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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have dsc today

184 replies

Iyjd · 01/02/2023 08:45

I’ve name changed because this is potentially outing.

I am a teacher, I am not striking today because it is not my union but I am off work ill. DP is working far away with no way of getting home in the next few hours, I have tried to call him but have been unable to get through, he is driving his team and I think will still be driving.

DSC (9 and 11) schools announced at 8am they were closed due to the strikes, I happened to be texting one of them and mentioned being ill. Their Mum immediately messaged me saying I need to have them today so that she can go to work, I’ve replied saying I am too poorly to look after them, she has come back saying they have online learning to do so will be no trouble. I’ve again told her no but she has told me she will bring them anyway because I am being selfish. I heard DP lock the door before he left at 5am this morning and I don’t even feel well enough to get downstairs. DP has even left me food on my bedside table to see me through the day.

I love them both and during lockdown I happily had DSC most days because I was home too, but today I am too ill. As much as she says they won’t need me I know full well they will want me, they will need help with lunch, or have the odd maths question or want help with Netflix, that kind of thing and I honestly just don’t feel well enough. If I had felt well enough for that then I would have gone into work myself. I am worried about them feeling rejected if she just turns up and I don’t answer the door and it damaging our future relationship.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iyjd · 02/02/2023 22:01

GingerNutMe · 02/02/2023 18:51

But well enough to type an essay, just saying ................ 😉

Not sure lying in bed typing on my phone uses the same amount of energy as looking after two children. I don’t have children of my own but if it is in fact the same then I will no longer show my friends sympathy when struggling with their children because it is actually easy.

OP posts:
mustgetoffmn · 02/02/2023 22:16

FOJN · 01/02/2023 09:02

I’ve again told her no but she has told me she will bring them anyway because I am being selfish.

Wow, you had the DSC most days during lockdown and this is how she responds when you are ill?

Turn your phone off and do not answer the door.

I am so sorry you are being taken for granted and do hope you feel better soon.

That’s so rude of her. She will also be even more stretched if both or either of the children catch your illness and she has to in the end cover her work for their illness.

Charmian1957 · 02/02/2023 22:16

You are ill & in no fit state to go to work. So you should not be looking after the kids. It is the mother's responsibility. End of.

GillianCarole · 02/02/2023 22:43

My goodness, she's a piece of work. Not only are you ill, but she is causing you to feel worse because of her selfish demands. Talk about sense of entitlement! You clearly are in no position to do anything - in this sort of situation I would make it very clear to her what her responsibilities are. Although, on reflection, I would rest and ask your partner or son to speak to her so that she understands that she has done wrong.

Liorae · 02/02/2023 23:56

GillianCarole · 02/02/2023 22:43

My goodness, she's a piece of work. Not only are you ill, but she is causing you to feel worse because of her selfish demands. Talk about sense of entitlement! You clearly are in no position to do anything - in this sort of situation I would make it very clear to her what her responsibilities are. Although, on reflection, I would rest and ask your partner or son to speak to her so that she understands that she has done wrong.

I doubt the mother is unaware that she was doing wrong. She didn't care, and still won't care if OP's partner has a word with her.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/02/2023 00:18

Its not your problem but it is your DH.

Why does he only have them at weekends? So she has to juggle all childcare in weekdays whilst working and he doesn't? He needs to pull his weight.

GoldilockMom · 03/02/2023 00:27

I wouldn’t send my kids to someone with flu! Awful suggestion.

I hope you feel better soon.

Mammyloveswine · 03/02/2023 00:40

How does step mum know you are ill? Id have just said "I'm not striking"..

However it depends what is wrong with you, if these were your children you'd cope with a 9 and 11 year old...

I had my two off (5 and 7)..I'm currently off on bereavement/stress leave due to the sudden death of my mam and my dad almost dying... my husband left too so I am running on fumes and rely on getting a few hours sleep after drop off so I can function as I can't sleep on a night..,

This isn't a whoah is my me post op, I think they probably are taking thr piss but if you can cope with ordering them a maccies, giving them the Netflix password and leaving them to it whilst you rest up then do it.

If you are so ill this is unsafe then it needs to be your partner who says this to his ex, NOT you.

I hope you feel better soon.

Mammyloveswine · 03/02/2023 00:45

Ignore me op, just read the full thread.. shes a cheeky fucker.

Hope you are feeling better.

Charmian1957 · 03/02/2023 02:47

I know yhe feeling of running on no sleep. Did it for so many years. My youngest is severely disabled, although now 23 years is still developmentally 3 months & can do nothing for herself. She has Cask Gene Mutation. But my others needed to get to school. & girls/boys brigade stuff needed help with homework & everything. I was a single Mum at the time & it is hard, but I never expected anyone else to pick up the pieces.

