To ask mums of 3 this?

[Tiddlywinx]

how is the Jump from2/3? Did it make you want to have 4? How’ve you coped financially? Any regrets?

2 kids here (3.5 and 1) 35 late next year. My heart yearns for another baby, I know it’s a MN taboo but I just feel that way. I have one sibling and always desperately wanted more. Big families on both sides and always was envious of that bond.

let’s get to the nitty gritty… we have an average mortgage on a 4 bed house, like many I suppose the average mortgage will increase, would want a 3 year gap, eldest would be in school and 3 year old would be on funded hrs, which covers 8:45-3;30 (£5 for lunch), so I guess would start trying when I was 34.5, after tax and deductions (protection, pension, HI, IP, CIC etc) we get around 5.3k per month. We both have 9/10 to ease childcare costs and family to help also. We wfh so would have some logistical challenges re office space, either extending for an office/ summer house cum office or kids sharing… does that feel doable? We live in a new build, so whilst bills have gone up, it seems to tap out based on usage (not minimal either) at around £220 in the coldest months (smart meter shows direct usage)

if you’ve got 3 does that feel doable on what I’ve said? Lot of nay saying around 3 I’ve found, with ‘middle child syndrome’ ‘if you have 3 you need to have 4 etc’ ‘new car’. We share a car now so would need a new car anyway, probably would lease one. Happy to receive suggestion as to what car can fit 3 seats on the back? Ideally would keep eldest rf until 6. I like the look of the Tucson

so if I did have 3 with that age gap eldest would be 5.5, middle 3 and then new born… anyone else have a similar gap? How have you found it? How was the Jump from 2/3? Our jobs are very stable and hubby is getting quite a bit of attention to move up, but based on this staying exactly as it, does that seem viable?

Well I have 4 and not 3, but same idea! I would say think carefully about it. I had two, and they were such easy babies and kids. Then my third was autistic. It’s easy to think ‘how would I cope with another child like my other two’ but I think you need to think ‘how would I cope with any other child.’ Then my last was a surprise when I thought I couldn’t have more children. But we’ve coped financially fine. It’s obviously more of a squeeze. We can’t go abroad every year or anything, but we have a lot of days out and never go without the necessities. And once they’re all in school there is a big burden lifted as you can both work without extreme childcare costs crippling you!

I think if you both want to and you’ve thought all that through then go for it. You know what you can cope with.

🤦‍♀️

As far as I’m aware my two are NT, although sometimes I do wonder a bit about my eldest, but even if she does have some ND it would be very mild as it’s not been flagged my her school, she’s just very into what clothes she wants to wear and things matching and occasionally stims but all could be typical and personality traits. Had a rough go of it baby wise with #1 due to tongue tie and FTT. #2 had a milk allergy but was v calm as a baby , nuts as a toddler mind you though lol…
i almost cant put it into words it’s just this pull inside for a third

?

I think like most mums of 3, I adore my 3rd DC and wouldn’t change it for the world, HOWEVER- I wouldn’t recommend having 3 in all honesty. It’s a massive strain when it comes to the teen years.

Hi! I have 3 and I’m currently pregnant with my 4th. I found the transition from 2-3 much easier than 1-2 personally. My children all have their own rooms but most nights the boys get in together (they’re 18 months apart) so one room rarely gets used but it is there if he wants it. The baby will also have their own room.

I had similar gaps from oldest to youngest; DD was just 6 and DS1 was 18 months when DS2 was born. I have a Q7 but DH has a pick up and the 3 of them used to fit fine in the the back of that with 2 younger seats and a high backed booster (DD now doesn’t need a seat and DS1 in a HBB.
I would say you’d definitely need a seperate space to wfh so look into where you could fit that. Do you have a garage you could convert?
Financially, everyone will have a different income from yours so I wouldn’t like advise you whether it’ll be enough. Also that’s personal to you and your lifestyle and what you want from life so the best thing to do would be to sit down and do a spreadsheet of incomings and fixed & variable outgoings and see what spare you have there.
DH is the middle of 3 and has never felt any middle child syndrome whatever it’s meant to be. All 3 brothers very close. I’m one of 4 but a bit of a gap between numbers 3 and 4 so I was the middle of 3 for a while and never had any negative feelings about it. If you’re a good parent to all your children, you won’t have a child feeling overlooked.

