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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a heartless wife or is dh milking it?

288 replies

AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:15

Following on from the dressing gown of doom thread which was hilarious, I need your opinion! AIBU to be immensely irritated by dh laying around after his vasectomy? Don't get me wrong i have been incredibly senstive to how he will.be feeling etc and he hasn't had to lift a finger. It has been 3 days though now of me running around after him, our dcs, cleaning the house and doing the school runs. He doesn't even get up to make a cup of tea, i told him to put the kettle on and he looked put out! He is waddling around like a lost duckling (that is of course when he chooses to get up which is rarely!) Is this normal?
The new kind of surgery is keyhole and no stitches, just a plaster. I realise there is a little swelling and dull aches etc but I didn't get to rest after birthing two babies, and having stitches too, life went on. He haa checked the area and it isn't infected or anything. I have been very supportive for 3 days but feel he should at least be doing some light activities by now. He is laying around playing computer games, I am probably insensitive but it is irritating me! AIBU?

OP posts:
ItsCalledAConversation · 01/02/2023 18:15

Sounds like they said, “it can take a week” and your DH heard, “sympathy and rest time for a week’s holiday”

Unikeko · 01/02/2023 18:15

Three days is enough as far as milking it goes. If it's still that bad he needs to see a medical professional. 🙄 I worked at a sexual health clinic in the US and most men had them done on a Friday so they could be back in work by Monday. Unless there's some sort of complication he should be fine.

Skodacool · 01/02/2023 18:16

AmillionReasons · 01/02/2023 17:34

Exactly. I am so surprised he is like this. Usually when he isn't well he does just get on with it. To be fair he doesn't catch much though, but he doesn't do the whole dressing gown of doom routine. It's like because this involved his balls he cannot cope! Feel like asking did they cut those off during the procedure as well!

🤣😂🤣

MysteryBelle · 01/02/2023 18:17

SafeMove · 01/02/2023 17:21

I am 6 days post op total hysterectomy that took 4 hours under GA as endo adhered womb to bowel and had 20 fibroids removed and my womb was 150g. Today I have washed up, made breakfast, been to the coop, made lunch for me and DC, lit a fire, washed up and dried up and painted a blackboard. Your DH is taking the mick love!

Whoa. That is amazing, or should I say, you are amazing!

mommatoone · 01/02/2023 18:18

Some of the replies on this thread🤣🤣

Slimjimtobe · 01/02/2023 18:18

I’d take his computer games off him

Ryder68 · 01/02/2023 18:19

It's the way he slithers around the place if has to actually get up aswell
😆
I can just picture it!

MysteryBelle · 01/02/2023 18:19

Is it possible he didn’t want to have, or resented having, the surgery? That does seem a long time for recovery judging by others’ partners’ experiences.

BetterBee · 01/02/2023 18:19

100% milking it. My husband had the same thing. He was tender for a few days but doing all his normal activities the same day. I think he took 2 lots of paracetamol in total.

The worst bit would have been having the numbing injection.

romany4 · 01/02/2023 18:19

He's milking it and being ridiculous.
DH had his snip when ds2 was 6 weeks old. I was still recovering from the birth and had a 2nd degree tear.
He had a bit of bruising and went back to work on day 3!! Took painkillers and he was fine.
He certainly wouldn't have got away with behaving like that with me!

BoxOfCats · 01/02/2023 18:20

I suspect it's his delicate male ego that's been bruised more than anything else.

FrangipaniBlue · 01/02/2023 18:21

My DP was done just before xmas.

He said first 2/3 days were just like a bit of a dull ache in the pit of his stomach but around day 5 all the bruising came out and he said that's when it was most painful for about 48hrs. He did say tight fitting boxers were a godsend though!

Had a week off work but he does a manual labour job so was told to take a week off by the surgeon.

He didn't lay about dooming though - he cracked on making me lunch and cups of tea while I was wfh!!

Youwhatnowbiggles · 01/02/2023 18:21

Wow, he is properly taking the piss. My dh was up & back at work the following day. I agree with your sentiments about how women are treated post birth - men would absolutely expect a weeks stay in hospital with 5 star care if they were to go through similar. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

PennyRa · 01/02/2023 18:21

With that procedure you should be able to have it on your lunch break and then return to work. If he isn't putting it on he seriously needs to see a doctor

Wibblewibble1 · 01/02/2023 18:22

This is seriously ridiculous. My dh had vasectomy, laid about for the afternoon and went back to work the next day.
I only have 24 hour sympathy cycles - his time was up and bless him! He knew it 🤣

Godlovesall26 · 01/02/2023 18:22

Unikeko · 01/02/2023 18:15

Three days is enough as far as milking it goes. If it's still that bad he needs to see a medical professional. 🙄 I worked at a sexual health clinic in the US and most men had them done on a Friday so they could be back in work by Monday. Unless there's some sort of complication he should be fine.

