to get really angry/upset/frustrated at unwanted pregnancies?????

[sl4634]

Getting me down :-(

Me and Hubby shouldnt have had baby number one.. and he shouldnt have survived but he did!!

He's 15 months now, and we desperatley want another.. but we've been told it probably wont happen..

My doctors words were infact " you should be glad you have one,some people dont get that much" which yes i agree... but he could perhaps have put it another way lol...

Anyway.. We're tryin and tryin but to no avail... And for personal reasons, i do want my children young so time is of the essence

Lately.. i have found myself with no sympathy and even getting resentful and angry at people who fall pregnany by accident.. or say this is the worst thing that could happen to them.. and people who say they are pregnant but dont want it..

There was a girl at work this mornin talking about the fact that she might be pregnant and how she would hate it..how it was the worst thing that could happen...I literally had to go to the loo's to have a bit of a cry...

We've worked out dates, ovulations bla bla and make sure we always "try" all the way through the 7 days around ovulation LOTS lol.. Then it just seems a smack in the face when someone has a one night stand on any random day and falls pregnant....

Am i being totally unreasonable?? Because its really getting to me now!!

Plesae don't slaughter me.. this is my first "own thread" on chat!!

pistachio - I felt very much as you did. In fact I sort of assumed conceiving would be hard and take a lot of time and was taken aback when it happened straight away. I was extremely glad and grateful and I hope I haven't taken it all too much for granted, although I think my DH may have.

elliott Two people (well two couples) I'm very close to were having trouble conceiving when I got pg and I was acutely aware of the fact that my announcement might cause them pain. In one case a friend miscarried a very much longed for baby right around the time I found out I was pregnant. It was heartbreaking and I really tried to be as sensitive as I could be, but I'm not sure I succeeded.

Speaking to her recently I realised she had no idea that I had held back on telling a lot of friends until I had told her first and that I had tried my best to time telling her so she would have a chance to recover (as much as possible) from her loss before she had to process my news.

When what basically comes down to luck puts you and a close friend in a situation where one person's happy news is another's painful reminder, it is tricky to know how to behave. Some people are very hurt at the assumption that they can't be happy for you. Others genuinely can't be happy for you even though they want to.

You're quite right about how insensitive people can be though. I'm always shocked when people think it's OK to ask a couple when they're planning to have babies - the chances you're poking about in their private difficulties and pain are just way too high for it ever to be OK to carry on like that. It's like asking someone why they're single, only even more hurtful and stupid.

sl I think it would be unfair to say you were being unreasonable but I think there is a lot of sense in the view that rather than dwelling on this and judging other people's circumstances you should try to see that really it has no bearing at all on your life.

skidoodle, you sound like a very good friend and I am sure your friendships have survived these difficulties. it is really hard to know how to do the right thing - I would be the first to admit that I am not hugely skilled in giving support and sympathy to my friends. For me, I think it works best if you can be open and honest and share how you are feeling (though some people like to keep things very private and then its much harder to know if you are hitting the right mark!)
I agree that some people are much better at separating their own situation from others - dh was always quite distressed at how upset I got when friends got pregnant - he really couldn't understand why I wasn't pleased! (well I was on one level, but it got a bit crowded out by my own hurt)

im havent got a bad attitude i might say i was told from 16 i would never concieve

my attitude is just different to yours i'm not trying to upset you or appear rude you asked for advise i'm in the same boat so please dont forget that i too was lucky tio have 1 child and cuts me up to not have another

but as i said earlier i also am luckier than most other people who dont get the option to have 1 maybe i've just told myself this for so many years that it doesnt hurt so much any more

as if i didnt have 1 the pain would be so much worse at least i've experienced it when i never thought i would

the relax part is harsh but i now know 6 families who for 8 yrs or more tried decided enough was enopugh and they all have 2 childeren

just remember i'm not trying to be insensitive as i am in the same boat but just choose not to judge other people for there situations good and bad as i do feel lucky to have my ds and maybe thats why i sound harsh but please i understand fully and know what you are going through

elliot >Do you seriously think throckenholt that it is helpful to tell an infertile person that its basically their fault for trying too hard?

I didn't say that.

The OP said she was furstrated and angry at people complaining about unwanted pregnancies - when she desparately wanted another baby.

I said she was unreasonable for getting angry at the others.

And granted if you have no sperm or don't ovulate then "relaxing" is not going to help - but again the OP didn't claim those circumstances.

All I know is that sometimes it happens easily (all too easily for some) and sometimes it takes years (me included) - but stressing overly about it really doesn't help and ends up blighting your present for a potential future rather than enjoying the present you already have.

I find this one tricky actually. Because, while I totally understand the emotions of ?it?s so unfair that people who don?t want babies can pop them out whenever/wherever they want?, I also do think it?s important not to get caught up in the things we don?t/can?t have, because then it?s all to easy too lose sight of the things we do have.

And for every situation where there is someone better off than us, there is also someone worse off than us.

