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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners family not talking to me

404 replies

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:05

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 29/01/2023 23:08

He and his mother know and don't want to tell you. Maybe they don't want to hurt your feelings, maybe they secretly agree with the reason, maybe they just want to avoid drama. But there's no way they don't know.

It all sounds quite claustrophobic and enmeshed for a year, especially with six children involved.

Amybelle88 · 29/01/2023 23:09

He's an absolutely spineless shitbag.

I'm mortified that he can sit in their company and not stand on for you. It doesn't even have to be an argument - it's just a question.

You should have asked yourself years ago - MIL advice is bollocks as it was already and still is 'causing trouble' - is it only trouble for them that counts? Are you just not factored in with any importance that it's not ok to cause trouble for you?

They sound like an odd family. Find out for your own peace of mind and then stay away by choice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2023 23:11

It’s hot t

Temporaryname158 · 29/01/2023 23:12

He’s not a great partner if he doesn’t stand up for you or even find out what’s happening (he knows I’m sure but won’t tell you, perhaps he’s blamed you for something so doesn’t want outing!)

I’d leave him and his family and live in peace!!!

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:12

We've been in a relationship for a year but I have known him and his family for over 30 years, been to their weddings/family parties etc so while the relationship is fairly new, the friendships are not.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2023 23:12

It’s got to be something he’s said? Did you have an argument, big or small, and he’s moaned about you to them?

Starlitestarbright · 29/01/2023 23:14

Youre only a year in walk away.

WithSympathies · 29/01/2023 23:15

Gosh, this sounds very hurtful. You are definitely not being unreasonable. To cut someone out without explanation or discussion is immature and dismissive. Your partner should be supporting you - although I assume he thinks that because you have a relationship with them independent of him that you should just sort it out among yourselves. However, he, his mother, and his whole family seem to be highly avoidant in general as no one wants to address any issues head on for fear of causing upset - so perhaps it's a familial trait.

Personally, I would want to know what had caused the rift. It can't get any worse than total exile.

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:15

@Temporaryname158
This is what I suspect as I just cannot fathom him not wanting to know why this suddenly came about. I am seriously considering ending the relationship and have told him this.

OP posts:

Daffodilis · 29/01/2023 23:17

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:15

@Temporaryname158
This is what I suspect as I just cannot fathom him not wanting to know why this suddenly came about. I am seriously considering ending the relationship and have told him this.

Could he have caused this rift for some reason?

SheldonsShoulder · 29/01/2023 23:20

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 29/01/2023 23:08

It all sounds quite claustrophobic and enmeshed for a year, especially with six children involved.

I agree with this. It’s one thing to distance themselves from you but to act like you and your children don’t exist is something else. I think your relationship is dead in it’s tracks.

EmmaDilemma5 · 29/01/2023 23:21

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:15

@Temporaryname158
This is what I suspect as I just cannot fathom him not wanting to know why this suddenly came about. I am seriously considering ending the relationship and have told him this.

What did he say when you said this?

Whatever the reason for it, it's not a sustainable position, to have all of his family dislike you enough to not even reciprocate gifts and to exclude you from all events.

Either your partner needs to help bring you all back together or you need to split. You can't spend the next few decades like this, it wouldn't be fair on your kids, let alone you.

JudgeRudy · 29/01/2023 23:21

Do you think he could be planning on ending your relationship and telling his family how difficult it is. Everything he's with them they ask have you done it yet?
I've seen this done. The woman involved was well and truly set up as the mad ex. Apparently she was controlling, hysterical, insecure, mentally ill...the usual (she would call him out on his shit). Eventually she went into the pub he was at for answers and he turned on her, egged on by his mates. She played right into it, yelling back at him. He just hadn't got the balls to end it.
I can't think of any nowhere logical explanation. You need them all in the same place to confront. I'd have his bags ready though for when it goes tips up. No way does he get to leave you, YOU call the shots.

bloodyplanes · 29/01/2023 23:21

I would ring the ds or db and ask them what their problem is! What have you got to lose? You are being treated terribly by both your partner (spineless wanker) and his family!

ShellsOnTheBeach · 29/01/2023 23:22

Blood is thicker than water.

Your boyfriend doesn't have your back.

In your shoes I'd walk away...

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:22

@Daffodilis It's certainly not beyond the realms of possibility. He has a tendency to give himself a halo and everyone else devil's horns when there is any sort of conflict. However, they do all know this as well as I do so I would expect them to question his version of events as they know me and know I am not unreasonable.

OP posts:

Mythril · 29/01/2023 23:22

I think the situation is untenable. Even if you knew the reason, why would you want inlaws who behave like this? And your boyfriend is being incredibly hurtful to you in not addressing their bad behaviour.

You and your children really don't need this in your lives.

growgrowinggrown · 29/01/2023 23:30

Similar happened to my good friend, suddenly found herself frozen out from the in-laws.

It all came out in the wash that he'd been telling them he was leaving when the time was right, and had even began to take OW around the family.

They all felt so caught in the middle and wanted to tell friend but were loyal to that dickhead too. So instead of accidently blabbing they just stayed away for fear of putting their foot in it.

I hope it's not the case in your shoes, but the fact is he definitely knows the reason. Maybe if he doesn't want to tell you, you should ask outright?

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/01/2023 23:31

Walk away. He is not on your side and they are fucking horrible.

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:33

@EmmaDilemma5 He begged me not to end the relationship, said he isn't responsible for his family and what they do. I told him I don't hold him responsible for their behaviour, I hold him responsible for his lack of loyalty and the fact that he knows how upset I am and has done nothing to make the situation better.

The reason I posted was because I was genuinely wondering if I was blowing it out of proportion - I can be over-sensitive and wondered if I was being unreasonable to expect him to act. The more replies I read, the more I am realising that it's not too much to ask and actually, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can watch me question every word I've said, searching for a reason for why they have suddenly turned like this, and do nothing to make me feel better except say "You haven't done anything, don't worry about it."

OP posts:

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:41

@determinedtomakethiswork They actually are fucking horrible, aren't they? I've spent months wondering what I could possibly have done to upset them, going back over every conversation...all whilst supporting him through issues he is having with his ex-wife. Amd he can't even be arsed to find out why I'm being ignored by his family. I'm a fool.

OP posts:

Summerfun54321 · 29/01/2023 23:43

He is disrespecting your wishes by not resolving this. He is telling you your feelings aren't of the greatest importance to him. Either he needs to get to the bottom of this and sort it out or he goes in the bin.

Thelnebriati · 29/01/2023 23:50

It is all so childish, I couldn't stand to live like that. If they had a problem with you they should have said something to you.

sandgrown · 29/01/2023 23:51

Are they still close to his ex wife and feeling disloyal to her if they are friendly to you? My ex’s family loved his ex wife and didn’t want to upset her in case they couldn’t see their grandchildren. I was never as good as her in their eyes despite supporting their son through a lot of ups and downs . They don’t even see their son now but still see a lot of the ex-wife and her new husband!

TugboatAnnie · 29/01/2023 23:55

Is it the ex-wife causing trouble? Are the ils still friends with her? Can't think of anything else.

As for dp, why doesn't he care about how much this is hurting you? If he's begging you not to leave him, he knows what to do to resolve the problem.

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