Promise ring - AIBU

[FrazzledGaal]

Hello all

I created this account to ask this question, I think I know I am being unreasonable but wanted some opinions.

So I am currently about to finalise my divorce and have been with my current BF for around 8 months. For info, my divorce has been slow and very long.

Me and my BF (I sound like a teenager!) instantly hit it off when we met. He is lovely, sweet, and caring. In all honesty, I dont have any reason to doubt his feelings or actions but I do.

He is different to anyone I have ever met, and I know I want him to be in my life for a very long time. He has told me the same. We also told each other we loved each other after 2 months of dating.

We were both chatting one day and he said he can't wait to propose to me and has picked out a ring already. He said it would feel wrong to propose right now while I am legally still "married". I agreed and we both agreed that we have all the time off in the world.

For Christmas, my BF presented me with a promise ring. A ring which, in his words, is a placeholder for an engagement ring. He got down on one knee and said a lovely speech all about wanting to be with me for life and when the time is right an engagement ring will follow. I googled the ring (I know!) and he has spent £550 on it, so he is serious.

The ring is far too small so will have to be resized. It should be back within the next few days. He said I can wear it on whatever finger I like but it is usual to wear this on my wedding finger. He asked if I told anyone about the ring which I said I did. I asked if he had, he said no. But he will.

I guess, my question is, aibu.. as I dont know, I feel a bit vulnerable, wearing a ring on my wedding finger, only my family and friends knowing the meaning of it, and not anyone from his side?

He has told his friends he is going to marry me one day, which I thought he was joking about, but he showed me messages where his friends where getting excited about planning a stag do in the near future.

I also am question envious of his ex, he moved country with her, they fell pregnant (but sadly miscarried) and she broke up with him. I knwo I have a past, and I am divorcing my husband, but it makes me think, has he promised this life with all of his exes. Is he just telling me what I want to hear? I've asked him this and he said he isnt. He has been married before which ended but he said he was never convinced she was the one, he only proposed as he felt like it was the next step, whereas with me, he is excited thinking about being my husband and me being his wife.

I know I am being silly, arent I?

Of course you can't wear an engagement or promise ring before you are divorced.

Well good to see you've listened to everyone on here!

Look forward to your next post regarding divorce number two

Although I don't think it'll get that far anyway. Especially as he doesn't want to tell anyone just yet

Fuck me I can hear the alarm bells from over here.

OP are you living together?

It’s the same crazy OP from last time isn’t it 😂 too much of a coincidence

That said, I got engaged after about a year and half to somebody that was previously in the middle of a divorce (when you had to live apart for certain number of years before “no fault” came in).

But we’d discussed it early on and I did get a real engagement ring and then wedding

It sounds very much like you are projecting your own insecurities about your marriage onto this new relationship. There is nothing in your posts here to suggest he is anything other than sincere (although obviously we can't know for sure).

It’s only 8 months and it’s only a ring. I’d just get through the divorce and have fun with new man, no need for any commitment, no need to take in any baggage he may have. If it goes somewhere all well and good, if he turns out to be flaky or all talk then nothing lost. Keep your finances separate and you’ll be ok.

I don’t really see the point of a promise ring tbh. Is it just a nice piece of jewellery to show that he’s serious about you? I think a necklace might have been a bit less ambiguous.

Have you had some therapy to work through your divorce and check this isn’t projection/some kind of rebound? It does seem a bit soon, but sometimes life goes that way.

@FrazzledGaal

I guess, I am asking, does baggage and the past predict future realtionships?

Generally speaking, yes. If there were problems were due to one member's negative behaviour (abuse, cheating, addiction, selfishness, distrust/paranoia, etc) then unless that person takes steps to correct that behaviour they will bring it into future relationships. What kind of 'baggage' do you mean?

Also, should he tell his family and friends about the ring?

Of course he should! Why on earth wouldn't he? I'd have thought he'd have been overjoyed to share his 'happy news'. Have you asked him why he hasn't? Have you met his family?

Am I being silly?

To move so fast? Why yes, yes you are. There's no need to rush into anything so why are you in such a hurry? If he's 'the one' a little extra time to be sure won't change that. If he's not 'the one' you're rushing headlong into disaster. Google 'love bombing'.

I had never heard of a promise ring before, and dont know what is right or wrong.

I didn't even know they were a 'thing' anymore! Promise rings were a 'big deal' when I was in my late teens, back in the early 70s. It meant you were 'engaged to be engaged' and was a 'step beyond going steady'. Normally they were given when a couple would have been considered either 'too young' to marry or not in a realistic position to do so, such as still in high school/Uni. I don't know of any of my friends who got promise rings once they were 'out in the world'. At that point you just got engaged.

