AIBU to think it shouldn't be this fucking hard to get a baby to nap in a cot?

[OdeToBarney]

DD is 9 months.

Has napped in her cot once or twice and only then with a lot of tears and anguish - on both sides. She sleeps in her cot at night an absolute dream.

All naps are currently co-sleeping and it's affecting my mental health. I get no break all day long. It's miserable. DH helps where he can, but he's working Monday to Friday.

I've tried again with a cot nap this afternoon and she just refuses to lay down and go to sleep. I tried from 1.45 - 3.30, took her downstairs, we played, had a drink and a clean nappy and I'm currently trying again as she is going to be a mega rat bag this evening if she doesn't sleep at all. But she just keeps standing up and cruising round the cot, before dropping on her bum, crawling around and starting all over again. She's been awake since 10.45am this morning (she had an hours contact nap at 9.45 after being up since 6.30, which is all normal).

We've had a sleep consultant who basically couldn't give us any magic answers. She just said well you have a high needs child, it's never going to be easy.

I can't go on like this. Help me please wise people of MN!

Not sure this is the answer, but we're getting there with my 6 month old. What we do is

• use Huckleberry to track when nap is likely to fall
• go up before the nap time / the moment she starts rubbing her eyes
• blind down (dark but not black out) and nightlight on
• into her sleeping bag
• nighttime playlist goes on (Sleepy Baby Suite on Spotify)
• gently rock her until she's asleep
• put her down bum first then head. Keep hand behind head for a moment. Then do slow, heavy pats on chest
• light off and retreat!

Sometimes this works and we get an hour, sometimes not. Obviously only works if you're at home. Sometimes we have to go back in and repeat. Sometimes I give up and feed her to sleep, then transfer. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't!

I have no idea whether this would meet the needs of a 9mo though.

All I can say is that it's shit and hard and ignore some of the comments in here. Of course you don't want to be nap trapped. I've got housework to do, errands, and before Christmas I was regularly ending up sitting in a dark cold room, starving, freezing, empty water bottle and dead phone because I was trying to ensure that my daughter got a 2 hour nap. In the end a week's holiday helped my partner and I to get something in place but nap traps still happen. I'm sorry.

Signed, a currently nap trapped woman

I used to get them down to sleep in the pram and then wheel it into the house (or leave outside the back door if nice weather). Cot naps just didn't happen for me

I'd try to get some accessories and while you're stressing about getting her down for a nap, she is picking up on that stress (even if you're not realising that you're giving off stress signals).

Try a blackout blind for starters (as someone up thread suggested). You may need it more coming into the spring/summer than you ever did.

You mentioned that she fell asleep in Ikea of all places - perhaps it was the motion in the buggy along with the background noise that lulled her to sleep? So get a USB speaker and play some white/pink/brown noise through the speaker. On the app called "Calm" there is actually a soundscape of a tumble dryer, a heartbeat, a washing machine, city streets and a coffee shop (to name a few). If you played them on rotation, she wouldn't get used to just one noise and would be able to get herself to sleep having the noise in the background. Eventually over time, you could phase out the background noise.

What is the temperature of her room like in comparison to the rest of the house? If it's significantly cooler, that will wake her up no matter how tired she is (or isn't).

Coming back to when she slept in Ikea, was she in a buggy that wasn't 100% flat? Was she lying as flat as it could go but not completely flat? Perhaps raise the angle of the mattress in her cot by putting a few bath sheet sized towels (folded) under the mattress?

I've seen some videos of parents putting their children to sleep for a nap and how they go from holding the baby, upright, to putting the baby down (horizontal) can startle the baby. Might this be happening?

Have you tried putting her down in her cot, saying you'll be back in a minute and then going back in to check and settling her again? Each time, stay out a bit longer. Might that work for you??

The contact nap in the morning - could you get something of yours that has your scent on it and put it in her cot? Something like #9 on this list perhaps:
www.newtonbaby.com/blogs/hush/baby-sleep-aids

These are just a few ideas that I've had and feel free to ignore them all if none of them work for you or if you've already tried them. I do send you support as this is probably one of the hardest things to do.

So you put DD down in her cot, tired, fed, burped, and with a dry nappy? Have you tried the old trick of picking her up each time she cries, then putting her straight down again? No talking and no games, because it’s sleepy time.

This worked well for me, mostly. I also used a dummy, so I’d replace it when she woke up and cried.

Mine was like this, I spent ages sitting in a dark bedroom trying to get him to nap. It never worked.

In the end I would either have him nap in my arms on the sofa and I’d sit and watch netflix, eat snacks etc. or I’d go out with him in the sling and then at least I was getting some fresh air and a walk while he slept.

It sucks but it’s not forever xx

I felt a change in this when I started using all the bedtime cues for sleep at nap time too. I think I had been worried that I’d lose the magic effect of bedtime by doing it in the day, but that wasn’t right - bedtime still worked and naps did too, with feeding, a look at a story and sleepy-tunes on the stereo.

To answer some of the questions...

Have tried a sling. That's another thing she hates. Though I could try the pram again I suppose.

She won't be rocked or patted or sushed - at all. She really is a high needs baby who knows her own mind and if she doesn't like something, we all know about it! (In reference to the earlier smart arse comment, I know this is "most babies" to some degree, but lots of people have commented on her temperament).

