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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a heartless wife or is dh milking it?

288 replies

AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:15

Following on from the dressing gown of doom thread which was hilarious, I need your opinion! AIBU to be immensely irritated by dh laying around after his vasectomy? Don't get me wrong i have been incredibly senstive to how he will.be feeling etc and he hasn't had to lift a finger. It has been 3 days though now of me running around after him, our dcs, cleaning the house and doing the school runs. He doesn't even get up to make a cup of tea, i told him to put the kettle on and he looked put out! He is waddling around like a lost duckling (that is of course when he chooses to get up which is rarely!) Is this normal?
The new kind of surgery is keyhole and no stitches, just a plaster. I realise there is a little swelling and dull aches etc but I didn't get to rest after birthing two babies, and having stitches too, life went on. He haa checked the area and it isn't infected or anything. I have been very supportive for 3 days but feel he should at least be doing some light activities by now. He is laying around playing computer games, I am probably insensitive but it is irritating me! AIBU?

OP posts:
UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 01/02/2023 22:49

PS don't Google the images yourself unless you have a strong constitution!

Jellybean23 · 01/02/2023 23:07

My husband walked home after his vasectomy, took two paracetamol later on and walked around gingerly the next day. Otherwise, he behaved normally and didn't whinge or feel sorry for himself. Did the usual chores at home.

nailsathome · 01/02/2023 23:30

My husband was in pain for quite some time after his. It doesn't always go as smoothly for some men as for others.

londonmummy1966 · 01/02/2023 23:33

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 01/02/2023 22:46

Surgeon (though no longer operating) here.

He's being a wet lettuce. The vasectomy is just cutting out a small piece of the vas deferens, hence the name vasectomy, which is the tube connecting his testicles to the urethra, so he needs to stop acting like they've cut his balls off. The vas can easily be felt just under the skin so it's a tiny incision, very little actual cutting and just a couple of clips and stitches inside, nothing else. I've had deeper paper cuts than some of the vasectomy incisions. There's absolutely nothing that can or will be damaged by lifting, walking, running or any other activity. Nothing.

If you want to be cruel/have a little fun, say you're worried that if it's that painful, it might've got infected, you've heard that a badly infected scrotal wound can lead to a disease called Fournier's gangrene (gangrene of scrotum and penis), and the only treatment to save his life is to cut his cock and balls off, so you'd better take him to A&E. Then tell him to Google some pictures of it... 😂I know that'd be really really cruel, but it'd be so funny!

Brilliant!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/02/2023 04:06

WheelOfFish · 01/02/2023 18:58

1 in 10 have pain and discomfort that lasts for over 7 days and for some it never goes away. Given that he’s presumably stepped up and taken the responsibility for contraception, some of the comments here are a bit out of order, even if he is milking it a bit.

Be that as it may, he can still do some stuff for himself. I spent 4 nights in hospital, 3 post total hysterectomy, had an 8 inch lateral cut (so far more invasive than a c section horizontal) from my pubic bone past my belly button and could make myself a drink after discharge. I was on morphine and 30/500 cocodamol.

Poppins2016 · 02/02/2023 05:04

I would say definitely milking it.

I would also say, for balance, that people do react to pain differently. I tore twice giving birth (second degree, with stitches and then first degree, no stitches but it did get infected a couple of days later) and the midwives all expressed surprise at the amount of pain I said I was in due to the wounds. I really struggled to do anything other than lie or sit down until the wounds had healed. Having said that, I did get on with things regardless (carefully and taking as many breaks as possible to sit down), as there was no other choice!

For comparison purposes, I've had laparoscopic surgery to remove endometriosis (was signed off for a week and told not to lift anything heavier than a partially filled kettle) and got to 9/10 cm dilated on my own with both births (no midwives or gas and air) and found all of those things like a walk in the park and much easier to deal with than walking around/'getting on with things' while recovering from a torn perineum (I'd honestly vote to go through labour pain again vs another perineal tear).

Anyhow... I 100% agree with previous posters. Men expect women to just get on with things post surgery, birth, illness, etc. so they should be held to the same standard. That or we all get a 5 star hotel and special treatment! 😁

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/02/2023 05:11

He's totally milking it. So to speak.

Flatandhappy · 02/02/2023 05:21

Absolutely milking it, I would have zero sympathy. DH had his vasectomy two weeks after I had given birth to DD which was great timing as he didn’t dare complain about his minor day surgery 😁To be fair he took the rest of the afternoon off and was back at work the next day.

