To ask mums of 3 this?

[Tiddlywinx]

how is the Jump from2/3? Did it make you want to have 4? How’ve you coped financially? Any regrets?

2 kids here (3.5 and 1) 35 late next year. My heart yearns for another baby, I know it’s a MN taboo but I just feel that way. I have one sibling and always desperately wanted more. Big families on both sides and always was envious of that bond.

let’s get to the nitty gritty… we have an average mortgage on a 4 bed house, like many I suppose the average mortgage will increase, would want a 3 year gap, eldest would be in school and 3 year old would be on funded hrs, which covers 8:45-3;30 (£5 for lunch), so I guess would start trying when I was 34.5, after tax and deductions (protection, pension, HI, IP, CIC etc) we get around 5.3k per month. We both have 9/10 to ease childcare costs and family to help also. We wfh so would have some logistical challenges re office space, either extending for an office/ summer house cum office or kids sharing… does that feel doable? We live in a new build, so whilst bills have gone up, it seems to tap out based on usage (not minimal either) at around £220 in the coldest months (smart meter shows direct usage)

if you’ve got 3 does that feel doable on what I’ve said? Lot of nay saying around 3 I’ve found, with ‘middle child syndrome’ ‘if you have 3 you need to have 4 etc’ ‘new car’. We share a car now so would need a new car anyway, probably would lease one. Happy to receive suggestion as to what car can fit 3 seats on the back? Ideally would keep eldest rf until 6. I like the look of the Tucson

so if I did have 3 with that age gap eldest would be 5.5, middle 3 and then new born… anyone else have a similar gap? How have you found it? How was the Jump from 2/3? Our jobs are very stable and hubby is getting quite a bit of attention to move up, but based on this staying exactly as it, does that seem viable?

I have 3 and would 100% agree with this!! Had 3 under 4 years old and it was hard but so fun, genuinely. All 3 very very different. The teenage years have been very difficult and continue to be so!! But I would say go for it. I love having 3 and where I live you get special discounts and tax benefits for having 3 or more kids !

My 3 are 14, 11 and 7, elder two are 2 school years apart, middle and youngest 5 school years. At the baby stage it was much easier, I knew what I was doing, and had time in the day when the others were at school, plus they could be relatively helpful. In lots of ways it has got harder as they have got older. Youngest gets dragged around a lot as all 3 go to different schools and older ones do a lot of sport. It’s hard finding things to do in holidays and weekends that appeal to them all.
Practically as others have said, holidays, hotels and seating at things can be harder. Cars are a pain too, it amazes me how few bigger cars have a full size middle seat!

I do love them though, and for the long term like having a bigger family. I definitely felt done after 3 though in a way I didn’t after 2

DS1 is 14 so doesn't need a car seat but is also expanding in the hip/shoulder area, so won't be comfy for much longer. The lease is up in August so we'll need to change the car at that point anyway. We have DS2 in a high backed booster, but a bulky one that was a 123 type seat and DS3 is in a Joie Spin. The problem with these SUV type cars is that although three adults could probably sit in nicely, the centring of the outer seats is positioned away from the doors to improve both comfort and side impact safety I think, so the isofix points are also quite far from the doors. The middle seat is only really meant for occasional use.

I haven't tried it, though I probably could as I do have a friend with a couple of spare ERF seats, but I reckon you could probably get 2x ERF seats and a slimline high backed booster in OK, or something like a Joie Tilt in the middle for the youngest. The centre is flat with no floor hump which is useful for DS1, but you're not actually meant to put a support leg on it. We did once because it was a way to fit in infant carrier (belted base in centre) and forward facing harnessed seat together and then I ended up sitting in the back because DS3 protested. But not really a solution. You can do support leg in the 5008, it even has 3 isofix points. It has isofix and top tether in the front, which is unusual and I thought quite impressive. If we do another long journey before August we will probably have to put one of the car seats in the front.

We are in Germany so prices are totally different and we took this lease 3 years ago so before car prices exploded.

I have four, so I’m obviously not anti-three! I think the only thing I’d add is to really map out what you want life and parenting to look like (and what’s important to you), and what kind of life you want to provide for them. Then decide if you can still do that for three of them m. If so, then I wouldn’t let age deter you!