I finally met my Prince Charming we Were living together & got engaged during the lockdown, planning our wedding , then Covid got him & he didn't make it.
Anyway the Mother of the children should have made arrangements re her children & the strike days. Even if she had asked the lady to have them, with her being ill, she should not be looking after them. If she was well she was expected at work. If the Mother could not bother to sort out child care, then it would be her responsibility to look after them and explain to her boss why she could not go into work. The boss would probably wonder why she had not sorted child care in the first place. It is not the responsibility of the lady who wrote the original post.

Weedoormatnomore · 03/02/2023 07:59

I think you did the right thing not having them. He had them a lot already when does the mum spend time with them if you have them at weekend? My brother had same thing with ex she told school he was a drinker etc lies and not to talk to him. He only got the contact order signed after telling ex he would not have the kids till he had it she quickly signed the paperwork as was summer holidays lol. Once he had contact order signed he got things at school sorted.

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/02/2023 08:47

I must be missing something - why is the OP obligated to childmind someone else's children?

Dou8hnuts · 03/02/2023 11:05

If you hadn’t been I’ll you’d have been at work so she would still have had to find care for the kids. These strikes have been well advertised it wasn’t just a mass walk out on the day. She needs to have contingency plans for things like this and a poorly stepmother is not a contingency plan. YANBU

ImAvingOops · 03/02/2023 11:46

As an aside, are the school taking his ex's accusations seriously? I'd have thought that they couldn't restrict access or information to a parent who has legal PR, just on the say so of the other parent. Because we all know that sometimes people lie!
And if they have acted on her actions, he should make a formal complaint to the school and make them aware that he has the children every weekend - if he was a threat to them in any way, the mother wouldn't happily drop them off at your house for contact!
Where schools have concerns re children's safety, their role is to contact social services or the police, not take it upon themselves to restrict the parent's access.

funinthesun19 · 03/02/2023 11:52

LaDamaDeElche · 02/02/2023 20:50

If you were a stepdad and a teacher and the maternal mother was away, you wouldn't have even been asked by the ex. Don't even feel bad about it. At the end of the day they're not your kids and they don't live with you. Not your responsibility.

I always say this. The stepdad would never be expected to look after the kids for the dad. But for some reason there are mums who don’t think anything of expecting their children’s stepmum to help her out.

A dad would be told to F off by the stepdad and the mum and would be fully supported by the mum on the grounds that the dad should be able to manage the few days he has the kids without expecting the mum or stepdad to help.
But that still doesn’t mean the stepmum owes the mum anything and it’s as simple as that. Whether the mum has the kids 10 days out of 14 or not.

Buttonjugs · 03/02/2023 12:56

Funkyblues101 · 01/02/2023 13:48

Age 9 and 11 they can just stay downstairs doing whatever while you are ill upstairs, presumably sleeping. At their age, you just need to be there in the case of an emergency, which is unlikely.
If they don't do their school work, so what? If they eat weird and random food from the fridge a day, so what? It's ONE day.

My grandchildren are this age and while they can amuse themselves to a degree I know I couldn’t look after them if I was ill. They sometimes fight, they are always asking me questions and they do make a lot of noise. I always feel exhausted after having them for a full day. Your point is ridiculous.

T1Dmama · 03/02/2023 13:27

It really annoys me when people say ‘treat them like they were your children’…
They are NOT OP’s children, they HAVE a mother, OP has already been amazing by having them and teaching them through lock down…. There is bo way I’d have anyone else’s child(ren) when I was poorly… or for that matter even on a day off!! Yes OP has met a man who has children, but the arrangement is he has them at weekends, OP is not obliged to interact with the kids on his weekends let alone on the mothers contact days!
People will disagree and that’s fine, but every family situation is different & there’s no way I’d put myself out for this woman who accuses the father of goodness knows what! She’s a piece of work and I wouldn’t help her

T1Dmama · 03/02/2023 13:31

Totally agree with you @Buttonjugs ,
someone I know actually got reported and fined for leaving her son unsupervised and he was older than these children.
OP needs to rest, not worry about what 2 children who aren’t even hers are doing downstairs.
ONE day or not, they’re not OP’s problem.

billy1966 · 03/02/2023 13:47

T1Dmama · 03/02/2023 13:27

It really annoys me when people say ‘treat them like they were your children’…
They are NOT OP’s children, they HAVE a mother, OP has already been amazing by having them and teaching them through lock down…. There is bo way I’d have anyone else’s child(ren) when I was poorly… or for that matter even on a day off!! Yes OP has met a man who has children, but the arrangement is he has them at weekends, OP is not obliged to interact with the kids on his weekends let alone on the mothers contact days!
People will disagree and that’s fine, but every family situation is different & there’s no way I’d put myself out for this woman who accuses the father of goodness knows what! She’s a piece of work and I wouldn’t help her

Completely agree.

