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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry with H annual leave

411 replies

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 06:58

DD isn't very well, was up most of the night last night, we finally settled down at 4.30, she's just awaken. Whilst I was up with her H was happily snoring away on the sofa. This morning I've just asked him if he can have her a couple of hours so I can go back to sleep. He said no as he is on leave this week so I need to treat it like he isn't here as im normally on my own mondays. Now I already get resentful over H's leave as all my leave is taken up for DDs hols, but he said that's fine as I don't work Mon and Wednesdays (albeit still have DD on these days)

Your being unreasonable - he is on leave and this time is his, he wouldn't normally be here anyway

Your not being unreasonable - he's not at work so should help you out

OP posts:
Overthebow · 30/01/2023 07:11

He is so selfish. Why did he get to sleep on the sofa and not help with dd, and why are your holidays all used up for dds holidays and his isn’t?

Original poster
EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 07:12

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2023 07:09

He is on leave from work not parenting

and why never leave

Honestly, fear. Fear of no support, I have little family and no childcare options apart from paid, no friends close by a d also financially, with the cost of rent now I couldn't afford to be a single parent. I suppose I see ot now as I'm like a single parent but with financial help with the bills.

OP posts:
Dippyeggz · 30/01/2023 07:13

Why do some men feel like they can simply opt out of family life as and when it suits them? And how do their consciences let them? It honestly baffles me. How can you look in the mirror knowing what a pathetic, useless excuse for a human you are?

Slimjimtobe · 30/01/2023 07:14

He’s so selfish and spiteful to leave you exhausted like that. I couldn’t love someone like that.

Oysterbabe · 30/01/2023 07:15

Being able to take annual leave for reasons other than childcare is a massive privilege which will end when your child is school age. I don't think I'd manage to contain my anger at this prick.

BMrs · 30/01/2023 07:15

Wow, he sounds awful! The fact that he is in leave means he has time to help you. When I first started reading I presumed he was going to say something like.'sorry I can't help I've got to work'.
I still can't get over the fact that he's taken a week off work just for himself either.
I think parents should act as a team but he is defo it key not your teammate right now.

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 30/01/2023 07:16

OP - go to benefits calculator. See what you would be entitled to as a single parent. Don’t forget child maintenance. This is no way to live.

ToDoListAddict · 30/01/2023 07:20

He's taken a week of work and plans to spend zero time with his wife and child?!
Incredibly selfish behaviour.
I hope you stop cooking all his meals, washing all his clothes etc and if he says anything you can just say he said to treat it as if he's not there!

Original poster
EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 07:20

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 30/01/2023 07:16

OP - go to benefits calculator. See what you would be entitled to as a single parent. Don’t forget child maintenance. This is no way to live.

I have, it's the cosy of living increase that scares me and doing it all alone. I have a good job and savings but that's not going to last long, rent on a 2 bed flat is over £800, I have no support so would have to do all the moving by myself, whilst looking after DD at the same time, plus ATM H picks DD up from childcare three days a week and has her for half an hour while I finish work, sometimes more when I'm in the office, if he isn't there for that I would have to quit my job as the days I am in office, childcare closes before I'm home.

OP posts:
HavfrueDenizKisi · 30/01/2023 07:20

What the actual fuck? No way I would be continuing with this relationship. Unless he seriously realised what a shit he was being and did a complete u turn.

You may as well be a single parent as he's as much help as a sack of shit.

Cosycover · 30/01/2023 07:21

Why do men think they get leave from their own bloody children?

Go back to bed.

Original poster
EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 07:23

It's a normal occurrence so it's just normal to me now. If the same thing happens on a weekend he will let me go back to bed, but I won't here the end of it for the rest of the day, I don't hear the end of it if I ask him to watch her while I have a bath. If I moan that he gets loads of time to himself and I get none, I get the usual comment of 'it's not a competition'

OP posts:
Foxywood · 30/01/2023 07:24

How old is she?

Can2022getanyworse · 30/01/2023 07:24

My ex used to do this.

