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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have dsc today

184 replies

Iyjd · 01/02/2023 08:45

I’ve name changed because this is potentially outing.

I am a teacher, I am not striking today because it is not my union but I am off work ill. DP is working far away with no way of getting home in the next few hours, I have tried to call him but have been unable to get through, he is driving his team and I think will still be driving.

DSC (9 and 11) schools announced at 8am they were closed due to the strikes, I happened to be texting one of them and mentioned being ill. Their Mum immediately messaged me saying I need to have them today so that she can go to work, I’ve replied saying I am too poorly to look after them, she has come back saying they have online learning to do so will be no trouble. I’ve again told her no but she has told me she will bring them anyway because I am being selfish. I heard DP lock the door before he left at 5am this morning and I don’t even feel well enough to get downstairs. DP has even left me food on my bedside table to see me through the day.

I love them both and during lockdown I happily had DSC most days because I was home too, but today I am too ill. As much as she says they won’t need me I know full well they will want me, they will need help with lunch, or have the odd maths question or want help with Netflix, that kind of thing and I honestly just don’t feel well enough. If I had felt well enough for that then I would have gone into work myself. I am worried about them feeling rejected if she just turns up and I don’t answer the door and it damaging our future relationship.

What do I do?

OP posts:
8lue8irds · 01/02/2023 08:50

Keep the door locked. You don't really have much choice if you're too ill to get up and answer it. She will have to sort her own life out won't she.

monitor1 · 01/02/2023 08:50

Just don't answer the door.

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 01/02/2023 08:52

Blimey, she's cheeky isn't she?! Just don't answer the door.

viques · 01/02/2023 08:52

The possibility of schools being on strike has been known about for weeks, so their parents should have made contingency arrangements. Neither did so. If you weren’t ill you would be working. My advice is keep that door locked. If they are so good and quiet she can ask a neighbour to have them, or a school friends parent, or take them into work with her. Well, she could have done those things if she had planned, or your Partner had planned.

Ohmych · 01/02/2023 08:52

Yes just ignore her if she knocks. I don't blame you for not looking after them if you're too ill.

Thatiswild · 01/02/2023 08:53

Not your problem, she can’t just decide you WILL look after them whether you’re ill or not but if you can’t even get out of bed then you can’t. Stay where you are, get some sleep and forget about it. She’s trying to find a solution but it’s not going to work and you’ve tried to explain that.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/02/2023 08:53

She is incredibly cheeky. I wouldn't have anyone talk to me like that. If she had asked politely it might have been different, but speaking to you like that would mean that I would not answer the door.

Hillarious · 01/02/2023 08:53

Answer the door and take them in. As you say, they may feel rejected and it may damage your future relationship if you don't.

louise5754 · 01/02/2023 08:54

It's a hard one as now you are blended family. If these were your own you would kids you would have to have them when ill. But obviously they aren't.

It's up to the parents to sort. She knew there would be a possibility of a strike today.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 08:56

Hillarious · 01/02/2023 08:53

Answer the door and take them in. As you say, they may feel rejected and it may damage your future relationship if you don't.

Bollocks. If they feel upset by anything it’ll be by their mother trying to dump them on someone else’s doorstep.

DysmalRadius · 01/02/2023 08:56

Hillarious · 01/02/2023 08:53

Answer the door and take them in. As you say, they may feel rejected and it may damage your future relationship if you don't.

I'd have thought they would feel more rejected by their actual parent foisting them off on someone who has repeatedly told her she is too ill to look after them.

(And I say this as someone who is in bed, too ill to look after my own children. Nobody expects me to drag my sick self downstairs so that they don't feel rejected!!)

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 01/02/2023 08:57

Hillarious · 01/02/2023 08:53

Answer the door and take them in. As you say, they may feel rejected and it may damage your future relationship if you don't.

Fuck that. These children have 2 parents who haven't bothered to make a plan. The OP is ill. If her relationship with them is as good as she says this will not damage anything.

OP I'd message the child you messaged earlier saying you hope they have a nice day off and you'll love to hear about what they've done next time you see them.

Then turn the door bell off, switch your phone off and go to bed

TidyDancer · 01/02/2023 08:58

I think you have to stick to your guns on this. It was irresponsible of your DP and his ex not to plan for this given how likely it was that things may play out like this. And it doesn't sound like you're in any fit state to have them in the house.

The bottom line is that they're not your DCs and therefore not your responsibility.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 08:58

I expect your first mistake OP was doing way too much to cover the parents in lockdown. Now she thinks you’re her free childcare.

Really sorry you’re feeling so poorly. Go back to sleep, turn your phone on silent and ignore the door as you would have if this hadn’t happened.

The DC have two parents, you were due to be in work and it’s none of her business what you’re doing. She’s had plenty of time to plan for this as it’s her contact day.

Dacadactyl · 01/02/2023 08:59

Normally I say on these types of step-parent threads "don't marry someone else who has them if you're not prepared to love and treat. them exactly like your own".

HOWEVER, their mum knew there may be a strike today and would have had at least a weeks notice to find childcare. She doesn't get to just drop them on you like this. She either needed to have asked you in advance or found someone else.

I would personally ring her and say "you can't bring them here, so you need to find someone else". Then don't open the door if she turns up.

Coolheadedbird · 01/02/2023 09:00

And that is exactly the hell if blended families. Not helpful, but Lordy am I glad not to be experiencing this weird dynamic.

PeekAtYou · 01/02/2023 09:01

No means no.
Don't answer the door or feel guilty. It is the mother who is dumping them.

Hillarious · 01/02/2023 09:01

Still stand by what I said. The OP is part of a blended family. If she felt fully justified in her actions, she wouldn't be asking if she was being unreasonable.

cheesefootballsarelife · 01/02/2023 09:01

Dont answer the door.

Just claim you went back to sleep when asked. Not unlikely if you are poorly

plumduck · 01/02/2023 09:02

You don't "need" to have her kids. She's a right sort. Ignore her. What a loser

FOJN · 01/02/2023 09:02

I’ve again told her no but she has told me she will bring them anyway because I am being selfish.

Wow, you had the DSC most days during lockdown and this is how she responds when you are ill?

Turn your phone off and do not answer the door.

I am so sorry you are being taken for granted and do hope you feel better soon.

rookiemere · 01/02/2023 09:02

Message your DP and get him to speak to their DM.

ButterCrackers · 01/02/2023 09:03

You said no because you are ill. When she arrives with her kids don’t answer the door or your phone. Put it on silent or just turn it off. Let her call her ex who can sort it all out. She’s had time to find childcare.

MrNook · 01/02/2023 09:05

rookiemere · 01/02/2023 09:02

Message your DP and get him to speak to their DM.

OP said he's driving and not answering his phone

Ladyofthesea · 01/02/2023 09:05

Dacadactyl · 01/02/2023 08:59

Normally I say on these types of step-parent threads "don't marry someone else who has them if you're not prepared to love and treat. them exactly like your own".

HOWEVER, their mum knew there may be a strike today and would have had at least a weeks notice to find childcare. She doesn't get to just drop them on you like this. She either needed to have asked you in advance or found someone else.

I would personally ring her and say "you can't bring them here, so you need to find someone else". Then don't open the door if she turns up.

Why does treating stepkids as your own so often involve taking care of them when their own parents won't?