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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry with H annual leave

411 replies

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 06:58

DD isn't very well, was up most of the night last night, we finally settled down at 4.30, she's just awaken. Whilst I was up with her H was happily snoring away on the sofa. This morning I've just asked him if he can have her a couple of hours so I can go back to sleep. He said no as he is on leave this week so I need to treat it like he isn't here as im normally on my own mondays. Now I already get resentful over H's leave as all my leave is taken up for DDs hols, but he said that's fine as I don't work Mon and Wednesdays (albeit still have DD on these days)

Your being unreasonable - he is on leave and this time is his, he wouldn't normally be here anyway

Your not being unreasonable - he's not at work so should help you out

OP posts:
Folklore9074 · 31/01/2023 19:27

Been following your post. Please make steps to leave, don’t let this be the relationship you show your daughter it’s okay to put with. Break the cycle. You deserve better than this.

Original poster
EveryDayIsA · 31/01/2023 19:28

I think it's me that needs to leave, I would find that easier then watching him leave, no idea why, suppose its so I can be in control of the situation. Also if he left ill be screwed without the car as there is little public transport where I live

OP posts:
Missingpop · 31/01/2023 19:29

Remind the useless arse she his daughter too; he enjoyed the pleasure of making her so now he can experience some of the pains that come with bringing her up.
He’s no longer a bachelor so his holidays are not his alone he’s a family man so he has to stop being a selfish pig & man up & care for his little girl.

mandlerparr · 31/01/2023 19:32

you can do this.
If all you have is one child, you don't need a two bed. Not when they are this young. Get the smallest, cheapest, cleanest place you can find. It is only temporary. I used a dining space as a bedroom, had my bed in the living room.
You will find that when you leave him, you don't need all the space you needed before. Because, right now, you probably need space to get away from him and his moods and his neediness.
It is amazing what you can do with a couple small tables. They are great at breaking up a space. My DD happily plays dolls on a fold up table.
And when you leave him, don't let him con you into doing voluntary child maintenance. Go through the service. Or he will try and use that to control you from afar.
I don't have an answer for the DSD. Most likely both of you have feelings for the other. You may just have to leave like pulling off a band aid, or you could see if the other parent will let you maintain some contact.
He is not helping support you. He is only making you think he is. Without his income, you will qualify for more help. Maybe you can pay one of the other moms or dads who use the same childcare to watch your child for that extra hour on those days you get off later. Or you may be able to negotiate a later pickup or find a different place.
You don't need him. You wanted a partner, not a roommate who is sort of nasty and demanding.
Sit down and make a list of what he contributes and then think of and search out alternatives to it and look up how much help is available for such things.
You can do this.

Sisimck · 31/01/2023 19:33

I am giving you a huge hug right now. Please leave. Break the cycle. There is help out there. If these comments do not help you get the strength to leave, read the book "It Ends With Us". As pp said, you deserve so much better. 💞

evian76 · 31/01/2023 19:33

When you do image the pr**k is not there, how you you feel? Liberated, I would imagine. Obv YANBU!

evian76 · 31/01/2023 19:34

That should have read imagine!

evian76 · 31/01/2023 19:35

& how do you feel! I should never text with DS on me

Turkey18 · 31/01/2023 19:37

Omg 😲

StaleCrumbs · 31/01/2023 19:38

@EveryDayIsA my heart goes out to you. I can see why you’re in such a quandary about leaving - it’s terrifying to think you’re going to be without support. But I promise WHEN you leave him, you will be fine. It’ll be tough going but honestly, it will be better than living with this man. I saw you said about history repeating itself, I’m sure you have thought about this but think about what your daughter is learning. I say that will love and compassion for you because it’s the exact decision I had to make when I was in a situation that I (and my daughter) should not have been in. Logistics can be sorted. Money might be tight but you would be ok (plus legally he would have to provide something).

I remember living in survival mode for a long time, which makes it hard to leave cos you’re doing what feels the safest (by safe I refer to emotionally/financially/physically safe). But I absolutely promise that what is on the other side is so much better for you and your daughter xxx

Jack80 · 31/01/2023 19:40

I’m sorry this is happening, so men are idiots.

PUGMEISTER21 · 31/01/2023 19:41

Sounds like this man is controlling you and destroying your self esteem, another classic coercion tactic. The only week person here is him.

Arrrrrrragghhh · 31/01/2023 19:45

He’ll leave you the second it’s in his own best interest though. It sounds like he’s only around because it’s easier than making the change. You on the other hand are getting a crap deal and it’s not working fir you.

I can’t stress enough how much easier life becomes when it’s just you and the baby. You would still have to be up in the night but no resentment at him. You can spend the day both having a lazy sick day on the sofa without him taking up your time and thoughts.

