Promise ring - AIBU

[FrazzledGaal]

Hello all

I created this account to ask this question, I think I know I am being unreasonable but wanted some opinions.

So I am currently about to finalise my divorce and have been with my current BF for around 8 months. For info, my divorce has been slow and very long.

Me and my BF (I sound like a teenager!) instantly hit it off when we met. He is lovely, sweet, and caring. In all honesty, I dont have any reason to doubt his feelings or actions but I do.

He is different to anyone I have ever met, and I know I want him to be in my life for a very long time. He has told me the same. We also told each other we loved each other after 2 months of dating.

We were both chatting one day and he said he can't wait to propose to me and has picked out a ring already. He said it would feel wrong to propose right now while I am legally still "married". I agreed and we both agreed that we have all the time off in the world.

For Christmas, my BF presented me with a promise ring. A ring which, in his words, is a placeholder for an engagement ring. He got down on one knee and said a lovely speech all about wanting to be with me for life and when the time is right an engagement ring will follow. I googled the ring (I know!) and he has spent £550 on it, so he is serious.

The ring is far too small so will have to be resized. It should be back within the next few days. He said I can wear it on whatever finger I like but it is usual to wear this on my wedding finger. He asked if I told anyone about the ring which I said I did. I asked if he had, he said no. But he will.

I guess, my question is, aibu.. as I dont know, I feel a bit vulnerable, wearing a ring on my wedding finger, only my family and friends knowing the meaning of it, and not anyone from his side?

He has told his friends he is going to marry me one day, which I thought he was joking about, but he showed me messages where his friends where getting excited about planning a stag do in the near future.

I also am question envious of his ex, he moved country with her, they fell pregnant (but sadly miscarried) and she broke up with him. I knwo I have a past, and I am divorcing my husband, but it makes me think, has he promised this life with all of his exes. Is he just telling me what I want to hear? I've asked him this and he said he isnt. He has been married before which ended but he said he was never convinced she was the one, he only proposed as he felt like it was the next step, whereas with me, he is excited thinking about being my husband and me being his wife.

I know I am being silly, arent I?

Meh, we were engaged within 3 months of meeting and have been together 22 years. DH had only been divorced 14 months.

Sometimes it happens quick, and sometimes giving it time is the right thing to do. Trust your instinct.

At least a muller fruit corner has some culture. He didn't.

That 1st paragraph is spot on, 100%.

This guy is everything I have always wanted in a relationship.

Every morning I have a goodmorning text. He is genuinely interested about my day, will sit and listen to my boring work chat. We can talk for hours about anything (Ex husband said he didnt know what to say to me). We make each other laugh so much and when we go out for dinner, they have to kick us out as we are always the last to leave as we talk so much.

Doing the most boring things is fun when he is there, like doing the weekly shop, or when he came with me to pick my pet up. We have similar interest ( me and ex husband did not). We both still have hobbies and friends, and family, so we dont spend all of our time together but the time we do have, he wants to maximise our time together - my ex husband onyl wanted to spend time on his expensive hobby. He wouldnt even walk to our localwith me for a drinks.

I married someone I knew was wrong for me and I knew on our wedding night it was the wrong thing. How can I be sure now, what if I just chose bad people.

I’m confused - you say the ring has been sent off for resizing so surely you e decided which finger to wear it on?

OP, whatever you do have the money you get from the division of matrimonial property safely invested until you are ready to purchase another home. Too many women have been scammed out of their savings. Do not lend him money to start a business for you both etc etc. Despite the generous gift of a ring you may find that what is yours becomes “ours” at his disposal.

I would wear it on the right hand, it doesn't have any meaning really and why would you want to show the world you're engaged when you aren't.

I do get the feeling that he's giving you permission all the time. I know you said you'd have gone ahead with the living alone idea, but look at the way you’re phrasing this – apologies for going back a few pages but this really leapt out at me

For clarity, as much as I would like to marry this person, I wont be doing this quickly. He has agreed with that too. I will be moving property soon (martial home being sold) - and we both agreed that I should get my own place for a while. I dont want to jump one home to the next and he thinks I should have independance for a bit too.

If he hadnt agreed, I would have discussed it more with him – why not just tell him what you have decided?

I texted him my concerns and he said that I dont have to wear it on my wedding finger and I dont even have to wear it everyday – but the expectation is implicit that he expects you to.

Anyway, I'm most likely overthinking this. I can't help feeling you are being rushed into something but he's everything you want, so feel free to ignore me.

Oh, definitely!
Bf has a lovely big house in the country, a very well paid job, he isnt interested in my money and hasnt asked any questions (quite rightly) about my split or settlement.
I will purchase a property and put some money in a savings accounts (for my use only).