For example, do you want your children to be able to have their choice in extracurriculars etc as they grow, and to be able to pursue these to a high level if they are interested? If they did take them seriously, would you be able to afford it? For context, I have 2 children following an elite sport pathway, my third does an expensive activity, and my fourth is too young for activities. We are already at about £7k per year on activities. Even without the elite pathway, three children in 2 activities each won’t be cheap. With 3 kids we also can’t all be in the same place at the same time. We often have to pay a child carer to take one of them.

is it important for you to be able to afford tutoring if they struggle at school? If they do, will you have the time and resources to run them around etc. I have found it’s more than just running them around to tutoring, with most kids there are also a range of different health needs as they age, and appointments etc. Every child obviously adds more.

Have you been realistic in your assessment of how flexible work is (and will be in the future) to manage the demands of 3 primary aged children, which are so much more than when they are at childcare.

I guess this is a long way around saying have a realistic think about whether you have the time, resources, and emotional capacity to cope with the increased stress. There is increased love and happiness, but I would want to be starting from a very stable footing relationship and mental health wise for both parents, with extra time and finances. If another 10-15k per year of costs would stretch your budget, I wouldn’t do it. I have found children get so much more expensive into primary and teen years, despite the lack of childcare costs. If you can easily afford the increase and a good life with 3, I’d listen to my heart :)

I found 2-3 a shock to the system personally but I still love it (mostly) and don’t regret it. but I have a hard demanding job so I am constantly exhausted.
in terms of house capacity I think that’s fine and do able I wouldn’t worry about that if you feel you have enough room.
I always think, when your children are all adults you’ll never look around the table at dinner and think ‘I regret having any of my children. ‘

I had 3 under 4 at one point but I found the third was a breeze compared with 1-2

I have 4. I found going from 2-3 extremely difficult. It broke me tbh. I found 2 easy - neat, organised, everyone into the same things. 3 was hell. BUT we got through it. And it was lovely. Then I had 4! Which was easy, as I was used to by this time life being chaotic and dc were used to not getting all the attention all the time.
You should of course go for it if you and Dh both up for it. 3 isn’t a big family, it’s pretty standard and lots have 3. Don’t overthink.

Quick point about cars - one of the reasons I like the S-Max is that it's a seven-seater by stealth. When cheeky f'ers were eyeing up other parents cars to see who they could ask for lifts, I could swerve it as mine always had the rear seats folded away.

But when I wanted to give lifts, I could. Win win.

Re the finance - in a way it relieved us of self imposed burdens - expensive travel, private education, house deposits, private education etc. With three we simply could not achieve an ideal world.

We still do well by them, and make choices around the number 3 - foreign travel or private school etc.

They still have a life of enormous privilege and can have fun discovering all that by themselves when older

I have 3. Smaller gap than you would have, DTs were 2.4 when baby was born. I love having 3, and if we had a bigger house/ better family support I would have one more!

Having said all of that, it’s full on as you can imagine. I’ve been watching tv since 4.30 as baby wouldn’t sleep. DTs are in childcare mon-wed but I have all 3 on a thurs/ fri. I tried booking our first holiday last night and finding suitable places for a 5 are much harder than for a 4.

Oooh first world problems! This site used to be entertaining!

@Tiddlywinx we're looking at the Skoda Kodiaq - 7 seater. Much cheaper than the Volvo but looks snazzy too x

As PPs have mentioned, the world does seem to operate better for 2+2. We found with 2+3 that when we went somewhere we felt like an invasion force - we took up so much space!

Holidays were always self-drive to self-catering. Package holidays were never an option for us.

Car-wise, the best car we had was a Toyota Previa. Sadly no longer made. It was massive with proper removable seats all round. For holidays we would configure it so that DCs all had space around them.

Having 3 DCs and not a lot of money DH did a lot of DIY. Again the Previa was brilliant. I don't think B&Q sold anything which couldn't be fitted in the car.

Having 3 DCs made us self-reliant and also very appreciative of the peace and calm when one was away on a sleep over.

Now we are just 1 adult DC at home. Even now there are only 2 half days per week where I have the house to myself.

Oh that does look slick doesn’t it! Pretty decent price wise too, great suggestion! Thank you!