It broke me during my second mat leave - dd was ebf and had awful reflux, I barely slept for months. The early morning I took her to A&E in absolute desperation (yes, I know it was the wrong thing to do but I was genuinely worried about both our health) he was on AL, berated me for not telling him where I'd gone in the middle of the night (I did but he'd been drinking so barely roused never mind remembered) and then told me I was on my own for the day after being awake solidly for about 30 hours.

He's an ex for more than this but this was a turning point.

Humptydumptyfellapart · 30/01/2023 07:24

ToDoListAddict · 30/01/2023 07:20

He's taken a week of work and plans to spend zero time with his wife and child?!
Incredibly selfish behaviour.
I hope you stop cooking all his meals, washing all his clothes etc and if he says anything you can just say he said to treat it as if he's not there!

Literally was about to say this. Play the prick at his own game, hell I'd enjoy making his life so miserable he'd wish he wasn't there, but that's just me and I know not overly helpful OP. I'm sorry you're having to live like this.
Agree with a PP, financially I would actually be better off single, so please check what you're entitled to if finances are a reason you feel trapped.

Duckduckgooseagain · 30/01/2023 07:28

What a horrible man! I would be petty and not do anything for him, remember he isn’t there so doesn’t need any lunch making (if you would make some while making your own). If he’s in bed you always vacuum around 8am right?

DestinysGrandchild · 30/01/2023 07:29

Go back to bed for a bit x

piedbeauty · 30/01/2023 07:31

Why is all your leave taken up for DD's holidays? That should be joint.

Op, I'm not surprised you're resentful. What is the point of him? He's not doing his fair share, he doesn't treat you well...

If he won't look after dd while you sleep, then I'd ignore him this week. No making tea, lunch or coffee for him, no doing his washing. Treat him as if he isn't there at all.

That might make him see how ridiculous he's being.

And with his' it isn't a competition' comment, ask him why he thinks it's ok for him to have all this spare time while you don't. Ask him why he thinks he's more important than you.

Life is short, op. Leaving might be hard, but I think you'd be happier.

rookiemere · 30/01/2023 07:31

Any option to talk to your manager about reducing your hours, or changing so you do 4 short days ? It sounds like the childcare pickup is the one insurmountable bit, so see if you can find a solution to that and then how you feel.

misssunshine4040 · 30/01/2023 07:32

With all due respect you are making excuses.
You would have to move on your own a re organise your child care arrangements?
£800 on a 2 bed flat is fine plus you have a good job and savings.
What do you think millions on of women including myself do?
You can sacrifice your self esteem for an easy life ( which it isnt) or get on with it and you will be absolutely fine and happier

TheMamaYo · 30/01/2023 07:32

Wtaf? How is this even a question? You are being unreasonable, only for even having to ask this. What an utter prick.

i hope you told him to stick that idea up where the Sun don’t shine.

Justanotherdaytoday · 30/01/2023 07:34

He's awful. I couldn't and wouldn't put up with this behaviour. Being a single parent will be a hell of a lot easier than being with a person who has signed out if family life. Yes, it will be bloody hard (I'm a single parent to three, all a little older now) but you will get there and in five years time you will be in a completely different place and glad that you left, not wasted your years on him. Your child will have a better role model too! My AL is taken up by kids school holiday, I can't 'afford' to give a day of AL up just for me let alone a week 😂What a twat.

rogueone · 30/01/2023 07:34

If your not going to leave this selfish man then please have a tough talk. You using all your leave for your DD holidays whilst he uses his for himself and refuses to engage in family
like as it’s his time is disgusting.

if you sit passively accepting this he will continue. He needs a sharp shock and that would be things need to change or it’s divorce. Let him think about that - and reflect.

Dont use the excuse of lack of support etc. if you did divorce he would likely go for 50/50 and your work won’t be affected and you can increase your hours. Living in a shitty relationship isn’t good for your child either as she will see yours as normal and history will repeat itself.

ThePoetsWife · 30/01/2023 07:34

I hope you're not doing anything for him - no cooking, laundry etc.

BodyShapeWoes · 30/01/2023 07:34

With all due respect (after reading your reply’s) you know your husband is a selfish arse but your making excuses

I can’t leave cause of X…can’t do this because of Y

Only you can make the decision not to put up with him and the situations he’s created but you won’t so, while you are not being unreasonable, you are being unreasonable about not doing anything about it