Would you say it’s different hobbies and divergent interests or is there something else? :)

So I have 3, can’t answer all your questions but here’s what I think. With 3 you are signing up for a busier family life, you’re moving away from the idea of kids getting older and you “getting your life back” for a few more years and into teen / adult years you’ll have more kids to find time for. But the kids will also have support for each other.

I think go for it if you can afford it and if you actively want that busy family life feeling. Never heard anyone say if you have 3 you have to have 4 and I know lots of families of 3, kids and some that are adults now and there’s no reason you can’t have a very happy family of 3.

I didn't really have the same jump from 2-3 because DS1 was much older.

But we have a normal car - we do want a bigger one, but it's doable if you're willing to spend some time tetrising different car seats. Sounds like you're into ERF so look at the ERF facebook groups, they are usually helpful. The Tucson doesn't usually come up on the lists - the middle seat isn't really large enough. Ford S-Max, Skoda Superb, VW Touran, Citroen Spacetourer come up a lot.

I don't want 4. I feel done. I love having 3!

We live in a 3 bed, it feels big enough. Nice big living room helps a lot. The younger 2 share, we live abroad and rooms are often larger.

I do think a lot of the costs are minimised - we basically already have all the toys/clothes DS3 could ever need! I do still get him new stuff because I don't want him to feel like Ron Weasley XD but it's more on a "oh I like that and it's cute!" basis rather than needing to get whatever is the cheapest thing.

3 here, just felt right as both DH and I have 2 siblings each.

My advice would be don't overthink it. You clearly have thought through the main practicalities. Everything else, you will make work.

There will be times when you and your DH are pulled 3 ways. The teenage years (and university) will be as expensive as the baby years, so expect to be permanently broke!

If you want 3 enough you will make it work.

#threeisthemagicnumber

My third is only a baby so I can’t say how much it will affect us financially in the future but so far the only extra costs have been a bigger car. We got a ford s max which fits all 3 car seats in the back.

We also have a 4 bed house so the children will all have their own room which was important to me as I shared a tiny room with my brother until I was 14 and I hated it growing up. DH wfh most of the week and uses our bedroom with a folding desk and he is happy with this arrangement.

I am fortunate that I can be a stay at home mum for the time being and don’t need to work (although would like to do something part time when they are all in school) so I don’t have any childcare fees. Eldest is at school. Middle one is now at preschool 4 afternoons a week so I get enough one on one time with the baby.

I do find life very stressful with the 3 of them I must say. 3 feels like an awful lot more than 2. Baby is quite highly strung so this doesn’t help. I feel like I neglect the older 2 quite a lot as she needs so much attention. We love her and wouldn’t change her for the world but life would be a hell of a lot easier if I’d stuck to 2. Mine are 5, 4 and 9 months so I’m in the thick of it at the moment I suppose. We also have no family anywhere nearby and Dh works abroad a lot which doesn’t help matters. Hopefully it will get easier to manage as they get older.

So we have space for either a conservatory that could be used as an office, or a friend of hubbys did a summer house as an office and that’s quite nice. Our house is 2 good sized doubles and 2 ok singles. So obviously dh and I have the master, currently the 2 kids are in the singles and the spare double is a spare/ office. But we could either have 2 sharing in the other double and one in the larger single and then the other single as the office. We weren’t sure if this is our forever home so were always planning to upsize eventually, so it’s if we’d actually do that or not and then if there’s much point extending/ building a conservatory when 2 could share when they are young, depends i guess , but we’d have options.

