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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a heartless wife or is dh milking it?

288 replies

AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:15

Following on from the dressing gown of doom thread which was hilarious, I need your opinion! AIBU to be immensely irritated by dh laying around after his vasectomy? Don't get me wrong i have been incredibly senstive to how he will.be feeling etc and he hasn't had to lift a finger. It has been 3 days though now of me running around after him, our dcs, cleaning the house and doing the school runs. He doesn't even get up to make a cup of tea, i told him to put the kettle on and he looked put out! He is waddling around like a lost duckling (that is of course when he chooses to get up which is rarely!) Is this normal?
The new kind of surgery is keyhole and no stitches, just a plaster. I realise there is a little swelling and dull aches etc but I didn't get to rest after birthing two babies, and having stitches too, life went on. He haa checked the area and it isn't infected or anything. I have been very supportive for 3 days but feel he should at least be doing some light activities by now. He is laying around playing computer games, I am probably insensitive but it is irritating me! AIBU?

OP posts:
threecupsofteaminimum · 02/02/2023 18:17

My ex had a vasectomy, he literally didn't even mention it, just got back on with life, the only thing he mentioned was that he had to er, have a few 'releases' to ensure he was completely seed free!

Your dh sounds seriously annoying!

2bazookas · 02/02/2023 18:20

My DH was quite tender the day he got done.
DS ditto. They were both back at work the next day

GUARDIAN1 · 02/02/2023 18:20

SafeMove · 01/02/2023 17:21

I am 6 days post op total hysterectomy that took 4 hours under GA as endo adhered womb to bowel and had 20 fibroids removed and my womb was 150g. Today I have washed up, made breakfast, been to the coop, made lunch for me and DC, lit a fire, washed up and dried up and painted a blackboard. Your DH is taking the mick love!

I'm pretty sure this isn't a good idea so soon after your surgery. Take care of yourself

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 02/02/2023 18:34

yes, he’s milking it - does he know what an unattractive take that is?! My husband went mountain biking two days later, it was me trying to stop him! I’d don’t think I’d be putting up with that, time to have a friend with an emergency and leave him to it

Murdoch1949 · 02/02/2023 18:58

Husband had vasectomy in the morning, we all went shopping in the afternoon.

ReindeerBelieve · 02/02/2023 19:01

Milking it big time

Not an attractive look on a chap - if he is well enough to play computer games definitely well enough to make tea etc

Heyhoitsme · 02/02/2023 19:03

A family member had one and the pain was excruciating. He was convinced it had gone wrong. I guess it's different for each man.

JosephFrancis · 02/02/2023 19:14

I'll add a cautionary tale.

My DH had one on the 21st December a few years ago, and by Christmas Day he was still in bed icing his balls and sounding like he was fatally injured every time he had to move. Genuinely. He spent almost all of Christmas Day in bed gasping and weakly calling out for drinks and I was fucking RAGING. I was told it was such a bit of nothing as far as the procedure and recovery were concerned and there were never any issues. So I did think he was taking the absolute piss and to lay there moaning like a Victorian soldier with a cannon injury on Christmas Day was a step too far and I told him he needed to get his arse to urgent care on Boxing Day if it was so dreadful. He did. Well, I did. He couldn't drive. They had to come and get him in a wheelchair because he refused to get out of the car on foot. And there was I, holding his hand but feeling critically embarrassed because it was just a vasectomy and he was acting a damn fool.

But.

They got him in for an examination and a quick scan, which he promptly vomited on the floor for after they pushed the little sonography probe against his sack. He'd had a bleed which had turned into a rock hard haematoma crushing his vas deferens and a gland just behind the testicles.

So sometimes, they really are in pain with it.

slimjim78 · 02/02/2023 19:19

I'm a man, I had a vasectomy in 2014, he's totally milking it. By all means milk it a bit the same day and the morning after, but it's nothing to what my wife went through giving birth a few times. It's only a dull ache and a bit of discomfort...wuss.

Bleachmycloths · 02/02/2023 19:19

What a big soft tart 😀. I feel for you. Some men are a giant PITA.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/02/2023 19:20

Tell him that you’re really worried as the amount of discomfort he’s suffering is not normal and he needs to go to A&E for a 14 hour wait.

