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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have dsc today

184 replies

Iyjd · 01/02/2023 08:45

I’ve name changed because this is potentially outing.

I am a teacher, I am not striking today because it is not my union but I am off work ill. DP is working far away with no way of getting home in the next few hours, I have tried to call him but have been unable to get through, he is driving his team and I think will still be driving.

DSC (9 and 11) schools announced at 8am they were closed due to the strikes, I happened to be texting one of them and mentioned being ill. Their Mum immediately messaged me saying I need to have them today so that she can go to work, I’ve replied saying I am too poorly to look after them, she has come back saying they have online learning to do so will be no trouble. I’ve again told her no but she has told me she will bring them anyway because I am being selfish. I heard DP lock the door before he left at 5am this morning and I don’t even feel well enough to get downstairs. DP has even left me food on my bedside table to see me through the day.

I love them both and during lockdown I happily had DSC most days because I was home too, but today I am too ill. As much as she says they won’t need me I know full well they will want me, they will need help with lunch, or have the odd maths question or want help with Netflix, that kind of thing and I honestly just don’t feel well enough. If I had felt well enough for that then I would have gone into work myself. I am worried about them feeling rejected if she just turns up and I don’t answer the door and it damaging our future relationship.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2023 11:05

I hope you’re getting some rest. I think your dp needs to be opening a line of communication with his ex to deal with such matters in future, email could be a good route perhaps.

Original poster
Iyjd · 01/02/2023 11:07

I fell asleep! I haven’t hear the door and haven’t heard from her again but I have had a message from DSC asking if I am doing anything nice today because she is bored (hasn’t said if she is at home). DP just rang me to see if I was ok and I told him and he said it’s not my problem to worry about and that we were both told that his ex was at home with them so to ignore it. My school announced last week that we were closing for the day so if I had been in work I could have taken them in with me but we didn’t offer it because they said their Mum had booked the day off, and then if we had suggested this and then I woke up this poorly DP would have stayed home but it was too late by the time she got in touch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iyjd · 01/02/2023 11:10

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2023 11:05

I hope you’re getting some rest. I think your dp needs to be opening a line of communication with his ex to deal with such matters in future, email could be a good route perhaps.

He has tried in the past. He has tried having contact through a family member too but she just became abusive towards them so they refused to do it anymore. I’ve never given her my number before or had any contact through me so she must have taken my number from DSC phone.

OP posts:
HelpASisterOut999 · 01/02/2023 11:29

I would fucking laugh my head off if BM told me I had to look after HER children today 😂

Gymnopedie · 01/02/2023 11:35

He asked his children at the weekend what was happening with school over the strike and one said Mum has booked the day off just incase so I don’t think she is actually stuck.

Sounds like she heard you were at home and immediately thought 'whoopee I can palm them off on to lyjd and have a day to myself'.

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 11:41

You need to block her number ifshe contacts you and have a look at how much you are involved.

Sounds like you are vulnerable to being used.

Your partner needs to find a way to communicate about his children that doesn't involve you.

They are not your children or your responsibility.

His ex is just another CF.

Original poster
Iyjd · 01/02/2023 11:45

Gymnopedie · 01/02/2023 11:35

He asked his children at the weekend what was happening with school over the strike and one said Mum has booked the day off just incase so I don’t think she is actually stuck.

Sounds like she heard you were at home and immediately thought 'whoopee I can palm them off on to lyjd and have a day to myself'.

I’ve got zero experience of being a single parent so I can only imagine how exhausting it can be, but we have them all weekend and all school holidays except for 3 weeks she has them and her parents help out before and after school each day. In the past her friend (also a single mum and a TA at DSC school) used to pick them up after school for her a couple of times a week and had them during the day during school holidays for a week, until she found out that she was keeping them until 6:15 on a night but their Mum actually finished work at 4 and was going home first and having an hour before setting off to pick them up. She then also found out that she had them over the holidays when their Mum was secretly on annual leave and was having the days to herself. So I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually thought this.

I feel adding this is incredibly outing but at this point I don’t care because she was so forceful this morning when I couldn’t even lift my head up.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2023 11:45

Tell her no in no uncertain terms, go back to bed and don’t answer the door.

anaconda1831 · 01/02/2023 11:46

I’d reply and just say aim sorry I am too ill to take them. I would definitely have them if I felt up to it but I just don’t, you need to make other arrangements.

Tlittle · 01/02/2023 11:47

Nah she's being a cheeky cow. Stay in bed and rest and get well soon. I am a single mum and am in a long term relationship with a single dad.
I sometimes have his lovely kids in the holidays while he works. But if I am Ill or my dear kids then he would find other arrangements as he should.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 12:03

anaconda1831 · 01/02/2023 11:46

I’d reply and just say aim sorry I am too ill to take them. I would definitely have them if I felt up to it but I just don’t, you need to make other arrangements.

Never wise to apologise for not wanting to pander to someone taking the absolute piss out of you.

itsgettingweird · 01/02/2023 12:10

I was all prepared for saying yabu.

However having read your OP and following posts YANBU in the slightest.

You are off very unwell. Or you'd be at work.

If you were off striking yourself and well then I'd say have them - which is what I was expecting before I read it!

Beautiful3 · 01/02/2023 12:15

It's not even your husband's day to have them. Also what would she have done if you went to work?! She's being harsh here, kinda sounds like she's blaming you for the teacher strikes?! Just ignore and do not answer the door. Otherwise she'll always think she can walk all over you.