we definitely wouldn’t want anything to really give but we tend to do hols abroad on a villa basis and self drive, so not a lot would change from that pov

I have 3, but a bit closer together (3 in 4.5 yrs). That was the hardest bit to be honest and sensibly a bigger gap might have worked better. Early yrs issues - cars, holidays, restaurants, 'family' offers/tickets are all for 4 not 5. If on your own, you have more children than hands. School runs were utter chaos for a while as they can easily need to be in 3 places at once depending on age/school yrs. Journeys in cars, always ended in tears by the last 10 mins due to the 3rd!
Pros, it's fab if they get on as they really are like a little tribe. Mine did and still do (22, 20, 18). They stick up for each other, and although you may have 2 going through the delights of teendom at the same time, the 3rd won't be and they remind you of why you had them in the first place. Harder, flipping expensive (esp when all 3 at Uni at the same time - kill me - COVID delayed the first one!) but so worth it.

I love having three. I would happily have four though!

Haha, I call mine the Weasleys!
Treating them all fairly can be a challenge.

And regarding cars, the S-Max has done us well from 3 car seats, to ferrying DC and their friends, family holidays and now university runs with bikes and house contents. A proper workhorse but also (get a big engine) fun to drive.

@KnackeredBack - also 3 at uni, I share your pain! Never been so cash-poor.

Having three is wonderful. My youngest is eight and my older two are in their teens, so a much bigger gap than you are proposing and that may have made some of the logistics easier - although we never had family help to hand.

I think it is absolutely do-able but MN is over represented by pessimists who will tell you otherwise.

I wanted three very much! We did describe it as the move from man to man marking to crowd control, but we wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Three feels like a family - lovely, busy, lively. It doubles the number of sibling relationships each of my children has which I think is great and helps sustain the family as they grow and relationships change.

We never wanted four. Three is perfection.

One and two kids is a family too you know... (one of three, have two).

Did anyone say otherwise?

Going from 1-2 was a breeze, 2-3 was 😮🤯

Loads of daft things like average hotel breaks (2 adults 2 children per room), swimming- 1 adult per child under 8, who’s left in a seat with a stranger on a rollercoaster?! 2 kids to family/babysitters is pretty standard- 3, it’s sometimes just too much to help and care for singlehanded. If it’s just you and partner having more DC than adults is tough.

We now go camping every year instead of abroad which is fine but hard bloody work! We have a big old daft car now (SMax) which is a pain in the arse to park and fuel.

All in all - wouldn’t change it, but it’s definitely harder than having 2 and only recommended if you have a village to help, money and patience (lots of it!!!!) ☺️

It's a personal choice. I had twins in my second pregnancy, so the choice was taken away from me. My firstborn has adhd/asd, I suspect T2 has some ND and T1 has mild CP. I might have a different perspective if they were all NT and physically able, but I often wonder what 2 children would've been like. But, I also think perhaps if I'd had a singleton in my second pregnancy would we have tried for another anyway? It's certainly more of a challenge with holidays, cars, time spent going to different clubs etc.

It really depends on so many factors. The house will be so busy and loud, which while it's lovely, it's exhausting. Someone ALWAYS needs something. I'd say going from 1-2 children is quite simple. It's more of the same and doesn't feel like doubling your work. But going from 2-3 is like doubling the load. Keeping track of three children is difficult in a way keeping track of two is not.

It depends what level of difficulty you want to live life on. 3 is far more work and for not much more reward than 2. For us it was worth it, we wanted 3 and like the chaos it brings. But if you need a lot of peace, calm and control it might be too much. You also have to remember it's easy to find common ground on preferences between two children but three is another thing. So someone is always unhappy with choices like dinner, day trips etc.

So basically it's much harder than two, but when you see all three of them playing together it's just indescribably beautiful. It's been great for the children to have so much company around and having familial relationships between more people has helped them become more empathetic. I'd do it again, even knowing what it's like.

3 here within 5 years. All teenagers now, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Yes it was implied - see post above mine.