There is a poster on conception threads atm who I refer to quite regularly when talking about conception. She ttc her first baby for 5 years. After 5 years she fell pg and she thought her ttc nightmare had ended. She had a textbook pregnancy. Then at 40 weeks she went into labour, and as the baby descended into her pelvis the chord got wrapped round his neck and he was stillborn . She has now been ttc again for three years, she has been through 4 IUI attempts, and tomorrow she will undergo egg retrieval for her one and only IVF attempt. If this doesn?t work, she will be faced with having to come to terms with the fact she may only ever have been meant to have the one baby, but that that baby was taken away from her just hours before he was due to be born . And yet I?ve never seen her talking of how frustrated/upset/emotional she might feel when people who have one child complain about the fact they can?t have another one.

You have one child. Focus on that, because even if you are never able to conceive another one you have been lucky enough to be blessed with one.

And before I get jumped on and told I have no idea, I speak as someone who has been ttc my second child for nearly three years. Yes it is sad, but it could be a lot worse, and I am very lucky to have the one child I do have. And you are lucky too .

we go through life with our own set of worries and woes, issues and difficulties..

we should not begrudge other people their good luck or better circumstances, be it, having lots of babies easily, or effortlessly rising through the ranks to get a fantastic job, big house , etc.....

but human nature is not like that.. when you are yearning for something, particularly a child, it is hard not to feel resentful , angry or hurt by other peoples' good luck in that area or their seeming lack of appreciation for it.

it is a horrible situation to be in ,but as duchesse said earlier, someone else being pregnant is not redcuing your chances of having another baby.

i hope things work out for you and you are able to add to your family

It's not unreasonable to feel as if life is being unfair to you, but it's none of your business how other people get pregnant/dont keep the child/never wanted/whatever.

We don't know the OPs circumstances though do we?

I agree that you didn't say that it was her fault for trying too hard.
What you did say was this:
'And try to get past the urgent need for another baby - IME the more you want it the less likely it happens - and as soon as you relax and forget about it it happens (or when you least want it'

that reads to me like saying 'if you can be a bit less desperate then you are more likely to become pregnant' which I still think is both unhelpful and untrue.

I agree with your recent post, although I think that it can take a lot of time and grieving to acheive the ultimate state of resolution you describe in your last sentence. You can't always just talk yourself into not feeling upset.

In January 06 one of dp's friends had an eptopic pregnancy. There's alot more to the story that i am unsure of but she ended up having an operation to remove an ovary but instead of taking out the 'bad' ovary, they took out the 'good' one bu mistake. She ended up having no ovarys at all and so couldn't have children. She is 40 and i think they were trying for a while.

Then i February 06 i found out i was pregnant. Dp told hid friend (the husband in March or April that i was pregnant and he didn't seem all that fussed because i don't think he was all to keen on having kids anyway. But his wife, the one who had the eptopic pregnacy has kept a wide distance since probably thinking we got pregnant deliberatly (we is not true.)

The husband has been round to see the baby (now 16mths) but the wife has never seen her and has kept away. In some ways i can understand because i wouldn't even know how she must feel not being able to have children but another part of me thinks she should put her own feelings aside and be happy for us.

i guess in my mind when i was told i couldnt have children i prayed and prayed that i would get the opportunity to have just one

when i did get just one i realised i was so lucky my friend was having problems concieving as was my cousin and my prayer was answered and thats probably why i never thought to much about having more although wanted two

as i got what i asked for

i'm not saying you should be the same but just remember being stressed does affect the body so relax isnt telling you to chill out about it its to try and calm yourself as stress is high factor for all sorts of things and falling pregnant is one of them

and just beacause other people have different views does not make them insensitive it just means we all deal with things in our own way and you have asked for advise and whether we are saying what you want to hear or not its advise from individuals who have or havent been through what you are going through

who have dealt with in there own way such as i did and giving you advise to try and help relieve some of the stress to maybe help you think more positively

I think there's a lot to be said for relaxing actually. Not because it will make you fall pregnant any quicker, but because obsessing over falling pregnant won't make it happen any quicker either and in some instances bein g all consumed with the need to be pregnant isn't altogether healthy IMO.

My friend's sister has been ttc now for about two years. She spends on average £40 a month on pregnancy tests which she does from about 5 days before her period is due. It's almost as if people think that doing pregnancy tests will make them be pregnant iyswim?

And it's possible to be sad at the inability to have another child without letting it take over your life.

I used to feel the same way when I couldn't get pregnant first time round. I became very bitter. 2nd time round took ages again, and once more had to smiel through the pain of all my mates' 2nd pregnancies and questions from in-laws over when they can "expect" more good news.
YANBU.
x

I understand how you feel, sl4634.

I can't seem to get over ther fact that I lost my youngest's twin and it hurts when people complain that they are having twins and how will they cope, etc etc. I would love to have had the chance to find out and it seems like every other person in the news is having twins at the moment.

elliott >that reads to me like saying 'if you can be a bit less desperate then you are more likely to become pregnant' which I still think is both unhelpful and untrue.

