Partners family not talking to me

[wheresthewine36]

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

The desperation to Stay in a relationship can't possibly justify this humiliation.

He knows whats up

While you plan to leave, everything you’d usually do for him, the answer is it’s nothing to do with me.
him: whine about ex wife. You: please stop telling me, your ex wife is nothing to do with me. Him: family something. You: please stop telling me, your ex wife is nothing to do with me. Him: what’s for dinner. You: we’ve all eaten, so up to you. Him: can you drive the kids too … you: no, I can’t.

you aren’t overblowing anything. And when you’re talking to him, you say you wouldn’t choose to leave him, he made the decision by telling you in his words and actions that you aren’t a partner. It’s a shame he couldn’t be honest with you but you’re not an idiot, and you’re done and he and his family can all be happy together without you.

*ex wife - I meant family the second time!

He knows & won't tell you.

He clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings, OP. I really think you sould show the spineless arse the door.

Who can be bothered with that, long term?! What happens if you fall pregnant? If they suddenly start talking to you now, could you ever trust them to not freeze you out again?

There are red flags all over this, OP. He does not sound worth the hassle.

I also think he said talked about you to them and (as you say), given himself a halo and you devil’s horns, and is now too cowardly to admit it.

He’s probably also enjoying having two separate camps, theirs and yours. This is not a caring man.

If his mum really loved you as she claims, she wouldn’t be able to stand by and watch her children do this as well.

How can anyone be 'caught in the middle' without knowing what it's about?
I really hope he's not living with you! Bin him!

They sound a nasty bunch. I would run a mile.

FWIW.. the ex wife is probably fine. Just another another victim of their smear campaign

I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble" That was where you should have said there is already trouble, I need to know what it is. She knew .....she is an old friend of yours....and you backed off and let yourself be brushed off .

You've known these people all your life - I can't get my head around the fact that you've accepted this situation for six months now and you've just accepted that you can't ask for information . Everyone has given you the brush-off, including your partner who says "it isn't his business" and you've been like a good little doormat and said OK I won't ask.

I wouldn't give him or them any more chances - he is putting his family before you so it's time to put yourself before him. Move on and find someone who will have your back.

YANBU X

I think knowing your partner and his family since you were at school is seriously altering your perception of this relationship.

In reality it’s only a year old and I think the way you all seemed to jump in to it head first is a classic case of familiarity breeding contempt.

Your partner doesn’t have your back and you’d be better off without him.

Sadly for many women even a bad relationship is better than not having one at all.

That should be MN's motto I swear

What a mess

Maybe the siblings are uncomfortable with your transition from an old family friend to a family member. Are you nearer to their mum's age than theirs? Neither situation would justify their very unkind behaviour and since your partner tolerates it you'll never be truly happy with him. Time to part from the entire clan with your self esteem intact.

I think I would use go and ask what I had done to offend them. The 'mil' is protecting herself and her family, she doesn't care about you. Look after number one, because it may well be your partner has dropped you in it and whatever is happening isn't sticking up for you. At least this way you'll know and can defend yourself.

I experienced this with my ex. The day after he was arrested for DA, his sisters visited me & it turned out his 'violent abusive ex' was a fiction, HE was the violent, abusive one & instead of telling me, they'd kept their distance with their fingers crossed out of loyalty to their brother. That was the last time I had anything to do with them. I now see their behaviour as being just as abusive as his (different mechanism, but still abuse). Awful family, awful people.

Who is the link in this chain? It’s him. He’s probably been telling terrible stories about you to his family to create a huge divide. I bet he’s a massive drama llama who loves this kind of attention.

I'd ask one of his siblings for an explanation then end the relationship anyway.

Absolutely! They're bullies too. They had his back with the ex wife's but he's got to see they're bullying you and it will affect your MH which is unacceptable - he needs to show you sone respect and loyalty

Do you really honestly believe he doesn't know? or do you think he is just lying to you? fwiw i think he knows and he caused it.

Your partner and his mother knows the reason. They chose not to tell you... I suspect so not to hurt your feelings.

You have two options

1. speak to the family members that are ignoring you directly... if they refuse to discuss if with you... there is nothing you can do about it.

2. let if go and stop arguing with you're partner... I don't think it will change any thing except cause unnecessary resentment and arguments between you both.

I personally would not bother with them ever again..they are being childish!

Life partners do not act like this and the relationship is not on an equal footing. He doesn’t respect you and I think you’re totally right to tell him it’s over.

He needs to find out what’s going on. If he doesn’t, I wouldn’t hang around. Sorry you are going though this.

Whatever he said now wouldn't do anything. He's for however long now been leaving you behind,out,in pain and hurting about this.that would be enough. Bye bye.like NOW.i think your being far too loyal due to history. But it's beyond silly how muchnyour staying for this.sorry but they are treating you like shirt.him the most!
Your left out of vidits.
Not talked to.
Presents.
Treating you and your children like shit.how rhe hell so they feel?!
He's not only allowed it to continue. He's been part of it.
Seriously why are you with him.
He IS part of the people doing all the things that is hurting you right now.

I did exactly the same thing with my uncles wife. I stopped any contact with her and I never told her the reason. The reason is that my uncle told me that she cheated on him and that he is still at home with her only until kids grow up. They are in the same house but they only talk about kids and bills, they sleep in separate rooms etc. I am sure your husband told them something about you and thats why they stopped contact. As well I am sure his mother knows what is it all about.

Life is too short to be wasted in this way.
You do say that something similar has happened with other people, that they get included quickly and then discarded. Maybe that is the only reason. I bet you it is nothing you said or did, just them. But your partner should help you to deal with it. Asking his family about it makes all sense, he should. I find worrying that his mother does not want to ask saying it will cause trouble. Which trouble can it cause? Maybe they had something like this previously?
I would say my goodbyes and get rid of the drama, it can only get worst.