Littleladygeorge · 02/02/2023 20:11

My hubby had a vasectomy, even with a small infection he just dosed up on painkillers and still got on with it. Obviously some people have lower pain thresholds but yes he should be walking around and doing things in the house by now. Hospitals like people to mobilise as soon as possible after operations (obviously if they can) so that complications don’t arise. Tell your hubby to man up

ChrisConary · 02/02/2023 20:49

He is milking it, exaggerating the physical discomfort. His real problem and discomfort may be emotional and psychological. He may feel unmanned, neutered, and less than he was before surgery.

Original poster
AmillionReasons · 02/02/2023 21:17

Oh my goodness @JosephFrancis that sounds horrendous! I won't let dh read that or he'll be telling me it is that. That would have been really scary!

OP posts:
Original poster
AmillionReasons · 02/02/2023 21:19

Just a little update. Dh has managed light activity today, pottering to shops with me. I did school runs etc as this was too much for him apparently. He tells me he can walk but not too fast and not too far. After we got back he told me he needs to rest. I bathed the dcs as be couldn't manage it. He is currently sat legs wide on sofa icing his balls (which he tells me are still swollen.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmillionReasons · 02/02/2023 21:23

When I told him we are nearing day 4 he told me "everybody deals with things differently." The line that I'm finding highly irritating is when he says "it's not painful it just feels weird." Operative word weird!! He still give a bit of a groan and wounded look when gets up 'slowly and dramatically.' I agree with a pp, dh could definately double for Paul on Motherland.

OP posts:
SuperSonicMonic · 02/02/2023 21:26

@MavisMcMinty He had or she had?

Original poster
AmillionReasons · 02/02/2023 21:27

@ChrisConary I think you're right, I do think dh may be feeling that way. My sympathy is running out though. I even told him that i never thought he was more of a man, than he is right now after he had it done! He is still moping around.

OP posts:
BankOfDave · 02/02/2023 21:28

SafeMove · 01/02/2023 17:21

I am 6 days post op total hysterectomy that took 4 hours under GA as endo adhered womb to bowel and had 20 fibroids removed and my womb was 150g. Today I have washed up, made breakfast, been to the coop, made lunch for me and DC, lit a fire, washed up and dried up and painted a blackboard. Your DH is taking the mick love!

Wow! That’s a heck of a surgery. Wishing you a speedy recovery 💪

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2023 21:33

Honestly, sit him down with a cuppa.
'Mate, I know it feels weird, it's an adjustment. But are t you a bit embarrassed to be doing the dying swan in front of a woman who carried moving canon balls internally for several months, then heaved them out by sheer brute force? And still managed to get on with looking after a new born?'

Original poster
AmillionReasons · 02/02/2023 21:36

Exactly @picklemewalnuts I have told him similar and he tells me it isn't a competition. He got angry at me and told me he isn't me! He parrots out the NHS advice of a weeks no lifting, no this no that blah blahdy blah. Then tell me there is swelling still, he is finding it weird! Honestly if I hear "weird" one more time he'll have more than swollen balls to worry about 😂

OP posts:
Girlgift97 · 02/02/2023 21:36

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2023 21:33

Honestly, sit him down with a cuppa.
'Mate, I know it feels weird, it's an adjustment. But are t you a bit embarrassed to be doing the dying swan in front of a woman who carried moving canon balls internally for several months, then heaved them out by sheer brute force? And still managed to get on with looking after a new born?'

I like you! You've nailed it!

Original poster
AmillionReasons · 02/02/2023 21:39

Oh sorry I said that wrong, it is 2 weeks he said he can't lift for.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2023 21:39

Hmm. Good thing it's not a competition as he's not a winner. Whiner perhaps

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2023 21:41

I think I'd have a terrible headache and need to go to bed for a few days. It's the anxiety. You've been so worried about him.

Actually sod that. Send him to his mothers as he's too irritating for words and you're seriously turned off and would like to still have a marriage when he gets round to recovering.

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