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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Promise ring - AIBU

168 replies

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 12:42

Hello all

I created this account to ask this question, I think I know I am being unreasonable but wanted some opinions.

So I am currently about to finalise my divorce and have been with my current BF for around 8 months. For info, my divorce has been slow and very long.

Me and my BF (I sound like a teenager!) instantly hit it off when we met. He is lovely, sweet, and caring. In all honesty, I dont have any reason to doubt his feelings or actions but I do.

He is different to anyone I have ever met, and I know I want him to be in my life for a very long time. He has told me the same. We also told each other we loved each other after 2 months of dating.

We were both chatting one day and he said he can't wait to propose to me and has picked out a ring already. He said it would feel wrong to propose right now while I am legally still "married". I agreed and we both agreed that we have all the time off in the world.

For Christmas, my BF presented me with a promise ring. A ring which, in his words, is a placeholder for an engagement ring. He got down on one knee and said a lovely speech all about wanting to be with me for life and when the time is right an engagement ring will follow. I googled the ring (I know!) and he has spent £550 on it, so he is serious.

The ring is far too small so will have to be resized. It should be back within the next few days. He said I can wear it on whatever finger I like but it is usual to wear this on my wedding finger. He asked if I told anyone about the ring which I said I did. I asked if he had, he said no. But he will.

I guess, my question is, aibu.. as I dont know, I feel a bit vulnerable, wearing a ring on my wedding finger, only my family and friends knowing the meaning of it, and not anyone from his side?

He has told his friends he is going to marry me one day, which I thought he was joking about, but he showed me messages where his friends where getting excited about planning a stag do in the near future.

I also am question envious of his ex, he moved country with her, they fell pregnant (but sadly miscarried) and she broke up with him. I knwo I have a past, and I am divorcing my husband, but it makes me think, has he promised this life with all of his exes. Is he just telling me what I want to hear? I've asked him this and he said he isnt. He has been married before which ended but he said he was never convinced she was the one, he only proposed as he felt like it was the next step, whereas with me, he is excited thinking about being my husband and me being his wife.

I know I am being silly, arent I?

OP posts:
Whitney168 · 02/02/2023 12:43

Sounds like a dog peeing up 'his' lamp-post to me, I'm afraid - see how he reacts when you don't wear it on what the think is the right finger ...

Persephoned · 02/02/2023 12:47

If I were you I’d stop worrying about what he thinks and focus on you - 8 months to me is a short time to be together before getting engaged, as you are only just coming out of a long and difficult divorce. Why the rush and need for a ‘promise ring’? Can’t you just enjoy each other’s company for now

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 02/02/2023 12:47

My boyfriend when I was 18 bought me an eternity ring when we were together. I'm pretty sure it was to avoid any talk of proposing

plumduck · 02/02/2023 12:48

I agree with PP. Sounds like he wants to "mark his territory". I'd run a mile.

clpsmum · 02/02/2023 12:49

If you've had a long drawn out divorce why are you in such a rush to be married again? He can be in your life wit hun out rushing into another marriage

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/02/2023 12:50

I don’t think a promise ring is a “thing” so there’s no specific finger to wear it on. I think it would be odd to wear it on your ring finger given you’re not engaged, what will you say when people ask about the proposal/wedding?

The cynic in me wonders if he’s given you this to delay proposing.

Liorae · 02/02/2023 12:51

Grow up for God's sake.

1FootInTheRave · 02/02/2023 12:51

But more importantly, have you rubbed the promise ring in the ex girlfriends face so she knows you're the one and she was trash.

CalistoNoSolo · 02/02/2023 12:52

Way too fast, and sounds like love bombing to me. I don't want to bring you down, but I think you need to give yourself space to be you for a while. Strengthen your boundaries as well. Anyone saying the 'L' word after two months is being very foolish, especially just post a marriage breakdown.

Galadriel90 · 02/02/2023 12:53

You need to calm down! You've only been with him 8 months and are still married - far too soon for all this marriage chat.

