Am I a heartless wife or is dh milking it?

[AmillionReasons]

Following on from the dressing gown of doom thread which was hilarious, I need your opinion! AIBU to be immensely irritated by dh laying around after his vasectomy? Don't get me wrong i have been incredibly senstive to how he will.be feeling etc and he hasn't had to lift a finger. It has been 3 days though now of me running around after him, our dcs, cleaning the house and doing the school runs. He doesn't even get up to make a cup of tea, i told him to put the kettle on and he looked put out! He is waddling around like a lost duckling (that is of course when he chooses to get up which is rarely!) Is this normal?
The new kind of surgery is keyhole and no stitches, just a plaster. I realise there is a little swelling and dull aches etc but I didn't get to rest after birthing two babies, and having stitches too, life went on. He haa checked the area and it isn't infected or anything. I have been very supportive for 3 days but feel he should at least be doing some light activities by now. He is laying around playing computer games, I am probably insensitive but it is irritating me! AIBU?

And another thing I find appalling is the aftercare he has had, compassionate words, telling him to rest etc. When I'd had my babies I was lucky to get 2 paracetamol!

He should be taking pain relief regularly, that’s the only part that would irritate me.

aside from that I think you’re being unkind especially as he’s not typically the dying duck sort. So YABU.

@KneeQuestion I probably am, it is just irritating me, I think it is because I have been through worse and not acted this way. I'm wondering maybe if it is because he is abit shell shocked, he hasn't had any health issues really, and rarely gets sick.

I would make him make a drs appointment.
My DP had a vasectomy when it was a couple of stitches and even he was back at work on day 3. The stitches came out I think a week later.

Yes he can bend, he shouldnt pick up really heavy items, but a toy, a cup, a plate of food, a book is fine.

You are not heartless and I dont know why you would ever wantb sex again with him.

To be fair my ex was really ill after his vasectomy. The whole area swelled and he developed a fever. He never complained about illness but boy he looked like a corpse.

YANBU what a pansy

Ask him if he wants a BJ x I'm sure that'll perk him up 🤣

Women are expected to be up and walking about hours after a c section!! So he needs to get a bloody grip. Tell him rest is over time to get back to normal.

Just because you didn't get any sympathy, support or rest after giving birth it doesn't mean other people deserve to suffer too. Everyone is different, everyone's resilience is different, everyone's pain tolerance is different. It is not a competition. If he is struggling then he is struggling. Your childbirth experience isn't relevant.

I know you say you were up and about after childbirth, but you've not said if your DH was caring, kind and tried to look after you?

If he's good to you when you're unwell but you're a bit more 'I'm fine' and carry on then yabu.

But if he was all - what time will dinner be the day or/after childbirth then yanbu.

Treat him the way he treats you when you're unwell.

It's the way he slithers around the place if has to actually get up aswell. I think it is the self pitying attitude that I'm finding increasingly difficult.

Suggest having sex. See how soon he recovers.

My DH wasn't quite as bad, he took the Dr's advice to rest for 2 days and was then back to it. I was OK with this even when he couldn't possibly open the back door for the dog when I was dealing with the kids. My biggest issue is that after both my c-sections I had to be up having a shower within 6 hours,...layers and layers of skin, tissue and muscle being cut and stitched together and I had to be up moving after 6 hours. But his delicate little testicles needed 24/48 hours of rest. I would be going mad if he had milked it for as long as your DH!

We went out for the afternoon after dh. He said it was a little tender but OK. Then he went to work next day.

Friends dh was laid out for about 4 days but he had loads of swelling and bruising

@Clara84 he wasn't great. He wasn't much use through the labour/birth both times as apparently was "in shock." Afterwards I carried on as normal, I was breastfeeding so baby was with me most of time). With dc2 he took toddler dc1 out once, and got a takeaway when I came out of hospital.

Yeah but that’s you either having absolutely no other choice or trying to be a hero. I had an EMCS and couldn’t walk properly for about 3 weeks

@FruitTwistandShake this is exactly my same issue! Why can men need all of this time to recover? The way women are treated after birth is disgusting. I told dh if a man gave birth they'd have him holed up in a 5 star hotel for weeks while he recovered!

My midwife always said to use the phrase "what do you think I felt like after going through something that felt like shitting a football followed by stitches and cramps....a vasectomy is easy non invasive easier than having a tooth ache" I'd add and some in your office will have had it done and took no time off.

😬😠 I’m glad on your behalf that this man has had a vasectomy

Nhs says you can usually return to work 1 to 2 days after.

He's milking it so stop pandering to him.
Can't you disappear with the kids for a few days, let him get on with it....alone.

You've got the patience of a Saint OP.

My ex went to work the next day, and also managed to mow our rather large lawn!

@AmillionReasons I have to give my DH credit, he stayed with me in the hospital (we had a side room due to my health issues) both times and he was and still is very hands on. I think it is just the perception that mens balls are so fragile but we can be super women!! I hope he snaps out of it soon :)

My DH was in quite a bit of pain after his. He didn't milk it though, he just was in a lot of pain. He was pissed off because he had been told that it was nothing more painful than a trip to the dentist, (by the surgeon) but something went wrong and he ended up with quite a bit of bruising. It went after about 10 days.

Maybe he’s finding it difficult to process.
I think 3 days is ok really, especially if he’s never been ill. And he was maybe googling and had heard about all the possibilities of complications, which you can’t evaluate enough at 3 days.

Honestly I would try to let him have his little moment to process if it’s only been 3 days, we all react differently.

As a reverse example, I’ve been in ICU for pneumonia and am since terrified of the slightest sign of cold. It’s not rational, I know, although I’m technically still a little vulnerable to anything respiratory, but it doesn’t stop me from layering up a bit overboard. Maybe the reverse if he’s never experienced it. Hospitals can be horrible places, even if you’re fine, ex me I survived, you see people around you who really aren’t. I still have nightmares from the people I saw die in my ward who couldn’t be resuscitated.

Its obviously not the same context, but the idea is people react differently.

Id be worried about the painkillers though. Encourage him definitely to see a GP, he will also feel supported. Taking occasional painkillers is not normal for recurrent pain. Maybe he’ll be reassured by the GP checkup.

I don’t think we should be too hard to judge, everyone experiences things differently, and any medical procedure especially (I started off with a simple pneumonia, waiting times took ages, then my friend found me unconscious one evening and ICU)

I think the GP could definitely help, a safe space to talk, and a checkup