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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Promise ring - AIBU

168 replies

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 12:42

Hello all

I created this account to ask this question, I think I know I am being unreasonable but wanted some opinions.

So I am currently about to finalise my divorce and have been with my current BF for around 8 months. For info, my divorce has been slow and very long.

Me and my BF (I sound like a teenager!) instantly hit it off when we met. He is lovely, sweet, and caring. In all honesty, I dont have any reason to doubt his feelings or actions but I do.

He is different to anyone I have ever met, and I know I want him to be in my life for a very long time. He has told me the same. We also told each other we loved each other after 2 months of dating.

We were both chatting one day and he said he can't wait to propose to me and has picked out a ring already. He said it would feel wrong to propose right now while I am legally still "married". I agreed and we both agreed that we have all the time off in the world.

For Christmas, my BF presented me with a promise ring. A ring which, in his words, is a placeholder for an engagement ring. He got down on one knee and said a lovely speech all about wanting to be with me for life and when the time is right an engagement ring will follow. I googled the ring (I know!) and he has spent £550 on it, so he is serious.

The ring is far too small so will have to be resized. It should be back within the next few days. He said I can wear it on whatever finger I like but it is usual to wear this on my wedding finger. He asked if I told anyone about the ring which I said I did. I asked if he had, he said no. But he will.

I guess, my question is, aibu.. as I dont know, I feel a bit vulnerable, wearing a ring on my wedding finger, only my family and friends knowing the meaning of it, and not anyone from his side?

He has told his friends he is going to marry me one day, which I thought he was joking about, but he showed me messages where his friends where getting excited about planning a stag do in the near future.

I also am question envious of his ex, he moved country with her, they fell pregnant (but sadly miscarried) and she broke up with him. I knwo I have a past, and I am divorcing my husband, but it makes me think, has he promised this life with all of his exes. Is he just telling me what I want to hear? I've asked him this and he said he isnt. He has been married before which ended but he said he was never convinced she was the one, he only proposed as he felt like it was the next step, whereas with me, he is excited thinking about being my husband and me being his wife.

I know I am being silly, arent I?

OP posts:
Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 15:57

So he didn't just present a ring randomly.. well he did, but we jokingly spoke about it first. He also didnt want to propose anytime soon while I was still married, I agreed, that would be so wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 15:57

Yes, he is a little older than me.
What made you ask?

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/02/2023 16:00

I said that he better start thinking... then boom, £550 later

Do you feel you can't turn down or refuse to wear it because...boom, he's just spent £ 550?

SunshineAndFizz · 02/02/2023 16:01

Sorry but you sound a bit nutty.

It's nice you've met someone you can see a future with. But jeez you need to chill out. It's been 8 months. You're still married. Promise rings aren't a thing.

Just say thanks for the lovely bit of jewellery. Don't wear it on your wedding finger. It's not an engagement ring. But wear it and enjoy it. And enjoy your time getting to know him better.

That's it really. Don't overthink.

takealettermsjones · 02/02/2023 16:03

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 15:57

Yes, he is a little older than me.
What made you ask?

Just something about you saying you went straight from your parents' house to living with your ex husband, and now you're eight months in and discussing marriage... I wondered whether you might both subconsciously be in a rush because of wanting kids in the future maybe. Sorry if I'm off base! You do sound sensible and I think you should listen to PPs about securing your finances. I suspect you have plenty of time re. kids if that's it.

PinkPlantCase · 02/02/2023 16:04

He sounds like a nice guy.

He bought you some jewellery, I wouldn’t think about it any further than that. The cost is up to him, it sounds like he has lots of money so maybe £550 isn’t loads for him.

You know he’d like to get married some day, that’s a nice thing.

I’m not sure why you need to see receipts and his phone messages to believe him.

Calphurnia88 · 02/02/2023 16:53

I guess I am sceptical about "the one" being "in love" when my marriage didnt work out. How can you stand infront of people and say vows then change your mind and its over and then you remarry? Maybe its me.

But... Isn't this what you're planning on doing?

@FrazzledGaal I honestly think you'd benefit from learning to be happy on your own, from reading your posts. This promise ring business is bizarre.

BadNomad · 02/02/2023 17:13

I agree about you needing time on your own. There is no such thing as "the one". There really isn't. What works for you now won't necessarily work in the future. You met this man while going through a separation and divorce. This is a relationship that served a purpose during that time. Soon, after the divorce is settled and house sold, you will be starting a new chapter in your life. You have no idea if this man will be what you want or need because you aren't there yet. You really need to be settled in life, and in yourself, before you can be sure of other people. Promise rings and talks of engagements and forever afters are romantic nonsense.

