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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a marriage you’d put up with?

229 replies

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:06

I have a big dilemma and need to change now or forever hold my peace. I’ll try to give the whole situation without drip feed.

I married six years ago. No kids, not first marriage for either. We’re both early 50s.

We both have good jobs and I have a BTL mortgage on a home from before we met. It’s in a different part of the country to where we live and work. It’s rented out and we live in ‘his’ house. We pay bills 50/50 and have separate finances. He has family inheritance and earns quite a bit more than me. I get by but have no savings as I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing). The rent almost covers my BTL mortgage. My house is a modest two bed terrace in not expensive area. I don’t have pots of equity in it and have no other pension provision so don’t want to sell it.

He is very stingy and mean. I recently got a 2nd job to help with some extra cash for Christmas (I had to give it up as it was burning me out working 50+ hrs a week over both jobs). He bought himself a £5k cycle during this time as his perfectly ok one ‘needed upgrading’. Fine it’s his money.

He spends a lot of money on himself. Always the best clothes and shoes. Expensive watches. I got a card at Christmas and a deckchair for my birthday.

My question is he unreasonable or am I for wishing my husband who has a lot of spare cash wouldn’t expect me to meet the bills halfway and might help me out rather than see me burn out? I don’t mean lavishly helping just maybe a reduction on my payments and he pay a bit more?

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her. He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

Obviously upping sticks and leaving is an option but at 50 odd I don’t really want to start all over again. My house is not commutable from my job. So to live there I’d need a new job.

I do appreciate my situation is not as dire as some on here and apologise if it offends anyone. Not my intention.

OP posts:
BB8988 · 04/02/2023 09:06

Seek legal advice and start planning your escape.
There are other ways to be abusive other than violence and keeping you barely managing whilst contributing to his living costs and spending lavishly on himself and making you feel unworthy of kindness is abusive behaviour.

Usernameisunavailable · 04/02/2023 09:13

If you are contributing to his mortgage you are quite rightly due a share of it, particularly since you are married. He’d presumably also be entitled to a share of your BTL property though. If it’s worth less than his house, a lawyer should be able to work out a fair settlement. Can you look for for a new job in the area you have a BTL and then move into it? A fresh start away from this miserable, tight fisted git who won’t get any better with age.

Hongkongsuey · 04/02/2023 09:14

I’m on my second marriage similar ages. My DH earns about 3 times what I earn. I work part time and do the lion’s share of housework, shopping, laundry etc. we both contribute to a joint account for bills and household expenses. He puts in an extra £500 to reflect his higher salary. Big expenses we split as I have some savings. However, for weekends away etc he tends to pay for meals etc. This works for both of us and I feel very lucky to have a DH who isn’t penny pinching and keeping all the treats for himself. In my eyes, your DH isn’t treating you very well at all. Buying himself expensive gifts while ignoring your struggles is really shitty behaviour. You deserve better from him. He should be helping you to be more financially secure-not splitting 50/50 when you’re not in a position to do so. I would be seriously considering whether I would want to stay in a marriage where my dh showed such disregard for my well-being.

SwingandaPrayer · 04/02/2023 09:16

Imagine he suddenly now says he'll put your name on the deeds of the house to make him seem less stingy, after you told. him your thoughts. Would that make the slightest bit of difference?

Hellonewgerw · 04/02/2023 09:16

What you are to him is I am sorry to say this but his business partner! If you really think about it I can see you genuinely love him but on his part I don’t think he feels an ounce of love or respect for you. It’s your choice to continue to stay with him however if you are financially independent why stay with a man or even pay for a house that really is not yours?

GoldilockMom · 04/02/2023 09:17

I agree you’d get very little in a divorce settlement - which begs the question why are you contributing to a house you won’t get any equity out of?
Id stop paying the mortgage portion because it’s not benefiting you in any way.
I would also bet you’ve never seen his bank statements? I wonder if he’s fleecing you!

Lalliella · 04/02/2023 09:18

Put money aside. Ask yourself - are you happy? Do you want to grow old with this man? Do you feel you have just “settled” for him? I think you could have a better life without him tbh. He doesn’t sound very caring or considerate of you.

BMrs · 04/02/2023 09:25

That's seems really unfair. I too have a BTL before we married and to be honest we just threw everything into the pot and share finances (although we have children so I work PT and earn significantly less).
I think it's unfair you're paying half towards a large mortgage that your name isn't on.

Can you sit down and discuss finances with him. Perhaps agree to just go all in and split or reduce your contribution so you too can be a little more comfortable?

Surely, if this marriage were to work long term in time you'll be better off when your BTL is paid off and will gain an income from this property as well. He could gain from that if he was less stingy now

WineIsMyMainVice · 04/02/2023 09:26

You said that he has become more mean over time. So this will probably continue going in the same direction. Can you really see yourself with him in 20 years from now and being happy? Surely you deserve more?!

butterfliedtwo · 04/02/2023 09:30

GirlFromUpNorth · 04/02/2023 05:00

He is taking you for a fool. You’re paying half his mortgage and he will own the entire house. He is using you.

