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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Promise ring - AIBU

168 replies

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 12:42

Hello all

I created this account to ask this question, I think I know I am being unreasonable but wanted some opinions.

So I am currently about to finalise my divorce and have been with my current BF for around 8 months. For info, my divorce has been slow and very long.

Me and my BF (I sound like a teenager!) instantly hit it off when we met. He is lovely, sweet, and caring. In all honesty, I dont have any reason to doubt his feelings or actions but I do.

He is different to anyone I have ever met, and I know I want him to be in my life for a very long time. He has told me the same. We also told each other we loved each other after 2 months of dating.

We were both chatting one day and he said he can't wait to propose to me and has picked out a ring already. He said it would feel wrong to propose right now while I am legally still "married". I agreed and we both agreed that we have all the time off in the world.

For Christmas, my BF presented me with a promise ring. A ring which, in his words, is a placeholder for an engagement ring. He got down on one knee and said a lovely speech all about wanting to be with me for life and when the time is right an engagement ring will follow. I googled the ring (I know!) and he has spent £550 on it, so he is serious.

The ring is far too small so will have to be resized. It should be back within the next few days. He said I can wear it on whatever finger I like but it is usual to wear this on my wedding finger. He asked if I told anyone about the ring which I said I did. I asked if he had, he said no. But he will.

I guess, my question is, aibu.. as I dont know, I feel a bit vulnerable, wearing a ring on my wedding finger, only my family and friends knowing the meaning of it, and not anyone from his side?

He has told his friends he is going to marry me one day, which I thought he was joking about, but he showed me messages where his friends where getting excited about planning a stag do in the near future.

I also am question envious of his ex, he moved country with her, they fell pregnant (but sadly miscarried) and she broke up with him. I knwo I have a past, and I am divorcing my husband, but it makes me think, has he promised this life with all of his exes. Is he just telling me what I want to hear? I've asked him this and he said he isnt. He has been married before which ended but he said he was never convinced she was the one, he only proposed as he felt like it was the next step, whereas with me, he is excited thinking about being my husband and me being his wife.

I know I am being silly, arent I?

OP posts:
Whitney168 · 02/02/2023 13:11

The whole 'down on one knee' thing sounds like mind games to me too.

Even though you'd discussed that he wouldn't propose while you were still officially married, I bet if you're honest you had a 'butterflies, excited/alarmed, he's going to propose' moment?

What has your family's reaction to it been, out of interest?

Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 13:11

I did for a second thing... "he is going to propose"

I was happy but at the same time anxious and thinking "I'm still married"

OP posts:
Pardon44 · 02/02/2023 13:12

Marry in haste. Repent at leisure.

You need to slow down and really get to know each other. You are moving to fast to fill a need in yourself. Do counselling instead it will be cheaper in the long run than another divorce.

If you have kids then you need to priorities them over yourself and your needs. I wouldn't even introduce my kids to a man that quick.

70sWasTheBestMusicEra · 02/02/2023 13:13

He sounds cheesy and way over the top

keri17 · 02/02/2023 13:13

erm you need to run for the hills . Honestly you need to take those rose tinted glasses off and listen to what people are saying

chupachump · 02/02/2023 13:13

Honestly, I've only really heard about promise rings in US teen shows and films. I didn't think it was a thing really.

If you're accepting the ring then I think wear it on the other hand or people will be constantly thinking you're engaged for a start.

Explain when the time is right that you'll wear any engagement/wedding ring on that finger but it's too soon for that.

I do think you need to slow down a bit. You might feel sure about him but you don't really know someone after 8 months and I was engaged very quickly so this is from experience!

Persipan · 02/02/2023 13:13

Why would you want him not to have been planning a nice life with his previous partners at the time he was their partner?

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 02/02/2023 13:14

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 13:07

I knwo it might seem too soon but we are both not teenagers and honestly think we have found the one in each other.

My marriage was dull, we grew apart and we barely spoke. I felt like my basic needs were not being met. NOw, I have found everything I always wanted, and more.

To me, I am not rushing into things, it is meant to be. It was me that told him I'd take a gummy ring, as a joke..

Then he purchased a real ring.

I guess, I am asking, does baggage and the past predict future realtionships?

Also, should he tell his family and friends about the ring? Am I being silly? I had never heard of a promise ring before, and dont know what is right or wrong.

You may well be each other's 'one'. Please don't misinterpret the cynicism here for that.

What's a bit...'not-adult' is that you feel weird about it, he's asking if you've told people and that you would even need a 'placeholder' at your age. It feels like it's a bit showy, and you aren't even actually divorced yet. Him telling you it's usually worn on the wedding finger...really? He wants you to wear what will basically look like a wedding ring so people see you're 'his'? Taken? And googling the price of the ring...you know that's a bit odd. If it was £50 would it mean less? There's just a lot of odd stuff here. But every situation is different.

Re: baggage, one relationship is not a pattern. If he/you have been married/engaged several times, then I'd start to wonder if either of you are just hooked on the early days bit. But that's just my opinion.

And yes, if he thinks you should be telling people about the ring, he should have already done it. Though why either of you would need to in this adult, forever relationship is absolutely beyond me.

Good luck OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/02/2023 13:14

You say you’re not teenagers but you both sound like characters out of High School Musical.

Get engaged. Don’t get engaged. all this promise ring angst is ridiculous!

