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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to insist on exclusive breastfeeding

299 replies

closingtime101 · 02/02/2023 17:00

Hi all. My daughter is 6 months old and so far I have exclusively breastfed her. I have been out a handful of times in those six months, and each time I have left expressed milk in a bottle for her. She does tend to get quite upset on these occasions so it is rare for me to leave her. I like breastfeeding and I am lucky that it has been easy for me.
The issue is that my daughter is very attached to me and reliant on breastfeeding for comfort & sleep. It has led to my husband feeling frustrated that he can’t settle her and my parents have said several times that they don’t feel she knows them very well or is comfortable with them “because she is breastfed”. In addition to this, she is very wakeful and wakes every hour and a half / two hours in the night wanting to be fed, which I do swiftly, often not waking my husband up. My husband thinks if she had a bottle she wouldn’t wake so often as many of the formula fed babies we know sleep through the night.
I have been feeling a bit of pressure to stop breastfeeding from my husband and my family. Nothing overt, but lots of comments like “it’ll be easier once she’s weaned” and “we’d love to babysit, but while she’s being breastfed it’s hard”. We started giving her food last week and she is not at all interested yet, which I think my husband is sad about as he felt he could get more involved.
I feel as though everyone thinks they would have a better relationship with her if I stopped breastfeeding her. I am worried that it is me being selfish wanting to continue breastfeeding because I enjoy it; I love the time with her and the bond I feel; selfishly it is a lot easier than sterilising bottles etc, and it’s cheaper. I am also the one who is with her all day and all night and breastfeeding always settles her - it’s the greatest weapon in my arsenal! I know my husband enjoys being able to feed her and he has asked me to express a bit more so he can. I know it sounds silly but it’s been so cold at home I haven’t wanted to sit in the expressing bra! But I know one solution would be for me to express daily so he could give her a bottle and feel more connected to her. Another solution would be to move to combi-feeding, but I am reluctant to do that as she hasn’t had any formula yet and I am weirdly proud I have managed to sustain her for so long. I know that last part sounds so stupid, but I’m being honest, it’s how I feel.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I move to combi-feeding or bottle-feeding so others can feel more connected to her?

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 03/02/2023 06:55

LittleLegoWoman · 03/02/2023 06:52

@PinkSyCo
this baby is 6months old. Dad can feed them food.

No he can’t……..

We started giving her food last week and she is not at all interested yet, which I think my husband is sad about as he felt he could get more involved.

PinkSyCo · 03/02/2023 06:57

lifeinthehills · 03/02/2023 06:53

Why so hung on on feeding though? Of all the many other parenting tasks, why does it mean so much to give the baby milk? Is he jealous his wife can do something he can't? He'll have to put on his big boy pants and get over it.

One of mine was fully breastfed. Didn't stop her being a daddy's girl in her first year. All the rest had been mummy's kids, so nice for him to get one like that.

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Why don’t you ask OP the same questions?

Twizbe · 03/02/2023 06:58

@PinkSyCo as I've said there is lots Dad can do. He doesn't have to feed baby to bond with baby.

He is another person as in her is not the OP or her baby. Breastfeeding is between them and their relationship to navigate.

Turn the tables here. How would you respond if OP didn't want to breastfeed and baby's dad told her she must because it's what he wants ... is that ok?

Twizbe · 03/02/2023 06:59

They're a week into weaning - Christ give it time.

lifeinthehills · 03/02/2023 06:59

PinkSyCo · 03/02/2023 06:57

Why don’t you ask OP the same questions?

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Because breastfeeding is nature's design, it's what her body was designed to do post-birth, and is best for baby. Her husband is wanting her to substitute this to suit his needs, not what is best for the baby.

NomiMacaroni · 03/02/2023 07:01

Your daughter's needs come before anyone else's

PinkSyCo · 03/02/2023 07:03

lifeinthehills · 03/02/2023 06:54

Can the poor little baby not cope with his wife having one task she can't share with him? Diddums. He needs to grow up or start thinking more creatively or something.

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Ok OP I concede. Your DH is a whiney, jealous, immature little boy. LTB if he ever asks to feed YOUR baby again. 👍

gamerchick · 03/02/2023 07:06

PinkSyCo · 03/02/2023 06:35

Extra work? It’s not that hard to express a bit of milk ffs.

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Really? I'd love to know what you did to find it so easy?

This obsession about feeding babies is bloody weird. Stick to your guns OP, there are other ways to 'bond' 🙄with a kid other than feeding them processed cows milk from a plastic bottle

MusicWithRocksIn · 03/02/2023 07:07

If it ain't broke why try to fix it? BF is cleatly working well for you so carry on. Feeding isn't the only way to bond with a baby.

