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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this a marriage you’d put up with?

229 replies

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:06

I have a big dilemma and need to change now or forever hold my peace. I’ll try to give the whole situation without drip feed.

I married six years ago. No kids, not first marriage for either. We’re both early 50s.

We both have good jobs and I have a BTL mortgage on a home from before we met. It’s in a different part of the country to where we live and work. It’s rented out and we live in ‘his’ house. We pay bills 50/50 and have separate finances. He has family inheritance and earns quite a bit more than me. I get by but have no savings as I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing). The rent almost covers my BTL mortgage. My house is a modest two bed terrace in not expensive area. I don’t have pots of equity in it and have no other pension provision so don’t want to sell it.

He is very stingy and mean. I recently got a 2nd job to help with some extra cash for Christmas (I had to give it up as it was burning me out working 50+ hrs a week over both jobs). He bought himself a £5k cycle during this time as his perfectly ok one ‘needed upgrading’. Fine it’s his money.

He spends a lot of money on himself. Always the best clothes and shoes. Expensive watches. I got a card at Christmas and a deckchair for my birthday.

My question is he unreasonable or am I for wishing my husband who has a lot of spare cash wouldn’t expect me to meet the bills halfway and might help me out rather than see me burn out? I don’t mean lavishly helping just maybe a reduction on my payments and he pay a bit more?

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her. He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

Obviously upping sticks and leaving is an option but at 50 odd I don’t really want to start all over again. My house is not commutable from my job. So to live there I’d need a new job.

I do appreciate my situation is not as dire as some on here and apologise if it offends anyone. Not my intention.

OP posts:

honeypancake · 04/02/2023 10:04

You deserve so much better than this! I would pay a big fat zero if I am not on the mortgage, and would only pay bills and make some contributions towards the house maintenance, and other family expenses, but not even a rent. You are a family not flatmates! Is there love and affection? Do you enjoy his company? It is hard to see what's there for you in this marriage other than some companionship and convenience of commute. He clearly feels like he won a lottery by having a wife who pays half of his mortgage and he doesn't even have to be nice in return! Have a conversation with him, be assertive, demand drastic changes and see what he does. If nothing, I would leave. You may still meet someone much nicer than that!

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 04/02/2023 10:06

It would be sensible at least to look into your rights over the property you're paying half the mortgage on.... a good google could help.
You have plenty of options, OP. You have decades of life ahead hopefully. You could move into your btl property after having found potentially a dream job close to it, new horizons etc., new friends, new reIationships even. It seems as if you're willing to be a kind of doormat for the sake of being married. What's in it for you? Does he actually make you happy, and make you feel safe and loved?
Think of going on singles holidays, pleasing yourself, joining local groups such as U3A

Pipsquiggle · 04/02/2023 10:08

"his money is his and I live in the house so don’t expect that to be free."

But he needs to acknowledge that the current situation is grossly unfair to you.

What's the point of getting married if you are not going to share resources? You might as well be his lodger.

What if you go on holiday together - does he travel business whilst you're in economy? If you go out for a meal does he have steak and chateauneuf de pape and you have cottage pie and tap water?

CrazyCorgi · 04/02/2023 10:11

He sounds foul! Get yourself back to your house and find another job. I’d be mortified if DH felt he had to get another job just so he had the same amount of money as me. All of our money goes into our joint account and we have an equal amount of pocket money per month that goes into our joint account. That’s a financial equal marriage. Yours isn’t.

CrazyCorgi · 04/02/2023 10:13

*sorry our ‘pocket money’ goes into our personal account.

@mumsnet You need an edit feature!! Even if it’s just for 5 minutes after posting.

HiddenGiraffes · 04/02/2023 10:14

I don't really understand "his money is his" in a marriage, what is marriage actually supposed to mean in that situation? As in, why get married rather than remain in an unmarried romantic relationship?

Our income has been completely pooled since we married and there was a spirit of collaboration. I understand some people prefer to also keep separate bank accounts, but in that situation I think you at least calculate contributions to bills etc based on respective incomes.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/02/2023 10:28

It would be sensible at least to look into your rights over the property you're paying half the mortgage on.... a good google could help

A good solicitor could be even better

From the sound of things OP will soon need one anyway, so might as well get in early with the professional advice

Businessflake · 04/02/2023 10:34

If I left I’d be no better off as I’d need to rent and even a small flat would be a big chunk of my salary. That’s my dilemma, leaving is an option but is it a better one?

I think this answers your question for you Op…

He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

I don’t understand why you would put up with this. Don’t think if it as starting over. Think of it as giving yourself the best chance to have a happy life.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/02/2023 10:35

As a married person who until recently was the sole earner, I can't imagine treating my husband, the person I'm supposed to love above all others, like this. What is mine is ours!

I couldn't live like this. I just couldn't. Meanness is a trait I don't tolerate well, and he doesn't seem to have any other redeeming features.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 04/02/2023 10:36

We'll he's tight isn't he? Which I wouldn't find attractive at all.

Minteraye · 04/02/2023 10:37

Do you have a share in the equity of his house or are you just paying ‘rent’?

UWhatNow · 04/02/2023 10:41

I would divorce him and take him for every penny. Let him know what being on the receiving end of ‘stingy and mean’ feels like.

flabbygoldfish · 04/02/2023 10:48

Your friend is right. With such a different in income 50/50 split on his mortgage is not fair not to mention the rest of the stuff.

You need to ask yourself are you happy?, do you feel supported and loved? Does your partner have your back?

If no to any of these your marriage is a lost cause and you need to move on. See a good solicitor and get an exit strategy together...

