to get really angry/upset/frustrated at unwanted pregnancies?????

[sl4634]

Getting me down :-(

Me and Hubby shouldnt have had baby number one.. and he shouldnt have survived but he did!!

He's 15 months now, and we desperatley want another.. but we've been told it probably wont happen..

My doctors words were infact " you should be glad you have one,some people dont get that much" which yes i agree... but he could perhaps have put it another way lol...

Anyway.. We're tryin and tryin but to no avail... And for personal reasons, i do want my children young so time is of the essence

Lately.. i have found myself with no sympathy and even getting resentful and angry at people who fall pregnany by accident.. or say this is the worst thing that could happen to them.. and people who say they are pregnant but dont want it..

There was a girl at work this mornin talking about the fact that she might be pregnant and how she would hate it..how it was the worst thing that could happen...I literally had to go to the loo's to have a bit of a cry...

We've worked out dates, ovulations bla bla and make sure we always "try" all the way through the 7 days around ovulation LOTS lol.. Then it just seems a smack in the face when someone has a one night stand on any random day and falls pregnant....

Am i being totally unreasonable?? Because its really getting to me now!!

Plesae don't slaughter me.. this is my first "own thread" on chat!!

sorry - another thought to skidoodles post - i have phrased what i was trying to say in my first post in an awkward way.

my post makes it looks like i feel mad at young mums. not the case, i get mad to see mums smoking full stop. i mentioned 16 yr olds as i personally have only ever seen young mums smoking, though obviously there will be mums at all different ages who do it.

apologies to any young mums, or mums who had their babies young as i didn't mean to offend you.

i dont apologise at all, however for my feelings towards mums who smoke. i don't think ANYONE from any social group could claim they didn't know smoking was harmful for their babies.

surely feeling anger towards anyone doing anything to harm their own child, when you have children, or desperately want them is a natural feeling ? a feeling of 'how could they do that' ? maybe i am some sort of freak ? i assumed most people would feel this way .

I'm sorry if I have offended and certainly didn't mean that a person whose fertility is compromised will magically conceive through relaxation. I just said it doesn't help to get stressed about it. My friend was just one example, I know at least 7 friends who had various problems who had failed IVF and got pg or used clomid the first time and went on to have subsequent pregnancies without clomid etc. My friend had no tube on one side due to a ruptured ectopic pg and a blocked tube on the other side all the time she tried to conceive- IVF failed 3 times and then she got pg naturally. The only thing that changed was she wasn't stressed about it.

Not sure where the smoking fits into this debate either
I have already said I understand the op POV but as a nurse I cannot pick and choose which patients I look after and give empathy to. All I am saying is that although personally I don't always agree with terminations for certain reasons I have to get on with it. It is a patients right to choose.

Looby Please don't feel sorry for my dd. She is a very happy healthy 2.1yo with a mum who smoked whilst pg (age 30 btw). She was born at 9lb 12oz and is now 3'1' tall. Has no signs of brain damage ( 2y check revealed 'she is a very very bright child' according to the HV!) and is absolutely gorgeous! Feel free to check the pics on profile

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

i dont think its unreasonable to be resentful of people who conceive easily when you are ttc and having problems.

however,to those who have mentioned thinking it out of order for women to complain about being pregnant,i constantly complained in my last 3 pregnancies as i was suffering from ante-natal depression.it didnt mean i didnt want or love the baby,i was just ill.plus it doesnt help when most peoples' reactions to you telling them you are pregnant is to say 'oh dear,are you going to keep it?'

but alot of the time people say horrible,insensitive things without realising.if i started moaning about being pregnant to a friend and she stopped me and said 'actually,i think you are really lucky as we are trying with no sucess' i would have apologised and shut the hell up.

Looby I also forgot to say dd has no eczma, asthma or food allergies either (apparently smoking does increase these risks)

I haven't read all the posts, but..

you would probably be very resentful of me because I have 5 children. Our latest was a surprise at 43 years old- 15 years after her nearest sibling.

The first one took 18 months to conceive and we thought it would never happen. My friends all decided to have a baby and bingo they were pg, They planned to have a second- decided on an ideal gap and bingo there was number 2.