I bf 2 DC, for well over 2 years each. Never used formula. DS had expressed milk in a bottle twice a day 3 days a week when he started with a childminder. With DD i didn't return to work until just before her 1st birthday so she never had a bottle at all.

DH has always had a brilliant bond with them both, and my parents could have thrm both for a whole day from 7 or 8 months once they were fairly established on food and water.

winterpastasalad · 03/02/2023 07:18

I'm very pro BF, but do think there is something quite special and intimate about feeding a baby that you don't get from a nappy change or bathing them. One of the big pros that is cited about BF is the bond that it creates. So I can see that some dad's of ebf babies do feel as if they are missing something.

LittleLegoWoman · 03/02/2023 07:20

PinkSyCo · 03/02/2023 06:55

No he can’t……..

We started giving her food last week and she is not at all interested yet, which I think my husband is sad about as he felt he could get more involved.

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Yes he fucking can. It’s normal that she’s not that interested in solids yet but she still needs to be exposed to some everyday and the amount is going to increase gradually. So he can feed his baby solids. How much of it she actually ingests doesn’t change the fact she needs someone to prep some food, sit her in a high chair and help her try to eat it.

Kabalagala · 03/02/2023 07:32

Your boobs, your baby, your choice.

There's plenty of other ways to bond. And they get older and more independent very very quickly. I've a ebf 9 month old now who can be left for several hours with food and water, he's never successfully taken a bottle.

lifeinthehills · 03/02/2023 07:45

winterpastasalad · 03/02/2023 07:18

I'm very pro BF, but do think there is something quite special and intimate about feeding a baby that you don't get from a nappy change or bathing them. One of the big pros that is cited about BF is the bond that it creates. So I can see that some dad's of ebf babies do feel as if they are missing something.

I get that but they also miss out on the crappy parts - like all the months of morning sickness and puking and giving birth and recovery and leaking and anything else that goes with carrying that baby. That's just the way biology works though, the female carries the baby - same as nursing, that's biology too.

Personally I'm sick of men telling us what to do with our bodies to suit their wants. If someone told me they didn't want me to breastfed I'd probably do it for a year longer just to show them who is boss of my body.

phoenixrosehere · 03/02/2023 07:48

winterpastasalad · 03/02/2023 07:18

I'm very pro BF, but do think there is something quite special and intimate about feeding a baby that you don't get from a nappy change or bathing them. One of the big pros that is cited about BF is the bond that it creates. So I can see that some dad's of ebf babies do feel as if they are missing something.

And what about playing and tummy time? Taking baby out for a walk with talking and pointing at things, giving them soft, safe objects to explore? Reading to them? Tickling their feet?

All these are bonding experiences and take longer than one feed and anyone can do.

I nursed both my sons until 2.5 and the only person who moaned was my mother (has a great bond with them) and the rest of the family used the ways I described above. I have videos on my phone of them engaging with different family members and all smiles by simply playing, doing silly things like making faces, singing songs and doing actions with them. One of my favourite videos is of DH simply plopping on the edge of the bed and our youngest thinking it is the most hilarious thing in the world, high pitch giggling and squealing laughter and DH fighting not to laugh.

MatronicO6 · 03/02/2023 08:03

BabyOnBoard90 · 03/02/2023 00:04

It's midnight so i cba to explain what feels like common sense

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I breastfed and expressed a bottle each day for DH to give. Expressing did make my life easier at all, it took a lot of time, lots of sterilising and cleaning and a lot of attention to correct storage quantities/times. It was not an easier option at all and I would never have fully expressed for these reasons.

It doesn't make life easier for the mum and it certainly doesn't make life easier for anyone else as there are no feeding demands on them in the first place. I was happy to do it for DH to give a bottle. But if anyone else had have thought they were remotely relevant in the conversation I would have told them where to go.

MatronicO6 · 03/02/2023 08:04

MatronicO6 · 03/02/2023 08:03

I breastfed and expressed a bottle each day for DH to give. Expressing did make my life easier at all, it took a lot of time, lots of sterilising and cleaning and a lot of attention to correct storage quantities/times. It was not an easier option at all and I would never have fully expressed for these reasons.

It doesn't make life easier for the mum and it certainly doesn't make life easier for anyone else as there are no feeding demands on them in the first place. I was happy to do it for DH to give a bottle. But if anyone else had have thought they were remotely relevant in the conversation I would have told them where to go.

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Should obviously read "expressing did NOT make my life easier at all"

DappledThings · 03/02/2023 08:17

MatronicO6 · 03/02/2023 08:04

Should obviously read "expressing did NOT make my life easier at all"

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Expressing absolutely didn't make my life easier at all either. It's just another chore when there are plenty of chores around.