If you still want to rush into this, I'd suggest buying him a 'promise ring' and asking him to wear it on his wedding finger. See what he says.

I disagree it’s love bombing on his part. OP says “To me, I am not rushing into things, it is meant to be. It was me that told him I'd take a gummy ring, as a joke..”

So the presentation of the promise ring appears to have been wanted and expected.

Also he’s given proof to the OP that he’s told his friends he’s serious about her which makes me think the OP has been questioning him about who he’s told, and also isn’t happy he hasn’t shared the news of the promise ring wider.

There will always be baggage in relationships as you age. You appear to be wanting a fairytale here OP

If you have doubts about his integrity (which it sounds like you do have) then tell him you prefer to carry on as you are for now and complete your divorce and then, after a decent period, see how you both feel further down the line as two single and available people. And then he can propose properly and you can wear the ring properly if you want to accept his proposal. Until then, you prefer to wait.
If you don’t have doubts about him and wish you could just marry him now, then wear his ring on another finger or round your neck on a chain but I would still urge utmost caution before rushing into a marriage straight off the back of a failed one.
The way you feel right now seems to be your instincts telling you something is off. Listen to your own instincts.

This is well weird. You don’t have any kids with ex, do you?

Don’t get too attached to that ring.

From what you've written, he sounds genuine to me.

But I wouldn't personally wear a promise ring on my wedding ring finger. That's what engagement rings are for. If you both don't want to be engaged before your divorce, it seems a silly technicality to be engaged to be engaged. You either are or you aren't imo, and if you aren't then wearing it on your ring finger would be weird to me.

@FrazzledGaal Can you remember how you felt about your soon to be XDH in the beginning?
Did you think he was the one?

Some people love the beginning romantic stage but find it gets humdrum when the first blush of love fades as it inevitably will so could this be you?

Just love to be in love (nothing wrong with that but have a think)

For clarity, as much as I would like to marry this person, I wont be doing this quickly. He has agreed with that too. I will be moving property soon (martial home being sold) - and we both agreed that I should get my own place for a while. I dont want to jump one home to the next and he thinks I should have independance for a bit too.

As for getting married - 100% it will be after we move in together - so this is years down the line.

I have been questioining his integrity and intentions recently. I think I am sceptical because of my ex-husband. My ex lived his own life, out all weekend, bed early during the week while I tidied cooked all his dinners. He never made any effort on birthdays or christmases. Never listened to me, would always ask me to repeat stories or would blatnaly just sit on his phone and not even try and pretend to listen. This guy (new bf) hasnt ever given me any reason to worry.

He gets in touch alot and asks about my day, is thoughtful, makes efforts on christmasses and birthdays and is excited about these. Tells me how much I mean to him. I suppose, I am a bit suspicious because I havent had this before and I'm thinking "there must be something wrong with this guy".

And with the ex, they arent even in touch :( there is no sign of her in his house (they owned this together), they completely cut ties when they split.. I just wonder that if he is this nice to everyone he is with, how can it be genuine with me?

Of course I tell him this and he reassures me 100% completely.

I had to beg my exhusband to tell me what he thought about me, this guy just does it naturally. I dont know if there is something wrong with him or im not used to being treated nice :(

Jealous of him having a life with his ex when you’ve been married? Jesus wept.

Wtaf have I just read?

A placeholder for an engagement ring?

How did that not make you want to get rid Op?

I think it sounds like love bombing too. Eight months together, after a long a difficult divorce? Maybe things should slow down a bit.

Me and soon to be ex were very young - I did really like him, was quite smitten. He wasnt great at giving attention and I used to moan at him for this.. my own fault for feeling that way during marriage!

No, we dont have children.

What does his ex have to do with the promise ring? She's in this story for no reason I can work out...

I've owned jam longer than you've been in this relationship.

Just that if he lived with her and obv planned a future together, how can it be genuine with me?

I know I am going through a divorce but I ended the marriage. She broke up with him - so my argument is, they would still be together now

This in spades.

we both agreed that I should get my own place for a while. I dont want to jump one home to the next and he thinks I should have independance for a bit too

Well that's big of him. Why does he think you need his permission to 'have independence for a bit'?

You are nowhere ready for a relationship based on this.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. Insecure, anxious, still married. Not a great combo

I dont need permission. I said I am looking to live alone when I sell my property and he agreed and said that.