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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Promise ring - AIBU

168 replies

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 12:42

Hello all

I created this account to ask this question, I think I know I am being unreasonable but wanted some opinions.

So I am currently about to finalise my divorce and have been with my current BF for around 8 months. For info, my divorce has been slow and very long.

Me and my BF (I sound like a teenager!) instantly hit it off when we met. He is lovely, sweet, and caring. In all honesty, I dont have any reason to doubt his feelings or actions but I do.

He is different to anyone I have ever met, and I know I want him to be in my life for a very long time. He has told me the same. We also told each other we loved each other after 2 months of dating.

We were both chatting one day and he said he can't wait to propose to me and has picked out a ring already. He said it would feel wrong to propose right now while I am legally still "married". I agreed and we both agreed that we have all the time off in the world.

For Christmas, my BF presented me with a promise ring. A ring which, in his words, is a placeholder for an engagement ring. He got down on one knee and said a lovely speech all about wanting to be with me for life and when the time is right an engagement ring will follow. I googled the ring (I know!) and he has spent £550 on it, so he is serious.

The ring is far too small so will have to be resized. It should be back within the next few days. He said I can wear it on whatever finger I like but it is usual to wear this on my wedding finger. He asked if I told anyone about the ring which I said I did. I asked if he had, he said no. But he will.

I guess, my question is, aibu.. as I dont know, I feel a bit vulnerable, wearing a ring on my wedding finger, only my family and friends knowing the meaning of it, and not anyone from his side?

He has told his friends he is going to marry me one day, which I thought he was joking about, but he showed me messages where his friends where getting excited about planning a stag do in the near future.

I also am question envious of his ex, he moved country with her, they fell pregnant (but sadly miscarried) and she broke up with him. I knwo I have a past, and I am divorcing my husband, but it makes me think, has he promised this life with all of his exes. Is he just telling me what I want to hear? I've asked him this and he said he isnt. He has been married before which ended but he said he was never convinced she was the one, he only proposed as he felt like it was the next step, whereas with me, he is excited thinking about being my husband and me being his wife.

I know I am being silly, arent I?

OP posts:
Getamoveon36 · 02/02/2023 13:42

You’ve been with him 5 mins in the middle of a lengthy divorce, why are you even considering another marriage so soon? Why is he trying to rush the issue..? Can’t you just be together for a while without rushing into a wedding? All sounds a bit teenager tbh.

ladydimitrescu · 02/02/2023 13:42

Good lord slow down. You need to stop obsessing, and it all sounds really childish to be completely honest.

SuperHandss · 02/02/2023 13:43

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 13:07

I knwo it might seem too soon but we are both not teenagers and honestly think we have found the one in each other.

My marriage was dull, we grew apart and we barely spoke. I felt like my basic needs were not being met. NOw, I have found everything I always wanted, and more.

To me, I am not rushing into things, it is meant to be. It was me that told him I'd take a gummy ring, as a joke..

Then he purchased a real ring.

I guess, I am asking, does baggage and the past predict future realtionships?

Also, should he tell his family and friends about the ring? Am I being silly? I had never heard of a promise ring before, and dont know what is right or wrong.

There is nothing to tell them? He bought you jewellery.

Merryoldgoat · 02/02/2023 13:44

The last time I heard about promise rings Todd was giving one to Melissa in Neighbours.

whatausername · 02/02/2023 13:44

So you're engaged to be engaged to be married? It's a load of hooey and you know it.

You're either (wrongly) feeling like you've failed at marriage previously and are desperate to (very publicly) make one work or you are lonely and clinging on to the first apparent opportunity. But it's not an opportunity. He is love-bombing you. At best, he'll leave you broken-hearted with dented self-esteem. Go and look after yourself for a bit and make fun in life where you can. Everything else will come right in good time.

(Btw I echo PPs' concerns re. control. Watch your arse around him.)

Twawmyarse2 · 02/02/2023 13:44

Sounds like he's love-bombing you.

Whats the rush? I think it's downright weird to be talking of marriage when you've been dating for 8 months and one of you is still going through a divorce.

You're gut is telling you something for a reason - listen to it.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 02/02/2023 13:44

Promise ring? Isn’t that something particularly immature teenagers do? Any man that suggested such a ridiculous thing to me would be dumped immediately, no matter how I felt before that. Tell him to grow up.