CalistoNoSolo · 02/02/2023 12:54

Also 'promise ring' sounds like bullshit to me and put me off whoever presented it to me, but the whole speech on one knee (please tell me no audience) would make me end the relationship.

IsThePopeCatholic · 02/02/2023 12:55

This all sounds rather childish. Why not just enjoy each other’s company and wait to see where your relationship goes. Personally, I would find all this ring nonsense oppressive and verging on controlling. ( Is HE wearing a ring to show he is ‘taken’)?

StreamingCervix · 02/02/2023 12:57

It sounds to me like you’ve met your match, as in you’re both keen to ‘commit’ to a relationship symbolically, even if you’re not actually committing to the long term.

Its not uncommon to be divorced and come to adult relationships with baggage these days, but I do think you both need to grow up a bit seeing as it’s neither of your first rodeo.

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 02/02/2023 13:01

So, it's all perfect, you want to get married, but you're nervous about his reaction to you wearing a 'promise ring' on a finger other than your ring finger?

This reads to me like love bombing and territory marking.

I think you both need to calm down a bit. If it's forever, why the rush?

Liorae · 02/02/2023 13:02

Oh, and the ring needing to be resized? You are not first one he has presented it to...

LetTheLiquorTalk · 02/02/2023 13:03

Promise ring? 😬 Call me suspicious but with it being ‘far too small’, I’d be wondering if it was something he’d used before.

And you hardly know each other, 8 months is very early days, yet he’s excited about being your husband and telling friends he’s going to marry you, but he hadn’t mentioned the far too small ring. I’m not really sure what to make of him but keep your guard up because it’s all a bit weird, teenager ish, bullshit sounding and you obviously feel something isn’t quite right to post here.

MaverickGooseGoose · 02/02/2023 13:03

A promise ring is for kids who promise to save their virginity until they marry imo.

Sounds like is marking his territory so to speak.

I'm married, haven't worn a ring for years because it aggravates my eczema, it's not an issue.

Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 13:04

The ring was too small because we were chatting about stuffone day and ring size was mentioned - I cant remember why.. and I told him, what I thought was my size... turns out I was wrong! Cant remember what size I am !

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 02/02/2023 13:06

8 months together in the midst of a 'slow and long' divorce? 🙄

For Christmas, my BF presented me with a promise ring. A ring which, in his words, is a placeholder for an engagement ring. He got down on one knee and said a lovely speech all about wanting to be with me for life and when the time is right an engagement ring will follow. I googled the ring (I know!) and he has spent £550 on it, so he is serious
I have secondhand embarrassment just from reading this.
You're not even divorced and you're talking about the next marriage. With a 'promise' ring. lol After 8 months together. Good luck with that.

Wnikat · 02/02/2023 13:06

He should be delaying proposing though, they've only been together 8 months.

More worrying is that you doubt him so much. Are you ready for this relationship?

smileladiesplease · 02/02/2023 13:06

8 months is nothing. A promise ring means nothing. Just wait and see how the relationship grows no rush is there

Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 13:07

I knwo it might seem too soon but we are both not teenagers and honestly think we have found the one in each other.

My marriage was dull, we grew apart and we barely spoke. I felt like my basic needs were not being met. NOw, I have found everything I always wanted, and more.

To me, I am not rushing into things, it is meant to be. It was me that told him I'd take a gummy ring, as a joke..

Then he purchased a real ring.

I guess, I am asking, does baggage and the past predict future realtionships?

Also, should he tell his family and friends about the ring? Am I being silly? I had never heard of a promise ring before, and dont know what is right or wrong.

OP posts:
4thonthe4th · 02/02/2023 13:08

Liorae · 02/02/2023 12:51

Grow up for God's sake.

This sums it up.

RealBecca · 02/02/2023 13:08

Sounds like love bombing to me. Slow down. Take time. It sounds a little overbearing.

takealettermsjones · 02/02/2023 13:09

Everyone who sees you will assume you are engaged. Even the people you explain it to will see it as a promise to get married, which is pretty much... an engagement.

If you don't want that yet, sit him down and explain it's too soon, and that you can't possibly accept his generous gift. His reaction to that will tell you a lot imo.