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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get really angry/upset/frustrated at unwanted pregnancies?????

115 replies

sl4634 · 07/02/2008 10:11

Getting me down :-(

Me and Hubby shouldnt have had baby number one.. and he shouldnt have survived but he did!!

He's 15 months now, and we desperatley want another.. but we've been told it probably wont happen..

My doctors words were infact " you should be glad you have one,some people dont get that much" which yes i agree... but he could perhaps have put it another way lol...

Anyway.. We're tryin and tryin but to no avail... And for personal reasons, i do want my children young so time is of the essence

Lately.. i have found myself with no sympathy and even getting resentful and angry at people who fall pregnany by accident.. or say this is the worst thing that could happen to them.. and people who say they are pregnant but dont want it..

There was a girl at work this mornin talking about the fact that she might be pregnant and how she would hate it..how it was the worst thing that could happen...I literally had to go to the loo's to have a bit of a cry...

We've worked out dates, ovulations bla bla and make sure we always "try" all the way through the 7 days around ovulation LOTS lol.. Then it just seems a smack in the face when someone has a one night stand on any random day and falls pregnant....

Am i being totally unreasonable?? Because its really getting to me now!!

Plesae don't slaughter me.. this is my first "own thread" on chat!!

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 07/02/2008 18:37

it was explained earlier that the relax thing wasnt about saying as a chill out about it attitude

its a way of saying try not to stress your self to much as your body reacts differently under stress not saying oh you'll fall pregnant if you do

and also said that dont get angry at people for trying to help bring a positive attitude as nothing ever goes right with a negative one

even if op doesnt fall pregnant by relaxing she casn enjoy her time with the ds she already has instead of focusing on having another

when there are many people who would love one

and before anyone gets angry with me i too suffer with fertility and yes would love another but feel blessed to have my ds as i know how lucky i am

considering lots of people struggling to get what we have

so dont take affence to the relax it annoys me when people are trying to be nice and give positive feelings and understanding and always percieved wrong

you can either stress your self out every day or learn to live each day enjoying what you have and relaxing your mind so that your not sending your body into turmoil everyone knows what stress related things do to your body and generally not falling pregnant can be one of them as well as other health related issues and she does have another young son to take care of

Pruners · 07/02/2008 18:40

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expatinscotland · 07/02/2008 18:44

Exactly, Pruni!

Sorry, cross posted with you.

When you have a friend or someone you care about, try being supportive, not ramming your idea of what's 'positive' down their throats.

And no, I haven't had fertility problems.

Pruners · 07/02/2008 18:45

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Pruners · 07/02/2008 18:46

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expatinscotland · 07/02/2008 18:47

Oh, dearie me. When you have some medical conditions it doesn't matter at all if you are stressed or not. You will NOT fall pregnant if you: have no Fallopian tubes, have had certain forms of cancer, etc. Their body being in turmoil or a state of zen will make NO difference at all.

And since unless someone knows that about you, saying someething like 'relax' is just stupid, not positive.

As if that thread about bitterness and emotions causing cancer wasn't enough . . .

bubblagirl · 07/02/2008 18:47

i except that i was told from age of 16 would need hysterectomy

gp put this off because my age and was put on meds for yrs instead was told all the time to relax hated it

but i have ds and so does op but many other people dont have 1 dc

and my neighbour tried yrs and yrs they eventually decided to give up focused on moving to australia and fell pregnant

so we all have heard of someone or know someone with a story like this and just trying to get op to stop stressing herself

as stress can do terrible things to your body and she has young son to look after

i wouldnt know any other way politely to say stop stressing about it you have ds enjoy him we use words that seem to sound ok without intending to be patronising

but obviously i fully understand her situation and would love for it to not be the be all and end all when her ds needs her she is making everyone elses situation her problem this is not going to help her either

MrsMattie · 07/02/2008 18:48

To the OP: I had a m/c last year - a much wanted pregnancy - so I can sympathise, and I certainly wouldn't say YABU for having the feelings you do. However, people go through very different things at different times in their lives. It is human to feel resentful in your situation but it probably isn't healthy to let those feelings carry you away, iyswim.

bubblagirl · 07/02/2008 18:50

right i'm off not feeling well scare di'll say something to piss someone right off just leave it as not good way of wording were all aware now

so apologies to anyone affended to the relax words

but i do fully heart felt feel for op as am in same boat but i just guess i'm not as desperate for another child as her so i do feel for her

but maybe i dont want to try incase i then end up in same way of thinking i want to enjoy my ds

Pruners · 07/02/2008 18:51

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skidoodle · 07/02/2008 18:53

@expat

"Would you tell someone with depression just to relax and snap out of it and it would go away?"

I have the impression that it's quite a common response unfortunately.