Maray1967 · 02/02/2023 06:56

AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:23

Yes he has the full week off work, and says when he goes back next week he will "have to work from home for the week." The sheer thought of this act going on the whole week. 😡 He tells me there are aches and he can feel it inside, and that it hurt him to go to the toilet! I know I sound and am bitter but when I gave birth I just got on with it afterwards! I was up walking about an hour later after a very long painful traumatic time, why does he need all of this time? I don't mean to sound competitive as realise everybody can deal with different levels of pain etc. There I go I'm being insensitive again.

Have you told him this, loudly and clearly? Mine would have had no nonsense from me , after what I dealt with after my two deliveries.

Maray1967 · 02/02/2023 06:58

AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:25

He has been really moody too. He said the thought of thr finality of it is taking him time to get used to! Again this further annoyed me. I had to get used to all of the changes to my body over night yet he cannot deal with this.

Again, spell out the comparisons very loudly and clearly. I’d have no tolerance for this, it’s pathetic.

Girlgift97 · 02/02/2023 07:30

nailsathome · 01/02/2023 23:30

My husband was in pain for quite some time after his. It doesn't always go as smoothly for some men as for others.

Did he access regular pain relief to deal with that?

SouperNoodle · 02/02/2023 07:37

DH had a vasectomy and was hoovering as soon as he came home and then in work the next day.

ithoughtisawapuddycat · 02/02/2023 07:44

I think i'd be taking him to the doctors or A&E to get it checked out if he is still in pain and it hurts to pee 😉 I'd be making a big song and dance about how concerned i am for him if this is what is happening as it is far from normal, based on other men's experiences. Perhaps that might jolt him and stop him taking the mick!

FOJN · 02/02/2023 08:13

My ex husband took the rest of the day off and was back at work the next day.

I had a laparoscopy for endo and division of adhesions and had friends round for dinner (I cooked) the same day.

Having a vasectomy after your partner has taken the pill for years and given birth to two children is not 'stepping up' it's behaving like a reasonable adult and sharing the responsibility for contraception. Why do we set the bar for men so low?

Your husband is taking the piss. If he's in pain he needs to take painkillers and if he's this incapacitated after three days he needs to take some responsibility and make a Dr's appointment.

BraveGoldie · 02/02/2023 15:48

Has he cheered up today at all, OP?

CombatBarbie · 02/02/2023 16:03

Mine got the rest of the day/night free pass..... Next day he was back at work. You are being played.

Bellsbeachwaves · 02/02/2023 17:48

Girlgift97 · 01/02/2023 22:28

Why? Why be thankful?

Show quote history

Er... Why on earth wouldn't you be thankful?

BakedBeeeeans · 02/02/2023 17:54

YANBU my OH went on his own (a friend drove him). I was on 3 nights so he was up with baby through night a child care/school drop off etc during day. Unless they get an infection its just bruising. Yes it's uncomfortable but just get him some frozen peas and tell him to get a grip. Tell him to make a GP appt if it's bothering him this much

Girlgift97 · 02/02/2023 17:59

@Bellsbeachwaves er because contraception is his responsibility this time..... so why would he be thanked?

OP took the pill for years!

It's like thanking a man because he emptied the dishwasher. Why would you thank him for emptying his own dishwasher?

GrinGrinGrin

MrsRaspberry · 02/02/2023 18:05

Hes milking it by the sounds of it. Not to compare but within less than a day of having a c section with my 4th i was up and walking about the hospital ward getting up with a newborn. Went home to 3 others a single parent so was up and about doing everything including school and nursery runs leaving the house much earlier than usual in order to be on time rather than late. Dude definitely doesnt need over a week

wentworthinmate · 02/02/2023 18:09

He’s milking it big time.

Missingpop · 02/02/2023 18:10

He’s being a wimp; Women give birth without pain relief babies are the size of watermelons & they come out of a hole the size of a bloody plum!! tell the wimp to man up & grow a pair (ok not the best turn of phrase) but god above he’s had two tiny snips not open heart surgery (which they have people up walking about after 2/4 days) he’s just milking it

bobster31 · 02/02/2023 18:10

I made my DH come home on the bus after his! I am definitely heartless! 😆

wentworthinmate · 02/02/2023 18:12

Dodecaheidyin · 01/02/2023 17:24

He'll regret it when his pathetic behaviour gives you the ick and you never want to shag him again.

Exactly, withhold pleasures for a few weeks after he’s ‘recovered’ saying you have niggles down there.

justlliloleme · 02/02/2023 18:12

I remember my dad having this op. He left the hospital & drive his motor bike home / if he can do that, your hubby should be able to boil a kettle 😂

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