WinnieFosterReads · 01/02/2023 12:18

I'm confused. Your OP says they were told at 8am. Then your post says your DH spoke to them about the strike at the weekend and they told your DH their DM had booked the day off. If she knew in advance and had booked the day off then she was just being cheeky. If they all only found out at 8am, then I'd have tried to help. You didn't have to help. There was no obligation. But if I was well enough to be on MN, I'd have let them in. They're not tiny DCs. You could still have slept.

gogohmm · 01/02/2023 12:19

At 9&11 you can just leave them too it. Yabu you chose to have step children, this is called being helpful

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/02/2023 12:20

Hillarious · 01/02/2023 09:01

Still stand by what I said. The OP is part of a blended family. If she felt fully justified in her actions, she wouldn't be asking if she was being unreasonable.

OP is unwell! You seriously think she should look after her stepchildren just because the children’s parents can’t be bothered to sort out childcare?!

She did more than enough supporting them during lockdown but as a stepmother her duties to her stepchildren shouldn’t involve sourcing childcare/looking after them whether she’s well or unwell.

Rebs0101 · 01/02/2023 12:21

WinnieFosterReads · 01/02/2023 12:18

I'm confused. Your OP says they were told at 8am. Then your post says your DH spoke to them about the strike at the weekend and they told your DH their DM had booked the day off. If she knew in advance and had booked the day off then she was just being cheeky. If they all only found out at 8am, then I'd have tried to help. You didn't have to help. There was no obligation. But if I was well enough to be on MN, I'd have let them in. They're not tiny DCs. You could still have slept.

Well enought to be on MN 🤣 yeah, cos that compares doesn't it.

Hillarious · 01/02/2023 12:23

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/02/2023 12:20

OP is unwell! You seriously think she should look after her stepchildren just because the children’s parents can’t be bothered to sort out childcare?!

She did more than enough supporting them during lockdown but as a stepmother her duties to her stepchildren shouldn’t involve sourcing childcare/looking after them whether she’s well or unwell.

Show quote history

Well, if the OP were as ill as everyone is making out on her behalf, she wouldn't be seeking justification for her actions. She asked for an opinion. I gave mine. I would help out in this situation.

Rebs0101 · 01/02/2023 12:23

gogohmm · 01/02/2023 12:19

At 9&11 you can just leave them too it. Yabu you chose to have step children, this is called being helpful

You're clearly someone who expects SPs to be free childcare then aren't you. What a ridiculous statement.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/02/2023 12:24

gogohmm · 01/02/2023 12:19

At 9&11 you can just leave them too it. Yabu you chose to have step children, this is called being helpful

OP stated she can’t just leave them to it as they need help with their lunches and would ask her maths questions.

Also when you’re really unwell would you really want to be worrying about step children in the same house? No.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/02/2023 12:25

Hillarious · 01/02/2023 12:23

Well, if the OP were as ill as everyone is making out on her behalf, she wouldn't be seeking justification for her actions. She asked for an opinion. I gave mine. I would help out in this situation.

Show quote history

So she’s not allowed to type a post on MN (which I’ve done to when I’ve been really unwell). Unfucking-believable!

Original poster
Iyjd · 01/02/2023 12:26

WinnieFosterReads · 01/02/2023 12:18

I'm confused. Your OP says they were told at 8am. Then your post says your DH spoke to them about the strike at the weekend and they told your DH their DM had booked the day off. If she knew in advance and had booked the day off then she was just being cheeky. If they all only found out at 8am, then I'd have tried to help. You didn't have to help. There was no obligation. But if I was well enough to be on MN, I'd have let them in. They're not tiny DCs. You could still have slept.

Their school didn’t announce if they were closing or not until 8am. The strikes have been very well publicised so she will have been aware of them. DP asked at the weekend what was happening if their school was closed, they told him she had booked the day off. If she has booked the day off in anticipation, why should I look after them when I am ill?
Lying in bed scrolling on my phone is a lot easier than looking after two children. For one we weren’t expecting them so there is nothing prepared in terms of lunch, me and DP eat at work mostly so I would need to go to the shop or cook a full meal that was planned for tea, no way do I feel well enough to get up and drive to the shop. I know them very well, you do not, I couldn’t have slept, they would be in every 5 minutes. Wait until you find out I also have the tv on.

OP posts:
Rebs0101 · 01/02/2023 12:27

Don't pander to her. It's her contact day. Everyone knew the strikes were a possibility. You are NOT free childcare, ESPECIALLY when you are ill.

Sounds like she palms her kids off left right and centre and would prefer them to have a relationship with anyone but herself and uses this against you to make you feel bad. I feel bad for the kids. Imagine knowing mum was off anyway but she's trying to force you to to go to a sick persons house, where they'll end up catching what ever bug you have, just so she can have the day to herself. Sad really.

Ignore her, get some rest and know this isn't your issue to sort out and you've done nothing wrong by standing firm with her. Hope you feel better soon.

Hillarious · 01/02/2023 12:27

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/02/2023 12:25

So she’s not allowed to type a post on MN (which I’ve done to when I’ve been really unwell). Unfucking-believable!

Show quote history

Of course she can post. Am I not allowed to give an opinion she disagrees with?

strawberry2017 · 01/02/2023 12:29

It's one thing if you have a good relationship with the other parent but when they cause difficulties or don't want to work with you then why should you do them favours when it suits them.
Feel better soon x