Make it a plan for 2023.

jannier · 31/01/2023 19:45

EveryDayIsA · 31/01/2023 19:08

He's always been like it, I remember once being sick in the night and it woke up DD, I asked him to have her and he wouldn't, poor thing was sat next to me trying to kiss me better while I had my head in a bowl. I do let him put up with it because when I speak up it ends in him shouting and slamming doors, I used to argue back but won't now we have DD incase neighbours call police, and also don't like shouting around DD. I really wish I had somewhere to go for a while just to make the first steps to moving, i know I need to go, I tell myself every single day but the thought of moving is overwhelming, I don't even know where to start. I also don't have a car or transport ATM so can't even get out the house and don't want to use savings to buy one as they are like my safety net. Its also embarrassed, I used to not put up with any shit from anyone, now I'm living a life where I spend most of my time sat in my bedroom with DD just to avoid being in his company. On an evening I sit with DD and he will tidy up, but even that now he kicks off at, I tell him to put DD to bed and ill tidy but that's not good enough either. I know it's not right but really can't bring myself to do anything about it. People in RL know the relationship isn't amazing but I've never told anyone just how bad it is. I always swore I would never be treated like my mum, but it's like history is just repeating itself.

Your being abused living in fear of being shouted at

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 31/01/2023 19:45

What a wanker! That’s all. Start making plans to leave. So selfish.

Gilld69 · 31/01/2023 19:47

If I wrote what I want to say I'd get banned what an actual CF YOUR HUSBAND IS

soboredtonight · 31/01/2023 19:49

Just disengage with him.

Start saving more. Up your hours if you can and make a plan.

Check with CMS and benefits what you would be entitled to and then you can plan.

It can be done.

This is no life. If this was your dd what would you tell her to do.

Belinda500 · 31/01/2023 19:55

He's an immature man baby. That's really sad for you and your DD. Have it out with him, really have it out. I have a husband who had a similar disregard for the work of being a mother. He did change over time but it took really having it out, saying exactly what I felt and stuffing the consequences. If he loves you he will change.

Important to remind ourselves to take the work of being a mother seriously too. If we don't, they won't.

RoseHarper · 31/01/2023 19:58

Agree with all other posters that you need to leave but also understand that it is completely overwhelming. Try and take some steps each day towards independence. Save, research, plan, think carefully about how you want your life to be in 1, 2, 3 years from now and so on. If it's not possible or easy to leave right now, you can still be taking steps towards better future for you and your daughter.

ScotsBluebell · 31/01/2023 20:06

Please find a way to get out of this situation. Listen to the way he's made you feel about it so that you can talk about him 'having her' if you're ill or if she's ill. That's not a normal way for a dad to behave. DS has long grown up, but DH still talks about how nice it was to have him in bed with us if he was unwell. Sometimes I'd put him in bed with his dad so that I could catch up on sleep or vice versa. It's a partnership, and although it can be exhausting, it's also a pleasure, not a bone of contention. You're being made to feel as though it's entirely your responsibility. It isn't. I hope you find the help and the strength you need.

KSB65 · 31/01/2023 20:07

He’s being an arse. He’s on leave from work, he’s not on leave from being a parent. He should be ashamed.

Tusktusk · 31/01/2023 20:13

Hi OP. I didn’t think I had the wherewithal to leave my H but I did. To cope with the enormity of the task, I broke it down into tiny steps and dealt with one thing per day.

Like you, I was the one who moved, into rented, because I wanted to be in control. I wanted to start again. I changed my work situation to suit my living situation. Like you, I had no family or friends nearby. My childminder had DC the day I moved. I hired a Man With Van to help me shift stuff. He wasn’t expensive.

At first I had to work less and rely very heavily on benefits to manage. The DC were tiny. UC was a godsend. I was grateful for the leg up it gave me when I needed it. That’s what UC is there for. Now, 8 years on, I am in a well paid full time job and doing just fine. No benefits needed now but I am so glad they were available to me then.

Honestly, when I first knew I was going to have to leave him, it seemed impossible. It wasn’t impossible. I did it, all by myself, with few resources. Just do one thing at a time. You will never look back.

Flowers
SaponificationQueen · 31/01/2023 20:19

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 07:01

Unfortunately the more times goes on this behaviour is becoming normal for him. Always makes me question though if it's me in the wrong.

Show quote history

This is how abusive relationships start. They gaslight you into believing you are in the wrong when you’re not. Verbally smack him upside the head and let him know in no uncertain terms that he needs to get his ass up and be a parent. If he can’t be a parent, he may make a really good ex-husband.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 31/01/2023 20:28

Selfish selfish and lazy.

You deserve better, when you’re ready and when you can get your ducks in a row.

When you can, don’t stand for his shit.

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Notamumsym · 31/01/2023 20:28

He's keeping score, not good, leave him......seriously 😕

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