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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry with H annual leave

411 replies

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 06:58

DD isn't very well, was up most of the night last night, we finally settled down at 4.30, she's just awaken. Whilst I was up with her H was happily snoring away on the sofa. This morning I've just asked him if he can have her a couple of hours so I can go back to sleep. He said no as he is on leave this week so I need to treat it like he isn't here as im normally on my own mondays. Now I already get resentful over H's leave as all my leave is taken up for DDs hols, but he said that's fine as I don't work Mon and Wednesdays (albeit still have DD on these days)

Your being unreasonable - he is on leave and this time is his, he wouldn't normally be here anyway

Your not being unreasonable - he's not at work so should help you out

OP posts:
LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 31/01/2023 18:50

Oh @EveryDayIsA, you're young and you have savings - what is that useless sack of shite adding to your life? I know it seems overwhelming but take it one step at a time. For example, tomorrow's step could be making an appointment with a solicitor, even just to hear what they have to say. You and your daughter deserve so much better.

PaganInPurple · 31/01/2023 18:55

He's on leave from work, not from being a parent. Even if she's not his, he married you knowing he would have to take up parental responsibilities as a step-dad.
What a walker.

GUARDIAN1 · 31/01/2023 18:55

What a pig. Leave him.

DMW60 · 31/01/2023 18:57

Unbelievable! You need to have a serious talk with him and point out that he is equally responsible for the care of your child. I cannot believe that there are men around with this attitude. 30 years ago when I had my DC, as we both worked FT and both had careers, DH and I agreed sick leave etc would be shared equally. Maybe I was just lucky.

Zeezee82 · 31/01/2023 18:57

Oh @EveryDayIsA this has made me so sad. Please don’t think this is normal. Even with little family you can do this!
You deserve happiness! Everyone does. Life if too short to stay with this man

ChaliceinWonderland · 31/01/2023 18:58

OMG I have read some terrible shit on here and this is just another one, its almost like a joke. Except, he is a joke! My exh used to be like this, hence now an ex.

WE have an amazing life now ( single mum, on benefits, working) and you know why, cos I never have to rely on a man who would ALWAYS opt out of being a parent.

Now he is sad, and lonely and I am so happy as are the ds.

Please don't let this be the rest of your life, call a solicitor tomorrow.

Mikex · 31/01/2023 19:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sidekicksimone · 31/01/2023 19:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and many people have given some excellent practical advice. You may not yet be in a position to leave now, but do some planning as you can’t carry on like this.

My mum went through something similar. When my dad died fifteen years ago, she told me (and it was very difficult to hear) that she’d always been miserable during their marriage and had wanted to leave many times. His death was like being free, she said, and she went on to do many things that made her happy, and started a relationship with her childhood boyfriend.

She had never left my dad because she was scared about the alternative. She was worried about money, about being a single mum, about others’ reactions.
She was worried about me too, because I loved my dad. It was fear that kept her where she was. I don’t believe there was violence - she’d just fallen out of love with him (he could be a real arse).

Anyway, my mum had six years of freedom, living the life she wanted. I expect she wished she’d had many more years and greatly regretted not ‘being free’ sooner when she she was younger and healthier. She died nine years ago, and I am haunted by the fact that she was unhappy for so long, yet she put up with it. Her sister is still doing the same - married to a massive wanker yet it’s the deal she’s made for getting three children through public school and living a materially comfortable life. Now she reckons she’s too old to start again.

You know what I’m going to say - life is far, far too short. Get your plans in place - it may take you a while, but keep adding to your savings, built a network of support if possible, and don’t expect things to change unless you make a change. Please do it for you, because you deserve a better life than being shackled to this man.

Castle1970 · 31/01/2023 19:02

I am an H with two children and I can tell you your H is being a total dick. Parenthood is a shared responsibility, even if one is working full time and one is not. Time off from work should be time off with your family. If he can’t see that then you should cut your losses and get out while DD is still young enough to forget him.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 31/01/2023 19:02

He's am asshole, of course that's not ok

Daddecoole · 31/01/2023 19:02

Father here, What a fucking nugget! He should be so ashamed of himself. If I tried that on my partner would have my balls in a sling. Must be extremely self-absorbed. Unload.