Liorae · 02/02/2023 13:16

CJsGoldfish · 02/02/2023 13:06

8 months together in the midst of a 'slow and long' divorce? 🙄

For Christmas, my BF presented me with a promise ring. A ring which, in his words, is a placeholder for an engagement ring. He got down on one knee and said a lovely speech all about wanting to be with me for life and when the time is right an engagement ring will follow. I googled the ring (I know!) and he has spent £550 on it, so he is serious
I have secondhand embarrassment just from reading this.
You're not even divorced and you're talking about the next marriage. With a 'promise' ring. lol After 8 months together. Good luck with that.

Nothing says everlasting love like a promise ring that you have googled the price of...

tattygrl · 02/02/2023 13:19

Something here feels odd and I can't put my finger on it exactly.

Some people do meet and get engaged/married quickly; fine. It's natural to have some degree of "doubts" and questions around big life decisions and commitments; fine. You're not divorced yet but it's clearly not a fresh split and the fact you're still married is only a technicality now; fine.

But something about the way you're writing this and the picture you're painting just feels off. I get the impression of anxiety and some panic, and like you're unsure of where he's really coming from.

I am never the one to say this usually, but this does actually sound quite love-bomby. I would recommend caution. It's easy for someone to appear like the perfect partner and make you feel like they're your perfect match.

qpmz · 02/02/2023 13:21

You can't get married until you're divorced. He wants to marry you and you feel the same. I don't get what the problem is at all. It sounds like you need to talk through your insecurities.

Howeverdoyouneedme · 02/02/2023 13:21

Are you financially secure whilst he is not?
Just all sounds a bit much and I think it's making you feel cringy.
You can be partners, there's no need to get married.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/02/2023 13:21

A ring which, in his words, is a placeholder for an engagement ring

Or in my words a 'making sure she's taken off the market' ring. You're not even divorced yet and you're looking at a second marriage. And how far in the future is this 'one day' that he's going to propose?

Look, I'm a cynical old bat so feel free to ignore me, but how about being single for a bit before you leap into another relationship. I mean, if he's that wonderful he'll understand that you want to get it right this time, surely?

samqueens · 02/02/2023 13:25

If you had found “everything you always wanted and more” you would not be posting about this relationship on mumsnet.

Something in your gut is making you second guess. Agree with PP that this sounds like absolutely classic lovebombing. If so then you’re very possibly committing to someone who is controlling and manipulative at the very least. You’ll feel this odd sense of doubt consistently in the future, but you’ll always tell yourself there isn’t a good reason for it. If you look to him for reassurance he will tell you any doubt is your issue and nothing to do with him.

It’s just a pretend engagement ring. I think the odds are high that you’ll find there’s a lot of pretence in the relationship as time goes on, but probably not until you live together.

Unless you are independently wealthy, do NOT get pregnant until you’re married and do not marry without living together first.

I realise you’re going to ignore all of the above right now (and every other poster saying 🚩🚩) because you’re in love. I really do hope we are all wrong and he is just an amazing guy.

But maybe one day, if you start getting this uneasy feeling more and more, and you find yourself trying to rationalise things you don’t like more and more, you’ll remember all this good advice…

IhearyouClemFandango · 02/02/2023 13:28

Do you have children?

Whataretheodds · 02/02/2023 13:28

Why is the divorce taking so long?

How long were you and your husband separated before you met this guy?

If you wear a ring on your ring finger people will assume you are engaged or married. Since he's told you that this is a promise to propose you are effectively engaged. Why wouldn't he tell his family this?

Sirius3030 · 02/02/2023 13:35

What an astonishing number of sour responses. To me he sounds like a good guy who wants to make some sort of commitment to you, while realising that it is early days. He has told all his friends that he wants to marry you.
In reality, things may or may not progress the way you both hope, that is life, but don't get hung up on a ring. Accept is as a thoughtful and considerate gift, and get on with your relationship.
Good luck!

NerrSnerr · 02/02/2023 13:36

Do you have children? If you do please slow down.

If not you probably still should slow down but at least it's only you that you're risking.

LightDrizzle · 02/02/2023 13:37

What’s the rush?

Personally I’d have been embarrassed about a promise ring at 17, never mind in adulthood. I thought it was an American teen thing and not widespread there.

I agree it sounds like love bombing at best. Slow down and enjoy doing things together and if it’s right, you’ll still be in a good place in a couple of years.

Unless your friends and families are a bit dim and naive, they aren’t going to feel joy or envy on hearing about the promise ring, although hopefully they’d feign some enthusiasm.

Calphurnia88 · 02/02/2023 13:37

It all sounds a little juvenile, but different strokes for different folks.

I don't really get how this is any different from an engagement ring. Are you sure you want to marry this man?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/02/2023 13:39

Personally I’d have been embarrassed about a promise ring at 17, never mind in adulthood. I thought it was an American teen thing and not widespread there

Nope, just googled it and surprise surprise, it's another marketing opportunity. Or 'way to gouge more money out of people,' depending on POV.

www.hsamuel.co.uk/webstore/l/promise-rings/

Sengi · 02/02/2023 13:40

If you've already sent it to be resized, then surely you've already decided which finger you want it to fit?

xogossipgirlxo · 02/02/2023 13:40

It's a nice gesture, but I would keep in mind that it might change. For what it's worth, you've been dating only 8 months, both very much in love with rose tinted glasses on. Hopefully it will work out for you. Bear in mind people will ask you if you're engaged if you wear it on wedding ring finger.

SuperHandss · 02/02/2023 13:41

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 02/02/2023 13:01

So, it's all perfect, you want to get married, but you're nervous about his reaction to you wearing a 'promise ring' on a finger other than your ring finger?

This reads to me like love bombing and territory marking.

I think you both need to calm down a bit. If it's forever, why the rush?

100%

Slow right down. It’s been 8 months. It’s red flag fast.