BigButtons · 02/02/2023 13:45

what s this 'promise ring'? What is the actual point of it? If you want to get engaged get a proper ring. You don't need a promise ring to commit to someone- what are you now- marked as sold?
8 months is way too soon for all of this- you are not even divorced .
Have you lived with the man? Have you done all the daily drudge with him? Had a few arguments?
I would find all of this completely suffocating. he is playing on your post divorce neediness. My betting is that the promise ring is a close as he wants to get. As I say- 'marked as sold'

Yesthatismychildsigh · 02/02/2023 13:45

And don’t tell anybody. You’ll both be laughing stocks.

GoldDuster · 02/02/2023 13:45

What do you want?

I'd say that you feel uncomfortable about this, because it's a bit odd, and you know it.

Something about it doesn't feel quite right, that's because it's not.

RiktheButler · 02/02/2023 13:46

1FootInTheRave · 02/02/2023 12:51

But more importantly, have you rubbed the promise ring in the ex girlfriends face so she knows you're the one and she was trash.

Not just me who thought this sounded familiar!!!

ThatsSubOptimal · 02/02/2023 13:48

You said you'd take a gummy ring as a joke? Why are you putting yourself in the bargain basement??

caringcarer · 02/02/2023 13:49

I thought a promise ring was used by teens a bit like a committee ring. Showing you will be married one day. I'd just enjoy being together. I'd be leaving it at least 2 years after divorce finalised, before getting engaged again. There is no rush.

butterfliedtwo · 02/02/2023 13:49

Promise ring to me has very fundie Christian vibes, which gives me the absolute ick. Besides that you're not even divorced yet. Slow down.

SpareHeirOverThere · 02/02/2023 13:53

It's been 8 months. You're still married. Sounds like he's fresh out of a LT relationship.

Pop the ring on a chain around your neck and carry on getting to know each other. Don't be rushed. Take it as a sweet, romantic gesture, like any piece of jewellery.

Just don't believe the hype. You two have a long way to go.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/02/2023 13:53

Does anyone feel like this thread has been written by an 18yo about her 18yo boyfriend?

viques · 02/02/2023 13:55

What is “the promise” 🤔? So many possibilities………

LosingMyPancakes · 02/02/2023 13:56

My SIL got engaged to a guy who was still going through a divorce. They married as soon as it was finalised. Safe to say she regrets it now, as it turns out he wasn't the price he presented himself as and there was more to his sob story about his wife leaving him... She would've probably realised those things if she dated him for more than a few months before jumping in.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/02/2023 13:56

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/02/2023 13:53

Does anyone feel like this thread has been written by an 18yo about her 18yo boyfriend?

Sounds unkind to agree, but yes.

DuchessOfSausage · 02/02/2023 13:59

Love bombing and future faking.
Way too soon to be thinking of a happy ever after.

CousinKrispy · 02/02/2023 13:59

The great thing about "having a past" is you can learn from it. Maybe both of you have learned valuable lessons and know yourselves and what you want in a relationship better than before. So while I know it might be a bit much for you to feel "grateful" for his past relationships, it might be worth thinking about the fact that you probably wouldn't be together now, if the two of you hadn't had your past relationships with others.

On another note, I know there are some people with successful relationships who got to know each other very quickly. But please remember that it takes a long time to get to know people and there is nothing wrong with slowing down and taking your time. Listen to your feelings and see if, over time, there are things about your partner or the relationship that make you feel uncomfortable or upset. Don't feel like you have to rush.

MimiSunshine · 02/02/2023 14:01

Just wear it on your right hand. And stop calling it a promise ring.

an engagent ring is the promise (ring) to marry. There is no promise to promise to marry ring.

wear it on your right hand and when done notices your new ring, just tell what it is, a lovely ring your bf bought you for Christmas.

Agapornis · 02/02/2023 14:02

Promise ring is another name for purity ring. It's a bit late for you to be a virgin, no?

MalagaNights · 02/02/2023 14:02

Getting engaged is a statement of an intention to get married.

So a promise ring is an intention of an intention to get married.

Is there something you can get prior to a promise ring to show an intention of an intention of an intention to get married?

It's ridiculous unless you are a naive love sick sixteen year old.

Relationships involved in such overblown nonsense are not usually the ones which last.

WizardOfAus · 02/02/2023 14:02

Sounds like you'll be heading for divorce no. 2 in no time.