Just not convinced that DD doesn’t want children

[Lilliansway]

Last year, after unsuccessfully TTC for 3 years, DD and her DH were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It hit DD very hard indeed. She‘s an only child and has always told me that her dream is to have a big family. Since being a teenager she’d told me of a deep rooted fear/instinct she had that she couldn't have children. As a mother, I of course tried to rationalise these fears, yet sadly those fears have become a reality.

Up until now they’ve been on the waitlist for IVF, until today DD tells me that they are no longer going to have children and have decided to get a dog instead. DD says that they just don’t want children after all and will be happier and wealthier in the long run without. Hearing this was a shock, given DD’s prior wishes and I can’t help but feel that it’s a decision to protect herself from the stress/potential disappointment of IVF, as I know she can bury her head in the sand and avoid tough situations.

I don’t want to be a pushy parent but equally it would break my heart to sit by and watch DD to avoid something she really does want, only to regret it later in life when it’s far too late. They are both turning 30 this year, so they don’t have time on their side either. Would greatly appreciate some guidance on how to raise this topic sensitively with DD.

Do you know more about your daughter's fertility than she does?
Do you know more about how to get information, help, & access to expert fertility specialists that you do?
Do you think that she would take well to somebody thinking they know more about what "missing out" would mean to her than she does?

Coming from a caring & loving place also means respecting that our adult DC are now just that - ADULTS - & know a hell of a lot more about their lives & decisions than we do. Just read the posts by PP who've been on the wrong end of badly delivered "concern". All it did for the mothers in question was cost them their daughter's confidence & closeness.

🙄

@Cozytoesandtoast00

so many people have children have 30 so it can’t decline that much

@SpanishOnion

I do think it’s spooky still like a sixth sense. My cousin even at 15/16 would relay these fears to me. She started trying at 19 and was eventually diagnosed with poor egg reserve in her mid 20s. Multiple IVF attempts failed. Nearly 40 now and at peace with it but she was insistent even at such a young age she wouldn’t be able to catch.

@KettrickenSmiled

what?

I would be so utterly annoyed if my mum voiced anything you’ve just said to me after I told her I didn’t want children. You may mean well but don’t dig the knife into what I’m sure is already a very painful wound. Also ‘times not on their side’ - they’re 29!!!!

I’ve seen people TTC and have difficulties and go through IVF etc and it’s honestly one of the hardest things to do.

It takes a massive toll on your mental and physical health and it’s all you think about 24/7.

It sounds like she’s got to a point where she just wants to be happy in life and constantly trying for a baby is getting in the way of them living their lives and being happy.

I completely understand what you are saying and that is a risk that they will know they are taking and they wouldn’t have taken it lightly but I can also understand why they are physically and mentally exhausted and just want to try and be happy.

Hi OP. I'm a little older than your daugher but not by much, also been through 3 years of infertility. I have to say, had my mum tried to 'guide' my decision making in any way, I would have been extremely upset with her.

I know it's hard, but there is absolutely nothing you can say to your daughter that she has not considered long and hard herself already. She has been thinking about this for years. You will not influence her decisions, you will only stress her out further.

Please leave her alone and support her in whatever decision she makes.

You say at 30 time is not on their side but actually it is, they are young! They might well come back to this in a couple of years. Please leave them to process it themselves. They will make the decision that is right for them.

Very well said @KettrickenSmiled

@Lilliansway I'm an only child. I wanted loads of kids, for a while, then maybe one or 2...until I realised they were bloody hard work and that conception was not as easy for me, or my partner, as a visit from the angel Gabriel.🤷‍♀️
IVF was the only option for us. I didn't want that, and neither did he. We chose 😻😸 rather than dogs.
I really don't want to offend you, but please, mind your own business. She and her OH will not have flipped a coin to get to this point.

I am unexplained. 4 years of ttc and 2 rounds of failed IVF. Countless investigations, tests and invasive procedures! A lot of money spent on a dream that has never become reality . Plans on hold, no holidays taken. Depression, suicidal thoughts, heartbreak and a lot of tears. This is IVF! And no, I still don't have a baby Because IVF chances are so slim.

Perhaps your daughter doesn't want to face all of the above.
Whatever you may wish to say to your daughter, think twice before adding more pressure on her.

Leave your daughter alone. I have unexplained infertility and made the decision not to put myself through ivf. I couldn't put my body and mental health through that when there's no guarantee of a baby at the end.

I've also managed to convince family and friends that I changed my mind and don't really want a baby anymore but it's how I cope. Yes it's a lie but it makes things easier for me. Please don't keep going on at your daughter

Just let her get a dog, or dogs, or dogs and cats and ferrets and horses and whatever else she wants until you honestly think they're on the brink not being cared for properly. She won't get many, anyway.

