Am I a heartless wife or is dh milking it?

[AmillionReasons]

Following on from the dressing gown of doom thread which was hilarious, I need your opinion! AIBU to be immensely irritated by dh laying around after his vasectomy? Don't get me wrong i have been incredibly senstive to how he will.be feeling etc and he hasn't had to lift a finger. It has been 3 days though now of me running around after him, our dcs, cleaning the house and doing the school runs. He doesn't even get up to make a cup of tea, i told him to put the kettle on and he looked put out! He is waddling around like a lost duckling (that is of course when he chooses to get up which is rarely!) Is this normal?
The new kind of surgery is keyhole and no stitches, just a plaster. I realise there is a little swelling and dull aches etc but I didn't get to rest after birthing two babies, and having stitches too, life went on. He haa checked the area and it isn't infected or anything. I have been very supportive for 3 days but feel he should at least be doing some light activities by now. He is laying around playing computer games, I am probably insensitive but it is irritating me! AIBU?

If he's really experiencing pain when he goes to the loo, I'd show him this excerpt from the Mayo Clinic:

See your health care provider immediately if you have pain or swelling in your testicles, discharge from your penis, or pain when you urinate. Your provider may be able to treat the cause with medicine or a minor procedure. If you have severe scrotal pain, seek emergency treatment.

The problem is, it's almost impossible to tell. I've known men be back up and on their feet almost fully functional after 24 hours but I also know a couple who have had the snip and been laid up for 2 weeks in pain as it didn't heal quickly. My old boss came back to work after 48 hours in visible pain and ended up with an infection which laid him up for a week or so.

So.. I think the odds are he's taking the piss a bit, but you cannot rely on all these anecdotal tales from people here because it really isn't a one size fits all in terms of recovery time. People saying their husbands were up and about in 2 days aren't exactly representative of the full range of outcomes.

My DH said to me “keep up” when out for a walk post-C-Section. Not a clue... He gets out the smelling salts (and DOD, of course!) at the mere thought of sniffles. Prat...

I’m another who’d be a bit worried actually. The stats for long term complications are quite high.

I agrée with you.

I think I can understand OP’s perspective given her Dh support (or lack of) after her own experiences completely though, that has been a really tough one for me after ICU (because same as you OP, no family support, just out and exhausted, I could barely get out of bed, but still had to take my medications (so, so many I couldn’t focus enough, it took ages… I was lucky the hospital gave me kid like food : sliced bread, mashed fruit, enough for 2 weeks). Honestly I don’t know how I managed to keep it together, it was just survival maybe

Id get him the GP appointment for now (I really don’t think he’s milking it, it really sounds more like processing difficulties. The thing when you’re so exhausted with no other options is that you just have to survive, he has you and too much time to think)

Then you could however later discuss how you felt

I would really get that appointment now, don’t let this drag on. You can chalk it up as an experience for now, but if it drags on….

I know my situation isn’t really helpful as I was much more ill, but I think I get what you mean re when it was me there was no other option

I feel your pain OP. My dh was just the same. I hated the inequality from the medics too. Dh was recommended by the Dr to spend the first 48 hours in bed. Which is the same amount of time I got in bed after an emergency c-section and sepsis. When I moaned that it hurt I got told I was lucky to get 2 days in bed because most women don't. But men having surgery so minor a gp can do it need 2 days in bed apparently

Sounds like he needs to go to his mothers to recuperate.

In the words of my mother 'I'll give you something to moan about if you carry on' he sounds insufferable

If he's in that much pain he needs to go back to hospital. He hasn't had a major operation and shouldn't be have any noticeable effects after a couple of days.

I was shifting furniture 2 hours after my vasectomy. I'm not recommending that, but it's a very minor procedure and has minimal after-effects in most patients.

DH had a vasectomy on a Friday afternoon. He did have a, week off work due to the type of work he does but 24 hours later he was okay, bit sore but up and about helping with the kids by Saturday afternoon.
I don't do sympathy very well though so he doesn't bother trying to milk it.