LadyEloise1 · 04/02/2023 10:49

UWhatNow · 04/02/2023 10:41

I would divorce him and take him for every penny. Let him know what being on the receiving end of ‘stingy and mean’ feels like.

I thought this too.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 04/02/2023 10:55

Don’t pay towards his mortgage this month and spend the money on seeing a solicitor to start divorce proceedings instead. He is financially abusive and nasty to you. Why on Earth would you want to stay married to him?

MadeOfSteel · 04/02/2023 11:04

I couldn't put up with being less than an afterthought in a marriage, OP.

You've supported yourself before and you can do it again. Now, you're just supporting his lovely lifestyle while you work yourself into the ground just to get by. Inside your own marriage!

You deserve t be treated so much better than this.

Proudofitbabe · 04/02/2023 11:05

he is very stingy and mean

I wouldn't have entertained a relationship with someone like this. It's a dreadful quality.

MRex · 04/02/2023 11:11

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:33

I don’t think I’d get anything in a divorce settlement. I’m not financially dependent on him and he had the house before we met.

That isn't true because you've been married for more than 5 years and contributing directly to the mortgage. A solicitor can talk you through what you may be entitled to.

I don't like that you see him as mean, how can that be the person you feel is right for you? You deserve so much more.

MysteryBelle · 04/02/2023 11:15

DarkYorkshire · 04/02/2023 09:43

Thanks everyone for all the contributions. It’s a fairly unanimous response, I didn’t expect that. I didn’t respond to all of the questions, not because I didn’t value them but for anonymity.

As I said in earlier posts it’s not about making my financial position easier, his money is his and I live in the house so don’t expect that to be free. If I lived elsewhere I’d have to pay. The meanness is a big issue though and one I need to give a lot of thought.

As I said in earlier posts it’s not about making my financial position easier, his money is his and I live in the house so don’t expect that to be free. If I lived elsewhere I’d have to pay.

Wow. Why in the world did you post anything then? If his money is his 🙄, and you don’t expect to live in his house for free (?? You’re his wife, right?) and it’s not about making your financial position easier (?? uh, reread your posts please) then stop complaining. You clearly are the perfect person for him.

These threads are truly bizarre. Women who make no sense.

My husband deposits his checks into our one shared account for 26 years without any problem. He would not dream of withholding his money from me. Nor I from him. He treats me with respect. That’s what marriage is.

You have a ‘living arrangement’. A sorry one.

MysteryBelle · 04/02/2023 11:18

His meanness is directly linked to his behavior with money yet you act like it’s separate. Totally bizarre 🙄

bridgetreilly · 04/02/2023 11:19

At the very least, you need to stop paying rent to live in his house and contribute to his mortgage. But the bigger question is why, if he loves you, is he content to see you struggling financially, rather than wanting you to have the same level of stuff he can afford for himself. That does not suggest he cares about you at all.

AIBUYesSometimes · 04/02/2023 11:36

I felt sad reading your last post.

You said his house is his.

You are married! And you are now paying 50% towards it. So it's not 'his' at all.

Why on earth did you get into this financial arrangement anyway?

If I'd married as you did, and moved into a man's house, I'd have insisted I was listed as the joint owner. That for me would show commitment to the relationship.

If he bought this house prior to marrying you, he was funding it himself anyway.
Yes, you wouldn't want to live 'free' but most couples work out their finances together.

You are already paying a BTL mortgage, so if he can afford to pay his own mortgage, you could have increased your payments on your BTL so that, long term, you'd pay less interest.

It strikes me that you should have had joint financial advice on how best to manage your mortgages and investments as a couple.

Otherwise, you are no more than a lodger in his house, helping HIM pay off his mortgage.

You really need to work on your self-worth.
It's hard to know what went wrong with your first marriage. But if you find you choose abusive men because you are afraid of being on your own as a single woman, please seek out a good counsellor and work on yourself so you never accept this kind of treatment again.

MysteryBelle · 04/02/2023 11:36

So you pay half his mortgage and the bills and only his name is on the house. He gets you a card for Christmas and a deck chair for your birthday. He is stingy and mean.

Op, that’s not a husband you’ve got there. That’s a conman. And he’s conned you like nobody’s business. That house will belong to only him after you’ve paid for half of it. Now, is that smart?

Do you not have any idea of how a wife should be treated by her husband and vice versa? You’re supposed to a team now.

But what’s happened is that he didn’t want to get married but you did, you said. So, he reluctantly let you marry him in exchange for paying for half his house and now he can buy all kinds of goodies for himself and still totally own the house at the end of it. He does less than the bare minimum. He goes on trips with his friends and leaves you at home twiddling your thumbs since you have no money. That is unacceptable and outrageous. I don’t understand your thinking at all. You’re there to pay his bills. That’s it. Then you defend him. The mind boggles.

WilsonMilson · 04/02/2023 11:37

This is awful, I couldn’t live like this. My DH is the polar opposite, he would give me the shirt off his back, and I would for him too.
There is no ‘us’ here, no team.

I certainly wouldn’t be paying half a mortgage on a house you seem to have no claim to - sod that shit. In that case, why isn’t he giving you 50% of the buy to let mortgage on your property then? You need to have as serious conversation and reevaluation of your future. If nothing changes I would be consulting a solicitor on the best way forward to recover anything you have contributed to ‘his house’ (and if may not be ‘his’ house depending on when he bought it and for what purpose) and then leave him and his sorry, miserly ass.

WilsonMilson · 04/02/2023 11:38

Also, in the interim I would make a will which leaves your property to anyone else, or charity, but certainly not him!

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