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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry with H annual leave

411 replies

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 06:58

DD isn't very well, was up most of the night last night, we finally settled down at 4.30, she's just awaken. Whilst I was up with her H was happily snoring away on the sofa. This morning I've just asked him if he can have her a couple of hours so I can go back to sleep. He said no as he is on leave this week so I need to treat it like he isn't here as im normally on my own mondays. Now I already get resentful over H's leave as all my leave is taken up for DDs hols, but he said that's fine as I don't work Mon and Wednesdays (albeit still have DD on these days)

Your being unreasonable - he is on leave and this time is his, he wouldn't normally be here anyway

Your not being unreasonable - he's not at work so should help you out

OP posts:
Monster80 · 30/01/2023 08:52

That’s outrageous. Poor you. Is there anyway you could get a babysitter so you can both sleep?

LightHousePanda · 30/01/2023 08:53

You say you won't have any support if you leave but couldn't that give you the chance to move to a place with lower rent? I know there could be issues with your job but you could relocate or get a new one and it sounds like he won't bother with custody if he's to do it himself.

Wrongsideofpennines · 30/01/2023 08:54

He is being completely selfish. The usual response should be to see how fortunate he is that it was pre-booked annual leave and he's not having to take emergency carers leave to care for his sick child.

If he is adamant you're in this alone today then ignore him all day. He expects you to pretend he's not there so do it. And then at his normal finish time hand your daughter over to him and explain that he now has to take full control because he's had a lovely calm day off and you have been working your arse off.

And then work out how you are going to leave him.

ReluctantCourier · 30/01/2023 08:54

ExH used to do this- booked all his leave to watch every match of a sports tournament. DH is my DD’s step dad and has on occasion taken days off work with no pay so I can work if she’s sick (and her actual dad was obv far too busy)

Maybebabyno2 · 30/01/2023 08:55

If my dp had said that to me, I would have laughed in his face! Absolutely rediculous that he thinks because he is on holiday from work that he can check out of normal life too.

Honestly, I would seriously be considering leaving him, he sounds to rediculous to waste your life on OP.

Whatwhatwhatnow · 30/01/2023 08:58

Agree with all the others saying selfish dick.
Is he like this every weekend too?!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/01/2023 08:59

You and you dd are worth so much more than this piece of shit. I have only said this a handful of times and ive been here years but you need to LTB. Do you want your dd to grow up thinking this is how relationships work?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 30/01/2023 08:59

Why does he have a week of annual leave? Is it so he can slob around the house doing nothing or is it for a reason?

I'd be furious if my DH refused to let me sleep while he did nothing under these circumstances. He's taking the piss and the more you let him, the more he'll do it

Eleganz · 30/01/2023 09:00

He has leave from work, not from home!

Tell him, due to staff shortages and lack of notice, that his leave request from childcare and domestic duties has been rejected. Cheeky F!

If he isn't going to help out then don't help him out either, on anything.

slowquickstep · 30/01/2023 09:01

Why the hell are you still there? Do you want your Daughter growing up believing men are Gods and women are doormats ?

RudsyFarmer · 30/01/2023 09:08

That’s a man that doesn’t want to stay in a relationship. Who has that level of selfishness!!!!!!!!!!!

quietnightmare · 30/01/2023 09:12

Disgusting. As you said you don't know if your in the wrong anymore because of his behaviour becoming the norm, let me put it into my perspective for you... in this instance it wouldn't matter if my DH was on leave, just worked a shift or was going to one later that day he would be insisting I go to bed to sleep while he looks after DD. Marriage is a partnership. You deserve better he needs to get a grip and realise that his behaviour is NOT acceptable

whoruntheworldgirls · 30/01/2023 09:13

He says you need to treat it like he's not there so no cooking for him/ no laundry for him, steal the tv remote (he can't watch tv if he isn't there) don't even talk to him.
You do need to look into leaving OP, it's awful your living like this.

billybear · 30/01/2023 09:16

no words i can put on here,go to bed leave him to it,really cant believe what he said

Back2Back2t · 30/01/2023 09:17

Is this a joke? Pretend like he's not there? So he can actually taken leave from parenting? Nope, I'm sorry but I couldn't put up with that. You might as well be a single parent then OP?

Dreamstate · 30/01/2023 09:18

I would of told him since he is on leave and if he wasn't he wouldn't be at home he can get out of the house all day and come back as he would have when he finished work.

Then I'd be packing his bags so when he came back he could go on leave permanently

MajorCarolDanvers · 30/01/2023 09:20

What everyone else said - arsehole

Puppers · 30/01/2023 09:21

What a nasty piece of work.

My dad is like this. My mum stayed for all the same reasons as you. She's still there, several decades later and has now left it too late to start again in terms of financial independence. Things are much worse. Relationships with all the (now adult) kids and grandkids have suffered. Extremely toxic and miserable all round.

I get it. It's hard and scary. But isn't it scarier to imagine your life in 10, 20, 30+ years if you do nothing?

You may need to make some very drastic changes in the short term (I.e. you could manage with one DC in a one bedroom apartment to save on rent) but it will afford you freedom and peace and the opportunity to build something better in the future.

Whiskeypowers · 30/01/2023 09:22

Christ that is astonishing.

Zanatdy · 30/01/2023 09:23

Wow. That would be the end of my marriage, completely and utterly selfish behaviour

35965a · 30/01/2023 09:23

Just chiming in to agree with everyone else, he is a selfish prick. You and your DD deserve better.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2023 09:24

She is going to grow up knowing the man in the house doesn't really give a fuck about her, he just baby sits her for you in the hope of a shag now and again.
How old is the step daughter? How is she coping with her Dad basically dumping her on his housekeeper?

PaniniHead · 30/01/2023 09:27

I bet he was like that with his first child. He just kept up appearances in front of you. Now you’ve had a child with him, he doesn’t need to keep up the pretence anymore. He’s being who he has always been. He was just careful about what parts you saw

jannier · 30/01/2023 09:28

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 07:12

Honestly, fear. Fear of no support, I have little family and no childcare options apart from paid, no friends close by a d also financially, with the cost of rent now I couldn't afford to be a single parent. I suppose I see ot now as I'm like a single parent but with financial help with the bills.

Show quote history

Plenty of people manage look at what help you could get....practically he's no help and more work.

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 30/01/2023 09:28

LTB. His attitude will rub off on the children. My EXH was, and still is, like this. He refused to do anything. I had 3 young children, decided enough was enough and left him. I'd stayed because I thought it was my only choice. Best thing I ever did. I wish I'd done it sooner because the eldest has his lazy, selfish ways, where the younger two didn't have enough of his influence and have grown up to be kind, caring young men. Not that I'm saying my DD has none of my amazing qualities, she just has too many of his arsehole ones 🤣. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did!!