OracleInaCoracle · 07/02/2008 19:04

pruners, i tend to tell those who ask me when we're "planning on another" - well we had sex last night, i stuck my bum in the air for 45 minutes and my cervical mucus was a great consistancy, so you'll bew the first to know, maybe this month i'll get a sticky one. 8th time lucky eh?

or, if im feeling really uncharitable i tell them exactly whats happened to us. shames them into shutting up!

DoodleToYou · 07/02/2008 19:07

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squilly · 07/02/2008 19:40

lissielou...I like the cut of your jib. I may have to borrow that idea and tailor it for my own cirucmstances.

People do insist on asking that kind of question, even when they know your history sometimes. I've had 4 Miscarriages, 3 BC (before Caitlin) and one after.

Child bearing is so often taken for granted...I certainly thought it would be easy til I got to my 30's and I would never have given infertility a thought if it hadn't happened to me.

Give the OP a break...infertility is an emotional thing. Your reaction to stuff that happens isn't logical and PMT can turn a simple situation into a godawful nightmare.

pukkapatch · 07/02/2008 19:41

doodle. i meant people talking about wantin gterminations in front of someone who is so desperatly trying to get pregnant, they are insensitive clods, or idiots.
people have terminations for all sorts of reasons. whilst i personally dont agree with them, they are a very necessary fact of life in sooo many situations. but to discuss them in a trite manneer in front of someone like the op, or my sister is nasty.

SueBaroo · 07/02/2008 19:53

Glad I understood, pukka. And I agree with you - the woman I met when my own baby was dying was loudly vocal about how relieved she was to having her procedure. I was just quietly sobbing my heart out in the corner, wishing she could transfer her baby to me. Completely irrational, but that's fertility for you.

Pruners · 07/02/2008 20:16

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Looby34 · 07/02/2008 20:18

skidoodle - just to clarify, I wouldn't ACTUALLY go and hit anyone for their 'choices'. I was trying to stress the point that I know I would feel like doing that if I was in some of my friends positions. In fact I feel so angry when I see people like this that even though I'm not in my friends positions, I STILL feel like doing it.

I apologise if that offends you but surely I am entitled to express my feelings ? At least it isn't doing anyone damage in the way that smoking or drinking while pregnant can.

i certainly feel sorry for their children, but no - not for them. sorry.

tori32 · 07/02/2008 20:29

I can understand your POV. As a nurse I worked in operating theatres, sometimes in gyneacology day surgery, where I had to set up/scrub for terminations when DH and I were trying to concieve. I managed to not resent the person by imagining myself before I wanted a baby i.e. during my nurse training, RAF basic training etc, which would have been the worst possible time for me to get pregnant IYSWIM and how I would have felt if I had got pg at that time (also not in a long term relationship.)
The point is everyone has their reasons for not wanting to be pregnant or wanting a baby and usually both are valid.
I did get upset when peoples notes say TOP x4 in their history .
In my mind 1 is a mistake and can happen to anyone, 2 is careless and 3 is using termination instead of contraception which I find disgusting

The moral here is to try to put yourself in their shoes because everyone has choices to make.

tori32 · 07/02/2008 20:35

I do agree that if you are trying to conceive it sometimes stresses you out so much and it actually makes things more difficult.
My friend had 3 failed IVF attempts and her and her DH decided to adopt so stopped 'trying'. Within months of a child being placed with them she fell pg and had her DS. She then fell pg naturally again but unfortunately mc. Stress affects hormonal balance and therefore conception.

expatinscotland · 07/02/2008 20:39

yes, but tori, the problem i have with people telling others who are trying to conceive 'just relax' and that stress will affect them is that some of them, and indeed some on this board, have medical problems in which their stress hormone levels will make no difference at all to their chances of conception.

and some who suffer recurrent miscarriage or ectopic. again, there's something deeper going on.

so it's just unsolicited and unwanted advice.

and for every one of those stories about people who gave up ttc and then fell pregnant, there is at least one, and i can actually think of more than that just on this board, where the couple did not fall pregnant, never did and became parents through adoption.

Pruners · 07/02/2008 20:53

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UniversallyChallenged · 07/02/2008 20:56

If relaxing helped you to get pregnant then surely the converse is true - that being stressed stops you getting pregnant. How do people in bad/abusive marriages get pregnant then? Cant think of much more stressful situation than being forced to have sex .Or women in other countries who are starving or homeless? Their stress levels must be through the roof but pregnancies still happen

Dont think your state of mind makes one iota of difference tbh and it saddens me when it comes across that it's your fault your not preg because your anxious

expatinscotland · 07/02/2008 20:56

Why then, do women still fall pregnant as a result of rape, during times of war or famine, right after they're suffered huge personal loss or gone through a natural disaster, etc. if stress has such a big effect on conception?

expatinscotland · 07/02/2008 20:57

Snap, UC!