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Original poster

Partners family not talking to me

404 replies

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:05

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
saraclara · 29/01/2023 23:59

Your relationship simply can't be sustained her these circumstances. It's quite bizarre, and unfair on your own children. This can't go on for the rest of your life.

Of course it might be what they're aiming for, but still. He cannot possibly expect you and your children to continue living your lives like pariahs, excluded from every family event, while he and his own children attend.

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 30/01/2023 00:01

@sandgrown No, its definitely not that, none of them like his ex-wife. If I didn't know her myself, I would be wondering if that was possibly unfair on their part but she is very unpleasant and was violent towards to him. Which is another reason I'm gobsmacked by all this - whilst they were married and she treated him very badly, they all continued to talk to her, despite disliking her. I have never treated him, or them, anything even approaching badly, and yet I'm cut out like I've done something awful. It won't make any difference to the outcome but I really want to know what I have done to make them feel that the way they are treating me is justified.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 30/01/2023 00:16

wheresthewine36 · 30/01/2023 00:01

@sandgrown No, its definitely not that, none of them like his ex-wife. If I didn't know her myself, I would be wondering if that was possibly unfair on their part but she is very unpleasant and was violent towards to him. Which is another reason I'm gobsmacked by all this - whilst they were married and she treated him very badly, they all continued to talk to her, despite disliking her. I have never treated him, or them, anything even approaching badly, and yet I'm cut out like I've done something awful. It won't make any difference to the outcome but I really want to know what I have done to make them feel that the way they are treating me is justified.

Is it possible you have come on too strong in terms of being so enmeshed in his family so soon? You’ve only been in a relationship for a year. There seems to be a number of children involved. I think people are by default on the most part welcoming to a sibling’s partner and give them the benefit of the doubt at the beginning. Seems like things turned sour after only about six months with his family. So seems to me you’ve over stepped the mark somehow. Social media is a nonsense but did you do the adding? You have moved way too quickly here, even if you do know his family a long time. I’m not saying their behaviour is reasonable but whether inadvertently or not something has definitely happened here to make them all back off. You appear too involved in his family life at this stage from my pov. Is he as involved with your family?

BadNomad · 30/01/2023 00:29

Why did you buy them Christmas presents from him?? That isn't your responsibility. He definitely knows why they aren't talking to you. So does his mother. Walk away from the lot of them.

saraclara · 30/01/2023 00:32

There's no way that he doesn't know why they're doing this. No-one responds to their siblings refusing to let them bring their partner with them on visits without asking "why?"

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 30/01/2023 00:32

@Eyerollcentral I've never previously been so involved with a partners family, never had any issues with family suddenly not talking to me either. If I only knew them through him, I would agree that it was too soon to become involved with them but these are friendships which had developed over a period of years (apart from the brothers girlfriend), I went to Uni with his mum (mature students), socialised with his sister in our younger years and have at various times put his brother up when he needed somewhere to stay (pre relationship with partner.)
We had been friends on social media for years, way before partner and I got together. They are what I have always thought of as an enveloping family - they accept and include people quickly. Although in hindsight, people who were previously treated as family do seem to drop out of favour quite often and their eldest brothers wife is not well liked, for reasons no one has ever explained to me.
He is involved with my children (has known them since they were born) but I don't have an extended family so no involvement there. I think its time to end things, he doesn't seem willing or able to understand why I am so upset by this so we evidently have some very big differences in our expectations of each other.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 30/01/2023 00:37

wheresthewine36 · 30/01/2023 00:32

@Eyerollcentral I've never previously been so involved with a partners family, never had any issues with family suddenly not talking to me either. If I only knew them through him, I would agree that it was too soon to become involved with them but these are friendships which had developed over a period of years (apart from the brothers girlfriend), I went to Uni with his mum (mature students), socialised with his sister in our younger years and have at various times put his brother up when he needed somewhere to stay (pre relationship with partner.)
We had been friends on social media for years, way before partner and I got together. They are what I have always thought of as an enveloping family - they accept and include people quickly. Although in hindsight, people who were previously treated as family do seem to drop out of favour quite often and their eldest brothers wife is not well liked, for reasons no one has ever explained to me.
He is involved with my children (has known them since they were born) but I don't have an extended family so no involvement there. I think its time to end things, he doesn't seem willing or able to understand why I am so upset by this so we evidently have some very big differences in our expectations of each other.

Well perhaps unfortunately your final sentence is the key to it all. It all sounds a bit messy and overlapping to begin with so it maybe wasn’t the best idea, but you are where you are now. He doesn’t have to understand why you don’t want to continue in a relationship. If you don’t, you don’t.

AutumnCrow · 30/01/2023 00:38

My honest take on this is that he’s said something to them about you.

They’ve reacted. Now he can’t fix it.

I think you’re right to bow out, OP. He’s being massively unfair and weird.

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 30/01/2023 00:38

@BadNomad He lost his job last year and I didn't want his nieces and nephews not to have Christmas gifts from us. The only other thing his mother has said on the subject is that she hasn't asked because she loves us all and doesn't want to be caught in the middle, which I accept. Though I have a strong suspicion if the roles were reversed and I wasn't talking to them, she would want an explanation. I think perhaps I have been too accommodating and let my people pleasing nature become my undoing.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 30/01/2023 00:42

wheresthewine36 · 30/01/2023 00:38

@BadNomad He lost his job last year and I didn't want his nieces and nephews not to have Christmas gifts from us. The only other thing his mother has said on the subject is that she hasn't asked because she loves us all and doesn't want to be caught in the middle, which I accept. Though I have a strong suspicion if the roles were reversed and I wasn't talking to them, she would want an explanation. I think perhaps I have been too accommodating and let my people pleasing nature become my undoing.