Tell him he'll get thrombosis if he doesn't start getting up and about now.

i would pointedly say where was this concern for resting etc when I had pushed a baby out hours earlier? Some of us would have loved our partner to give us the tlc you’ve had for the last three days. No harm in pointing out the contrast.

My first in-hospital, post-birth midwife appointment took place on a Saturday, 5 days post-partum after emergency c section. I had been given one strip of (not very strong) codeine tablets on leaving hospital and asked if I could have more as was still struggling with pain at night. Midwife said yes and sent trainee up to labour ward to collect them. trainee reappeared saying, "they say she's had 5 days [ they only gave me a blister pack of 12 or something so i a clearly had not been popping them every 4 hours...], so they say she had to get a prescription from her gp."

Well, midwife was having none or that. Said, "if a man had abdominal surgery he would be in hospital for a week then sent home on bed rest but this patient was sent home after 48 hours and is looking after a newborn...!" She got me my drugs.

Men are total wimps.

I had a vasectomy 7ish years ago, drove home and then spent the next two days humping and dumping furniture as I was moving house. I prob did over do it and suffered for a couple of days later but still managed everyday chores.

If he thinks it's isn't healing properly and he is still in more pain than expected this much afterwards, he needs to be proactive and make an appointment to see his gp. If he won't do that, then he can get up and start making cups of tea and help with the other things that need doing. I'm sure he'll be back to work quicker than expected 😉

I wouldn't have much time for his nonsense. I'd spend as little time as I could in the house with him, do the bare minimum for him and if he asked me to make him a cuppa I'd tell him it's good for him to be doing gentle movement, that you were XYZ after giving birth, and then go leave the room so he doesn't get to perform manflu to you.

Absolutely, this thread is really unpleasant.
I can't believe I've seen someone use the word 'pansy' tbh.

Are they? I'm sure my DH was told complications are rare and minor but that could be totally wrong (perhaps he was just trying to reassure me)!

Absolute ridiculous carry on. He is milking it to death he sounds like a complete manchild and completely unsupportive of you in general. I don't know how you are putting up with it I'd be announcing that his recovery isn't normal at all that you are making a doctor appointment to get him checked out. My husband had one done a few years ago , pinch from the anesthesia and over in 5 mins . Bit of an ache and bruising for a few days and that was that. He works in a heavy physical job so had to take the week off but was helping out at home as normal

🙄

he's taking the mick and feeling very sorry for himself.

DH had taken the day off work as advised beforehand but didn't even need that. We went out for lunch a couple of hours after he had it done at DH's request because he didn't want to sit around and felt up to it.

There can be complications from it but if he's suffering so badly he should be a. Keeping up with the painkillers and b. Seeking medical advice from the clinic he had it done at.

Unless there’s a problem eg infection, he should be cracking on with life!!

My old boss had a complication. It blew up his testicles to the size of a football and he was hospitalised.

We bought him grapes and a copy of playboy.

My thinking is that you would have noticed such a complication so my instincts are dh is milking it.

Why? Why be thankful?

My local gp performed his own vasectomy! So can't be all that bad!

Surgeon (though no longer operating) here.

He's being a wet lettuce. The vasectomy is just cutting out a small piece of the vas deferens, hence the name vasectomy, which is the tube connecting his testicles to the urethra, so he needs to stop acting like they've cut his balls off. The vas can easily be felt just under the skin so it's a tiny incision, very little actual cutting and just a couple of clips and stitches inside, nothing else. I've had deeper paper cuts than some of the vasectomy incisions. There's absolutely nothing that can or will be damaged by lifting, walking, running or any other activity. Nothing.

If you want to be cruel/have a little fun, say you're worried that if it's that painful, it might've got infected, you've heard that a badly infected scrotal wound can lead to a disease called Fournier's gangrene (gangrene of scrotum and penis), and the only treatment to save his life is to cut his cock and balls off, so you'd better take him to A&E. Then tell him to Google some pictures of it... 😂I know that'd be really really cruel, but it'd be so funny!