1000N · 31/01/2023 19:02

WTF !

RSSN · 31/01/2023 19:05

Oh my goodness that is unreal. No you most certainly nor being unreasonable. He is . That is absolutely disgusting, discraceful and totally selfish behaviour by your husband

cantbfucked · 31/01/2023 19:05

With that attitude I’d be telling him he’s on permanent annual leave from his family and to fuck off with immediate effect.

wentworthinmate · 31/01/2023 19:07

Bide your time OP. Save hard and wait until you are full time and DD in school. Then leave, it doesn’t have to happen today.

EveryDayIsA · 31/01/2023 19:08

He's always been like it, I remember once being sick in the night and it woke up DD, I asked him to have her and he wouldn't, poor thing was sat next to me trying to kiss me better while I had my head in a bowl. I do let him put up with it because when I speak up it ends in him shouting and slamming doors, I used to argue back but won't now we have DD incase neighbours call police, and also don't like shouting around DD. I really wish I had somewhere to go for a while just to make the first steps to moving, i know I need to go, I tell myself every single day but the thought of moving is overwhelming, I don't even know where to start. I also don't have a car or transport ATM so can't even get out the house and don't want to use savings to buy one as they are like my safety net. Its also embarrassed, I used to not put up with any shit from anyone, now I'm living a life where I spend most of my time sat in my bedroom with DD just to avoid being in his company. On an evening I sit with DD and he will tidy up, but even that now he kicks off at, I tell him to put DD to bed and ill tidy but that's not good enough either. I know it's not right but really can't bring myself to do anything about it. People in RL know the relationship isn't amazing but I've never told anyone just how bad it is. I always swore I would never be treated like my mum, but it's like history is just repeating itself.

OP posts:
Mandyjack · 31/01/2023 19:10

How come you don't have leave at the same time?

toxic44 · 31/01/2023 19:12

This marriage is not a partnership. Once he becomes truly unbearable, you'll find the strength to leave. And you'll look back and wonder what took you so long. Making you feel guilty is called gaslighting; it's a standard abuse technique. Get up off your knees. Good luck.

EveryDayIsA · 31/01/2023 19:12

Mandyjack · 31/01/2023 19:10

How come you don't have leave at the same time?

We never have had. My leave is for when CM has her holidays and H is for whenever. We tend to have 1 week off together over the 6 weeks and he takes another week off in the 6 weeks to have DSC

OP posts:
SarahAshley2 · 31/01/2023 19:13

He’s a prick.

pomers · 31/01/2023 19:16

Seriously how can you be married to this man. Make plans to leave, do not have any more children with this man.

MoreSleepPleasee · 31/01/2023 19:23

This is shocking. Please know this is awful disgusting behaviour. When you're in the situation you start to think it's 'normal' but what you've described is god damn awful. Sorry op he is no father or husband.

MoreSleepPleasee · 31/01/2023 19:24

I assume he didn't want / is not close to your daughter.

siucra · 31/01/2023 19:25

Your steps to leaving start here, tonight.
I was in a situation where I was overwhelmed at the thought of leaving but I made small incremental steps to leaving and one day, I was driving away, with all our things in the car. It was amazing. Best thing I ever did.
All of these are small steps to freedom...
Can you secure accomodation?
See a solicitor?
Ask him to leave?
Tell him it's over - do not negotiate or allow him to make you go to counselling.
Start telling friends/ family - get your support network.
Be clear in your mind what you are doing.
Be confident - know there is a life full of joy out there for you and your DD - you just need to reach for it.
You may be scared now, but by the time you leave, you will be totally ready.
Good luck xxx

SazCat · 31/01/2023 19:27

Gosh wait til she starts school and there's 13 weeks to cover, surely he'll have to use 'his' annual leave to look after her then?!