Am I a heartless wife or is dh milking it?

[AmillionReasons]

Following on from the dressing gown of doom thread which was hilarious, I need your opinion! AIBU to be immensely irritated by dh laying around after his vasectomy? Don't get me wrong i have been incredibly senstive to how he will.be feeling etc and he hasn't had to lift a finger. It has been 3 days though now of me running around after him, our dcs, cleaning the house and doing the school runs. He doesn't even get up to make a cup of tea, i told him to put the kettle on and he looked put out! He is waddling around like a lost duckling (that is of course when he chooses to get up which is rarely!) Is this normal?
The new kind of surgery is keyhole and no stitches, just a plaster. I realise there is a little swelling and dull aches etc but I didn't get to rest after birthing two babies, and having stitches too, life went on. He haa checked the area and it isn't infected or anything. I have been very supportive for 3 days but feel he should at least be doing some light activities by now. He is laying around playing computer games, I am probably insensitive but it is irritating me! AIBU?

Haha yes, I told him I was in shock and felt like I have had it done too. 😂i said I was coming out in sympathy, like those husbands that get pregnancy symptoms. I let him know "we are going through this together." He looked at the floor and didn't really know what to say. I think the retreating to bed with anxiety line is great. I may stress that I am fatigued from the sheer shock and worry of it all, and the fact it is ongoing.

When my DH had the snip the consultant said he could sign him off for the rest of the week if he was an employee, but as he was self employed it was fine to go straight back to work. DH just carried on as usual, no moping about at all.

It's fear, I think. Like, what if it all goes wrong. What if my dick falls off, or doesn't work anymore.

Well it won't matter if he doesn't shape up! Sorry, harsh I know. I'm just frustrated on your behalf, and I don't know him so can't admire his mitigating qualities

@TotteringByGenteely I think dh has taken the surgeon's advice as gospel. He looks at me like I've told him to get up after a broken leg when I ask him to do anything. 🤔i just connot fathom why he feels this bad when he tells me it isn't painful and just "weird!"

@picklemewalnuts 😂😂you've hit the nail on the head! I think he definately thinks something isn't going to function down there anymore! He seems horrified at the state of his balls. I told him at least he doesn't have a phallic object prodding them.

OMG this is minor surgery and while it makes someone a little sore, that’s it.
I would tell him if he’s still unable to move tomorrow he needs to see a GP!…
My friends husband was back at work the following day, and he’s a tree surgeon

How's he doing today?

I've told dh if he keeps icing his balls they'll freeze and drop off. He isn't amused.

Really just go with you’re worried line and you’re booking him a GP appointment whether he wants it or not.
He will feel his feelings are validated, and hopefully the GP will reassure him and job done.
Maybe insist on being present at the appointment because you’re his wife, you care about him, and you’re in this together (then you’ll know what is actually said). Maybe not for the whole meeting, at least for the conclusion.

Otherwise you may get absolutely nowhere. I don’t honestly get the feeling he’s milking it, he just sounds scared about will that region be able to function properly again, and the more time he gives it, the better chances ?

I know it’s not the same level at all, but my mum and brother couldn’t give a slightest damn when I was in ICU. That’s another story, but I resent it ( and I really was really absolutely close to death, and at best brain damage). Pneumonia and waiting list for specialist too long.

Even now now they still mock me because I’m still fragile to respiratory infections (much less, but it’s obvious my body is horrendous at réanimation, the docs told me to always be careful not to end there again), they call me a drama queen when I had that recent virus, refused to protect themselves from Covid when they went out at Christmas. And I admit I still Google signs of pneumonia when I’m sick, and sometimes end up calling the GP.

All this to say, it isn’t completely rational, .I just can’t help it, and mocking or invalidating my feelings is extremely hurtful. My dad, who lives far away, always listens, and I am much closer to him and have drifted apart from the other 2.

id really go the compassionate and validated feeling route, we all react differently
And I wasn’t supposed to be so close to dying, I was in that statistical 1% unlucky ones. It’s scary.

My best friend also had the unlucky 1% of those regular laser eye ops you’re supposed to be fine with after a couple of hours.
she had an allergic reaction that the doctors took ages to figure out, so for two weeks basically could only vaguely see. She’s thankfully fine now, but like me, terrified of any op again.

.If he’s been googling he would know the stats. Some people think they won’t be one of them, some panic.
we both panic now because we’ve been through it.

Really just go supportive route and insist on an appointment, being mocked is mean

I do understand your position if he wasn’t really supportive for you.

my mum and brother are the type to panic for a damn paper cut accident : disinfectant and the lot. I find it very hard to be sympathetic.
The difference is .I can’t see a future relationship with them (for other reasons as well, tip of the iceberg maybe).
You do.

Mine, who was the world's biggest wimp, had a vasectomy YEARS before keyhole surgery was a thing, and was playing volleyball two days later.

