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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Promise ring - AIBU

168 replies

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 12:42

Hello all

I created this account to ask this question, I think I know I am being unreasonable but wanted some opinions.

So I am currently about to finalise my divorce and have been with my current BF for around 8 months. For info, my divorce has been slow and very long.

Me and my BF (I sound like a teenager!) instantly hit it off when we met. He is lovely, sweet, and caring. In all honesty, I dont have any reason to doubt his feelings or actions but I do.

He is different to anyone I have ever met, and I know I want him to be in my life for a very long time. He has told me the same. We also told each other we loved each other after 2 months of dating.

We were both chatting one day and he said he can't wait to propose to me and has picked out a ring already. He said it would feel wrong to propose right now while I am legally still "married". I agreed and we both agreed that we have all the time off in the world.

For Christmas, my BF presented me with a promise ring. A ring which, in his words, is a placeholder for an engagement ring. He got down on one knee and said a lovely speech all about wanting to be with me for life and when the time is right an engagement ring will follow. I googled the ring (I know!) and he has spent £550 on it, so he is serious.

The ring is far too small so will have to be resized. It should be back within the next few days. He said I can wear it on whatever finger I like but it is usual to wear this on my wedding finger. He asked if I told anyone about the ring which I said I did. I asked if he had, he said no. But he will.

I guess, my question is, aibu.. as I dont know, I feel a bit vulnerable, wearing a ring on my wedding finger, only my family and friends knowing the meaning of it, and not anyone from his side?

He has told his friends he is going to marry me one day, which I thought he was joking about, but he showed me messages where his friends where getting excited about planning a stag do in the near future.

I also am question envious of his ex, he moved country with her, they fell pregnant (but sadly miscarried) and she broke up with him. I knwo I have a past, and I am divorcing my husband, but it makes me think, has he promised this life with all of his exes. Is he just telling me what I want to hear? I've asked him this and he said he isnt. He has been married before which ended but he said he was never convinced she was the one, he only proposed as he felt like it was the next step, whereas with me, he is excited thinking about being my husband and me being his wife.

I know I am being silly, arent I?

OP posts:
RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 02/02/2023 14:57

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 14:51

Just that if he lived with her and obv planned a future together, how can it be genuine with me?

I know I am going through a divorce but I ended the marriage. She broke up with him - so my argument is, they would still be together now

Okay, now you are sounding REALLY immature.

Someone has to do the ending of a relationship.

Start listening to your gut. Why are you really having these thoughts?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/02/2023 14:57

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 14:57

I dont need permission. I said I am looking to live alone when I sell my property and he agreed and said that.

Just out of interest, what if he hadn't agreed?

Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 14:59

Myfabby · 02/02/2023 14:56

You are nowhere ready for a relationship based on this.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. Insecure, anxious, still married. Not a great combo

Show quote history

I've been thinking this too.
I am so over ex husband, I was over him before we ended the marriage - things werent great, and we were effectively just housemates.

I guess I am sceptical about "the one" being "in love" when my marriage didnt work out. How can you stand infront of people and say vows then change your mind and its over and then you remarry? Maybe its me.

My ex husband said he preferred me in the company of other people, said me and our house depressed him - I just think maybe I am not good enough and maybe I am a walking red flag.

OP posts:
RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 02/02/2023 14:59

Sorry - that sounded WAY harsher than I meant it to.

His ex may just have been braver. It’s unusual for a relationship to end and the dumped person to be thinking “but this is amazing!”.

You need to ask why you are questioning this perfect man so much.

YukoandHiro · 02/02/2023 15:00

I don't get from your post whether you want to be married again or not. It sounds to me like you're anxious to be rushed into something binding again - and fairly so.
Why don't you just accept the ring as a kind gift of affection and wear it on another finger, not your ring finger? I don't see why it has to have any more meaning than a nice gift. It's not an engagement ring.

Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 15:00

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/02/2023 14:57

Just out of interest, what if he hadn't agreed?

Show quote history

If he hadnt agreed, I would have discussed it more with him. But, I wouldnt have changed my mind. I know my post comes across as some teenager but I will be living along for 1 year minimum - I need to live alone as I have never done this.
I left home and moved in with someone, never actually had my own place.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 02/02/2023 15:02

"My marriage was dull, we grew apart and we barely spoke. I felt like my basic needs were not being met. NOw, I have found everything I always wanted, and more."

Sure... but presumably this is exactly how you felt about your ex after only eight months of knowing each other?

1Wanda1 · 02/02/2023 15:02

All sounds a bit Sweet Valley High to me. If you're adults and you're together in a committed but newish (which 8 months is) relationship, got off the heels of a divorce, why do either of you need to be (a) pre-planning for your future marriage or (b) fretting about what "the world" might think if you wear a ring on the "wrong" finger? Isn't this just between the 2 of you?

Ludo19 · 02/02/2023 15:02

OP as must as we all live a good fairy tale in the real world relationships aren't that plain sailing.

