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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry with H annual leave

411 replies

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 06:58

DD isn't very well, was up most of the night last night, we finally settled down at 4.30, she's just awaken. Whilst I was up with her H was happily snoring away on the sofa. This morning I've just asked him if he can have her a couple of hours so I can go back to sleep. He said no as he is on leave this week so I need to treat it like he isn't here as im normally on my own mondays. Now I already get resentful over H's leave as all my leave is taken up for DDs hols, but he said that's fine as I don't work Mon and Wednesdays (albeit still have DD on these days)

Your being unreasonable - he is on leave and this time is his, he wouldn't normally be here anyway

Your not being unreasonable - he's not at work so should help you out

OP posts:
StarsSand · 30/01/2023 08:28

I'm so angry for you. What an absolute prick.

I hope you find a way to leave him.

orangegato · 30/01/2023 08:29

The only way to deal with selfish men is to not deal with them. Fuck him right off, he won’t change, this cannot be your life. Find a way.

justcouldntthinkofausername · 30/01/2023 08:30

What a dick. How selfish! 😡 I'm furious for you op.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/01/2023 08:31

What an absolute bastard. No one has annual leave from their life, especially not parents.

Treat it like he isn’t here my arse.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2023 08:33

I would imagine this is what happened with his first child and why they split. He looked for someone to take care of his first child, then kept you trapped with another. Sorry op.

So, what to do. Two options..

  1. Get your ducks in a row to leave. Check benefits, speak to work, check what cm you'd get. Gather info of his finances. Remember it will get easier as your dd gets older. With mine I found 8 a bit leap in easiness, and then again at secondary.
  1. Accept you're staying with him due to logistics. Detach emotionally. Never sleep with him again. Grey rock convos. No laundry etc.
WisherWood · 30/01/2023 08:33

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 07:39

Its upsetting as hebhas a child from a previous relationship and he used to be a fantastic dad to her when she was round, since having DD it's like he's decided he no longer wants to parent and even when DSD is here, I'm parent to both children whilst he relaxes on a weekend as apparently he's had a long week, whilst I don't as only work part time. The change in the last 3 years has been remarkable, he's gone like this ever since I got pregnant work DD.

Well whatever you do, do not have another child with him. Make plans to get out as soon as you're financially able, as your DD gets older and is more independent. Make sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'd be tempted to stop parenting the stepchild at all but I'm not sure if I'd actually do that, as the child will suffer but your H will probably just carry on regardless.

Sparklfairy · 30/01/2023 08:33

You say you can't leave as you'll have no support, but look at him. You've got no support now!

Absolute worst case scenario you could be living life as you are now, without him dragging you down and adding to your workload, and you'll be getting CMS payments from him too. Apart from the initial upheaval (which is naturally daunting and scary), after you've ripped that plaster off your life will be immeasurably better.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 30/01/2023 08:34

Well I wouldn't convict you of murder for this! More justified homicide.
What are you going to do about it?

mycatsanutter · 30/01/2023 08:35

You must find a way to leave him even if it involves moving where rent is cheaper and you finding another job . You cannot have your dd growing up realising her dad really can't be bothered with her , it will affect her self esteem /relationships right into adulthood.

Original poster
EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 08:36

Oh don't worry, there 100% won't me any more children

OP posts:
Leafer · 30/01/2023 08:36

Ehhhhh no. He’s on leave from work not parenting. What a diiiick

RealBecca · 30/01/2023 08:36

Well there you go. He got you pregnant then he let himself go because he had you. They say abuse often starts in pregnancy and here seems to be a link between his behaviour and pregnancy.

Basically got you pregnant and gave up.

If his ex can manage so can you. at least you have a choice. Devils advocate he could.split with you tomorrow and youd be in the same position but without your self respect.

RealBecca · 30/01/2023 08:38

And youd be surprised by the benefits calculator, especially if you adjust your hours to 16 hours per week. And you may be entitled to other support once you're in the system.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 30/01/2023 08:40

I’ve never been one for eugenics but your DH is making enforced sterilisation for selfish men children an appealing prospect.

When he pulls this shite how do you react/behave? You can’t change his behaviour but you can change the way you react to it, to get different results.

Reallybadidea · 30/01/2023 08:40

Also, are you married? If so assets like the house, savings etc are normally split if you divorce. You might be able to walk away with more than you think - see a solicitor and find out what you might get. What about seeing whether you can get a flexible working agreement to change your hours and maybe leave earlier to collect from childcare?

Knowledge is power - find out what the options are and you might be less scared. Staying with someone like this is no way to live.

Ryder68 · 30/01/2023 08:40

orangegato · 30/01/2023 08:29

The only way to deal with selfish men is to not deal with them. Fuck him right off, he won’t change, this cannot be your life. Find a way.

THIS!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/01/2023 08:41

The being a great dad to his eldest was a performance to draw you in. Now he’s got you where he wants you - doing all the work.

Have you factored in his paying maintenance and also having Dd some of the time when you split up? In your calculations? Plus any top up benefits?

My exh used to be a great uncle to his nephew and niece but was as crap and selfish as yours as a dad. I know it’s different to your situation as eldest is his child, but it’s easy to do it part time - the hard part is the day in, day out grind

RealBecca · 30/01/2023 08:41

Oh and he didnt change when the baby came along, he pretended to be a good dad until then to trap you. If you split then he will pretend to be amazing again to trap another poor woman. Perhaps you can try building some form of relationship with his ex as you may be better at supporting eachother with childcare and facilitating the kids ongoing relationship.

Newmum738 · 30/01/2023 08:42

YANBU! My DH can be the same. I have to set out expectations early on!

Justalittlebitduckling · 30/01/2023 08:44

Unbelievable. Honestly I think I would just walk out on him.

Fairlybear · 30/01/2023 08:44

I understand the logistics are scary and challenging, I've been there. But the reality is you live your life with a selfish man who evidently cares not one iota about you or his child, or you find a way to carve a better life for both yourself and child. They will pick up on the way you are treated as they grow up, they'll either learn that's how you treat people and act accordingly or they will wonder why mum never left. I don't mean this to be victim blaming but the reality is that children are affected if you stay as well.

Number4224 · 30/01/2023 08:44

So are you just going to let your daughter think this is normal? You do realise she’ll probably end up with a similar man to her dad. Is that something you want for her? Be her role model and show her that his behaviour is unacceptable. Stop making excuses as to why you can’t leave.
I’m sorry if that comes across as harsh, but you need to put your daughter first.

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 30/01/2023 08:47

And if you speak to the ex I would be willing to bet that he did exactly the same to her.

It’s scary, but it sounds like while it might be hard at first you both would be better off without him.

Get everything lined up, place to go etc and leave him.

wizzywig · 30/01/2023 08:48

Ooh payback will be sweeet!

musingsinmidlife · 30/01/2023 08:52

Can you increase your hours to full time?

You can get a childcare giver to cover until you get home or talk to your boss about changing your hours. It doesn't sound like it is much time you need covered.

I would look up the grey rock method and use it until you are out. Helps to reduce conflict and to give you power back.