OP, you clearly have done far too much and now this CF thinks you are the aupair skivvy.

Have a good look at how you are viewed and pull well back.

We teach people how to treat us and you have given this woman the impression that you are to be used.

Blocking her number is a start.

Step back from your involvement and reassert your independence.

You are NOT the help and they are NOT your children.

funinthesun19 · 03/02/2023 13:49

T1Dmama · 03/02/2023 13:27

It really annoys me when people say ‘treat them like they were your children’…
They are NOT OP’s children, they HAVE a mother, OP has already been amazing by having them and teaching them through lock down…. There is bo way I’d have anyone else’s child(ren) when I was poorly… or for that matter even on a day off!! Yes OP has met a man who has children, but the arrangement is he has them at weekends, OP is not obliged to interact with the kids on his weekends let alone on the mothers contact days!
People will disagree and that’s fine, but every family situation is different & there’s no way I’d put myself out for this woman who accuses the father of goodness knows what! She’s a piece of work and I wouldn’t help her

Yep, it annoys me too. And it can cause problems further down the line. There is a thread currently running where a stepdad is overstepping after the split because he’s probably been so heavily involved for the past 5 years that it’s difficult to shake off.
I can only imagine the mum’s reaction if OP split with her husband and then insisted on a contact schedule to see them. It would be all, “You’re not their mum”. Well, yeah. Shame you didn’t realise that when I was ill that time in bed and you was hassling me to have your kids for you.

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 03/02/2023 13:52

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/02/2023 08:47

I must be missing something - why is the OP obligated to childmind someone else's children?

Because, to some people, by starting a relationship with a man who has children means they automatically become your responsibility any time that either of their parents/those with parental responsibility for them can’t have them/needs school holidays covered due to lack of leave/sick days or whatever - rather than inconvenience themselves or ask people on their side of the daily/friends to help out. And wow betide any stepmother who, like in this situation, says no because they aren’t sat at home with nothing better to do themselves!!

Stewball01 · 03/02/2023 14:16

I don't understand the relationship as I don't know what the letters mean. I'm a newbe however ill is ill and you may have something catching unless it's the monthlies. I was so pleased to stop them. Feel well.

ImAvingOops · 04/02/2023 15:46

I'm totally on the OPs side in this situation but I do think it's odd that there are people who think a woman (or man) has no obligation to interact with their partner's children on that partner's contact days. If you date someone with kids I think you do have to willing for them to become part of your life. Obviously that's not the same as doing childcare if you don't want to.

Original poster
Iyjd · 05/02/2023 00:49

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/02/2023 00:18

Its not your problem but it is your DH.

Why does he only have them at weekends? So she has to juggle all childcare in weekdays whilst working and he doesn't? He needs to pull his weight.

He does pull his weight. He also has them all school holidays except for 2 weeks. When they split up his solicitor advised him it wasn’t worth going to court for 50:50 because her older child had the same arrangement with her and his Dad (but not the school holidays) and it was unlikely they would rule for them to be away from their older sibling for longer, so she picked the hours.

He also used to have them for days if school contact him because they are ill, but not since she told school he can’t be an emergency contact, but that is her own fault. He picks them up and drops them each at clubs during the week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iyjd · 05/02/2023 01:01

ImAvingOops · 03/02/2023 11:46

As an aside, are the school taking his ex's accusations seriously? I'd have thought that they couldn't restrict access or information to a parent who has legal PR, just on the say so of the other parent. Because we all know that sometimes people lie!
And if they have acted on her actions, he should make a formal complaint to the school and make them aware that he has the children every weekend - if he was a threat to them in any way, the mother wouldn't happily drop them off at your house for contact!
Where schools have concerns re children's safety, their role is to contact social services or the police, not take it upon themselves to restrict the parent's access.

They did take it seriously because she told them social services were involved and that he had been arrested and that they must not be around him because he would be breaking bail. Obviously none of this is true, the dsl has spoken to both children and he went in for a meeting yesterday and they are happy for him to go back to collecting them. It has been a very stressful few weeks for him though.
They did tell him it isn’t the first time that she has contacted school with this style of concern about him and their quality of care whilst here.

There was a comment from one today about how their Mum had been upset that I cancelled the other day last minute after promising to have them weeks ago and she missed an important appointment but DP very quickly explained I was ill and if I hadn’t been I would have been at work, and I wasn’t asked until the morning. He used to just ignore her lies that came from the children but he kindly corrects them now because he is concerned that they will learn it is ok to lie, or they will believe every lie and be at risk of being easily manipulated when they are older.

OP posts: