Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to get really angry/upset/frustrated at unwanted pregnancies?????

115 replies

sl4634 · 07/02/2008 10:11

Getting me down :-(

Me and Hubby shouldnt have had baby number one.. and he shouldnt have survived but he did!!

He's 15 months now, and we desperatley want another.. but we've been told it probably wont happen..

My doctors words were infact " you should be glad you have one,some people dont get that much" which yes i agree... but he could perhaps have put it another way lol...

Anyway.. We're tryin and tryin but to no avail... And for personal reasons, i do want my children young so time is of the essence

Lately.. i have found myself with no sympathy and even getting resentful and angry at people who fall pregnany by accident.. or say this is the worst thing that could happen to them.. and people who say they are pregnant but dont want it..

There was a girl at work this mornin talking about the fact that she might be pregnant and how she would hate it..how it was the worst thing that could happen...I literally had to go to the loo's to have a bit of a cry...

We've worked out dates, ovulations bla bla and make sure we always "try" all the way through the 7 days around ovulation LOTS lol.. Then it just seems a smack in the face when someone has a one night stand on any random day and falls pregnant....

Am i being totally unreasonable?? Because its really getting to me now!!

Plesae don't slaughter me.. this is my first "own thread" on chat!!

OP posts:

scotlass · 07/02/2008 10:41

Chequers - no not at all I'm definately not saying nursery a bad thing I probably worded that not very well (very new at this posting thing) I was saying that if you're in the situation of having lost a baby or desperately trying for one it's not unreasonable to feel "resentfull and angry" at people when they say they wish they didn't keep getting pg. I do accept people have their own situations and predicaments - just cos you feel things personally at the time i don't think is being unreasonable. I'm sure once op knew the circumstances behind peoples outbursts there would be understanding, it's just hard to hear at the time.

Probably worded this all wrong again

good luck sl4634 I hope it works out for you

elliott · 07/02/2008 10:43

I still feel slightly angry that fertile people don't appreciate their great fortune - but then I'd probably feel the same if I'd never experienced difficulties. Its sometimes hard hearing people talk casually about deciding to get pregnant or asking me if I'm going to have another without it even crossing their mind that it might not be that simple...

cory · 07/02/2008 10:44

basically, it's very difficult to find room for sympathising with other people's problem when you're in a hard place yourself

that's fine as long as you can remember that these are your private feelings, that you have to keep them to yourself (mumsnet doesn't count!)

nothing to feel guilty about, just private

hardships come to different people in different guises

somebody who is pregnant when they shouldn't may be feeling incredibly vulnerable

I remember how hurt I felt when I announced my first pregnancy at work and met with what seemed like hostile indifference from a colleague. I found out later on that he was unable to have children, so of course my pregnancy was a painful reminder. But it did still hurt, particularly as I was also feeling vulnerable but for different reasons (health concerns for myself and foetus)

I think what I'm saying is, if you can manage to enter (or pretend to enter) into other people's feelings, then that will be beneficial to everybody

if it gets too hard, a quiet cry in the loo is probably the best thing

needmorecoffee · 07/02/2008 10:44

Its not unreasoanble to feel this way. My dd was born severely brain damaged so I felt very resentful of those who didn't want kids just poppingout normal helathy babies.
It sounds like the resentment and anger is part of grieving over what you want and can't have.

DoodleToYou · 07/02/2008 10:44

Message withdrawn

LyraSilvertongue · 07/02/2008 10:44

YANBU to feel the way you do, but YABU to expect everyone to be happy about being pregnant.
BUT, if they know of your situation and then complain to you about how they don't want their baby, then that is outrageously insensitive of them.
In an ideal world only those who really want and can love babies would ever get pregnant, but the world's not fair.
I really hope it happens for you soon

MAMAZON · 07/02/2008 10:45

YANBU to get upset.

YABU if you think people shouln't have strong reactions to an unexpected pregnancy that may not be entirely positive though.

its a bit like me saying im poor and its not fair that the guy who won the lottery waste's his money.

whilst we know how WE would be in their situation people react very differently and have different priorities.

i wish you the very best of luck in TTC.

Chequers · 07/02/2008 10:45

Message withdrawn

throckenholt · 07/02/2008 10:46

you are being unreasonable - other peoples llives and priorities are different from yours - it doesn't make them better or worse.

You need to focus on your own life - because that is the only one that matters to you really.

And try to get past the urgent need for another baby - IME the more you want it the less likely it happens - and as soon as you relax and forget about it it happens (or when you least want it - hence the "unwanted" pregnancy).

Enjoy what you have now.

Chequers · 07/02/2008 10:48

Message withdrawn

MAMAZON · 07/02/2008 10:50

I am the eldest of 10 children. my sister died at birth.

my mum was constantly being told that "its ok, at least you have the other 9" as if it didn't hurt that her child had died as she already had so many of us.

she found it particularly upsetting that people assumed that since you already have children subsequant children don't mean as much.

i know its totally different circs but it was just that i agree with you about the "well your lucky, you already have DC" comment

frostymorning · 07/02/2008 10:51

I understand how you feel. I had 2 mc and out of my circle of close friends 3 of them said they had 'accidental' pregnancies that they moaned about all of the time until their dc were born and I found this very difficult to listen to because I was so desperate for another baby. The reason that I've put the accidental in ' ' is because they were all 3 regularly announcing that they'd had unprotected intercourse that month and what would their husband say if they announced they were pregnant? This always made me think that they were trying accidentally on purpose because their dh was reluctant to have more children. Try to remember that they are being insensitive if they are aware of your problems and that their pregnancy does not affect your changes of having one - it's not the case that there are only x number of pregnancies to go around each year and if they have one then you won't. I hope that you get what you want very soon.

pistachio · 07/02/2008 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elliott · 07/02/2008 10:51

Unehlpful and also untrue. Do you seriously think throckenholt that it is helpful to tell an infertile person that its basically their fault for trying too hard? The desire to have children is not something you can just rationalise away and pretend isn't important to you. If your husband hasn't got any sperm or you don't ovulate, 'relaxing' is going to get you precisely nowhere.