It may be that she'll be able to revisit the subject of children and childlessness in the future but right now, they want a dog.

Jesus, she’s 29 not 49!

💐 I/we chickened out way before where you're at.
Very best wishes, not matter what path you take. 💐

She's only in her 20s! A good ten years or more left to have children.
A few years forgetting about it with a dog will do her good.

In a world where it's true

Also, your DD doesn't necessarily mean that she would actively prevent a pregnancy. Just doesn't want IVF. It is ok not to want to go through a stressful and invasive procedure.

If this is the case, she and her husband will probably have sex without contraception for the rest of their fertile years, accepting that if there is no baby, that is sad but ultimately she has made her peace with it. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about her sex life with you.

Your DD has decided the amount she feels safe to invest in it and has accepted it might not happen. She is choosing to live with acceptance. Trust her - why do you want to open this wound for her?

If she already knows - which she almost certainly does. The fact that it’s true makes reminding her of it hurtful, not helpful.

I would not mention this to your daughter again. Unexplained infertility is a hard situation to deal with as it shows they both have had tests and everything appears to be ok.
Meanwhile your daughter has been ttc for the past 3 years. She has probably put a lot of her life on hold during this time ie not changing jobs or not going on holidays and her husband the same.

One of my friends had ivf. When she told me all the tests and how honest the clinic were about her chances I realised that IVF is not the easy option that certain people make out. It's both physically and mentally hard to deal with. My friend went on to have her 2 kids via IVF but it was not easy and it was at a considerable financial cost.

Your daughter may have said as a child I like a few kids but after trying for 3 years and nothing happening she has had to deal with a lot of disappointment. That can be very hard especially if her friends are pregnant or have children. They probably look into IVF and decided not to go down that route for any number of reasons. So they have decided to stop TTC and get a dog.
You need to accept their decision.

As someone who was once in your daughter's position, your post has really annoyed me, rightly or wrongly.

She's a grown adult, capable of making her own choices and how insulting of you to think you know better.

I can't stand the fact so many people think their point of view is important or relevant when it comes to other people's reproductive decisions.

My reproductive system is faulty but my brain is fully functioning. Do you think that her infertility has rendered her incapable of making decisions that work for her?

Give your daughter some credit for knowing her own mind and having an ability to make her own choices.

It's none of your business.

What sort of dog? Oooooh, what do they look like? Do they shed lots of fur? How many? Where would you get them/it from?

What sort of dogbed would you like, I'd like to make you a present of one so tell me your ideal!

May I take it for the odd walk, or go with you occasionally?

Some of those questions are a bit pushy, but will all come out if she and her dh chat with you about it.

At least ask the basics, anyway.

@Fairysilver

Thats the thing though she hasn’t. If she had normal fertility maybe but in the context of poor fertility then yes the OP is right, she does not have time on her side.

If she was my daughter and I knew she had a tendency to dismiss important things in her life I would have a conversation with her about her being absolutely sure she doesn’t want to proceed. I would want to really clarify this with her. If she then told me she didn’t want to face IVF then I would totally respect her decision and I also wouldn’t blame her. IVF is brutal. Then again me and my own mother have really open communication/dialogue, depends on how yous communicate. OP you do know your daughter more than anyone who is going to reply here.

'In a world where it's true'

So pointing out a bloody obvious and deeply painful truth is helpful how exactly???

The dd has been trying to conceive for 3 years. Starting at a comparatively young age. Don't you think she's actually thought about this, discussed it with her dh and with the various medics who have concluded unexplained infertility.

How the actual fuck is it helpful for the OP to keep reminding her dd that her natural fertility is in decline?

Jesus.

@Lilliansway I have a slightly different view overall. If I'd told my mum at the age of 30 that I'd decided not to go down the TTC at all costs route, she'd have asked me if I was really sure that it's what I wanted, and would have said I might regret it later on. I'd say the same to my DD - but that's the kind of relationship we have. She is an adult now, so can talk to me on a more 'friends' basis. I'd say the same to her as I'd say to a friend.

Not having children (or trying to) is not something a woman can change her mind about later on. Men can change their minds more or less forever. And unlike PP, I don't think that someone who's nearly 30 is "only in her 20s". We all know women who've conceived naturally into their 40s - but fertility starts to decline at 30. We may not like this, but it's a biological reality.

In your situation, OP, I'd probably tell my DD my thoughts, but would probably also counsel her that the decision she has made is perfectly valid, but it would be equally valid to change her mind again. She doesn't have to make a final decision now. And just as we hear stories of women in their 40s conceiving, we also hear stories of women becoming pregnant naturally once they give up on the idea.