Yes you have been far too people pleasing. You didn’t need to buy his family presents from him.

BadNomad · 30/01/2023 00:43

I think perhaps I have been too accommodating and let my people pleasing nature become my undoing.

Yes. Stop that. Don't let other people decide how you deserve to be treated. Stand up for yourself. End this and tell him (and his mother) why.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/01/2023 00:47

Any sensible person knows this isn’t tenable, so it indicates your partner doesn’t see you as a long term proposition - or he’s utterly spineless. Either way he also has a toxic crazy family.

Dump and move on.

catandcoffee · 30/01/2023 00:47

Of course he knows.

I'm wondering if he's actually caused the issue,not necessarily on purpose,but said something to them about you and its been taken the wrong way ?

In your position I'd have to ask them and also get rid of him.

ijustneedanamefgs · 30/01/2023 00:54

He knows. I would just ask them outright though, then decide on the future of your relationship from there. Maybe he thinks it will make it worse if you know, maybe he’s trying to protect you. Maybe I’m being too generous to him lol and he’s caused the issue and is just too spineless to resolve it. There’s no way he doesn’t know though, no way he wouldn’t have asked by now even out of curiosity. He knows.
Ring/visit even whoever you were closest too and demand answers. You deserve answers at least. It might blow everything up, but you can’t continue as you are regardless.

AutumnCrow · 30/01/2023 00:54

I’d bet money it’s him and his gob, yes, that started all this.

CelestiaNoctis · 30/01/2023 00:57

Dump him

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/01/2023 01:18

"He says its none of his business."
What a very odd stance that is to take. Suspiciously odd.

Normal curiosity would lead your average human to ask their sibling why they're blanking their partner. So him not asking and him not knowing is codswallop. He knows. And I suspect it's down to him - for example he was in a strop with you one day, badmouthed you to them, and they reacted to that.

Just bin him. This man is not a keeper, throw him back into the sea.

Hups · 30/01/2023 01:31

I would bin him off.
They have already shown a clear favouritism between his children and yours, which while they're young they may not notice, but as they get older they will, and they will find it hurtful.
I'm not saying that they should treat your children exactly the same as their biological ones, but to be so cruel isn't on.
So my take on it is, think of your children rather than yourself here.
You will probably never know what the issue is because clearly no one, including your partner is willing to tell you.
This is a second reason to bin him because he clearly hasn't got the balls to stand up for you.
Do yourself and your children a huge favour and dump his weak arse.

changeme4this · 30/01/2023 01:43

I'm another vote for saying he and his mother know exactly what is up!

Is he still unemployed? is there any reason for it if so?

Is he using you simply because you have funds and its been easy for him to date to get you to stump up for the nieces and nephews christmas presents, and no doubt other things that help support his life?

Is it possible his family are very uncomfortable in knowing this, and/or that he intends to dump you as soon as he is back on his feet financially?

SpookyBlackCat · 30/01/2023 01:47

I agree that of course they both know what's going on.

I think imagine if the roles were reversed and your family wasn't speaking to your partner, how would you react? I bet nothing like this!

How do you know that his ex-wife was horrible? Did you actually see her being horrible? Or just because he told you she was?

lifeinthehills · 30/01/2023 01:55

I think you should just ask them. If they are mature adults it shouldn't cause trouble. Be prepared to hear something you don't like though. I bet MIL probably knows and just doesn't want to get involved.

Maybe you've expressed a value they strongly disagree with? Maybe you don't bow to the family expectations like they want you to (nothing wrong with not bowing to family expectations, btw). Could be so many things and it's not necessarily anything wrong with you.

My DH was similarly spineless with his family. If I could go back I'd tell him he really should address it with them. Maybe it can't be reconciled but at least then he'd have tried.

You may just have to accept that this is how they are and let them go. If this is the approach they take, are they worth it? Maybe the peace is worth more?

Goneblank38 · 30/01/2023 02:05

This sounds awful, and I think you just need to move on. My guess is he knows and is probably the cause. You've spent months feeling awful, your kids are being excluded and he's done nothing for you. So head high and move on. Look after yourself and your kids. It's a shame. It it sounds like your relationship with this whole family is over.

MysteryBelle · 30/01/2023 02:11

Get out and don’t look back. He does not stand up for you and he never will. Unacceptable.

SpookyBlackCat · 30/01/2023 02:15

I agree that it's possible that he's been bad-mouthing you to his family.

I had this happen with an ex many years ago. I genuinely had done nothing bad to him, but it turns out he had been making stuff up and bad-mouthing me to people. Just making himself look better than he was. I guess it came from a place of insecurity, but I had no idea why anyone would believe his bullshit. There are some really fucked-up people out there.

But, going to meet his family while you are sitting at home is really unacceptable. Don't doubt yourself. You know you are a good person who deserves much better than this.

SandyY2K · 30/01/2023 02:24

I'd be very tempted to tell him you believe he knows and if he doesn't tell you, you'll go directly to them.

Although in reality, I'd actually just end it first... but I'd want to see what he says and call his bluff.