I have tried white noise, she does have a lullaby played on the monitor that works a treat at night. We are always consistent with the routine, including a sleeping bag, dummy, quick cuddle.

Room is a decent temp, warm but not too warm.

Yes @Cattenberg. Morning nap is after breakfast. Afternoon nap is after her 1/1.30pm bottle. Always a clean nappy and always burped.

Have also tried pick up, put down, no eye contact, generally being very boring and repeating "sleepy time now darling" every time. Works at night but not in the day!

Tommee tippee blackout blind from Amazon. Has suction cups so totally portable. My little one has 2-3 naps in his cot a day but room has to be dark and we also found a white noise machine helps!

We did try this but it resulted in very early morning wakes - like 5am. We have bought wake up time forward to 6.30am every day which certainly got us into a routine, but hasn't helped with cot naps sadly.

She starts nursery in April/May but I am minded to start her a couple of half days or 1 day a week sooner because honestly, I need a break! I just feel a bit shit about putting her in when I'm on mat leave and "supposed" to be looking after her. Plus my SMP has now run out!

I've seen these but heard multiple stories of people's windows cracking from trapped heat so was a bit put off 😳

If the car works I’d just do that. Take a book, drive around til she sleeps, park up and read: or hit the drive through and have lunch, or park at home and doze on the driveway if that’s an option.

There’s no magic I’m afraid, can you lie down on the sofa with you baby and have a nap too? This is what I did, if it’s affecting your mental health maybe a nap for yourself will help too.

@bussteward I can't do this twice a day every day. I honestly think that would be just as bad for my mental health as the current set up. I need to be able to shower and do stuff in the house as well as just sit on my sofa sometimes. No word of a lie, I never sit on my sofa before 8pm each day, which is the time I get to eat my dinner once she's asleep. (Because she also screams in the highchair which means I have no chance to prepare our dinner earlier in the day). I know all this makes me sound pathetic and that I must be doing something wrong, but believe me, I've tried everything - including trying to mentally block out her noise when she's sat there warm, fed, dry, with toys - and she still isn't happy.

I do nap with her sometimes @Favouritefruits but I don't want to nap twice a day every day. I want to shower, put food in the slow cooker and clean my gross house 😩 I'm also looking for a new job so really need time to speak with recruiters etc. At the moment DH is having to take time out of his working day to watch her, but this is obviously less than ideal.

I second a black out blind in the mean time just nail a dark blanket over the window that's what I've done before haha.

My godson was always a difficult sleeper, when we had him overnight/daytimes I would put this on and it always worked. He's 5 now and still works if he can't sleep.

Mine always contact napped with me. I would get a coffee in a saftey cup, cwtch her up with me and watch TV or read my kindle (she stopped napping totally at 11 months though!)

I think dh would divorce me for this haha! I'm going to try @BankOfDave idea of the blackout fabric and velcro from hobbycraft 😊

This sounds so tough, but things will get better. It’s all about practice and she will get there.

I don’t know if I’m allowed to post a link to a FB group, but there’s a sleep consultant who is running a free workshop atm and she’s answering questions/giving advice until the 5th Feb. Will send a DM if I’m not allowed to post in here?

She suggests taking small steps to work towards sleeping in the cot and always focus on the first nap of the day to start with as that should be the easiest. For example, instead of contacting napping sitting down, stand and rock LO until she falls asleep then transfer, then once this works the next step would be just standing and then transferring, then laying in the bed (if you can), then just a hand, until eventually you are just in the room before finally being able to put LO down awake and walking out the room.

Hope this makes sense, but her videos might be easier and they are recorded on the FB group.

I had a very good blackout blind and white noise from a fan.

And then I put them in the cot and if they cruised they cruised, if they sat they sat, I just left them to it and got on with what I needed to do. I didn’t leave them to sob their hearts out for ages, but I ignored fussing and while I’d go in to them if they were very upset, once they were in the cot that’s where they stayed until after nap time unless they had a nappy issue. Within a week it was very rare I had to go back in after putting them down.

Some people aren’t comfortable with a solution which involves crying, which is fine, but it is often how cot napping/sleeping babies happen. Of course they’d rather sleep on you, but by that age mine were too big for that to be comfortable and they needed to break the habit. They slept perfectly well in the cot at night so no reason they couldn’t in the day.

I also dropped the morning nap completely by that age, they had lunch at 11:30 and in bed by 12.

Thanks @Firsttimetrier please do pm me! Unfortunately she won't contact nap anymore, only co sleep (she's very specific 🙃) but it would probably be really useful to take a look anyway!

I do sympathise! I’d find a routine that worked and it would work for weeks or months, then it would stop working and I’d have to find something new.

Please forgive the obvious question, but are you sure she’s tired enough? My DD was quickly tired by social interactions such as baby groups, but otherwise, she’d often have stayed awake all day.

I feel like this is what I need to do. Thanks @Pinkypurplecloud. Going to sort the blind ASAP, cut down the morning nap to 30 minutes and if we still have no joy with the afternoon nap, I guess it will be time to try 1 nap a day. Just hope she can go 6.30 - midday as lunch is at 11.30 and I don't really want to change that because that's the time she'll have lunch at nursery when she starts in April. Although maybe she will sleep later in the morning? What time did yours get up and go to bed on one nap a day?

I'm not sure she is tired enough @Cattenberg. Will try a shorter morning nap at 9am for max 30 minutes and if that doesn't work, time for 1 nap a day maybe?