I genuinely think that the stress of really wanting a baby can make conception much more difficult - it is like the body can't cope with pregnancy on top of the stress - and for many if you can remove the stress then the body goes back to doing what it should do. Obviously if there is a physical reason - eg deformed sperm then it is going to make no difference (but then stressing about it will not help either).

However - I did not mean to imply that was an automatic sequence - (even if it does read a bit like that in hindsight).

But honestly - it is a mindset - and so was the original question. If you can get yourself in to a better frame of mind about the life you have been dealt then you will be happier (- and you may also end up with another baby too).

infertility turns you into a different person, one that you dont particularly like or want to be. i would love to be able to jump for joy every time i hear of a pg friend or the birth of a baby, but i cant. i smile, tell them thats great news, but im really busy and must go. then i cry for an hour. I have ds, i'm very lucky to have him, but i dont feel that my family is complete yet, and it should be easier. i feel resentful (right or wrong) toward those who moan about being pg. I cant change that and i feel very guilty about it.

OK, here's the thing. It's true that on a logical level, the body works better if it is not stressed out of it's box. If you know someone who is stressed out about conceiving them it is really helpful to let them talk it out, so that they don't stew, or to go out with them on a fun evening, to get away from it, or to give them a massage.

However, telling someone to relax, how is that supposed to work? If you have ever been in any kind of situation and someone tells you to relax, does it help? Or does it make you feel much, much worse, because not only to you have a problem, but also you are so pathetic that you can't even relax about it!

hmmm, quite a few people are lambasting me for the last sentence i wrote. i was suggesting the op try to ignore what other people, ie those who are in situations polar opposite to hers, are saying. if she can ignore them, and their insensitive comments, then it will be better for her own emotional well being.
i'm not really sure why that has generated so much anger. true, i did have to cut the post short because the phone rang, and i had to go deal with other stuff, but rereading it, i still dont understand why some of you have reacted so strongly.

Not read all post so sorry if repeating things but, yanbu you can not help how you feel.
I am blessed with two wonderful children, DS1 was conceived on out 4th wedding anniversary and we went away for the weekend (I had been on the pill for 8 years) We were lucky because I fell pregnant, (it was the first time we had ever had un protected sex). 18 months later I wanted another child so we tried and we tried, to the point DH (who has a much higher sex drive then me ) was begging to be left alone for a night , in the end we stopped trying and just after millennium eve and after drinking 2 bottles of bubbly I realized I still had a full box of tampax in the bathroom and did a test to find to my shock (and worry after the bubbly) that we had done it and DS2 was on the way, we have a 4 year gap not a 2 year gap as I would have liked but at least we were blessed.

Give yourself a break and it might happen.
Good luck x

pukka, I presumed it was because they thought you were saying those having a termination were idiots.

Whereas I thought you were saying that they were idiots for making a big deal out of that in conversation with someone having fertility problems.

Personally I don't agree with termination, but I don't think those who have one are idiots, but I didn't think that's what you meant anyway.

yes sue, that's exactly what i was trying to say. thank you for explaining it so well. and thanks for explaining to me why they were so annoyed.

sl4634 - I have dd2 and am 6 months pregnant. As a pessemist I always imagined it would take me ages to get pregnant or there'd be problems but it was the opposite.

I imagine if I had struggled, I would have found it extremely difficult to smile and congratulate people on their happy news, so I completely understand your reaction.

However, I think it is a bit unreasonable to be cross with people who don't perhaps know your situation - like women at work ??

If I had a friend who was struggling and I knew it, I don't imagine I'd complain about being pregnant in front of her.

As some others have said, I regularly think about how lucky I am and I have a few friends who have been trying for their first for years with no success. It therefore makes me seethe when I see pregnant 16 year olds stood outside maternity wards smoking. I feel like going up and slapping their ungrateful little faces .

no, no, no let's not get into that nasty judgmental thing towards other women/mothers.

Do you really wish you were 16 and pregnant? If you had fallen pregnant at 16 would you really have felt grateful?

Those girls have hard lives most of them, benefits culture notwithstanding.

It makes me so sad to hear one pregnant woman talk about hitting another for her choices. I agree with you that smoking while pregnant is a bad choice for the foetus, but women must be allowed to make their own choices without the risk of violence from other women (or anyone else for that matter).

It's from here that you get into arguments about WOHM v. SAHM, breast v. formula where everybody uses "the child's best interests" as a way of attacking women for their choices.

Outside my work there is a pub where I regularly see young pregnant women, often with other children in prams, smoking and drinking in the early afternoon. I feel sad for them and for their children. To me they are making very poor choices. But I don't want to hit them or call them ungrateful. I'm very grateful that I'm not in their position.

Message withdrawn

Some people have trouble falling pregnant because they have a medical condition.

So, would you tell someone who had a medical condition like hypothyroidism just to relax and it'll go away/they'll lose weight?

Would you tell someone with depression just to relax and snap out of it and it would go away?

Because that's what telling someone to relax and they'll fall pregnant is like.