BeachBlondey · 02/02/2023 18:14

I think you're getting a hard time on here! You've had some really harsh comments, and I've no idea why.

I was in the same situation as you. I left my ExH of 20 years, and immediately started on line dating. Within 2 months I'd met my now DH. He moved in with me 8 months after we met. We have been together for almost 15 years now (married for 10). Still very, very happy. When you know, you know.

I was very damaged from my relationship with ExH. Years of cheating, gaslighting and occasional violence. For many years, I waited for DH to do the same. I was insecure, paranoid, checking his phone etc. That has all stopped now, and I feel very secure and settled.

Your ExH, and his treatment of you, has made you feel unloved, and therefore unlovable. It's a head fuck, I know! But you have a choice here - you either allow your past to fuck up your future, or you let your walls down and give this a shot.

He sounds like a keeper to me.

FWIW, all of my friends, bar one couple, are in second marriages. They have all proved to be success stories. Maybe because second time around, you don't make the same mistakes? Maybe because we are older and more mature? I don't know.

I'd be very wary of pushing this guy away. If you do that your ExH has won, hasn't he?

Scout2016 · 02/02/2023 19:18

"How can you stand infront of people and say vows then change your mind and its over and then you remarry?"

I was going to say it was shitty of him to marry someone knowing he didn't really want to. Only proposing because he thought it was expected is bad enough but going through with the marriage is poor.
Then you say you did the same thing! Married your ex knowing you shouldn't be doing it. Why do that to someone?

Anyway, I'm in the too much too soon and a promise ring in this sense is utter nonsense camp.
Before your thread I also thought it was about being a teenage American virgin.
But in answer to the origional question about wearing it, maybe on a chain round your neck?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2023 20:06

Ok, so you say you plan to have your own place so you can 'live alone'. Thing is, if you have your 'own place' but he's constantly there then you really never learn the lessons to be learnt by 'living alone'. Living alone means spending time alone, in your own company, in your own space. Making decisions on your own, considering only what YOU want (with considerations for any DC of course).

And from what you're saying, you badly need to really experience living alone, being alone, and being happy with it and with yourself.

So how would he react if you were to tell him that you needed time on your own? He's really rushing you. He needs to step back and give you breathing space.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2023 20:23

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 14:51

Just that if he lived with her and obv planned a future together, how can it be genuine with me?

I know I am going through a divorce but I ended the marriage. She broke up with him - so my argument is, they would still be together now

By your logic, you made wedding vows once, got bored and left him so how can he trust you not to do it again?

TowerRaven7 · 02/02/2023 20:28

The only person I knew with a promise ring was 16 years old and this was 30 years ago! How old are you? Honestly you aren’t even divorced yet.

Suzi888 · 02/02/2023 20:28

I’ve worn a ring on my ring finger since I was a child….

ShinyMe · 02/02/2023 20:35

He gets in touch alot and asks about my day, is thoughtful, makes efforts on christmasses and birthdays and is excited about these. Tells me how much I mean to him. I suppose, I am a bit suspicious because I havent had this before and I'm thinking "there must be something wrong with this guy".

But you've only had one birthday and Christmas.

sunshinenroses · 02/02/2023 20:38

Is it just me that thinks it's dead cute?😬

sunshinenroses · 02/02/2023 20:41

BeachBlondey · 02/02/2023 18:14

I think you're getting a hard time on here! You've had some really harsh comments, and I've no idea why.

I was in the same situation as you. I left my ExH of 20 years, and immediately started on line dating. Within 2 months I'd met my now DH. He moved in with me 8 months after we met. We have been together for almost 15 years now (married for 10). Still very, very happy. When you know, you know.

I was very damaged from my relationship with ExH. Years of cheating, gaslighting and occasional violence. For many years, I waited for DH to do the same. I was insecure, paranoid, checking his phone etc. That has all stopped now, and I feel very secure and settled.

Your ExH, and his treatment of you, has made you feel unloved, and therefore unlovable. It's a head fuck, I know! But you have a choice here - you either allow your past to fuck up your future, or you let your walls down and give this a shot.

He sounds like a keeper to me.

FWIW, all of my friends, bar one couple, are in second marriages. They have all proved to be success stories. Maybe because second time around, you don't make the same mistakes? Maybe because we are older and more mature? I don't know.

I'd be very wary of pushing this guy away. If you do that your ExH has won, hasn't he?

I wanted to write something like this. I met dp really shortly after an abusive relationship and he saved me, let me trust again and heal. There isnt just one path for everyone who's been through a hard time. If there are no red flags I don't see an issue. And being very open with his feelings isn't always love bombing as MN thinks.

Whatwasthatshow · 02/03/2024 12:18

How are you a year on @FrazzledGaal x

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