I have DS5 and DD1.5 and am due any day with another DD. 1 to 2 was totally fine - actually found having 2 easier than 1 in lots of ways - so we'll see how it is going from 2 to 3

I have 3, third was a complete surprise, a total, complete and utter shock actually 😀they were 5, 3, and newborn, now 7, 4 and 1.

For me the move from 2-3 was absolutely fine parenting-wise. My older 2 dote on the littlest and it's been amazing for them. The baby is just the most lovely little treasure, she is so loved and adored.

Life is not generally set up for more than 2 children, all the things mentioned, cars and holidays etc. Things start to become expensive when you're talking about another plane ticket, another set of ballet lessons etc. It's manageable though.

I was pretty gutted when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd as I had hoped to 'get my life back' after the first two. Its been ok though. I am now getting rid of newborn/baby stuff she's outgrown and it feels great rather than sad - I know I am 'done' now.

DH and I are both middle children, he's middle of 3 and I'm middle of 5. We're both ok I think 😀and it's nice now we're adults and close to our siblings and all their kids.

Good luck whatever happens.

I have 4.
10,8,6,4 . I found the change from 1 to 2 hardest to be honest, as up until that point it had just been me and my son. He struggled to adapt. As did I. But it was only for a few weeks when I got my routine nailed down. Baby number 2 was and is very emotional though, very anxious and cries at the drop of a hat - which has always been a challenge.

Going from 2 to 3 was easy, the third just slotted in. Didn't cost any extra financially (I bf for a year though and he wore hand me downs most of the time) and I had space in the car and house. I bought a sling and just just carried him wherever we needed to be. He was a dream for the first year and then he became a terror (and still is) very boisterous, heavy handed, upsets his siblings all of the time.
My 4th was not planned. Everything had to change then, bigger house and car.
Whilst I don't regret any of them and couldn't be without them now. I often look back on the days when it was just me and my two eldest as the happiest of days. There was nothing we couldn't do together. We went all over on trains and had days out, I never felt too outnumbered. I should have probably stuck to two but I love them all regardless and we muddle through. They are happy, fed, warm, safe and loved. Same as I'm sure yours are. Ultimately its up to you.

Just want to add, a bigger car, massive house and endless opportunity, does not a happy family make.
My DH and I are both 1 of 3 and our lives couldn't have been more different.
What you can handle emotionally is far more important than what you can provide financially.

I had the same roughly. DS(3.5) and DS(2) and was desperate for a third baby, DH wasn't sure if we could afford it/cope with it as we have no family support but we agreed at the end of 2021 we would start trying in the new year and if I wasn't pregnant within a year we would stay at 2.

I now have 4 kids under 5 as I fell pregnant the first month with boy/girl twins. Complete shock. They are 5 months old now and life is a complete whirlwind, all I'm saying is it can happen so be prepared that it might.

It's chaos but I absolutely love it.

We have 3 similar age gap - new born, 3 & 5.5. Into teen yrs now & all very close, DS both loved having a sister from the start. I found it easier going 2-3 than 1-2. started nursery & school 2 days after I had CS which was fun but meant we got quickly into a routine. I'm from a big family but once I had DD knew that was me finished. Kids can def share rooms when smaller & lots share as teens with no issues.
Car wise - bigger car is essential as not all fit 3 car seats in 2nd row, we've had a Picasso, VW to grab & Ford Smax- boot space in this is best with buggies & for holidays.
I wouldn't change a thing, if you & DH/DP want a 3rd then go for it!

We have 3 kids, just under 2 years between the first 2 (boys) and then just over 3 years between 2nd and 3rd (girl). They are now 11, 9 and 6. Going from 2 to 3 is tough. As they get older as well it's harder to give the all the attention they need in terms of help with homework, clubs, play dates and also their emotional needs with school issues etc. I feel like someone is always being neglected 🙈 usually my oldest.

I would never say I regret having a third and I always wanted 3 so don't know how I would feel if I hadn't had another, however I can also see how much easier it would be with just 2. My sister also wanted 3 but stuck at 2 and I can see how she has a much easier time of it.

It also majorly limiting for holidays and trips as it often increases the price massively!