Google is the worse for that. Google complications for anything and you end up full of dread.
He may still be worried about the complications.

Agreed that a medical professional is the right way to go, for all we know when he’s on his phone he’s googling vasectomy complications signs.

Quite a lot of men refuse, so that probably doesn’t help also

SeasonFinale · 01/02/2023 18:22

Definitely milking it.

Scottishgirl85 · 01/02/2023 18:22

My husband has had both his balls chopped off, literally, due to double helping of testicular cancer. He was back at work (scientist, on feet all day) after 2 days off both times (1st day of op, then 1 day recovery). Your husband is being ridiculous.

MavisMcMinty · 01/02/2023 18:27

As a nurse for 35 years, I cannot STAND sick people in my house, especially not-really-sick-at-all manbabies. My OH kept slipping vertebral discs and honestly all I wanted to do was smother him with a pillow. It’s that “sick” voice they do that really winds me up.

My sister’s also a nurse, and when her husband fell down stairs drunk and hurt his neck, she gave him an irritable SHOVE as he was annoyingly struggling to get into the car to take him to A&E (her actual place of work FFS, increasing her fury). He’d broken his neck, they discovered when they got to A&E…

Godlovesall26 · 01/02/2023 18:28

Youwhatnowbiggles · 01/02/2023 18:21

Wow, he is properly taking the piss. My dh was up & back at work the following day. I agree with your sentiments about how women are treated post birth - men would absolutely expect a weeks stay in hospital with 5 star care if they were to go through similar. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

We’ve always (unfortunately) been expected to do that since the end of times.

Vasectomy wasn’t an option. I don’t find it unreasonable that it could take a little time to process, 3 days isn’t huge.

The painkillers may be a sign he doesn’t know if he should be worried or shouldn’t be. Maybe he doesn’t know anyone who has done it. It’s a sensitive emotionally operation, and he did do it after all, so he hasn’t completely absolved himself of personal responsibility in the couple.

I would encourage GP checkups to reassure him

I think everyone’s allowed a little leeway after any procedure. Sure, it would be great if it was the same for us, but…

smileladiesplease · 01/02/2023 18:31

Mavis.

Speaking as a nurse myself do you think you and dsis might be better suited in another profession? The army maybe 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Godlovesall26 · 01/02/2023 18:32

MavisMcMinty · 01/02/2023 18:27

As a nurse for 35 years, I cannot STAND sick people in my house, especially not-really-sick-at-all manbabies. My OH kept slipping vertebral discs and honestly all I wanted to do was smother him with a pillow. It’s that “sick” voice they do that really winds me up.

My sister’s also a nurse, and when her husband fell down stairs drunk and hurt his neck, she gave him an irritable SHOVE as he was annoyingly struggling to get into the car to take him to A&E (her actual place of work FFS, increasing her fury). He’d broken his neck, they discovered when they got to A&E…

It sounds like a regular occurrence for you though, while this will hopefully be a one-off (more likely if he does go to a GP who tells him clearly everything’s fine)

Otherwise I agree, if it’s regular, I’m also in a medical field and drives me insane

greenspaces4peace · 01/02/2023 18:32

@AmillionReasons Several pages in and I’ve only skimmed but has he been using supportive undies?
in my nursing experience tight undies and no dangling about seemed to help along with cold packs?

Oysterbabe · 01/02/2023 18:34

The quickest way to recover is just to get on with things. The longer you mope and obsess the worse you feel.
After being stitched up after DS I was straight in the shower then looking after him. I was home within 6 hours and making dinner for DD. Some men are so pathetic. At least he had it though 😒

MavisMcMinty · 01/02/2023 18:36

Speaking as a nurse myself do you think you and dsis might be better suited in another profession? The army maybe 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Heh, it’s just sickness during our off-duty time that we hate. Sick people (men) at home are just unpaid WORK. I seriously worry how I’ll behave if/when my OH gets a terminal illness, honestly.