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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to insist on exclusive breastfeeding

299 replies

closingtime101 · 02/02/2023 17:00

Hi all. My daughter is 6 months old and so far I have exclusively breastfed her. I have been out a handful of times in those six months, and each time I have left expressed milk in a bottle for her. She does tend to get quite upset on these occasions so it is rare for me to leave her. I like breastfeeding and I am lucky that it has been easy for me.
The issue is that my daughter is very attached to me and reliant on breastfeeding for comfort & sleep. It has led to my husband feeling frustrated that he can’t settle her and my parents have said several times that they don’t feel she knows them very well or is comfortable with them “because she is breastfed”. In addition to this, she is very wakeful and wakes every hour and a half / two hours in the night wanting to be fed, which I do swiftly, often not waking my husband up. My husband thinks if she had a bottle she wouldn’t wake so often as many of the formula fed babies we know sleep through the night.
I have been feeling a bit of pressure to stop breastfeeding from my husband and my family. Nothing overt, but lots of comments like “it’ll be easier once she’s weaned” and “we’d love to babysit, but while she’s being breastfed it’s hard”. We started giving her food last week and she is not at all interested yet, which I think my husband is sad about as he felt he could get more involved.
I feel as though everyone thinks they would have a better relationship with her if I stopped breastfeeding her. I am worried that it is me being selfish wanting to continue breastfeeding because I enjoy it; I love the time with her and the bond I feel; selfishly it is a lot easier than sterilising bottles etc, and it’s cheaper. I am also the one who is with her all day and all night and breastfeeding always settles her - it’s the greatest weapon in my arsenal! I know my husband enjoys being able to feed her and he has asked me to express a bit more so he can. I know it sounds silly but it’s been so cold at home I haven’t wanted to sit in the expressing bra! But I know one solution would be for me to express daily so he could give her a bottle and feel more connected to her. Another solution would be to move to combi-feeding, but I am reluctant to do that as she hasn’t had any formula yet and I am weirdly proud I have managed to sustain her for so long. I know that last part sounds so stupid, but I’m being honest, it’s how I feel.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I move to combi-feeding or bottle-feeding so others can feel more connected to her?

OP posts:
Deut28 · 02/02/2023 17:18

WHO recommend babies are breastfed until the age of 2 (and beyond). Breastfeeding boosts your baby's immune system and reduces your risk of breast cancer. Why wouldn't your family want that for you both?!

Keep going! You're doing a brilliant thing for your DD and sacrificing sleep/personal time in the process. No one should be describing that as selfish.

Childre · 02/02/2023 17:18

Catsonskis · 02/02/2023 17:15

I’m really surprised people are saying you should express or ff so husband can feel closer.

I’ve ebf both my daughters and daddy is their favourite person! You bond over more than just feeding. Tbh when I’m feeding I’m 99% of the time on my phone! I bond by playing, singing, cuddling, pushing pram and chatting to them….same as my husband does.

also not everyone can express, I tried really hard last time and got fuck all, it made me sore and anxious. Then baby refused it anyway.

I love the time with her and the bond I feel

but is it any different when Mum says that exact thing? I don't think Dad is saying anything alien or wild by simply wanting to feed her occasionally. It's lovely that he wants to.

Maray1967 · 02/02/2023 17:19

Burgoo · 02/02/2023 17:05

Do what you want, it's your body!
Personally I don't believe in telling women what to do re: this. I don't believe in shaming non-breast-feeding mothers but I also respect some mothers prefer to.

Yes, this is my view. I bottle fed and mine are very healthy but if I were you and found breastfeeding easy and pleasurable I wouldn’t stop to please others. Previous advice is good - let those comments wash over you , let DH focus on weaning and you keep feeding which I presume which gradually reduce in terms of number of feeds.

Original poster
closingtime101 · 02/02/2023 17:19

Thanks so much everyone for all your replies so far. I think because I’m the first member of my family to breastfeed, it’s just not what they are used to. I wasn’t breastfed, my sister didn’t breastfeed, nor did my cousins, my aunts, and so on. Actually my mother in law breastfed my husband for 2 years so she’s been very supportive of it.
Anyway thank you (and I do agree I’m being a bit precious about no formula!!!).

OP posts:
Sucessinthenewyear · 02/02/2023 17:19

I had one ff and one ebf baby. Neither fucking slept. Due to lockdown and been forced to always work from home and around all the time DH had a closer relationship with the ebf baby.

EBF is a red herring here.