OracleInaCoracle · 07/02/2008 10:52

By duchesse on Thu 07-Feb-08 10:41:06
Only people who are crassly insensitive or have never had trouble trying to conceive would tell someone to "just relax". Put simply, it's trite shite.

We could all if pushed quote some anecdotal evidence about what worked for someone we know, but the plural of anecdote is not data, nor is the experience of one person also the experience of another.

hear hear. im so sick of hearing anecdotes about women who have several mc's then "stop trying" and have a football team within 5y. just because mrs bloggs had that life, doesnt mean everyone will.

elliott · 07/02/2008 10:53

pistachio I did over generalise there - I'm sure a lot of people are thankful. But quite a lot do take it for granted - quite understandably if their own experience is that they fall pg very easily. I realise my anger is irrational, but I still recognise that its there

scotlass · 07/02/2008 10:54

hear hear elliot and lissielou.

squilly · 07/02/2008 10:55

I was incredibly relaxed for most of the 6 years I was trying for my DD and it didn't achieve miracles. I had 3 pgs in that time and 3 miscarriages and I'm thankful every day for the way things turned out eventually.

I think most people with a hint of compassion could relate to the way the OP feels in this situation. It's true, you can't judge other people for finding themselves pg when they don't want to be or when it doesn't suit, but the irony of it all will hit you from time to time like a ton of bricks.

I still feel a little resentful occasionally when I see a mum who doesn't seem to be very loving popping out a third or fourth child. It's just something you have to deal with at the time (the cry in the loos is probably my first option) and then you have to just put it to the back of your mind, muster up all your strength and carry on.

I pray you'll get what you want, that much wanted second child. If you don't and you end up like me, with just the one, try not to let the sadness eat you up.

MrsTittleMouse · 07/02/2008 11:00

bubblagirl - I went to see a counsellor who had the same attitude as you. She told me that the reason why I wasn't getting pregnant was because I was too concerned with "keeping control" of my life and not letting myself get pregnant. Then I had to deal with the pain of not conceiving AND the guilt that it was all my own fault.
A few month's later, I finally persuaded the doctor to have us tested. The results were that we had 0% chance of conceiving naturally. Not one of those "it's very unlikely, 1 in 100" things where we could get lucky, but NO chance. All that guilt and stress for nothing.

Anyway, back to sl4634 - I can completely understand your feelings - I felt the same way too. It's very hurtful when people can conceive at the drop of a hat when you can't. As long as you keep those feeling private and just rant a bit to your DH, BF (or on here ), then I don't see a problem. If you've reached the stage where you're shouting at the girl in work, then I think that you might need a bit of help! I eventually found a fantastic counsellor who specialised in infertility and really helped us through the treatment - it might be worth a go.

SueBaroo · 07/02/2008 11:03

I don't think you're unreasonable, and you have my deep sympathies.

I recall being in hospital, losing another child, and the woman in the bed opposite was having a termination, and it was utterly hellish. Completely visceral emotional reaction, and not one I would wish on anyone.

lucyellensmum · 07/02/2008 11:05

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have had two "unwanted" as in, totally out of the blue pregnancies. Totally at the wrong time in my life, both of them. However once i got over the "oh my god, i'm pregnant, wtf am i going to do stage" (termination never an option for me) i was as pleased and excited as the most pleased and excited pregnant woman there ever was I have to wonderful but very different girls and i thank God for them. I do think that people do talk like this with an unplanned pregnancy though, because it is such a big deal and does take some getting used to, in short, its a blardy shock. Hopefully soon the girl at work will be showing off her scan pics, as proud as i was.

I remember feeling so guilty once, a friend of mine, desperate for a baby, its all she has ever lived for. Finally got pregnant and had two miscarraiges in quick succession. I felt angry on her behalf for the same reason you do. It just seems so unfair. She is now 25 weeks pregnant and its going well, thank God.

The only tongue in cheek advice i can give to someone in your position is, get a dog!!! Ive known more than one couple desperate to concieve, failed IVF - gave up, got a dog - pregnant before the dog was even house trained .

Of course you must be thankful for what you have, i am sure you are, we all are. But it is perfectly natural to yearn for another child. I can only wish the best for you all. I DEFINATELY do not want another child, it would be wrong for our family, and i am as certain as i can be, that it wont happen - but even though i really dont want one, it doesnt stop me from feeling sad that i will never be pregnant or have my own little baby ever again Just a twinge of sadness, because i look at what i have and i'm thankful.

Don't feel bad

YANBU and anyone who says you are, is!!! You cann't help feeling like this, its perfectly understandable.

izzybiz · 07/02/2008 11:06

"I still feel slightly angry that fertile people don't appreciate their great fortune"

I have been pregnant 4 times, I fall pregnant very easily, and I appreciate that every day.

One of my best friends has just suffered an ectopic pregnancy, losing her ovary and tube, and nearly her life.
I then had to tell her about a week or two later that I'm pregnant again, I was really worried about telling her and hurting her after what she has been through, she was great about it.

Please don't tar all people with the same brush.

elliott · 07/02/2008 11:07

please see later post. I should have inserted the word 'some'.

izzybiz · 07/02/2008 11:08

Ok, thanks

GetOrfMoiLand · 07/02/2008 11:09

pukkapatch - your comment about idiots talking about termination was out of order. How fucking ignorant.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5