Agree.

You're basically paying for the 'pleasure' of being stuck in a marriage with a mean and stingy person. Listen to your friend.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 04/02/2023 09:33

If you are contributing to his mortgage you should be getting equity in the house. Not 50%, but some. It's not a healthy set up. Renegotiate or leave.

BettyBoo123456 · 04/02/2023 09:35

I think you know in your heart of hearts you would be better off without him (probably financially and emotionally).

I would seek legal advice asap and start thinking about arrangements for leaving him or moving on with your life.

This seems more like an arrangement of convenience rather than a marriage and it seems extremely convenient and beneficial for your DH but its making you financially poorer and emotionally less well off and unhappy.

Put yourself first OP and your wants and needs both emotionally and financially.

KatherineJaneway · 04/02/2023 09:38

I couldn't live with a man who was tight

Appleass · 04/02/2023 09:39

He does not treat you as his equal, he clearly thinks more of himself than he does of you. I think you need to show him this thread, as it explains exactly how you feel. If he is supposed to love you then why treat you like this, he doesn't sound a nice man at all. Either he shares equally with you or you need to walk away.

Original poster
DarkYorkshire · 04/02/2023 09:43

Thanks everyone for all the contributions. It’s a fairly unanimous response, I didn’t expect that. I didn’t respond to all of the questions, not because I didn’t value them but for anonymity.

As I said in earlier posts it’s not about making my financial position easier, his money is his and I live in the house so don’t expect that to be free. If I lived elsewhere I’d have to pay. The meanness is a big issue though and one I need to give a lot of thought.

OP posts:
Schnooze · 04/02/2023 09:47

You tell him that you need to move somewhere with a cheaper mortgage or you need to pay less than 50%. Give him the choice, because continuing on as you are isn’t an option as he has plenty of disposable income and you don’t. His reaction to that will give you the info you need about staying or not.

IVbumble · 04/02/2023 09:48

Mean men also tend to get worse as they age.

LadyEloise1 · 04/02/2023 09:49

DrHousecuredme · 03/02/2023 18:50

Any marriage arrangement that leaves one partner able to spend freely on luxuries whilst the other struggles to make ends meet is not an equal partnership and needs to be avoided in my opinion.
I feel angry on your behalf actually about the expensive gifts he bought himself whilst getting you a card for Christmas.
You're in your 50's no kids and able to support yourself.
Get a good solicitor, divorce the bastard and get some of your money back...life's too short!

This.

You deserve so much better.

LadyEloise1 · 04/02/2023 09:50

RelentlessForwardProgress · 03/02/2023 18:49

I'd give him one warning shot that things have to drastically change eg you pay a proportions of mortgage as a proportion of wages rather than 50:50 and /or your name goes on the deeds. If in 30 days he hasn't done either of these things I'd be off, quite frankly. No one treats anyone else this badly by accident.

Or this.

Timeforanewname23 · 04/02/2023 09:50

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:33

I don’t think I’d get anything in a divorce settlement. I’m not financially dependent on him and he had the house before we met.

but you are paying half his mortgage!

you are right that you wouldn’t get 50/50 if you divorced but you should at least expect to get back what you put in.

how much do you pay? Is it more than a flat of your own? If he bought this house on his own, then he can obviously afford to pay full cost if it.

I’d just stop paying the mortgage. Say you can’t afford it- you tried a second job, but it burned you out.

see what happens then.

you are living beyond your means because he’s expecting you to match his lifestyle without subsidising it.

rgscienceprof · 04/02/2023 09:51

I voted yabu but I meant yabu to stay... Suspect you'd find that divorce worked much more in your favour than you think, too. Get your own solicitor, don't rely on using a mediator or something like that.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/02/2023 09:53

I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing)

Absolutely no way, if your name's not on the deeds. I'd pay fairly towards everything else and even give him "rent", but paying the mortgage - no

I'm wondering if, should you choose to tell him this, the decision about whether to carry on will be taken off you ...

Ultraninja · 04/02/2023 09:55

GoldilockMom · 04/02/2023 09:17

I agree you’d get very little in a divorce settlement - which begs the question why are you contributing to a house you won’t get any equity out of?
Id stop paying the mortgage portion because it’s not benefiting you in any way.
I would also bet you’ve never seen his bank statements? I wonder if he’s fleecing you!

Are you a lawyer?

Roussette · 04/02/2023 09:56

I know someone who was in the same position. The husband squirrelled all the money away, he had sold a company and was seriously wealthy, offshore investments etc. He didn't tell his wife this, but she poked about and found stuff. He didn't share anything with her or even buy her birthday presents, he was just tight. To the rest of the world, he was mr. geniality, first at the bar to buy a round... gotta keep appearances up!

When they did extensions on their house, his wife was the one digging the foundations because he was too tight to pay anyone. Fast forward a few years, her father died and left her money, not a huge amount, but enough to make her feel better. They are still together, god knows why, he is still tight as a duck's arse.

Rollingaroundinmud · 04/02/2023 10:04

He is not tight with himself only when it comes to buying you stuff.