Our 2nd and 3rd took longer than our friends. Both are dyspraxic and number 3 also has ADHD. We've watched our friends with their "perfect" children and been really angry that we have 2 who have problems. Then I come on MN and there are people with profoundly disabled children who don't make half the fuss I make, and don't say "not fair", and I feel

It's very easy to get resentful about other people lives, but you only see what's on the surface. I resent that other people (including my DH) still have their father living, when mine is dead. Life isn't fair.

hi tori - i mentioned smoking briefly in my original post, not sure if you read it. it only links into this thread in that it could make people who are struggling to get pregnant get upset to see others behaving in a way that is widely regarded as risky for the foetus (hence the big warnings on the fag packets these days).

glad to hear your dd hasn't suffered from any of the health problems related to smoking when pregnant....

i'll not mention smoking again, unless anyone else does. the main focus on here seems to be about people telling struggling couples to relax - which i myself would also get majorly pissed off about were i in that situation.....

To be fair, stress about failing to concieve is sometimes a factor, but there are any number of factors that can affect fertility. And there are many assumptions dumb people make about the having and wanting of children, particularly when it comes to women. Not all women want children, not everybody who wants children can have them, and really it would be best if people just didn;t ask nosy questions about other people's family planning (to use the term in its broadest sense) in the first place. Nosy questions are never helpful: if your friends want you to know something, they will tell you.

When I struggled to conceive DD my GP pointed out that people conceive in war zones and other horrific environments so not to worry about stress.

my doctor told us to take a holiday and have lots of sex. a ridiculous amount of money and a sore fanjo later we are still waiting

seriously, just hearing "relax" is the most annoying thing in the world. i do resent people who have3 babies easily, i cant help it. and people who have difficulty concieving must resent me. the fact is, no amount of relaxing will stop me miscarrying, no amount of meditation will worrying about it, and no amount of positive affirmations will stop me being jealous of the majority of women who get pg, get fat then give birth.

lissie - are you in my head! I too accept that I'm going to have pangs of jealousy about pregnant people but also know there's friends of mine who want to get pregnant and aren't and must feel annoyed at me for getting pg twice last year.

Sentiments not helping at the moment -
at least you can get pregnant easily (2 mc later in a year doesn't feel much consolation)
well you are lucky to have DD8 (love her to death but doesn't mean I would've loved my 2nd baby any less)
relax (aggression workshop for DH's work told them recently not to tell people to calm down as that tends to make them more aggresive - don't stress/worry kind of doing the same to me at the moment.

To the OP - it's not unreasonable to have those feelings - might be slightly unreasonable to want people not to talk about things in front of you, but I can understand exactly how you feel.

When DH and I were pretty much resigned to remaining childless after our failed ICSI treatment, all I seemed to see or hear about was people getting pregnant. I worked with someone who had 3 children in quick succession without even trying. I was fine to her face but I went home and cried.

And just after our failed ICSI, another message board I used to frequent had a post entitled something like 'should I have a baby or not?' and it was some person wittering on illiterately (yes, I know it's VU to be upset about that but it just seemed the icing on the cake!) about whether they should 'get' a baby now or wait til next year when they might have lost a bit of weight (it was a diet board) - like they were immediately going to conceive and the baby was a lifestyle choice for them - to be fair, this probably wasn't what was behind the poster's thoughts but it was how it read and it just made me howl tears of absolute rage and grief that someone could take such a thing so lightly when it had taken us 8 years, thousands of pounds, squillions of tests, failed AI and failed ICSI to have precisely nothing. And I knew I was being utterly unreasonable. Didn't change the way I felt, though.

Oh, and ditto Mrs Tittlemouse and everyone else about the 'just relax' or 'just don't think about it' bollocks - NOT the most helpful thing in the world to hear!

Similarly, those of us who have had difficulties in TTC and have miraculously managed it do NOT want to hear your anecdotes about your friend's cousin's dentist who tried for years, had one by IVF and then had 4 naturally - 'once the body's used to being pregnant it comes easily' I have been told on many occasions when asked why I haven't had any more!

To the OP,
YANBU, so long as you keep it to yourself, you are being irrational.
I say this as someone who has been in the exact opposite position and has had an unwanted pg. I was irrational too, I got angry at anyone who talked about wanting more children or even dare say how cute babies were. Of course I kept it to myself because it wasn't their fault I was in the situation I was, it wasn't mine either, I had a mirena coil.
I did what I felt was right with hardly any support and was made to feel like I'd stolen someone elses chance of conceiving. The nicest name my so called best friend called me was murderer(it got a whole lot worse) and my mental health is only just recovering.
I wished I couldn't conceive so please don't think being able to get pregnant is great for everyone. It was an awful thing to happen to me and I have to live with the whole nightmarish situation forever.

It would be great if only those who wanted to conceive did, and then straight away but life just isn't like that.
I kept my mouth shut when other people said things that upset me, you should do the same