It made no difference to sleep and I had no desire to be apart from DC while they were still fed on demand. At least no desire that was anywhere near as big as my desire to not faff around with bottles.

Namechangetobeanon · 03/02/2023 08:24

As someone who fed my daughter for just under 4 years, she’s now an independent sassy and unique girl with a great bond with my family. She has no issues staying out and from around 2 she would happily do overnights with family.
She never took a bottle and yes was more clingy to me for comfort but did develop bonds with people who knew that bonding with children comes from more than how she was fed.

Breastfeed for as long as you wish!

Chimna · 03/02/2023 08:25

lifeinthehills · 03/02/2023 06:54

Can the poor little baby not cope with his wife having one task she can't share with him? Diddums. He needs to grow up or start thinking more creatively or something.

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Maybe if you have another you're DH can give birth to it too OP. Come on, gotta be fair.

phoenixrosehere · 03/02/2023 08:44

PinkSyCo · 03/02/2023 06:49

OP doesn’t have a problem expressing thought, otherwise she would have mentioned it. And maybe her DH does change nappies and do bathtimes. That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be nice for him to feed his baby sometimes too.

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Just because OP doesn’t have a problem expressing, doesn’t mean she should have to or it isn’t time-consuming and a faff to do on top of the effects of expressing.

Either you never bf and expressed or it was so easy and quick for you that you choose not to believe it could be different for others.

To express enough milk took me 1.5 hours, it took my sons 5-8 minutes to nurse from me. I would still have to express when I got home which would be another 1.5 hours. It was a bit quicker when I got a double breast pump but it only shaved off 15 minutes.

As said several times, there are many ways that her DH could bond with their baby without adding extra work to OP.

Tandora · 03/02/2023 08:48

PinkSyCo · 03/02/2023 06:35

Extra work? It’s not that hard to express a bit of milk ffs.

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WTH is wrong with you and other people telling OP she should express rather than feed her baby, and just to make her husband happy?! She’s not a bloody cow that has to milk herself to please her husband. The milk is for the baby. If she is happy breastfeeding and baby is happy breastfeeding it’s literally nobody else’s business. The baby is not a f’ing doll for husband to play daddy with.

knittingaddict · 03/02/2023 08:53

custardbear · 02/02/2023 17:09

Whilst I agree bf is beneficial, I think it's time to let others bond too. You could express more, and you could let others be more involved, and personally I'd say it's a bit selfish to make excuses. Express and have sone 'you time' so others can have sone baby time too

You do not need to feed a baby a bottle for that baby to bond with you. Ridiculous theory which comes up again and again on here.

One of my grandchildren was bottlefed and the other exclusively breastfed. My bond with them is as any grandparents and differs not a jot.

Both of mine were breastfed and were bottle refusers. My husband was amazing at settling them and had no problems bonding with them.

Maybe the difference is that we are all adults who want what is best for the baby and for the mother, not idiots demanding our rights.

RinklyRomaine · 03/02/2023 08:54

Honestly some of these responses are hilarious! What is it with the desperate desire to quell the lovely bits of mothering?

There is an incredible, hormonal bond for most women who breastfeed. Dad is not going to get that from a bottle. He's just not. A mum who Ffs has her own incredible bond, which is also hormonal, with the baby she grew and carried for 9m. It's just the way it is. If OP enjoys it, doesn't want the faff of bottles and it IS an extremely useful parenting tool, why on earth should she change that for other family members who are never going to take real responsibility or a husband who can be involved in a million other meaningful ways?

All I can say is all 3 of mine never had bottles. My boys have such attachment to their dad, who is a hands on, loving and intelligent parent who spent hours supporting me in the birthing and feeding of his children. His family and mine are super close to my children without needing to bottle feed them. Because they are kind, thoughtful GPS with love for our whole family. And a very free with cuddles and cake.

Also, OP, be wary of the sleep claims. It CAN help to use formula but it's absolutely not a certainty. BM has sleepy hormones but is easier to digest which obvs means more regular feeding is required. That is NOT a negative - it's safer for babies not to sleep too deeply in their first year, tiring as it is.

knittingaddict · 03/02/2023 08:56

To add, I exclusively breastfed two babies for 6 months and expressing was a nightmare and ultimately impossible. Not to mention both refused the bottle. No way would expressing have made my life easier.

WhatNoRaisins · 03/02/2023 09:16

This is such a short stage when babies want to breastfeed for comfort. In a few years when your DC is older, eating and playing more they'll realise how silly they were.