A promise ring? Talking about who broke up with who? Telling you love each other very fast when you're both probably in the first throws of the "honeymoon" phase. At best he sounds like a drip and at worst a love bombing fuckwit who'll lull you (perhaps) into a false sense of security.
You sound very immature and hung up on HIS ex when your ex is still very much in the foreground.

Or you could be another fucking troll looking for attention.
Either way......all the best 👌

HelloBunny · 02/02/2023 15:03

The ring might be a good thing, if it’s causing you to stop & think. There’s no rush. Especially, as you are at the end of a long divorce.

incidentally, it was a ring that sparked a make or break decision for me. Married now, but it could have gone the other way, too...

Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 15:03

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 02/02/2023 14:59

Sorry - that sounded WAY harsher than I meant it to.

His ex may just have been braver. It’s unusual for a relationship to end and the dumped person to be thinking “but this is amazing!”.

You need to ask why you are questioning this perfect man so much.

He did say it was sad for a day or two but he knew it was right as they had spoke about breaking up before.

I dont know, I feel silly posting here as I dont know what I am really asking.

OP posts:
Twelvekidsandcounting · 02/02/2023 15:04

AIBU to suggest that this cry for help is a basically a charade to disguise your deep rooted anxiety about your King Charles sausage fingers; I know that it's easy to shift weight off your fingers so there's no excuse to get on the finger treadmill
🤓

Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 15:07

Twelvekidsandcounting · 02/02/2023 15:04

AIBU to suggest that this cry for help is a basically a charade to disguise your deep rooted anxiety about your King Charles sausage fingers; I know that it's easy to shift weight off your fingers so there's no excuse to get on the finger treadmill
🤓

Haha, this made me smile :) Thank you

OP posts:
prefernottoday · 02/02/2023 15:09

why Is it that sausages don’t have the reputation they once had. I worked for years in a meat factory in Mexborough and we took real pride in our bangers. To besmirch the banger is unfathomable🤮🤮🌭🌭

Twelvekidsandcounting · 02/02/2023 15:13

Mexborough was the scene of a shocking late-night car crash that I had the tragic misfortune to witness - bodies everywhere (one hung on a an overhead pylon) - other than that unfortunate coincidence, I agree with your sausage sentiments - hoorah for the banger - British that is, none of your foreign muck.

Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 15:13

I texted him my concerns and he said that I dont have to wear it on my wedding finger and I dont even have to wear it everyday. He said he would be so happy if I did but he cant tell me how or where to wear a ring.

He also said he has told his parents he gave me the ring too. He said he didnt tell them it was a promise ring, as he didnt want to say he couldnt propose to me because I am married etc because I told him I'd rather he didnt tell his family any details about my divorce etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 15:14

Am I just psycho?!

OP posts:
RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 02/02/2023 15:14

Okay, OP, I think I’m starting to get it a bit.

Am I correct you moved from your parents, in with your exH? He turned out to be a knob. Now you have this guy who is - perhaps a little - freaking you out but you aren’t sure why you feel freaked out because he is - on the face of it - doing all the things you used to think you wanted when you were with the knob?

It sounds like maybe you only know the two extremes? Perhaps you’re feeling a bit suffocated by the bf as he’s laid out the life you think you should want - maybe you feel a bit ungrateful about feeling weird - but you haven’t even had a chance to recover from your exH yet.

It’s okay to want space, to want to live alone and to not want to be “pre-engaged” (!) 8 months in.

That is ALL allowed.

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 02/02/2023 15:15

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 15:14

Am I just psycho?!

Absolutely not. You are the opposite.

CalpolDependant · 02/02/2023 15:15

I was married in my early twenties to a man that sounds like your ex. He was a useless turd and had the emotional depth of a muller fruit corner.

One day, I called him out on being such a wanker. He told me he’d been cheating on me all along and then walked out on me and went back to live with his mum. We also had no kids.

My first relationship after him moved very fast and was very soon.

With no kids, you are free to do whatever suits you. Don’t feel pressured to “act married” too soon though. Is it just a ring, or is it also a red flag?

The only person I would spend £550 on, after only knowing them for 8 months, is my 8 month old daughter.

People on this website can be a bit dismissive and rude but, would you believe, we mean well. Look after yourself. If you’re not sure about this gesture, that is okay. It is okay no matter how much the ring cost.

prefernottoday · 02/02/2023 15:16

FrazzledGaal · 02/02/2023 15:14

Am I just psycho?!

Aren’t we getting a bit off topic? What about the bangers

Twelvekidsandcounting · 02/02/2023 15:16

Well you've certainly got the hands of a strangler

SingaporeSlinky · 02/02/2023 15:17

Surely an engagement is an intention to get married. So a ‘promise ring’ is what? An intention to get engaged, which is an intention to get married. It doesn’t make sense, and I agree, a bit high school.

Also, you say he makes an effort for birthdays and Christmases. Surely in 8 months you’ve only had one of each. Everyone makes an effort for the first one. Hardly a good indicator.

FayCarew · 02/02/2023 15:17

He was a useless turd and had the emotional depth of a muller fruit corner.
I think I used to go out with him

CalpolDependant · 02/02/2023 15:19

@FayCarew

I’m so sorry. My survivors group meets on Thursdays.

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