her.

My son was continually physically attacked by another boy in his class. The school didn't do anything about it. I told him to hit him back. He didn't touch him, or anyone else for that matter, again.

Montymorency · 03/02/2023 21:58

raise safeguard

OldFan · 03/02/2023 21:58

Nothing wrong with defending yourself if someone is hitting your head.

MegaClutterSlut · 03/02/2023 21:59

Team dh on this one

OldFan · 03/02/2023 22:02

I find what the teacher said more problematic- your DD doesn't have a problem with managing her feelings, her problem is someone is being physically violent to her.

I would be going into school and letting them know what the other girl is doing from the perspective that you've heard @Pointlessworrying . Why is your automatic response that your daugher is doing something wrong? Most mums would be more worried that someone's being physically violent to their child.

I'm a christian and even I wouldn't 'victim blame' or something in this way.

wheresthewine36 · 03/02/2023 22:02

The phrase "fu*k around and find out" springs to mind. This girl hit your daughter twice, your daughter tried to use words to stop the situation, the girl hit her again. Seems to me this girl learned a valuable lesson courtesy of your daughter and hopefully she'll think twice next time she fancies slapping someone.

Canthave2manycats · 03/02/2023 22:05

I would say the teacher's response said a lot. This girl is clearly on their radar, and your DD isn't. A girl in DD2's year took umbrage with her, can't remember what it was over, but it was trivial. Her stupid mother rang my daughter's phone at 12am one night demanding to speak to me. My elder daughter chased her! The girls were 17 anyway ffs!

So girl went to year head to complain about DD2. Year head knowing both girls spoke to my DD about it but was clearly on her side. The other girl was batshit crazy and the apple hadn't fallen far from the tree!!

Similarly, DS aged around 9 was tortured by this nightmare girl in his year. Her behaviour was crazy and her parents enabled this. She threw conkers at him one day and he retaliated. Crazy mother complained to the school. Again year head spoke to him, but knew fine well who the troublemaker was - plus an older boy had witnessed the exchange. It turned out to be really funny - I knew this teacher fairly well from PTA, and he later told me that he had had to give off to DS and then told him to go to the fun day in school that day and enjoy - whereupon DS said that he didn't have any money and teacher gave him a £1 lol!!

Obviously advise your daughter that hitting isn't a good idea but make it clear to her that you have her back and understand why she did it. The school would have taken action if they felt it was merited but clearly they have this girl's card marked!

MrsCarson · 03/02/2023 22:05

I'm with your Dh.

lionsandwhales · 03/02/2023 22:09

I would openly discourage the use of violence and talk about how else it could be managed but would not be internally worried. Prob would have done the same myself. Validating her actions may encourage her to use violence again. On the other hand bullies can enjoy a retaliator and if they are used to being ion receiving end from a grown up bully, will have no fear of pain in a punch up. It could make things worse

FruHagen · 03/02/2023 22:10

I'm with your DH

3 strikes and you're out

Theluggage15 · 03/02/2023 22:13

Good for your daughter. Shame you’re not backing her. Just forget the be kind rubbish, which is basically keep quiet while people take the piss.

Roundandnour · 03/02/2023 22:16

Why should we ever be kind to aggressive people?

Mrsmch123 · 03/02/2023 22:20

Yeh I would have been fine with a punch at the second slap from the other girl. Clearly not an accident so unfortunately for the other girl she got hit back🤷🏻‍♀️

Onnabugeisha · 03/02/2023 22:22

Genegenieee · 03/02/2023 20:28

This. A punch that resulted in this might be manslaughter, but could be murder if prosecution established intention to commit GBH.

A punch following a slap wd be unlikely to constitute self defence. It's disproportionate.

Show quote history

FFS a 14yo untrained girl cannot punch anyone hard enough to kill them with one punch. And honestly open hand vs closed fist, the police are going to look at provocation and whatever bodily harm was done (if any). It’s not automatic that a punch is an escalation above a slap and not self defence.