We had grand Picasso when they were all in car seats and it was amazing. It's hard to find a car with 3 individual seats in the back.

It depends what level of difficulty you want to live life on. 3 is far more work and for not much more reward than 2

3 is far more work, that's true, but the 'reward' is immeasurable. For me, having three is perfect - hard, hard work, and so very expensive, especially the teen years, but perfect for our family. I really can't imagine my life without having had my third child.

I found the jump from 2 to 3 to be massive - I had 3 kids in 4 years, I was 36 when I had my last, and it seemed to be a bigger jump than even having my first was. I guess I had mentally prepared myself for the first, but I'd naively assumed that having a third wasn't much more work than two - boy, was I wrong!

They were (and are still) all good, fairly well behaved kids, who have never given us much cause for concern. But it was vey difficult in those early years, having two pre-schoolers while also having a baby. I needed eyes in the back of my head in a way I never needed with two. And you never get a minute of peace, not ever! The bickering with three of them is easily three times the bickering of two. There's three relationships there instead of one. If you've settled two of them, the third still needs attention. I look back now and I wonder where I got the energy to manage everything that needed doing without going crazy! Sometimes I would look at my sister, who had two children of a similar age, and think how very easy it looked.

As they grew it got easier, but ferrying three kids to different clubs is a full time job on it's own. Plus giving individual attention is harder. But not impossible.

I was lucky that I worked from home around the kids, and have a husband who didn't work long hours, so we didn't need paid childcare. So the early years weren't all that expensive. Which was lucky as we didn't have much money anyway! The biggest expenses were the larger car (definitely recommend a 7 seater, mostly for the large boot, and ability to take extra people, friend, nan etc) and holidays. If staying in hotels, holidays cost usually double the cost of a family of four. So we mainly camped, or did self catering where we could all squeeze in to a two bed apartment.

But the teen years were something else! Phones, clothes, pocket money, school trips, holidays, eating out (effectively with 5 adults), driving lessons, clubs etc all quickly add up. And then there's uni costs!

However, you just cut your cloth. My DC learnt that they couldn't have everything on a plate. Things like phones and expensive school trips and driving lessons were either Christmas/birthday presents, or they helped to contribute to these things themselves. First cars they had to buy themselves, with a small contribution from us. They all got part-time jobs from 15/16, to help afford these things.

I'm very proud of how they've grown up. They are thoughtful, kind, un-spoilt individuals, who work hard for what they want.

Three is harder, and more expensive. But it's worth every effort and every penny. It's amazing, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

3 is far more work and for not much more reward than 2

Would also disagree with this! Much of the work is not particularly increased just by having 1 more. Probably it depends on what you find "work" with kids - cooking, cleaning, laundry seems about the same. Active parenting in terms of discipline, cajoling them to do stuff, balances out - there is of course more stuff to be taught and cajoled, but some of the work is reduced because they encourage each other and learn stuff from each other. And you get more experienced because you've done it before. OTOH they do wind each other up to cause trouble sometimes but overall, it's fine.

Entertaining them is much easier IME - they play together and although you have to referee some fights I don't actually mind this at all. I found it often quite tough to entertain my only.

The reward is huge. I'm very fascinated by the differences between them. Them all being in different stages is another kind of variety. There is never a dull moment, somebody always has something to work on. Somebody is always being extra cute or funny. Somebody is always a puzzle to work out.

I found I was quite an intense parent with one. Trying to optimise everything and be perfect and worrying that whatever I did had this major impact. I am more laid back with three because you can't be on top of everything and you find that is OK because it doesn't matter. And also because you can see they are all different in spite of the same genes/parents and therefore you don't have that much influence anyway, so the stakes seem much less high.

Multiple children is always what I wanted and it suits me.

I think my 2 cents would be that it depends what you want to be able to give your children financially. My friends who have over two kids all have decent jobs and careers but they admit that they won't be able to afford to put them all through uni or even have much money to give them for a deposit or a wedding. My friend admitted to me that they may just about have enough money to give each child a car and that's it. The children have to share devices. It depends whether it's a big deal to you or not. I definitely want to be able to give my girls money for university and anything else they need.

Can I ask what you mean here? Emotionally, financially, or anything else?