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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry with H annual leave

411 replies

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 06:58

DD isn't very well, was up most of the night last night, we finally settled down at 4.30, she's just awaken. Whilst I was up with her H was happily snoring away on the sofa. This morning I've just asked him if he can have her a couple of hours so I can go back to sleep. He said no as he is on leave this week so I need to treat it like he isn't here as im normally on my own mondays. Now I already get resentful over H's leave as all my leave is taken up for DDs hols, but he said that's fine as I don't work Mon and Wednesdays (albeit still have DD on these days)

Your being unreasonable - he is on leave and this time is his, he wouldn't normally be here anyway

Your not being unreasonable - he's not at work so should help you out

OP posts:
Stewball01 · 01/02/2023 06:56

This.

Murdoch1949 · 01/02/2023 07:13

What an absolute bastard he is. I'm glad you have realised that once your daughter is at school you can go FT, use childcare back up and get the fuck out. He is dragging you down and you & your daughter will flourish without him. Save every penny you can, as it sounds like you have been, so you've got a deposit for a flat & cash for essentials. Talk to Women's Aid about ways to successfully leave a marriage, even when DV has not been present. Get advice on what you need to take - copies of financial statements, utility bills, personal documents etc that you may need to get child maintenance/divorce sorted etc. Good luck.

Househusband123 · 01/02/2023 07:35

Strange. I work full time and my wife works part time. I take all my leave to coincide with children's appointments and holidays to spend time with them. The only exception is to do work on house decorating, tiling or joinery which can be hazardous if children about.

My view is, you will only get this opportunity once.

eastegg · 01/02/2023 07:45

Oysterbabe · 30/01/2023 07:15

Being able to take annual leave for reasons other than childcare is a massive privilege which will end when your child is school age. I don't think I'd manage to contain my anger at this prick.

This. I remember recently there was a thread about a teacher DH whinging that he never got any holiday time without the kids. Join the bloody club was the general response, quite rightly.

RH1234 · 01/02/2023 08:07

From a male perspective… he’s an idiot. Just go for a walk or go out for the day and leave your DD with him. Don’t give him a choice.

Have a nap in the park 👍 don’t forget to make dinner for just you and your DD, he’s on leave so will sort himself.

In seriousness, a real conversation needs to be had with him, explaining leave is to do with work and not life. If he can’t except this, then only you can make the descision in the next steps.

Riceball · 01/02/2023 08:45

In a years time you could be free of him, in your own place. Break it down into small steps, don’t feel embarrassed- it’s his behaviour not yours. Focus on the end game Flowers

OctoberCarrot · 01/02/2023 08:52

Yoi are aware it’s untenable, you don’t sound like you want to stay with him so I’d bide my time and plan las you are doing. Reduce outgoings, reduce minding you step daughter, plan for full time work. Find out on one of your days off how much you’d be entitled to.

you won’t change him, he doesn’t want to be changed so focus on you and your daughter.

SillySausage81 · 01/02/2023 10:33

I remember once being sick in the night and it woke up DD, I asked him to have her and he wouldn't, poor thing was sat next to me trying to kiss me better while I had my head in a bowl.

He's an absolutely worthless cunt. I'm so angry on your behalf. To be clear, your TODDLER was more use to you when you were ill than your husband/her father. What a worthless waste of air.

SarahsHoneydew · 01/02/2023 10:45

I can’t believe you are even asking! That is so out of order, I can’t understand why he would even think that was acceptable!!

Parentsofaprincess · 01/02/2023 11:24

Is he serious omg men are such twats sometimes and I am one! Would never even think this way.

ChatInMyFlat · 01/02/2023 11:38

I am so angry about this. Who the hell does he think he is.

OP leaving is the easy part. Make your plan and follow through. Get your child away from this.

ItsNotReallyChaos · 01/02/2023 11:55

A small detail but make clear to your childminder now that you want to reserve a wraparound space for when your DD starts school.

Where I live parents are having to give up work because so many childminders quit during Covid. Demand for after school care seems to be 4x the available wraparound.

cracktheshutters · 01/02/2023 12:01

I’ve just read through all your posts on this thread after your OP and my heart breaks for you but I’m so excited you’ve got a plan as you and your daughter 100% DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE THIS WAY! Seriously, I am so happy you know you don’t deserve it. Just be patient and save save save, make sure he will never find out about the money and when the time is right just leave. BUT make sure you have resources in case it should ever get physical, so you can get help any time you need it. Shelter, womens aid etc can also help to go through £ and what you’d be entitled to before you burn through savings. Good luck with the plan x

IAteTheLastOne · 01/02/2023 12:53

This reply has been deleted

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Chevybaby · 01/02/2023 13:36

this sounds like a very positive plan. You’ve lasted this long, you can last another seven months! 💪💪💪

you honestly must have the patience of a saint to not shout for your DDs sake. She is very lucky to have you. And this time next year you’ll be in your own pad and it’ll be awesome.

for the record, I’m in a one bed flat with my DD (I am privileged to own it although the downside of that is if 💩 hits the fan I’m not entitled to housing benefit so that can be a bit scary at times). But we make it work and we’re very happy. Just to reassure you if you can only afford a one bed at first.

Flapjackmakesmehappy · 01/02/2023 13:39

You’re not his slave. He is a parent, he doesn’t get to pick and choose when to be a father.

jazzybelle · 01/02/2023 14:24

He doesn't seem to understand that on leave from work is not on leave from family. Whatever is happening at home with his family is his concern and always will be.

So, what is it he's going to do while he's on leave, ignore his family and just do whatever he wants for the whole time?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/02/2023 14:32

You updates are important. He isn't selfish, he's abusive. He got you isolated and then started. You job is to ruin that for him. Savings are a great start, so is a plan. You have both. You said you swore you wouldn't end up like your mum. Well now your mission is not to have your DD have to think that. Because you left.

Best of luck OP.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 01/02/2023 16:06

A useless man and a useless parent. Does he bring you any happiness?

abs12 · 01/02/2023 18:02

OP, beyond excited for the impending, amazing, new life waiting for you and your DD! Good luck x

oosha · 01/02/2023 19:57

Hand DD over while you pop in the other room then sod off out for the day and turn your phone off. What a selfish f*cker!!!!!

patq1967 · 01/02/2023 23:33

Tell him you are on annual in a months time and the kid is his problem for a week so he had better sort it out , as you will not be there for a week , then see what he says , ten remind him off what he said

RachaelN · 02/02/2023 12:12

Divorce him asap. Like ripping off a plaster. Do it while DD is still little to cause less trauma.
He will never change, he is treating you like shit.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/02/2023 18:53

Wow

So many things wrong here

Why are you using all your holiday for dd. Should be shared

Hes an arse that he won't look after his daughter for a few hours and you have a sleep

Why isn't he playing with his child from previous relationship

I hope you get a nest egg and leave in sept when dd is at school

LoisLane66 · 04/02/2023 18:55

Firstly...why was he asleep on the sofa at 4am? Didn't he go to bed at all?
Secondly...why don't you give your DD something to eat if she's well enough and take her into bed with you?