ASCADHDBAME · 02/02/2023 17:19

It's a nonsense when people say breastfeeding prevents others from bonding. Ignore them.

custardbear · 02/02/2023 17:20

@Cileymyrus well I have a different opinion! Other family members do count too you know, and perhaps feeding milk is nicer for them as it's very different to feeding solids, bath fine etc - feeding milk is just so special

custardbear · 02/02/2023 17:21

... pressed too soon
... what's wrong with the dad or grandparents wanting to do this sometimes too and asking - nothing!

Reugny · 02/02/2023 17:21

I know childcare staff and childminders use a coffee spoon if they can't get a baby to take milk from a bottle.

Anyway that's beside the point there is nothing stopping your husband changing her nappies, bathing her, playing with her, reading to her, feeding her solids, singing to her, etc.

Hankunamatata · 02/02/2023 17:22

You don't have stop breastfeeding for dh to have some quality time with the baby. Leave them to it for couple hours and go out.

Aria2015 · 02/02/2023 17:26

Don't give up before you're ready, it's got to be right for you and your baby. They usually build up their interest in food, I think a lot of people think they just start gobbling food as soon as they turn 6 months! Mine would still goes days without solids at that age and exclusively breastfed.

I know people say 'what's the harm in expressing?' but I honestly found it such a chore and on top of looking after a baby and getting disturbed sleep, just didn't have the extra energy for it.

There are loads of other ways to bond with a baby other than feeding. At 6 months they're really starting to take notice and lots of fun and loving moments can be had by everyone.

LittleLegoWoman · 02/02/2023 17:27

Childre · 02/02/2023 17:18

I love the time with her and the bond I feel

but is it any different when Mum says that exact thing? I don't think Dad is saying anything alien or wild by simply wanting to feed her occasionally. It's lovely that he wants to.

Show quote history

It’s different because breastfeeding is something only mum can do. Breastfeeding feels different to bottle feeding. It’s this whole symbiotic phenomenon that links mum back to the baby she grew within her body and is continuing to grow with her milk. Formula is a fantastic invention that has saved many lives and allowed mums to choose to safely leave their babies for longer periods of time at younger ages. And while I strongly believe no woman should ever feel shamed for choosing/needing to use any proportion of formula/cows milk at any age, neither should women be pressured into using it when they don’t want to and there is no medical need. It’s never ok to tell a mother she should stop breastfeeding/reduce breastfeeding because you feel it would benefit you.

kitcat15 · 02/02/2023 17:28

A 6 month baby shouldn't be exclusively breastfed...you should be weaning now

EezyOozy · 02/02/2023 17:30

To be honest, she’s six months, so she’s going to be incorporating more food into her diet over the coming months , so I wouldn’t go changing what you are doing now. Just carry on until she’s weaned.

Quartz2208 · 02/02/2023 17:32

neither of mine took a bottle abd both did extended breastfeeding (2.5 and 3.5). DH settled both to sleep after feeding and they are very close to,my parents. I went back to work when both were a year (2 days with my eldest and then 1 day) and they were absolutely fine

do you have a carrier DH loved the ergo as he could carry DS around

Childre · 02/02/2023 17:32

LittleLegoWoman · 02/02/2023 17:27

It’s different because breastfeeding is something only mum can do. Breastfeeding feels different to bottle feeding. It’s this whole symbiotic phenomenon that links mum back to the baby she grew within her body and is continuing to grow with her milk. Formula is a fantastic invention that has saved many lives and allowed mums to choose to safely leave their babies for longer periods of time at younger ages. And while I strongly believe no woman should ever feel shamed for choosing/needing to use any proportion of formula/cows milk at any age, neither should women be pressured into using it when they don’t want to and there is no medical need. It’s never ok to tell a mother she should stop breastfeeding/reduce breastfeeding because you feel it would benefit you.

Show quote history

At no point have I said she shouldn't breastfeed. Expressing so he gets the odd opportunity is perfectly healthy.

I fully understand what breastfeeding is and why we do it thanks 🤣

Cileymyrus · 02/02/2023 17:36

Childre · 02/02/2023 17:32

At no point have I said she shouldn't breastfeed. Expressing so he gets the odd opportunity is perfectly healthy.

I fully understand what breastfeeding is and why we do it thanks 🤣

Show quote history

You are saying she should express and bottle feed instead of breastfeeding.

that is saying she shouldn’t breastfeed, she should express so someone else can bottlefeed instead of her breastfeeding.

LittleLegoWoman · 02/02/2023 17:37

Childre · 02/02/2023 17:32

At no point have I said she shouldn't breastfeed. Expressing so he gets the odd opportunity is perfectly healthy.