Now, the DURING part is certainly uncomfortable (wish you could have heard my ob-gyn describing his, I laughed so hard I shot the speculum out and across the room!), but, unless the site becomes infected, recovery just is not a dire thing.

I agrée, which is why I think OP should really insist on a medical appointment.
He needs to hear it from a professional : you’re fine, you’re doing great, you can safely resume activities
Hopefully that will help

I had to continue life because I was alone, no choice
I should have been recovering a couple of weeks in one of those lower wards : not a place in sight, and obviously you can’t bed blocker in ICU.
So no choice but to get along with it (did have friends to help with grocery shopping etc, but no option to stay in bed to recover, just can’t)

So yes, I can’t help but feel resentful when people with minor ops have all the time and support to recover. I just try to think, good for them.
Still can’t manage it with my mum and brother since that episode though, they could have taken time off and helped.

I just try to accept that some are more fortunate than others, are allowed to take recovery time…
This sounds like it could last a while though, I deliberately avoided Google for a while because it’s the worst re complications. Hence the doctors suggestion

I was one of those women who definitely did not pop two paracetamol and go to Tesco on my way home from an emergency c section, despite it being “routine” etc. I was on every painkiller going including oramorph for several days (I was in hospital for a week in part due to pain control), I couldn’t walk further than the end of my driveway for three weeks and I was on painkillers for six weeks. Ten years later the incision still hurts sometimes. Everyone’s pain experience after surgery is different and I’d have been bloody pissed off if my DH had kept telling me everyone else was up and running around after a couple of days and I was milking it.

But where I think your DH is unreasonable is to imagine that he’s entitled not to have to feel any discomfort, weirdness or pain. That feeling weird somehow absolves him of any responsibility to behave like a sensible grown up with things to do. I wouldn’t have done anything that caused me acute screaming pain, but I expected to put up with aching and feeling bloody sore and weird when getting myself a drink, moving around, making dinner for my toddler, changing the baby etc, because that’s what adults sometimes have to do. So he’s allowed to be sore, weird, in pain etc (though he should take meds properly if that’s the case) but that’s not a reason to opt out entirely of being a grown up until he feels in optimum condition again. He needs to be trying his best basically.

What about the risk of blood clots? I was given an injection recently because of a couple of inactive days on a drip. I was shocked at the necessity for it, but obviously statistically it's worth doing.

Perhaps he needs warning that inactivity is itself problematic?

Ah yes very true, I had injections in ICU too

Needs to just see a doctor…

My view would be that if he can walk up and down stairs to bed etc then he can walk to the kitchen and stand to wash up etc… I would insist that he see a GP today and say if he’s still in discomfort he needs advice because from what you’ve read most people go back to work the same day!
I’ve known men to have it during their lunch break and go straight back to work.
I think he’s likely to be taking the piss, so the threat of a GP appointment being booked will probably prompt a fast recovery.

It's taking him longer to recover from key hole surgery than most women after giving birth.

My partner came home from his and laid the flooring, I’m afraid he’s taking the piss.

My DH had to have surgery for his, he rested fully for 1 day, potted a bit on day 2, was up and helping look after the kids day 3 and back to work day 4 (he is a chef).
I wouldn't say he is milking it, but I do think it is something in his head. I would sit down with him and lay my cards on the table. Start by telling him that this is to be a calm conversation and to hear you out before saying anything. That you are worried, but your patience and sympathy are running thin, he is taking longer to recover from this than a woman does after childbirth/c-section, that you want to be comforting and supportive but you need him to give you more than just 'it feels weird' tell him to talk to you and tell you what is going on or you are booking him a doctors appointment and going with him.

Hi all, just a little update. Dh started to do light activities day 3, day 4 he was walking better, last night he said some swelling had gone down and he was starting to see his balls again, thought great maybe things are looking up. Then today he has apparently "a trapped nerve!" I told him he may want to change from the super right brief underwear to his still supportive short style ones, but he has insisted the surgeon said he had to wear them for a week. Then today (day 5 he decided to change them as they were "too tight." He has been grumpy the whole time, snapping at me and the dcs. He then tells me he hasn't been and that he hasn't complained! He thinks he is in the smaller percentage of men who have issue with one side. He refused to empty the bin saying it was over 10 pounds and he couldn't lift for over a week. I've had enough at this point, we've argued this morning, I've told him he is taking all textbook advice as gospel. He has form for going to the doctors for very minor things so I said he needs to go about this. He tells me it is normal as he's looked it up, surgeon told him, leaflet etc.

I've never known anybody so miserable and grumpy after an operation. I understand everybody reacts to things differently but i react the complete opposite, and just get on with it so I'm finding my tolerance is very low at this point. I told him if he isn't going to sort bin then I'll do it and he can hoover and put the dishes away from the breakfast I made everyone. He then shouts he doesn't have to do it right now (they had been laying for half an hour a this point).