I knew I loved my DH from about two weeks of knowing each other. We’ve now been together happily for 25 years. But at 8 months there’s no way I would have been certain about marriage or spending the rest of my life with him. You can’t know someone well enough in that length of time. Loving them isn’t enough if you’re not truly, truly on the same page about everything. Has your relationship even been tested yet? For me I was only sure once we’d been through some really difficult times together and got through them as a team, relying on each other and giving real, reliable, mutual support.

A promise ring at this stage is a meaningless, teenage gesture. I would be questioning his maturity and his attitude to women and to commitment. Talk is cheap, it’s what he does, and how, that show you what kind if partner he would be. Do yourself a favour and have a bit of objectivity.

Red flags everywhere, OP, he's love bombing you and is a future faker. Along with other posters, I bet that promise ring has been presented to other gullible girlfriends in the past.

Your marriage went tits up, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Don't try and whitewash it out of existence by rushing into another 'The One' relationship. You sound as if you are desperately trying to convince yourself this man is perfect for you. He sounds both needy and controlling.

He hasnt presented the ring to anyone else. I know this for a fact because I accused him of this and he sent me the receitp/email confirmation of purchase (blurred price out) and it was purchased before Christmas.

No, but you are getting hung up on some really random stuff.

People can ( and generally do ) love more than one person in their life time. His relationship with his ex has absolutely nothing to do with his relationship with you.

I absolutely adored my previous partner before my current DP of 15 years. We were absolutely perfect for each other in lots of ways. But we wanted different things from each other at the stage of life we were at, and so the relationship didn't work out. It was upsetting at the time, but it wasn't acrimonious, I still think fondly of her, and think the time that we spent together was a great part of my life.

I also absolutely adore my current partner. We are absolutely perfect for each in lots of ways, lots of them different from the ones with previous partner. We also met at the right time, had the same priorities and wants in life at that time, and so the relationship has lasted.

By your logic, I should never have had a relationship with current partner, because I don't hate my previous one and wasn't dumped by her. That's utterly bizarre, huge portions of the population would be unable to get into any further relationships by the time they hit 25, birth rates would plummet, the human race would die out in a matter of generations ;)

Instead, most people pick themselves up, move on and go looking for a new relationship. There's no such thing as "the one", which is good, because if there was the chances of you actually meeting them would be miniscule. Instead, there are millions of people who you could love, and could love you. You'll meet a few of them, and if you're really lucky it'll be at just the right time in your life to work.

I was cringing all the way through read that.

Right, I’ve gone full circle on this!

I now get the whole post and where you are coming from. I think you sound really smart and like you have your head screwed on, but you’re all discombobulated by him being so nice and easy. Whilst he reads as a bit ott (would do my head in) I think you’ve just found a nice guy. Chill. Roll with it. Wear the ring on your other hand and just see how it all unfolds!

It’s good you’re buying somewhere alone and you’re setting up a base to be your safe space.

Once the divorce is finalised you can just see what happens.

You are good.. I think you should be a therapist :)

I think is an incredibly new relationship and I would want to spend at least two years with someone before I was certain they were someone I wanted to marry, especially if I was recently divorced or not yet even divorced. That doesn’t mean I would do anything different but I would be reiterate to him (and myself!) that it’s okay to give each other time. Good relationships mature, there is nothing to fear from a bit of time.

I'm very black and white - like to know all the facts, find it hard to go with the flow.

Why do I keep starting arguments with him ?
How can I chill a bit :(

What's the saying, 'Marry in haste; repent in pleasure'.

How can I be sure now, what if I just chose bad people.

You can't be sure now. That's exactly the point everyone is trying to make. It's way too early and you both need to slow it right down.

You are understandably apprehensive about this man because its early and because he's laying it on thick. He may or may not be honourable... it's too early to know. But you need to trust your instincts. If it feels too good to be true it's certainly worth taking it as slowly as you can.

You seem to be trying to persuade yourself that he's the right man. He may be, he may not be. But after eight months and while you are still technically married, you owe it to yourself not to fall into another trap of allowing yourself to be lovebombed into doing something before you are ready.

The "promise ring" or whatever its called is a complete red herring but if its an issue for him it's a fairly reliable red flag that he's pushing you too hard.

Focus on you and what you want from the relationship and stop worrying about offending him.

A promise ring sounds like something from Sweet Valley High (showing my age).

I can’t believe you accused him of giving a promise ring to someone else and he sent you the receipt. This relationship doesn’t sound healthy at all. He’s love bombing you and you sound jealous and controlling.

£550 on a promise ring seem a tad mad to me

Why isn't an engagement ring

If that's what he wants

A promise ring seems dangling a carrot

You SHOULD be sceptical - you've known him for no time at all really, and he's made a big deal of over promising and under delivering with a cringey promise ring (which isn't a thing).

I dont want to be engaged while still being married

I said as a joke I would take a gummy ring in the meantime, he said something about that not be durable (this was a jokey talk!!) and I said that he better start thinking... then boom, £550 later.

How old are you both OP? Wondering if he is older than you?