Am I a heartless wife or is dh milking it?

[AmillionReasons]

Following on from the dressing gown of doom thread which was hilarious, I need your opinion! AIBU to be immensely irritated by dh laying around after his vasectomy? Don't get me wrong i have been incredibly senstive to how he will.be feeling etc and he hasn't had to lift a finger. It has been 3 days though now of me running around after him, our dcs, cleaning the house and doing the school runs. He doesn't even get up to make a cup of tea, i told him to put the kettle on and he looked put out! He is waddling around like a lost duckling (that is of course when he chooses to get up which is rarely!) Is this normal?
The new kind of surgery is keyhole and no stitches, just a plaster. I realise there is a little swelling and dull aches etc but I didn't get to rest after birthing two babies, and having stitches too, life went on. He haa checked the area and it isn't infected or anything. I have been very supportive for 3 days but feel he should at least be doing some light activities by now. He is laying around playing computer games, I am probably insensitive but it is irritating me! AIBU?

After such a minor key hole surgery I should have said.

And no stitches required

I have also realised I don't think dh honestly thinks he is milking it, he just feels so incredibly sorry for himself. He is textbook with recovery, and what he can and cannot do. His attitude i find extremely unattractive. I appreciate some will think I'm at fault. I gave him so much sympathy and looked after him for the first couple of days (i wish somebody would have looked after me that way at any stage of my adult life). He seemed so ungrateful, then the sympathy ran out.

The longer it is going on the lazier he seems to be becoming. Sorry for all of the messages but i feel upset. I've gone upstairs and left him with the dcs.

Wow. I really thought he would have pulled himself together by now. This is absolutely pathetic. It’s such a minor procedure.

I think now you’ve just got to entirely ignore it. Make no acknowledgement of it at all and just L eave him a list of jobs. If he didn’t do them, let them back up until he’s inconvenienced by it. I’ll be curious to see how long he will get to strong this out.

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What on earth does he think is going to happen if he lifts a 10 lb weight a week after minor surgery? He can't seriously believe everything is going to burst open?

Sounds like time for an ultimatum - either go to the GP or start acting like a normal human being.

Dh was like this the 1st 2 days couldn't work as manual and heavy lifting.
He was very swollen. I didn't believe him. He showed me well lets just they were huge.
Took 3 weeks for it to go down.
Even 2 months after swelling went down there wqw lumps from incisions.
But after a week he was back at work doing manual heavy work.

That's the thing I told dh when they say heavy lifting they mean heavy. I asked him.where he say 8-10 pounds and he doesn't remember. The NHS are quite blasé when it comes to the actual weight limit. I researched it and it said:

'Lift only 15 pounds or less for the first 48 hours, and less than 50 pounds for the first week. If in doubt, don't do it!17 Dec 2021'

I sent him it for reference.

I should say though he stilk did stuff with the kids, school runs etc after the 1st day.
His took 75 mins to do. Lots of digging around which could be why was so battered

He also believes he is acting like a normal human being!

Yes its vague.
When i say heavy lifting im talking 30 /40kg of stuff.

I've told him to ring the clinic he had it done at or the GP on Monday. He is backtracking now saying it's normal and it does last over 3 months then there may be issue etc. I've told him he goes to GP for alot more minor things, so with such an important area he needs to speak to them.

Just get your shoes and coat on. Open door. Walk out. Return afyerbed routine haha

Retired nurse here too, zero sympathy for malingering men.
He’s milking it.
How do you stop yourself from giving him a kick up the bum?!

I would tell him the way he is acting is not normal after this procedure and that he should see a doctor as everyone else you have spoken to were up and about same/next day. If he’s milking it that should hopefully dent is ego and make him man up a bit. If he’s genuinely suffering as much as he makes out then maybe he should actually see the doctor

I've told him to stop bloody looking at the NHS leaflet. He is obsessed and only refers to that. I have told him it is so vague and as we have discovered he has already got the amount or weight and time limits wrong. He now tells me another post op leaflet is in there. I told him it is a week on Monday, and it isn't normal. I told him if he is in the small percentage of men with a complication than he needs it checked. Suddenly he is downplaying it and can put the bin out. I think he knows if he goes to the GP with this he will be sent packing.
He has said he has a bruise on one side where the tube was alittle harder to find. Does anybody know if this can cause what he has been experiencing?

He seems to think he is not complaining and doing light activity, and has been acting normal, the delusion is unsettling.

Sorry I can't help because I'd be incandescent with rage.

Suggest counselling for his health anxiety, and tell him he's putting you under unreasonable pressure.

Thank you, I know I was so irritated i shouted at him this morning, I just got to the end of my tether with the bin disagreement, seeing him sitting on his bum at table with the dcs which was full of dishes after the breakfast i had made. I was hoovering, cleaning benches, emptying bin etc.

I've told him it is either a complication, mental block or both, and he is to speak to doctor on Monday.

Now he says "pain isn't bad though, just annoying more than anything" and that the "leaflet says it resolves itself in afew weeks" and "will ring if bad on Monday;" (I'd put a bet on that he will be miraculously fine on Monday). 😡

He will "Give a chance with a bit looser pants and room in there for everything to breath. Get some more anti inflammatory and ice etc on it. Still the same Monday I will give a ring.".

I'm just baffled at this point. I wonder if a Vasectomy has ever caused a divorce 😂

Excellent. He basically knows he's ok then. So he can crack on.

Make light hearted jokes about the 'boxers of doom'

I've had to point out to DH that he malingers. He genuinely didn't realise that feeling queasy because someone else has a bug is just a psychological thing, and can generally be ignored until it gets more dramatic. He's extremely cautious about possible illness.

That said, when he's actually ill he does it properly. Takes to his bed and sleeps for two days.

I can always tell- he's far more prone to psychological stuff at the weekend. Never misses work unless he's at death's door.

My ex had a really bad time after his vasectomy, his bollocks were like oranges and they were black. He was still up and moving around after a few days.

At this point I’d have to just ignore him and let him get on with it.
my ex husband did this all the time….
he’d go to work (so wasn't that sick) but at home would nope around saying he had flu, would go to bed feeling sorry for himself but still get up the next day for work!!
I took him to the doctors once as he was so unwell and said he had tonsillitis, doctor looked in his mouth and said his throat was mildly sore but not tonsillitis… she did look at me in a way that made me chuckle… some men are just big babies when they’re sick.
I never mocked him when he was ‘unwell’ but just left him to it… never took the p155 but also never fussed over him. I usually did the bins etc so never needed anything from him anyway, so just left him wallowing… we would just get up and go out leaving him to it.
look on the bright side he won’t need it doing again… so just put up with the big man baby, but maybe tell him next time you’re sick you expect him to do EVERYTHING.. bet he’ll suddenly feel better 😂