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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have dsc today

184 replies

Iyjd · 01/02/2023 08:45

I’ve name changed because this is potentially outing.

I am a teacher, I am not striking today because it is not my union but I am off work ill. DP is working far away with no way of getting home in the next few hours, I have tried to call him but have been unable to get through, he is driving his team and I think will still be driving.

DSC (9 and 11) schools announced at 8am they were closed due to the strikes, I happened to be texting one of them and mentioned being ill. Their Mum immediately messaged me saying I need to have them today so that she can go to work, I’ve replied saying I am too poorly to look after them, she has come back saying they have online learning to do so will be no trouble. I’ve again told her no but she has told me she will bring them anyway because I am being selfish. I heard DP lock the door before he left at 5am this morning and I don’t even feel well enough to get downstairs. DP has even left me food on my bedside table to see me through the day.

I love them both and during lockdown I happily had DSC most days because I was home too, but today I am too ill. As much as she says they won’t need me I know full well they will want me, they will need help with lunch, or have the odd maths question or want help with Netflix, that kind of thing and I honestly just don’t feel well enough. If I had felt well enough for that then I would have gone into work myself. I am worried about them feeling rejected if she just turns up and I don’t answer the door and it damaging our future relationship.

What do I do?

OP posts:

T1Dmama · 05/02/2023 01:26

She sounds like a cow. I wouldn’t do her any favours.

rainbowstardrops · 05/02/2023 07:39

She certainly does sound like a cow! Absolutely disgusting to lie to her child about the situation. Nasty and manipulative.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/02/2023 09:03

Mum had been upset that I cancelled the other day last minute after promising to have them weeks ago

If you’re a teacher (in a non-striking union!), surely the kids realise there’s no way you could have promised to have them weeks ago?!

Reugny · 05/02/2023 09:24

Shinyandnew1 · 05/02/2023 09:03

Mum had been upset that I cancelled the other day last minute after promising to have them weeks ago

If you’re a teacher (in a non-striking union!), surely the kids realise there’s no way you could have promised to have them weeks ago?!

Kids are brought up to believe their parents over other adults.

So it is up to their dad to explain why their step-mother is striking, and if she isn't striking that she is working.

The OP has nothing to explain as she can walk away from the children tomorrow for any reason at all

AcrossthePond55 · 05/02/2023 16:17

Is there anything legally he can do wrt the school 'harassment'? Because that's what it is, telling lies and using the school to harass him. Seems to me she's discovered that this is the one sure fire way to 'get to him' since it appears that the both of you have your boundaries firmly in place.

I know that slander/libel are very hard to prove and must meet strict criteria. If I were he, since she out and out lied about him to the school re SS and 'being arrested' I might want to consult a solicitor to see if there is anything that can be done.

Original poster

Iyjd · 05/02/2023 18:34

AcrossthePond55 · 05/02/2023 16:17

He has considered going to court to agree the days that way, they’ve never had an issue with her not letting him have the kids though but then he has it written to take into school, but I don’t even know if that would make a difference. They are so close to secondary school where they will be leaving school without meeting a parent that it seems less as an issue.
All school notifications are through text and email, he noticed a couple of years ago he had missed a few things such as parents evenings and special events that he had no idea about and he couldn’t work out why, he contacted the school who confirmed that he was still on the list to be sent this information. When they checked though his number and email address had been changed, it was still his name in the email but not an address he had ever had, we assumed his ex had updated it for him. It’s so petty it’s embarrassing. The main people that missed out are the children. He missed a show he wasn’t aware of and found out his ex hadn’t even watched it so they had nobody in the audience for them. Since then one of the other parents forwards things on to him just incase it happens again.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 05/02/2023 23:47

So there's no court access order? Considering her behaviour, I'd probably see a solicitor and lay out the situation. Can't hurt to see what they say.

I'm not in the UK, but doesn't secondary start at 12? If it's anything like Jr & Sr High here in the US, parent involvement and communications becomes even more important. The other parent may be able to forward general 'goings on' to him, but he may miss out on information specific to the DC, like grades, meetings, activities. It's not just about pickups and drop offs, is it? It's about not sabotaging a parent's right to know what's going on at school. I'd assume a requirement to keep each other advised of school matters could be written into an access agreement. It's pretty common here and would cover, not only passing on information regarding the DC, but also her going into the school and lying to them about him and/or changing his contact information.

I guess only you and he can know if poking that particular pile of leaves is worth it, though.

Reugny · 06/02/2023 09:27

@AcrossthePond55 it begins at 11.

Also if the OP's DP is having "regular" contact with his children the Court won't necessarily feel the need to make an order, as an order should be made in the interests of the child.

In regards to schools - some schools, particularly secondary schools, are better than others in dealing with separated parents.

ImAvingOops · 06/02/2023 09:46

I think it's very important that he takes legal advice and that he puts it in writing to the schools (primary and secondary) that he is to be informed separately to the mum about anything concerning his children and to only allow him to update contact details.

This is something I would go to court over - she is damaging his reputation and relationship with his children. And if she's making accusations of abuse this could potentially affect you too, as a teacher with access to children. What she is doing isn't just annoying, it's potentially very harmful and you should take legal steps to get it stopped.
Personally I'd go for full residency if these were my kids and their parent was trying to harm me in this way - she is showing no consideration of her children's best interests.

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