Stroganoffo · 03/02/2023 22:24

She's 13 I'm more lenient with teens using force it tends to be more a learning curve. If someone is assaulting you are allowed to to defend yourself under reasonable force. Your DD was being slapped repeatedly she punched her in the jaw which was probably a bit OTT , DD didn't use anymore force after that and the incident ended with the other girl backing away. Let's see if the girl slaps your DD again I bet she doesn't. I wouldn't berate your DD over it too much.

Wetblanket78 · 03/02/2023 22:25

Sorry I'm with the dad. If she hadn't stood up for herself that girl would have carried on. What punishment did the other girl get? As she is the one who provoked not once, not twice but three times.

woodhill · 03/02/2023 22:26

The bully won't do this again to your dd

I don't blame her tbh

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/02/2023 22:30

Team Husband here.

I know, on paper, yeah yeah you tell them to stop, you go to a teacher and tell them, and magically it all stops.

In the real world..

You're stood in the lunch queue, you cannot leave the line or you will miss lunch.

The kid behind you keeps poking/pushing/slapping you and each time you turn around pretends they've done nothing whilst their mates all snigger and smirk.

You try to ignore, the shoves/pokes/slaps get harder, they're trying for a reaction, what they WANT is for you to leave or shout and swear and cause a scene so you look stupid and get into trouble.

You cannot go and find a teacher, they're all on their lunch break and busy, or hiding, as any self respecting teacher is because lord knows they've got enough to be getting on with..

Finding a dinner lady (or whatever we call them now) is again, futile, by the time you get back, girl and her mates all pretend you're making it up and the dinner lady tells you all to grow up and nothing is resolved but these girls now know they can wind you up again next time and nothing bad will happen to them.

So yeah, I did turn around and smack the girl doing that to me, so hard she fell over. Because like the OP's daughter, 2 strikes and you're out was definitely my rule and I was smart enough to know that the 'official' way of dealing with this shit is total bollocks. (And yes it did work, she didn't come near me for the next three years, nor did any of her nasty little friends!)

I mean, can anyone who has personally experienced this themselves, or with their kids, honestly tell me it DOES work?! At secondary level, not primary.

I am not for one second saying it is the perfect solution, the ideal solution, a failproof solution - and not all kids are capable of doing it either. It shouldn't be necessary, but some children by that age have learned they can be bullies and once they're determined to be vile to someone, there isn't much else you can do unless the school will exclude them, which is a solution of sorts, but not really, they don't learn NOT to be bullies on the whole, they learn not to get caught, or spend their lives blaming others for the consequences of their own behaviour.

Babymamaroon · 03/02/2023 22:37

She was absolutely right to defend herself.

What a topsy turvy world in which we live.

Yabado · 03/02/2023 22:37

I’m with your husband

“be kind “ clearly doesn’t work

your daughter had every right to defend herself and tough shit on the bully if your daughter has a strong punch

The poor bully didn’t like it when she got punched back and went running to the teacher
so a coward and a bully - typical

hopefully that girl will feel that punch for a long time and think twice before bullying someone again

OoooohMatron · 03/02/2023 22:41

Team DH. Good for your DD and you can bet your life that girl won't be picking on her again.

sassyduck · 03/02/2023 22:47

Good for your daughter!!

CockSpadget · 03/02/2023 22:52

Pretty much the exact same happened with my yr7 DS recently, but his bully was kicking him, not slapping. My DS punched him and bust his lip, a teacher actually witnessed it, they both got a day of isolation. The school did say they knew my DS hadn’t caused the situation, but due to the other child receiving a visible injury they both had to be punished. I didn’t argue against it, but I did tell my DS that I wasn’t angry or disappointed in him, and that he should do the same in future. Funnily enough the bully has avoided him like the plague since.

fluffypillowsandfeathers · 03/02/2023 22:52

Well done to your DD for fighting back. I don't understand how anyone can be mad at her! That's how kids get bullied by not standing up for themselves. I hope the other girl has a big fat lip