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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a heartless wife or is dh milking it?

288 replies

AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:15

Following on from the dressing gown of doom thread which was hilarious, I need your opinion! AIBU to be immensely irritated by dh laying around after his vasectomy? Don't get me wrong i have been incredibly senstive to how he will.be feeling etc and he hasn't had to lift a finger. It has been 3 days though now of me running around after him, our dcs, cleaning the house and doing the school runs. He doesn't even get up to make a cup of tea, i told him to put the kettle on and he looked put out! He is waddling around like a lost duckling (that is of course when he chooses to get up which is rarely!) Is this normal?
The new kind of surgery is keyhole and no stitches, just a plaster. I realise there is a little swelling and dull aches etc but I didn't get to rest after birthing two babies, and having stitches too, life went on. He haa checked the area and it isn't infected or anything. I have been very supportive for 3 days but feel he should at least be doing some light activities by now. He is laying around playing computer games, I am probably insensitive but it is irritating me! AIBU?

OP posts:
FuckabethFuckor · 01/02/2023 17:32

Do you mean otc painkillers or the whizbang ones they’ll have given him after the op?

tbf I’d wonder if something was up if he was genuinely needing the strong painkillers after three days. Doesn’t sound quite right that.

FuckabethFuckor · 01/02/2023 17:34

But he should be making his own appointment, it’s not your responsibility. Doctor hasn’t told him he hasn’t to dial, presumably.

Original poster
AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:34

Exactly. I am so surprised he is like this. Usually when he isn't well he does just get on with it. To be fair he doesn't catch much though, but he doesn't do the whole dressing gown of doom routine. It's like because this involved his balls he cannot cope! Feel like asking did they cut those off during the procedure as well!

OP posts:
Original poster
AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:35

@FuckabethFuckor yeah just otc ones. He is the first to tell everybody else to take them regularly, but this time he seems to be exempt.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 01/02/2023 17:35

He's a wuss. He needs to grow a pair (pun intended) 🤣🤣🤣

RedCarsGoFaster · 01/02/2023 17:36

My ex and I were shagging two days after his (with BC!). He initiated it. No issues for him!

Goldpaw · 01/02/2023 17:36

My ex husband had the snip. Keyhole. We went away for the weekend afterwards and he was in a lot of pain and discomfort, so we went back home. He spent about a day and a half in bed as, despite wearing the recommended underwear, he had a lot of pain and swelling. He became better at moving about, but it took a few days for it to settle down.

NewNameNigel · 01/02/2023 17:37

AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:15

Following on from the dressing gown of doom thread which was hilarious, I need your opinion! AIBU to be immensely irritated by dh laying around after his vasectomy? Don't get me wrong i have been incredibly senstive to how he will.be feeling etc and he hasn't had to lift a finger. It has been 3 days though now of me running around after him, our dcs, cleaning the house and doing the school runs. He doesn't even get up to make a cup of tea, i told him to put the kettle on and he looked put out! He is waddling around like a lost duckling (that is of course when he chooses to get up which is rarely!) Is this normal?
The new kind of surgery is keyhole and no stitches, just a plaster. I realise there is a little swelling and dull aches etc but I didn't get to rest after birthing two babies, and having stitches too, life went on. He haa checked the area and it isn't infected or anything. I have been very supportive for 3 days but feel he should at least be doing some light activities by now. He is laying around playing computer games, I am probably insensitive but it is irritating me! AIBU?

If he is genuinely in that much pain then maybe something has gone wrong. Tell him you are really worried as he's obviously in far greater distress than he should be and send him to A&E. If he doesn't go then you know he's faking

Original poster
AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:38

@Goldpaw how long did it take for your dh to feel better? The surgeon said dh's tubes were easy to find, and dh didn't feel any tugging or anything through thr procedure. I just expected him to be feeling abit less 'delicate' by now.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 01/02/2023 17:38

I was told specifically to move around after laparoscopic surgery, not running and jumping violently of course but refusal to make a cup of tea is completely over the board. I would tell him that you’ve googled and he’s supposed to be ok and able to function so you are really worried about him and he should go to A&E if he’s so bad.

discobrain · 01/02/2023 17:40

Haha

Just threaten to chop the lot off if he doesn't stop being a massive baby.

pizzaHeart · 01/02/2023 17:40

@NewNameNigel great minds…

Gwdihooooo · 01/02/2023 17:41

Oh god! I fear my dh will be similar yo yours when he has his next month! He proper milks even a cold 🙈

musingsinmidlife · 01/02/2023 17:42

According to most guidelines for post vasectomy care:

Rest for 24 hours
Light activity for 3-7 days, no heavy lifting. Can return to non physical work on Day 2-3
Return to normal activity at one week

rookiemere · 01/02/2023 17:42

AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:34

Exactly. I am so surprised he is like this. Usually when he isn't well he does just get on with it. To be fair he doesn't catch much though, but he doesn't do the whole dressing gown of doom routine. It's like because this involved his balls he cannot cope! Feel like asking did they cut those off during the procedure as well!

I think you're being unkind.
If he's not normally like this when unwell then perhaps he is having unexpected after effects.

JeepersCreepersWheredYaGetThosePeepers · 01/02/2023 17:43

Remind him women have major surgery (caesarean) and are given a new born to look after at the same time!

Shudacudawuda · 01/02/2023 17:43

He's milking it. I don't remember my husband having more than the one day off (day of the op.) when he had his done.
He was a bit tender for a few days, but laying around was not required!

Bellsbeachwaves · 01/02/2023 17:44

Yabu. Be thankful he had one!

Original poster
AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:44

@rookiemere completely valid point. It just feels like after 3 days of complete rest (not lifting a finger) he should be able to at least do light activity. He has no visible signs of an infection, and isn't running for painkillers frequently.

OP posts:
Bellsbeachwaves · 01/02/2023 17:44

I think this thread is mean lol!

Gawpygertie · 01/02/2023 17:46

SafeMove · 01/02/2023 17:21

I am 6 days post op total hysterectomy that took 4 hours under GA as endo adhered womb to bowel and had 20 fibroids removed and my womb was 150g. Today I have washed up, made breakfast, been to the coop, made lunch for me and DC, lit a fire, washed up and dried up and painted a blackboard. Your DH is taking the mick love!

I'm a bit surprised actually.
Ddil had a hysterectomy last year and was told to be very careful for at least 4 weeks.
I'm not sure if you're amazing or mad really.

GnomeDePlume · 01/02/2023 17:46

Years ago I had a conversation with DH when he was doing his dying swan act. I asked if he had taken any paracetamol. He said no because if he did he wouldn't know when the pain had gone!

'Fine' says I 'You can suffer then without getting any sympathy from me'. I explained that if he had taken painkillers and was still in pain then I would be sympathetic.

TBF he is normally quite stoic but this particular time had got my goat.

Time for tough love.

Original poster
AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:47

'Yabu. Be thankful he had one!'

Well after I took the pill for years which messed with my hormones, and then birthed two of his babies without complaint, I feel this is the least he could do.

OP posts:
GinClassHeroes · 01/02/2023 17:47

Bellsbeachwaves · 01/02/2023 17:44

Yabu. Be thankful he had one!

Why should she be grateful he had one? Nobody tells a man to be grateful his partner takes the pill/injection/coil/implant, do they?

smileladiesplease · 01/02/2023 17:48

When you are in pain you monitor the time between pain killers not take randomly!!

Tell him it's not normal and he should go to A&E right now. He would have to drive as you have the kids.

He will put you off so you know he's milking it

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