I fully understand what breastfeeding is and why we do it thanks 🤣

Show quote history

She already does express the occasional bottle. Her choice. That’s great. Her family are all putting pressure on her to stop or to introduce formula. That’s unacceptable in my opinion. I’m sure you know what breastfeeding is. I’m not sure you understand or appreciate how important it is to many mums who choose to do it. Not to mention how the babies feel about it.

samqueens · 02/02/2023 17:37

I think it’s really nice you’re husband wants to be more involved and that he has asked you to express so he can give bottles - as long as he also backs off if that isn’t always possible.

I don’t think this should be anybody else’s decision. If they choose to ignore the well documented health benefits to their child/granddaughter of carrying on as long as possible, that’s on them. But those benefits can be lifelong, so a year of bf seems like a fair trade off for that to me... Did your mum bf you? Perhaps she feels some guilt/self judgement seeing you doing it?

It’s one thing if you’re having a huge struggle with it, but if it’s coming easily I wouldn’t stop and definitely not because other people want you to. Are you desperate to go out and leave the baby as things stand?! Doesn’t sound like it.

You’ll be amazed how quickly things begin to rebalance in the next few months anyway as more food is introduced. And then you get to the point when cows milk can be used as well.

I bf both mine til they were 2, but with my youngest I went back to work when he was 6 months so he was with a CM. I pumped at lunchtime (got sore otherwise) and fed him during the time I was home. But he was eating three meals a day, drinking water and milk etc as well, so it was nothing at all like the very early stages.

Stick to your guns - you’re doing something amazing for your child.

autienotnaughty · 02/02/2023 17:37

Absolutely continue breastfeeding it's going well and it's fantastic for you and your baby. I did express every day, enough for one bottle so dh could feed our son but this was mainly so I could get some sleep! I bf until 1 year when he naturally weened as by that's point he loved his solids.

Ihadenough22 · 02/02/2023 17:38

Stop listening to some of the mother's here who having you breast feeding till the child is school. You breast fed for 6 months and it better now if you start working towards getting your baby off breast feeding. It will be far easier now than when the baby is older.

The reality is that your baby is getting bigger, will be eating off a spoon soon and you given them a good start with the breast feeding. If they were bottle fed they would sleep longer at night.

Your husband is getting sick of been woken several times each night. I also say that he like a bit of baby free time now and again. You could meet friends, have a break or go away for the odd day when you feel like it.

It important to realise that yes you have a baby but that as a couple you need a bit of baby free time. If you have grandparents to mind them take the opportunity to have some time off.

One of my friends breast fed her child until they were 6 months old and after that she had them on a sippy cup. She was glad to stop breastfeeding then as she could have a bit of baby free time to do things she liked and it gave a chance for her husband/grandparents to spend time with the baby.

Childre · 02/02/2023 17:39

Cileymyrus · 02/02/2023 17:36

You are saying she should express and bottle feed instead of breastfeeding.

that is saying she shouldn’t breastfeed, she should express so someone else can bottlefeed instead of her breastfeeding.

Show quote history

My comment was in relation to formula, you don't get formula from a tit

LittleLegoWoman · 02/02/2023 17:41

Ihadenough22 · 02/02/2023 17:38

Stop listening to some of the mother's here who having you breast feeding till the child is school. You breast fed for 6 months and it better now if you start working towards getting your baby off breast feeding. It will be far easier now than when the baby is older.

The reality is that your baby is getting bigger, will be eating off a spoon soon and you given them a good start with the breast feeding. If they were bottle fed they would sleep longer at night.

Your husband is getting sick of been woken several times each night. I also say that he like a bit of baby free time now and again. You could meet friends, have a break or go away for the odd day when you feel like it.

It important to realise that yes you have a baby but that as a couple you need a bit of baby free time. If you have grandparents to mind them take the opportunity to have some time off.

One of my friends breast fed her child until they were 6 months old and after that she had them on a sippy cup. She was glad to stop breastfeeding then as she could have a bit of baby free time to do things she liked and it gave a chance for her husband/grandparents to spend time with the baby.

Your opinion on when OP should stop breastfeeding is entirely worthless.
She is the one who chooses when to stop. And she shouldn’t be put under pressure to do it sooner than she’d like to. Just like she shouldn’t be pressured to feed longer than she’d like.

2bazookas · 02/02/2023 17:43

How lucky you all are that DH is so eager to be closely involved.

Its early days; and they grow so fast. she will soon get more interested in food and he can really enjoy that stage with her.

If you' re happy to express more , let him keep persisting with that.

The GP's will just have to wait.

ittakes2 · 02/02/2023 17:43

I am very sorry but your comment "she is very wakeful and wakes every hour and a half / two hours in the night wanting to be fed" does not sound like she is being sustained enough it sounds like she is a hungry baby.